NOW CLOSED Let's talk children and alcohol - how would you deal with these scenarios? Tell all and you could win a £250 Love2Shop voucher

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

We're working with the brewing company Anheuser-Busch InBev UK to gather your top tips and advice on talking to children about alcohol. AB InBev UK is launching a new initiative called Family Talk UK which aims to encourage open conversation between parents and children about alcohol and responsible drinking. This is not about encouraging under 18s to drink alcohol or marketing drinks.

We understand that some of you will have already had discussions with your child(ren) about drinking and some of you won't - it doesn't matter if you have RL experience of this or not, AB InBev UK want to hear what you did or what you would do if faced with the scenarios below.

If your child(ren) aren't yet at the age where they're aware of alcohol, we'd still like to hear what you think you would do in the scenarios below. This is open to all Mumsnetters with at least one child. Everyone who takes part by adding their advice to this thread will be entered into a prize draw to win a £250 voucher for Love2Shop. You don't have to respond to every scenario below, you can pick the ones that interest you the most if you want - just make sure you tell us which scenario you're responding to in your posts. If possible we'd like you to add your advice/thoughts/comments to the thread before you read anyone else's posts. Some of your tips and advice may feature on the Family Talk UK facebook page.

AB InBev UK is also looking for some Mumsnetters to get more involved with the Family Talk UK initiative. They will be creating some videos to show on the Family Talk UK facebook page. If you'd like to take part in the video or register your interest, please email
[email protected] - they will let you know all the details and there's no obligation by emailing.
Thanks
MNHQ

So here are the scenarios (remember you don't have to respond to each one) - please say how you think you'd deal with them and try not to look at other responses before posting :

Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

Struggling with the scenarios. Don't want to write an essay on each to cover all possibilities.

I believe that children need to have 'all the facts' and where to find more info/help eg Ask Frank website. Being safe around alcohol draws on skills which need to be learnt by all children and adolescents - managing/resisting peer group and societal pressures, personal responsibility, trust, good communication, self-respect, respect for authority/law breaking and it's consequences, sexual health, etc.etc.

My other 'tips' for teenagers are
Under-age drinking is so common that its important to have explicit consequences before it happens.
Not drinking myself makes me hyper-aware of the smell of alcohol!
Watching [together] any of the many cop/hosp TV programmes featuring excessive drinking makes it real and is good for discussions.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

I think all of our friends these days have one or two (if any!) then switch to low alcohol for the evening so they can still drive home as the days of crashing out on the carpet are long gone! I would also be very uncomfortable if someone was drunk while DS was in the house.

(Remembers a cocktail party before any of us had children where somehow we managed to get seventeen people in the house overnight.)

DH thinks that once DS hits 13 he will introduce him to alcohol deliberately so he doesn't get tempted to try it on his own when he has no idea of tolerance levels. Though this is a decade away so his attitude (and society's) may have changed by then!
At 11 it's a non-starter. We would say absolutely not. My thoughts are not until he's got through puberty and has got through the growth spurt so he has a more adult body. Alcohol is toxic especially to forming cells and I don't want to think about the possibility of cellular damage when he's still growing.

E.Don't think I'd have a party involving children that did carry on till late evening - you want responsible drinking when parents are in charge of their children.

On the subject of wine, I would let an eleven year old try a sip - would not let them then consume a whole glass of wine but most eleven year olds are not going to have a taste for wine anyway. Always think 'what would the French do?' particularly about wine - they do the watered down wine for children don't they? (PS when I was 11 - parents would let us have a glass of prosecco with Christmas lunch).

B. One couldn't jump to conclusions as to who had had what...Wouldn't leave a 17 year old in charge of a 13 year old - and particularly not with alcohol in the house!

But don't think I would be over-worried at a 17 year old drinking beer (they assuredly would be drinking alcohol at a party if they went out) or even trying a small measure of spirits but wouldn't really be happy if all had been drunk in one sitting or if 13 year old had been drinking either/or/both!

Would want to have a talk with both about not taking alcohol without permission/supervision (if at all for a 13 year old) but would take responsibility for leaving alcohol available to them in the first place - would admit that it was wrong to leave them open to temptation

Scenario A
You say - Yes your brother was drinking and it made him act like an idiot. If you do the same we'll row with you too. The 15 year old would be grounded by the way.

