NOW CLOSED Let's talk children and alcohol - how would you deal with these scenarios? Tell all and you could win a £250 Love2Shop voucher

[NewGirlHelenMumsnet]

We're working with the brewing company Anheuser-Busch InBev UK to gather your top tips and advice on talking to children about alcohol. AB InBev UK is launching a new initiative called Family Talk UK which aims to encourage open conversation between parents and children about alcohol and responsible drinking. This is not about encouraging under 18s to drink alcohol or marketing drinks.

We understand that some of you will have already had discussions with your child(ren) about drinking and some of you won't - it doesn't matter if you have RL experience of this or not, AB InBev UK want to hear what you did or what you would do if faced with the scenarios below.

If your child(ren) aren't yet at the age where they're aware of alcohol, we'd still like to hear what you think you would do in the scenarios below. This is open to all Mumsnetters with at least one child. Everyone who takes part by adding their advice to this thread will be entered into a prize draw to win a £250 voucher for Love2Shop. You don't have to respond to every scenario below, you can pick the ones that interest you the most if you want - just make sure you tell us which scenario you're responding to in your posts. If possible we'd like you to add your advice/thoughts/comments to the thread before you read anyone else's posts. Some of your tips and advice may feature on the Family Talk UK facebook page.

AB InBev UK is also looking for some Mumsnetters to get more involved with the Family Talk UK initiative. They will be creating some videos to show on the Family Talk UK facebook page. If you'd like to take part in the video or register your interest, please email
[email protected] - they will let you know all the details and there's no obligation by emailing.
Thanks
MNHQ

So here are the scenarios (remember you don't have to respond to each one) - please say how you think you'd deal with them and try not to look at other responses before posting :

Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15. Last Saturday your older DS came home from a party and you suspected he was drunk. You argued that night but he has since apologised and promised to be more responsible in future. However, your younger DS woke up during the argument and has been asking questions about what happened, and whether his older brother had been drinking. You and DP don't know how you should broach the subject with him or what you should say.

Scenario B
You and DP were both away with work recently and left your 17 year old DD and 13 year old DS at home on their own. When you came back you noticed that a couple of beers were missing and the level on some of your spirits was lower than you remembered. Your DD is revising for her exams at the moment and you don't think she would have taken the alcohol. You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend. Several of your friends and their DCs came over. The party carried on late and all the adults were quite drunk. Your oldest DD, who is 11, has since asked if she can try some of your wine during dinner. You have said no, but you're not sure if this was the right thing to do.

Scenario D: just have a Frank and honest discussion about how adults drink alcohol. Talk about how it is nice for adults to drink a little bit of alcohol, but it makes people do silly things if they have too much. Also talk about how if children drink alcohol it can make them very poorly as children's bodies aren't ready for the chemicals in alcohol. Keep it simple and honest and the kids will appreciate it.

Scenario A

Just explain that DS went to a party and tried alcohol, had too much and then that made them act in this way, and that you weren't happy about it, hence the arguement. And explain that DS now realises that he should have been more sensible and you hope that he will do from now on in.

Scenario B

I would speak to them both seperately about it, the DD first, then the 13y. With the 17y I would make sure they knew that they should not drink at all when in charge of a 13y overnight.

Scenario C

If I felt very uncomfortable I would stick to my guns and say no, not this time.
I would want to know if the parents were there and how much supervision was taking place. If none, then she wouldn't be going. If they were there I'd be more likely to permit her to go. I'd also speak to her about possible problems and give her a mobile of mine to call at a given time as her "get out clause" if she needs one.

Scenario D

I'd tell them about alcohol and point them to the direction of a good website or two as well. I'd make sure they knew both sides - the good and the bad. I would also explain my own reasons for not drinking if that was the case.

Scenario E

I'd allow an 11y to have a very small glass of wine with dinner. The legal limit for drinking alcohol at home is 5y iirr, so it is not illegal anyway. But it would be one very smal glass and no more each time. My 9y has had a very small amount of fizz on special occasions - literally only a mouthful or two.

