NOW CLOSED Let's talk children and alcohol - how would you deal with these scenarios? Tell all and you could win a £250 Love2Shop voucher

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

We're working with the brewing company Anheuser-Busch InBev UK to gather your top tips and advice on talking to children about alcohol. AB InBev UK is launching a new initiative called Family Talk UK which aims to encourage open conversation between parents and children about alcohol and responsible drinking. This is not about encouraging under 18s to drink alcohol or marketing drinks.

We understand that some of you will have already had discussions with your child(ren) about drinking and some of you won't - it doesn't matter if you have RL experience of this or not, AB InBev UK want to hear what you did or what you would do if faced with the scenarios below.

If your child(ren) aren't yet at the age where they're aware of alcohol, we'd still like to hear what you think you would do in the scenarios below. This is open to all Mumsnetters with at least one child. Everyone who takes part by adding their advice to this thread will be entered into a prize draw to win a £250 voucher for Love2Shop. You don't have to respond to every scenario below, you can pick the ones that interest you the most if you want - just make sure you tell us which scenario you're responding to in your posts. If possible we'd like you to add your advice/thoughts/comments to the thread before you read anyone else's posts. Some of your tips and advice may feature on the Family Talk UK facebook page.

AB InBev UK is also looking for some Mumsnetters to get more involved with the Family Talk UK initiative. They will be creating some videos to show on the Family Talk UK facebook page. If you'd like to take part in the video or register your interest, please email
[email protected] - they will let you know all the details and there's no obligation by emailing.
Thanks
MNHQ

So here are the scenarios (remember you don't have to respond to each one) - please say how you think you'd deal with them and try not to look at other responses before posting :

Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

prettybird - the survey is different to this - it was sent to our research panel and is still open so you're still in with a chance but for that prize, not this one!

[prettybird]

I'd been on holiday so have only just completed the survey - no chance of winning the vouchers :(

The comment I would make about the sruvey is that it asks about what age your kids first drank various types of alcohol and whether yuo bought it for them or if someone else did/you don't know. I had to answer "Under 10" not because we bought it for him but because we gave him a small glass of wine to taste (dh is in the wine business). As it happens (as we expected) he only ever took at most a couple of sips (and occasionally came up with some good descriptions) and now is not even interested in doing that as he doesn't particularly like it.

It was part of our approach of demystifying it. We did the same with beer - which he only ever tried once, dsiliked (as we expected) and has never asked for a taste again.

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

Thanks again to everyone who added their thoughts/advice/comments. We've done the prize draw and the £250 Love2Shop voucher goes to...

Jux

Congratulations and happy spending! I'll email you to get address details for sending the voucher.

[ThePosieParker]

I think the general consensus is that parents do know how to approach alcohol if they're parents that talk to their children. It's not hard is it?

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

Thanks to everyone who added their tips and advice - here's a message of thanks from AB InBev UK:

"We'd like to thank all the Mumsnetters who took part in this discussion - you've provided valuable insight into how to handle these scenarios.

AB InBev UK's new initiative called Family Talk UK will launch later this summer. We hope it will encourage open conversation between parents and children about alcohol and responsible drinking. The tips and advice you've given us here will help to shape the campaign, so thank you.

We're still looking for Mumsnetters to get more involved with the Family Talk UK initiative. In particular we're looking for volunteers to be part of the videos we're creating for Facebook that will offer other parents tips on how to talk to your DCs about responsible drinking. Please get in touch if you'd like to help by emailing [email protected]."

[jenniferturkington]

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?


I would still let her go but be honest about my concerns. I would tell her that I trusted her not to drink and would hope this trust would be repaid. I would also check that a parent would be around at the sleepover.
Obviously if she came home with the hangover from hell then she wouldn't be going to the next sleepover!

[curlycreations]

i like a drink on special occasions and have been known to get drunk, but i dont know why it seems so acceptable now to have wine with dinner in the house unless its like christmas. a lot of people seem to be drinking it on most days.

[ThePosieParker]

Scenario A


I would say that the older DS has been irresponsible and chosen to do something against this houses rules, should he do it again he will be grounded. None is permitted to drink until they are 18, unless we're there.

Scenario B
Who wouldn't be sure about talking? Presumably you haven't just adopted these children? I would talk about stealing, drinking underage and responsibility of being an older child and having exams. It would go like this " Who took the alcohol, you have 5 minutes to tell the truth or all privileges are withdrawn until further notice.

Scenario C
Hello 13 yr old, christ knows when I had a lobotomy that allowed you to go to so many house parties but this time I'm saying no as they'll be older children there.

Scenario DI would find the most foul tasting alcohol and give them a sip or just say we don't drink, some people do, it isn't always harmful but can be dreadful.