Scenario B
Be straight with them that you've noticed the missing beers and the level of the spirits. Tell them that you want to trust them, but if you can't you'll get someone to babysit them next time you're away. Its not just the drink, its them taking stuff.

The 17 year old - talk to like an adult. Banning drink or making a big deal about them drinking isn't going to work at that age. Encouraging honesty works better.

Scenario C
If my instinct was to say no then at 13, I would say no. Being trusted not to drink is all well and good, but even the most sensible 13 year old can be persuaded by older teens / people they'd like to impress. There will be plenty of opportunities for them to go to parties, they don't have to go to them all.

Scenario D
When I was growing up my DF worked for a brewery and the house was always full of alcohol as it was often given, but rarely drunk. I was given tastes from a young age of gin and whisky and it tasted so vile I wasn't interested again.

In this scenario, an even handed explanation of what drink is, what it does and the bad things it can do if done in excess should suffice. A miniature of nasty blended whisky for them to try should put them off for a while longer!

Scenario E
Letting an 11 year old try some wine if you are drinking it with dinner isn't unreasonable. Letting an 11 year old try wine as she wants to get drunk like she saw you at a party is another kettle of fish. Ask her why she wants to try it would be a good place to start.

Scenario A: I would tell the youngest exactly what his brother had been up to, why he was in trouble and what punishment he had received. I'd give him a bit of a chat about the dangers of excessive alcohol, and alcohol consumption by children, but not allow it to turn into a lecture.

Scenario E: I tend to work on "do as I say, not as I do" and my children know that. They also know that adults drink alcohol sometimes, and that alcohol makes people drunk. I wouldn't allow my 11 year-old to have his own glass of wine during dinner, but he is sometimes allowed a taste of my wine/beer if I'm having one. I certainly wouldn't allow him more than a taste, and have explained to him that his kidneys and liver are not ready to process it yet. He's happy with that.
But if I'd said 'no' in the first place, I'd have no qualms with sticking to that. I couldn't give a bollocks if he said he thought it was hypocritical or whatever. I'm his parent and it's my responsibility to make sure he is healthy. We had that very discussion last weekend when he asked me if he could have some Coca Cola. He'd already had a glass earlier in the day, so I said no more. There was grumbling from him, but I don't find it hard to say no to my children, so long as I can back it up with a good reason.

S D
me and my partner DONT drink (we are both 27 and have just 'gone off' it lol) i find this one easyeast to relate to.
my son is only 7 but he is fully aware of alcohol and what effects it has on people. his father (who is not my DP) does drink and my son is aware of this. so conversations have come up before just like this one.
we explained to my son that people drink for many reasons. and some poeple drink too much sometimes and it can effect the way you behave whether you have a little or a lot, we also explained that some people like the taste of it, and some people find it relaxing. we did make a point of expressing how expensive it can be, how it can damage your liver and that it usually gives you a really bad headache the day afterwards. i know he is only seven and that a childs comprehension at that age of certain things is different to that of an older child. but as far as we can we have been honest in educating my son regarding alcohol, and he seems to understand that its an 'adult' thing to do. he saw some older kids prob about 14 15 drinking outside a shop the other week, they asked me if i would go into the shop for them, which i refused. as we were walking away my son turned to them (which is very very suprising as he is usually pretty shy) and told them ''your too young to drink, your body will get sick and your mum and dad will be sad with you'' which prompted one of them to look at her bottle and put in in the bin!!!!
so my theory is that if you are honest with the kids, and educated them as early as you see fit, then hopefully it will be a lasting lesson. (plus at christmas when the inlaws were round and DPs dad had a larger, i got my son to have a sniff of it and he said he would never ever drink that!! lol. lets see how many years that stays with him for and cross our fingers)

Scenario B
It would be tempting to just have it out with them both and see who crumbled. I wouldn't mind a 17 year old having a beer in theory as long as they were open and honest. Not so sure about spirits.

Scenario C
I am dreading this and I know it will happen. I like to think I am bringing DD up to be responsible and level-headed. I would let her go but with a good talk beforehand about trust and how it is ok to say no to peer pressure. I would also insist on regular phone contact and want to speak to the host parents about supervision.