Scenario A; I would explain that DS (15) had been drinking & that although Mum & Dad were upset he didn't tell us before hand that there may be drinking at the party, because anything could've happened at the party, I'd ask DS (15) to explain to DS (8) why he was drinking and how awful hangovers are.

Scenario B; I would ask DD first, then DS, I would explain it is ok to try alcohol if there is a parent around (but only then just a bit), and that I was upset that DD (I assume!) would behave that way if she was incharge, and that she wouldn't ask us before hand if she could have a drink.

Scenario C; I would tell DD that I trust her to use her judgement in this, and do what she thinks we'd be happy with her doing. I would talk to the parents of the friend & explain what DD has said to me, and to tell me if DD or friends her age do drink anything.

Scenario D; I would think the 12 yr old would be allowed a small glass of shandy with a meal on special occassions, so would have an understanding of alcohol. I'd tell them both my own reasons for not drinking, and would explain why adults do it, and then why kids do it, if they were still interested come New Year or the next special occasion I would buy something low alcohol (like Babycham) and let them try a little, just because at 9 & 12 if they are happy to talk alcohol with you, I'd expect they'd continue to be as they grew older and having friends drink becomes more common. I wouldn't put them off drinking intentionally, as I wouldn't want them to feel they couldn't discuss it with me if their friend were bringing vodka to school etc (like we used to do)!

Scenario E; I would allow DD to try wine with her meal, and help her to understand what is acceptable social drinking & what isn't.

We rarely drink in front of the DCs btw and would never ever be drunk in front of them (both me and DH had fathers who binge drank, and after helping my Mum clean my Dad up after throwing up/soiling himself I find myself very reluctant to even be tipsy in front of mine) I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with alcohol tbh.

A: I'd be happy to tell 8 yo that 15 yo had come home drunk and had been told off as they were too young to be out drinking, but I don't think I would have argued with 15yo in the first place - I would have sent them to bed, and then had long and loud words with them very early the next day when they were hungover (bit pointless arguing with a drunk teenager!)

B: We'd just ask, individually and then together. If they both denied it then they'd both get sanctions - even if 17yo didn't drink it they should have been keeping an eye on the 13yo.

C: Not enough information here to answer really! For me there's a big difference between a House party and a girls sleepover. DD won't be going to party parties at 13, and if it's just a sleepover then it shouldn't make a difference if the host has older siblings with friends over. I'd imagine the parents of the host would be keeping an eye on things?

D: The fake me and DH's are a bit wussy aren't they? If DCs ask questions (about anything, not just drink) then we'd answer them as truthfully as we can, tailoring it to the age of the individual. I'm not sure what there is not to know what to do? Talk to them!

E: We wouldn't have been drunk, but DCs have seen our friends drunk. DS1 (13) has asked to try beer and wine when we've had them at meals when out. I've said he can try a sip - he tried beer and wasn't keen, and backed out of trying wine. I was pretty confident he wouldn't tbh - it's an acquired taste Better to try it with us than with a group of friends. They wouldn't get more than that though. I'm not going to be comfortable with them drinking until they're a good few years older (I'm not going to be naive enough to believe that they won't drink at all, and no matter what I say they're going to drink too much at least once. Drinking is sadly far too culturally ingrained in this country)

Going to go read everyone else's answers now!

Scenario A (I actually have dcs of these ages)
I would explain to my 8 year old that 15 year old had been drinking 'wine' and you are not supposed to if you are a child ie under 18. I would say that 15 yo has realised they were naughty and have promised not to do it again. I think this would be sufficient explanation.

Scenario B

I would just ask them outright. Say I'm not accusing them but I would hope they would let me know. I would ask the 17 yo and say that if they wanted a couple pf beers then they only had to ask me and we would discuss it but I was disappointed that they felt they had to be underhand about it.

Haven't read other answers.
Scenario A
You have two DSs who are 8 and 15.

If he's asking, he needs an answer. I think I'd say that drinking too much alcohol can make you silly and do things you wouldn't normally do, and it's hard to know how much will affect you which is why kids aren't allowed to drink it, though often older kids do. And that parents will be worried if it looks like kids have been drinking as they could get very sick or have an accident. I'd explain that a drink with a meal with family when your're older is OK but doing it in secret isn't.