Scenario E
Of course you'd let them try a sip. Then when they said it was foul, you'd do a mental dance for joy.

[RoundOrangeHead]

yeah what custy said

[angrywoman]

scenario a) I would use this as an opportunity to tell my younger son about alcohol and its effects. It is important to be open about it, as it is so widely used in our society.
scenario e) I would let her have a small taste as I wouldn't want it to seem attractively forbidden. I would not want drunken people around my children as I don't want them to think it is acceptable, so this would be unlikely to happen.
My children's father (my ex) is an alcoholic and they have already seen the damage it can do. If I had talked to my kids about alcohol earlier then we could have saved them being put in dangerous situations when their father was drunk and I had no idea of his problem.

[Dogsby]

Sorry but these are just stupid scenarios

[Dogsby]

A - ID tell him it was none of his business


b - i wouldnt leave them alone

c - yod have to trust her - shell prob get drink
D - no of course they bloody cant

E - i wouldnt get that drunk in front of kids and CERTAINLY not let an 11 year old try a drug fgs

[ramade]

Scenario C

I would eplain that it's our job to protect her and that at 13 it's natural to be curious, also that it's common to look up to older girls and think they've got it all worked out and sorted. I would explain that we feel that letting her go on this sleep over would be the wrong thing for us to do, because we don't know these girls well enough. I would explain that our fear is that she would be exposed to issues and alcohol which might make her grow up too fast and not enjoy being the age that she is.

I would encourage her to tell me if she was angry with our desision and why. I would try to negotiate some rules about alchohol together (what age, where etc) and discuss the issues which go with it (teenage sex, binge drinkins, health etc.

[SecretSquirrels]

A - I would tell him the truth, more or less, that big brother had drunk some beer and we were a bit cross because he should have asked us first.

B - I would wait until they were both in the room and say ok who's been at the beer, was it you DS? Again I would say that it's unacceptable to take alcohol without asking first. He must know that I wouldn't let him have it while we were out. In general I ask that when they are about to do something like this they think about whether I would be happy about it.

C - I have said no to 13 year old DS in a similar scenario.

D - I do drink so cannot really imagine this.

E - I don't have friends over or parties. However DSs have seen adults drink. It's never been a great mystery to them as they have been allowed a sip if they wanted. At 13 they were offered a very small glass of champagne on their birthday and again at Christmas. At 14 a small beer on holiday or on special occasions. They usually prefer cola.

[CointreauVersial]

Scenario A

I would probably try to keep information to a minimum on this case and play it down, just explain to the younger one that we were discussing with his brother how he should be behaving while out, being responsible/safe etc. because we care. I wouldn't want to glamorise alcohol consumption to the younger one and would play up the bad effects (older DS was bad-tempered, felt ill the next day etc). My DD is 8 and is very holier-than-thou at the moment (it won't last)!

Scenario B

I would certainly talk to both, together, not assume innocence of either. I would focus more on the honesty/trust issue of being left alone in the house. If the 17 yo wants the odd beer this is possible but only if she asks and is supervised; this would remove the "mystique". Spirits I would come down harder on.

Scenario C

Have a chat beforehand about responsibility, and explain that if the rules are broken that this will be a one-time event. TBH I would be nervous about letting her go, unless I knew the older siblings well and there were adults I trusted around too.

Scenario D

Not answering this one, as I can't imagine being a non-drinker!!

Scenario E

This wouldn't happen - I would let an 11 yo try a few sips of wine if they wanted, and have done just that. Again, don't want alcohol to develop any sort of "mystique" as a forbidden and exciting substance.

[PeppermintPanda]

A. Answer the 8 year olds' questions honestly, and make sure he sees the hangover! Then later I'd probably have a chat with them both together about it and get the 15 year old to describe how it felt to his brother - the good and the bad. And I'd talk about trying things responsibly, not getting so hammered that they don't know where they are or what they are doing, and possible consequences of drinking that much. Then I'd have a word with the older one about setting a good example for his brother (but I'd expect that to go in one ear and out the other).

B. I wouldn't leave a 17 year old in charge of a 13 year old all weekend, especially if the 17 year old was trying to revise for exams - I can remeber what a pain I was to my older brother when he was revising! I also wouldn't automatically blame the younger one for missing booze, or actually blame either of them directly - maybe mention it to them together and ask if either of them knew anything about it, but that amount wasn't much and I certainly wouldn't go nuts at them if I was daft enough to leave them alone with a house full of alcohol.

C. If I knew and trusted the parents of the child having the party to be there and be responsible, I would let her go, but maybe not let her sleepover. If I didn't know the parents, or didn't trust them, she wouldn't go.