Scenario E
We have had parties like this and one time a couple did get very drunk. DD found them comical and was glad it wasn't us (so were we, I am careful not to get drunk in front of the children but will be merry). I spoke to DD about alcohol being a drug and the effects it can have. I have been open about enjoying in moderation and let my DD have sips of wine and beer but not spirits (I don't drink them often). I am trying to be open in my approach as if I make alcohol taboo it may become more tempting. I would rather DD could try things in the safety of our home.

Scenario A: I would explain to my younger ds that his brother was drunk, and get the point across to him that if alcohol is not respected and drunk in moderation then it can cause such behaviour.

Scenario B: I would ask them both individually and give them the chance to explain. I would say that I wouldn't get cross with them for taking the alcohol, more for lying to me. If they maintain that they didn't take it then I would give them the benefit of the doubt but hide it on future occasions. If they did confess then I would calmly explain my disappointment in them and highlight the negative aspects of irresponsible drinking.

Scenario C: I would probably not stop her tbh - I prefer to trust my children to do the right thing. I would tell her that if she is offered alcohol she should refuse it. However I know from my own childhood that children have to learn from mistakes!

Scenario D: I would talk to them about alcohol in an enlightened manner - certainly not treat it as taboo as I imagine that would only heighten its allure. I would tell them about alcoholic drinks, which are the stronger ones, about what alcohol does to you and what can happen if it is abused. I would also explain to my children why dh and I have made the decision not to drink (even if it was because we were recovering alcoholics).

Scenario E: I would let her try some! It's not a big deal unless you make it one!

Scenario A - I'd tell the 8 year old that yes, his brother was drunk which was very silly and thoughtless of him, etc. I'd explain I'd been cross with older brother but he'd said sorry and sometimes teenagers try new things out in a silly way. I wouldn't make it a huge deal.

Scenario B - get them both together and ask where the alcohol has gone. If they both deny all knowledge, you use the "punish them all" technique so beloved of teachers in the hope that the guilty one will crack eventually. Punishment - withhold pocket money, grounding, removal of mobiles etc.

Scenario C - what's to broach? You say no. Easy. Suggest something else - a sleepover at yours the following weekend.

D - tell them that lots of people enjoy the occasional drink and that as long as you're very sensible and don't drink too much then that's fine, and something they can think about more when they're much older.

E- Yes, it was the right thing to do. 11 is too young to be drinking wine.

There seems to be some over-thinking going on here.

Scenario C : my instinct would be to say no, more because (from the scenario information) it sounds as though this would be a mixed-sex sleepover, as well as being mixed-age. I would explain to her that whilst I trust her, I dont necessarily trust all the other kids who would be there. In addition, I would probably phone the parents of the other child to find out exactly who is going to be staying over, and what supervision the parents are planning to provide...

Scenario A - I wouldn't have had an argument with the eldest one that night if I thought he was drunk, nor would the chat we'd have the next day be an argument either. Anyway, in this scenario I just tell the 8 year old that his brother was drunk and it was stupid.

Scenario B - Talk to them in the same way that you'd perhaps ask an adult who was staying and hadn't been given permission to take something that wasn't theirs. Then have a chat about alcohol severity depending on which child (clearly would be more concerned if it were the younger one).

Scenario C - I'd say 'you can't go because there are older teens there who will be drunk and stupid, sorry'.

Scenario D - I'd offer her watered down wine, I do have an eleven year old dd and have done this. She hasn't taken me up on the offer. My mother did this with me and my brother. My brother doesn't drink, never had and I'm fairly moderate.

Oops I got my scenario D muddled with E, but actually the same answer applies to both anyway.

Scenario A - I would be honest. I would say to younger child "I don't know, I thought he might have been drinking but he says he wasn't and I hope he is telling the truth. Drinking isn't terrible, but fibbing about it is."

Scenario B - To be honest I would assume the 17 yr old had had a couple of beers, and I would not have a problem with that. No need to be sneaky about alcohol at home aged 17. Re the spirits I would say "Hey, did you guys get stuck into the booze while we were away?". No biggie.

Scenario C - "I'm sorry, I realise you don't think it's fair but on this occasion the answer is no" followed by honest answers about why.

Scenario D - Answer questions honestly.

Scenario E - I would have said yes.

These questions all seem to be about nuclear reactive crack cocaine rather than alcohol.

Agree aubergine!