Scenario B
You want to talk to both of them about it but you're not sure how.
I remember being the 17yo...
I'd plan to get them together and explain that they're growing up and likely to want to drink alcohol, but that it's not to be done in secret. And just in case they thought about it, the booze in the cupboard is mine and not to be taken without asking.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties.

I'm not sure I would - I'd be a lot more concerned about the adult supervision of such a party (possible sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and general older peer pressure) and quizzing the parents of the friend first. And quite possibly saying the friend could come to ours but she's not going there. Would depend how well I knew the family.

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink.

Hard to imagine this, but I'd have to explain the risks, why it's not allowed for kids unless under parental supervision, and that they shouldn't do it without adults around. And look out for a social event where they could sip a drink that with luck they wouldn't like.

Scenario E
You held a party at your house last weekend.

I wouldn't have friends round all getting 'quite drunk' - mildly tipsy I suppose but not all the adults as someone has to be responsible. And I'd let a 11yo try my wine at dinner - if she liked it then I'd give her the lecture on only drinking at home with adults present.

A) I would tell younger DS exactly what had happened, that older DS had been drinking alcohol and drunk too much and that that made us (parents) cross and worried for x, y and z reasons.

B) I would sit them down together and ask them. Could have been either of them.

C) The answer would remain a no. The potential for drink, drugs, sex and other stuff I probably don't even know about these days with the older siblings friends would be too dangerous. And I'd probably explain it that way too, that I might trust DD but I don't trust other people whom I don't know and she might find herself in situations she didn't know how to handle. More age and experience required.

D) I would answer any questions I was asked.

E) I would let my 11yr old try a little wine under these circ (ie having wine with dinner) though I would feel I'd failed somewhat by letting her see me and other adults pissed. I'd be trying to give alcohol a pretty low profile in my house/lifestyle for a while.

Scenario D

I think Iwould sit them down together and ask them to ask what they want to know.
This is the easiest scenario to deal with I think as its preempting any actual drinking on the kids part. Id hope Id have already seen it coming but if not Id try not to be scared to have an open discussion. I dont remember any talks about booze with my parents but they did allow me to have a babycham at xmas/new year when I was about 13/14 even though neither of them were drinkers (although they weren't teetotal-they just had a drink on special occasions. I'd probably do something similar tbh.

Forearmed is forewarned.

A> I would sit both children down together, and ask dc1 to explain to dc2. Making sure he explained exactly how stupid it was and how bad he felt the next day.

B>I probably wouldn't leave a 17 year old in charge of a 13 year old, but in the situation described I would have s chat about stealing, dishonesty, and the fact that if neither can be trusted then the next time they will be shipped out to stay with Grandparents.

C> Have a chat about how quickly things can go from being "fine" to "not fine" and that in situations that you are not comfortable, then you can always phone home, and we will help out. Would also explain that drinking can lead to you feeling out of control, and this is not a good idea, and that underage drinking is illegal.

D> Be honest. Explain that whilst some people enjoy a drink to be sociable there are a lot of negatives. Allow them to have watered down wine or low alcohol beer ( the nasty stuff) when they are 12/13 but only In the hope it will put them off

E> allow her... No 11 year olds like wine.

Scenario A
I would explain that just like we don't talk about his misdemeanours and sanctions with his older brother, we wouln't be telling him about his brother. But, if he wants to know generally about alcohol, he can ask us.

Scenario B
Wouldn't happen - ie leaving them alone overnight. But, would start with 'so, we need to ask you some questions about what happened while we weren't her. Then explain, and get some feedback from them.

Scenario C
Explain that there will prob be alcohol that if she wants to carry on enjoying sleepovers, she won't be joining in with the older girls - plus, why would the older girls be encouraging them to drink? etc.

Scenario D
No they can't try it. Yes, I will explain what it is.

Scenario E
Would prob have just explained it's for grown ups - we haven't even relaxed on cola yet, so long way to go til we get to the hard stuff!