D. Answer their questions as honestly as I could, including explaining why I don't drink (don't like the taste or the feeling of being out of control). If we were with friends or family etc who were drinking with their meal and they asked to try some, I would let them have a taste. I'd probably have a sip myself and let them see the look on my face after I have a mouthful of wine (I can't help it - it always tastes like cat pee and it really hurts too).

E. I wouldn't have a houseful of drunk adults, especially with children present. Assuming that they saw it somewhere else and had questions, the answer is the same as D above.

[dizzyblonde]

I have 3 teenagers, youngest 15 and oldest 19.
Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

I would say that his brother had had too much to drink and we were cross with him but he said sorry and that was the end of it.


Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

I have left mine at home frequently with no problems at all but if this happened I would ask them separately. I would guess it was the thirteen year old doing a bit of experimenting and would have a chat about taking alcohol without asking. I would also make sure that I told them it was forbidden next time I went away although I would say that the 17 year old could have a beer if she wanted to.


Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

I would be honest with her and tell her that I was trusting her to be sensible. I presume the parents would be there so I would also have a quiet word with them and tell them that I didn't want her drinking.
I have always told my children that if they feel uncomfortable in any way they can text me and I will call with an excuse/reason they need to come home and collect them.

Scenario D- difficult to answer as we do drink.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

I would not have said no in the first place. All mine have been allowed a taste whenever they have asked and are now offered a glass when we have some. They occasionally have one but not often.
My approach seems to have worked so far as they have a responsible attitude to alcohol. My job in Emergency services brings me into contact
With drunks on a regular basis and the children know I have zero tolerance for bad behaviour when drunk. I do tell them about drunken teenagers in A&E and how disgusting they look with vomit in their hair etc.

[rumpleteaser]

A - I would be honest with the younger child and explain that the 15 yr old is under age and explain the dangers of alcohol.

B - wouldn't leave younger child with 17yr old.

D - I would explain about alcohol and and why people drink it and what happens if they drink too much. If they wanted to try a drink, supervised, I'd let them have a sip.

E - I would'nt have very drunk people around my children and I probably wouldn't have said no if the child wanted to sip my wine.
If as the scenario says, this had happened, I would explain the dangers of alcohol and what happens if a person drinks too much.

[ICantFindAFreeNickName]

Scenario A
We would tell him that his brother had had a bit too much to drink & how that can effect someone so young & why the law says you should not drink until you are 18. We would explain that his DB was sorry & regretting what he had done. I might be really mean and get him to make lots of noise, just to ensure older DS really suffers with his hangover.

Scenario B
We would never go away and leave 2 young teenagers on their own overnight. We would also be unlikely to notice if any drink was missing, but if we did we would talk to them both together and find out who took the drink & under what circumstances. I would also never make assumptions about which of them took the drink.

Scenario C
It would depend on the girls parents and how well we thought they would be supervised. We would explain that we don't want her to drink & talk about how she would cope with different situations (peer pressure, teasing if not drinking etc). I would also give her some posh fruit juice to take so that she has something nice to drink, rather than coke. We would ensure that she knows we trust her, but if she lets us down, she will not be allowed to go to similar parties in future.

Scenario D
My children have been allowed to try a sip of whatever we are drinking from when they were young. I strongly feel that if you ban something, you make it seem more exciting.

Scenario E
Very similar to my answer for D. I really don't see what the problem is. My children have seen their dad & some of our friends drunk (OK very drunk).

I don't drink myself, but DP drinks beer / wine most weekends. The children have always been allowed to try a sip of anything that they want. They see alchol being drunk in the house or when out with friends. Hopefully they will have a very relaxed attitude to it as they get older (DS15 shows no sign of wanting to drink when with his friends yet).

[trice]

Scenario A
I would explain that ds1 had come home drunk and was an idiot.

Scenario B
I would challenge the 17 year old over the beer theft. I would be happy provide a beer to my seventeen year old if they asked nicely and I was supervising. It is not OK to drink while you are working though and babysitting is work. And theft is just plain not on.

Scenario C
I wouldn't let a 13 year old go to a party where there were a lot of older children and not enough adult supervision. The peer pressure would be too great.

Scenario E
I would not give wine to an 11 year old. I would probably give them a detailed explanation of the toxicity of alcohol and how it affects your brain. I would talk to them about how alcohol can be enjoyable and sociable but how drunkenness is not either of those things and was usually a mistake. We would talk about relatives who have destroyed their lives and died from alcohol abuse, I want my children to be able to have a couple of beers and then stop.