Sc C -I'd say dd is not allowed to go-random,potentially inebriated older children are very different to same sex school mates that I know. I'd emphasise that I trust her but not the situation.

Sc E is difficult, but we never drink with meals. If they'd ask at the party I'd probably say no and go ove that it's her choice when she's an adult, but it's down to me to protect her still developing brain whilst she lives with me. Defining 'try ' is difficult though. I think a sip out of my glass to see what it tastes like is different to a glass of shandy.

Scenario A - I would expect to sit them both down and explain that I don't mind drinking at age 15 if it's done responsibly and supervised - otherwise I DO mind.

Scenario B - I've given older child a lot of responsiblity and I need to know how they feel they did. I would talk about the alcohol missing and make clear that taking it without my permission is theft, and I wouldn't give permission for children to drink in circumstances like that.

Scenario C - not clear what supervision at the party. If no adult supervision that I would trust then dd is not allowed to go.

Scenario D - tbh, if it's something that I don't have in my house, i can't think of any reason why I'd buy it for a 9 and 12 year old. I don't have cigarettes in my house, and I won't be buying them for my children either. When they are older, I would imagine considering buying it for birthdays/christmas, but not convinced that i would.

Scenario E - wouldn't expect to have a party where 11 year old sees people drunk. Not that we wouldn't get drunk, just that children aren't up and about. If they are, then feel slightly po-faced, but wouldn't want to set a bad example to children, and wouldn't have a party with lots of alcohol. Would try the conversation about how drinking too much can make you lose control, and if you're going to do that, you need to be in a very safe environment - like a house party with people you trust. But obviously, also point out the folly of drinking too much...

Scenario A: I would be honest with DS2 that his brother had been drunk. I would ask DS2 what he knew about being drunk and what he thought about it. Most kids of this age are stridently anti alcohol so he is likely to be against his brother being drunk. I would explain that people sometimes make mistakes and that DS1 has realised this was a mistake and has apologised. I would explain why I didn't think DS1 drinking too much was a good idea if DS2 had not lost interest by then.

Scenario B: I wouldn't leave children of this age alone overnight so I am assuming this maybe happened in the daytime during the school holidays? I would say that I had noticed that some alcohol had gone missing. I would say that most kids experiment with alcohol at some point and I would ask them what their experience had been like. Then I would ask them about what their friends were up to in this respect and what their plans were for the future wrt alcohol.

Scenario C: I would not let my 13 year old go to mixed sleepovers with older children. I would tell her that this was not a situation that I felt comfortable with. I would point out that I believe in giving her progressive freedom but that I still had a duty to protect her from being in potential situations that she was too young to deal with.

Scenario D: I would explain why dp and I do not drink and say that I expect my kids to make up their own minds as to whether they want to drink once they are old enough to buy alcohol for themselves. I would buy some alcohol specifically for them to taste as clearly they won't like the taste ( assuming I don't let them try alcopops and present them instead with ultra high proof rum or similar!!)

Scenario E: I don't think its a great idea to be drunk in front of your kids. Drunk adults are usually pretty cringeworthy to kids so its unlikely that my dd would want to try alcohol as a result of seeing adults drunk. If a child wanted to try wine to see what it tasted like I would let them as they won't like the taste. If they wanted to drink a glass of wine each night with supper (as my parents actively encouraged me to from an early age) I would say this was not appropriate as alcohol is not great for developing brains.

Scenario D:

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.
I would discuss the party with my children and suggest getting drunk was not a fantastic idea. I would use it as an opportunity to talk about responsible drinking, and the cons of getting drunk..
I would ask my 11yr old why they want a sip of wine but would allow them to try. I imagine they would hate it.
My 11yr old has had a sip of champagne once when we were celebrating his 11+ success. He thought it disgusting!

Scenario A- I would sit down with the eight-year-old DS and say that yes, DS15 had been drinking, which was illegal, and that is why there was an argument. I would explain that alcohol is to be enjoyed by adults and even then in small quantities, and that the DS15 will be punished for doing something he's not meant to.

Scenario B
Sit down with both of them and ask them straight. Tell them why we are concerned, and if one doesn't own up, point out that because of immaturity we would not be leaving them again.