[BeattieBow]

Sorry have cut and pasted so sorry for duplication. dcs not quite at this age yet, so I am just guessing. (also, I kind of expect that my children will try alcohol at some stage, and will probably get hideously drunk and possibly ill. i will just try to equip them with all the facts about drinking and try to educate them so they can deal with situations as they arise.

Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

I think i would be honest and say that we thought that ds1 had been drinking, but that he was breaking the law, was being irresponsible and that he was in deep trouble for doing it. I would then talk about the consequences of drinking. I would also talk about going out late and being considerate to parents etc.

Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

I'd sit them down separately and grill them. I wouldn't leave them alone over night - asking for trouble imo!


Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

It depends how old the siblings are, whether they will be supervised by parents and what sex the siblings/friends are. I wouldn't let her go if there were no parents there full stop. If the parents were there I may let her go but would speak to her carefully before hand and the parents and get assurances that no alcohol at all would be involved. I would probably also phone up a couple of times in the evening.



Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

I would explain that they are underage and can't try it at the moment. I would let them try it when they were older. I would tell them about the risks of alcohol

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

I think that dh has let my dcs have a taste of his wine/beer and they all hate it so I probably would let her have a sip. I'm sure she would think it tastes vile. I would explain that it is ok for her to have a sip but she is not old enough to drink wine yet. based on my experience with my children (some of whom are younger than 11) i don't think she would be pressurising me to let her drink. My chiildren have seen similar circumstances to this - sometimes we drink at lunch and the evening if we have friends/family over and we sometimes get tipsy. However we haven't had drunken get togethers while they are awake.

I think the biggest pressures to drink would be from friends etc when they are older (say 14?) but not from family but maybe I'm being naive. And actually we don't have any heavy drinkers in the family. (and don't generally even drink at home except on rare ocassions)

[oxocube]

Scenario A
I would be honest with younger ds. My boys are actually 15 and 9 and athough older ds does go out and has a beer at the weekend, he has never come home drunk (yet!). Don't know about other people's kids but my 9 year old has already asked questions about alcohol, what it is like to be drunk etc. I thnk it goes with the territory of having a six year age gap between kids.

Scenario B

I don't understand this 'not sure how' to talk to them. I would simply say that alcohol had gone missing and I wanted to know which one of them had taken/drunk it. I would be more concerned about the lying than teens trying the odd beer or shot of vodka, especially at 17. My kids are often alone and its stupid to think I can watch their every move. Being open is the key here, I think, although I certainly don't think my kids tell me everything.

Scenario C

If there will be older boys there I would be worried not so much about the alcohol as my 13 yr old dd doesn't drink and is very sensible. I would be more worried about a young girl being propositioned by a older and more experienced guy and the girl finding herself totally out of her depth. I would have to know that the parents were there at all times and would have to know them personally but my thoughts are that I would say no.

Scenario D

Doesn't apply

Scenario E

I would continue to say no. Adults in my home are free to make certain decisions regarding alcohol but an 11 yr old is not.


Scenario E

[yellowflowers]

Scenario C
Explain why you are concerned - it's not her it's others you don't trust. Ask her to suggest a compromise eg she goes but doesn't sleep over.

[MyNameIsInigoMontoya]

Scenario A

Think I would just be very straight and explain to him what we had argued about and why we were unhappy that DS1 might have been drinking. Anyway if not sure how much he heard of the argument then it would not be a good idea to try to lie about it or pretend it didn't happen.

Scenario B
Would sit down with both of them together and tell them what I had noticed and ask what they have to say. If it was the younger one I would be very unhappy and have a serious talk. If it was the older one the discussion would be a bit different as I would consider them old enough to try it but they should ask first and only do it with us there/with our permission, not just help themselves when we are away. But would have to make clear to the younger one why this was not appropriate for them.

Scenario C
Hard to say as kids are nowhere near that age, but I think it would depend a lot on the friend's parents. If I knew and trusted them I wouldn't be too concerned, but if I thought there might be drinking and/or the children might not be properly supervised I would probably say she can't go on this occasion but can go another time when the older ones wouldn't be there.

Scenario D
Not sure, as we do drink but if we didn't then our attitude would probably depend on our reasons for not drinking. Otherwise I would just have a chat with them and allow them to ask any questions they have, and try to give straight factual answers but making sure to include the negative aspects of drinking as well as why some people like it.

Scenario E
Wouldn't happen as I would think it totally wrong for "all the adults to be quite drunk" at a party with children present, or even if they weren't present but in bed but the adults were still responsible for them. In this case at least some of the adults should be reasonably sober in case of need.

[yellowflowers]

Scenario B

I think 13 is too young to be looked after by 17.

But... Confront them with facts and see what they say. Even if neither admit it they will learn that you take underage drinking and stealing seriously.