Scenario C
I would tell her of the absolute fool I made of myself, aged 14, at a party with older siblings, ending up in me KOed on the floor, looking every inch the child and not at all like the demure woman I was trying to be. Her reaction would probably help me decide whether she could go or not- If she was childish and resistant to discussing it, I wouldn't let her, but if she was open, I may.

Scenario D
I would explain why I don't drink (which I don't!), but would also explain why people do drink. I'd say that it is fine for some, and not for others.

Scenario E
I would certainly let her taste it.

Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

--I try to bring my children up with an open and honest relationship and I hope that they would come and talk to me about anything that they have problems with. I would talk to my 8yr old as honestly as possible about his older sibling. To be honest talknig to him about this would not be an issue for me. I would explain that his older sibling had been drinking alcohol and that he shouldn't have been. I would tell him that it is dangerous to drink alcohol at this age and that his older sibling would be losing privilages for doing so.

Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

--I would say to them that I knew alcohol had been taken and I would ask them which one of them it was. I would explain to them the dangers of drinking alcohol at this age and I would punish the child who took the alcohol.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

--It would depend on the age of the older siblings, if they would be supervised or alone and if there were boys or not. If it was just girls and they were supervised I would probably speak to the parents. If there were boys there too I would say 'no'. I would probably trust her to say 'no' to alcohol and I would definately talk to her aout being responsible.

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

--I would talk to them about it. I would probably let them have a try during a meal. I don't think it helps if it is made into a big issue.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

-- I don't think that I would have a party where people got quite drunk and my children were around. It doesn't sit right, however, I would answer any question about alcohol and maybe let them have a try during a meal.

Scenario A
Most teens at some point will try alcohol for some it will be an occasional thing and for others it will be a more frequent thing,I would explain to the younger child that yes his brother had been drinking and it was a bit silly sometimes when people drink they do things they wouldnt normally do and take risks - all of this makes it a very unsafe thing to do and certainly not something he should be doing.

Hopefully the elder child will vomit all over the bathroom and you can wake him up and get him to clean it,also you can find a variety of tasks early the next morning for him to do its also helpful if he made a fool of himself whilst drinking so you can repeat the story ideally elderly neighbours will have seen and will show relentless concern to the elder child and it might make him think twice is it worth the aggro(this happened to my ds )

Scenario B
Our home is a bit unusual in that dh does like a drink whilst I am not really interested mostly - I think if you have alcohol and teens in the house theres going to be a level of curiousity there - I would say to the teens that underage drinking isnt a good thing but I dont mind them having a supervised drink with us at dinner or if its a special occasion i would buy them a couple of beers or wkds etc.

Scenario C

I would impress upon her the importance of keeping herself safe and being alert and aware,I wouldnt really want my dd at a house party in such an environment and might be inclined to say that dreadful word no.

Scenario D
As I said before I dont drink and if my dh didnt then there just wouldnt be alcohol in the house - end of.
I think that children today seen to 'rely' on alcohol to have a 'party' and I think there should be more focus on the other aspects of behaving sociably.

Scenario E
At 11 if this was a drinking household and we held parties I would have no hesitation in allowing my dc to try alcohol perhaps diluted but in very limited degrees.

Scenario E
I would let her try a sip of it and hope that she disliked it!

A: I would tell the absolute truth but put simply and as least worryingly as possible. I would try to keep a sense of humour and be realistic. I certainly experimented with alcahol at 15 but rarely drink now.

B: I would discuss it with the oldest first and then focus questions on the youngest after, if it definitely wasn't the older. I don't think I would leave a thirteen year old overnight though, unless it was an emergency (unless the seventeen year old was extremely mature and able to handle difficult situations such as the younger one wanting to drink alcahol). If it was the younger child I would try to keep my temper and sense of humour, discuss why it is very unhealthy for them to drink alcahol at a young age and take responsibility ie not leave them overnight again.

C: I would begin with an open and frank discussion with her, giving possible situations that might arise and ask what she would do. I would also contact the parents whose children were having the party and discuss how they were attending to run it and the levels of supervision.

D:I would explain the while we didn't drink alcahol lots of other people do, some dangerously and some sensibly, and say that when they are old enough they will be able to try it and I would have no objection to them drinking at home as long as it wasn't an unsafe amount.

E:I would think it was perfectly acceptable to say no so I wouldn't worry about it, it's no big deal. However, I would consider allowing them a sip next time as I don't suppose that would do much harm either.