Scenario A
I would tell the younger DS the truth, that we believed DS 1 had been drinking alcohol, we were cross because he is too young. Would not actually accuse DS1 of lying.

Scenario B
Would ask DD if she had noticed DS behaving strangely, because some alcohol was missing. Her reaction would hopefully reveal the truth.

Scenario C
Would not let her go, would explain that I do trust HER, (even if I don't really), but that the older ones might get out of control if they were drinking. Would explain what I meant by out of control, hoping that she would agree that it was not appropriate for her to be there.

Scenario D
Would explain WHY we don't drink, could be for health, alcoholism, hangovers, expense etc. , and suggest that they can try for themselves when they are old enough. Also would point out that if they are offered a taste at someone else's house, they should explain that they are too young to drink alcohol.

Scenario E
Would explain that 11 is too young. Would admit that being drunk can be fun, but it is not worth the hangover.

Scenario D
Neither you nor your DP drink. However, both your 9 year old DD and 12 year old DS have started asking questions about alcohol recently and have mentioned that other people they know have tried it. They haven't asked specifically if they can try a drink but do seem to want to know more about it. You're not sure what to do.

Neither I or my husband drink for religous reasons. I would not allow my child to drink. If as an adult when it legal etc, they can do what they want outside the house, but would understand that I disaprove.

I have already told my children who are both very young that we cannot have alcoholic drinks or food containing alcohol, even if it has been burnt away (hat is the proper term for that?) in cooking as it is considered impure.They have obviously asked why it is not allowed and I have explained that it can be bad for your health, can be addictive, does alter your mental state which can occassionally mean you make serious mistakes.

These scenarios seem highly unrealistic to me but I have tried to take them as seriously as I could.

Scen A
I would be honest with my eight year old that his brother had too much to drink at a party and had a apologised. Beyond that it would depend on the questions.

Scen B
If it was the first time it had happened and I was sure the 13 year old hadn't been drinking I wouldn't challenge the status quo. I would hope that I would know what my 17 year old's interest in alcohol was before going away and leaving drinks where he could get them if I couldn't trust him and I certainly wouldn't have left them overnight on their own.

Scen C
If my instinct was to say no, I'd follow it. I would offer a house party at ours instead for a different weekend to make up for it if I felt she was really missing out.

Scen D
I'd answer any questions directly and try to find out where their interests lay and why.

Scen E
I'm not sure what the connection with the party would be in this scenario, as in a household that often drinks wine with dinner this question would have arisen a lot earlier. However, going with the flow if I'd said no, then that would be it until the next time she asked. In RL I probably would have let her try some.

Scenario A
The next time the younger child asked what had happened, I would explain that his brother was drunk, we were very unhappy about it and that is unacceptable. I would also tell younger child that his brother had apologised and would be more responsible. I dont think it should be all hushed up and not discussed, we (most of us) also drank as teenagers. It's not the end of the world but is not something I would encourage or reward with a big fuss.

Scenario C
I would be completely honest and tell her my reasoning; that I trust her but not other people and that it's my responsibility to keep her safe, therefore she wont be going.

Scenario C
Your 13 year old DD has started going to house parties. Usually these are just girls only sleepovers. However, this weekend she wants to go to a friend's house where you know there are older siblings who will have their friends over too. You trust her not to drink but your instinct is still to say no. How do you broach it with her?

I'd talk to her about it at length and say 'what will you do if X or Y happens' (i.e. if someone offers you a drink, what if it's a hot boy etc.) so I can give her some tools to help her cope with it. And then I'd let her go for a limited time (i.e. till 10pm) on the basis everyone would be getting trolleyed later on.

Scenario A. I'd be honest and point out how ill it can make you feel, how it can make you do stupid things etc

Scenario B. I would just ask them straight out.

Scenario c. I would tell her my reasons for not letting her go and as much as I trust her, I don't trust other people. Although as a compromise, I might let her go for a short while, if she had responded well to the talk.

Scenario d. I would just talk openly about it. Not make it something shrouded in secrecy. Some people like to drink and some don't. If the were not that interested I wouldn't take it as an opportunity to decry the evils of drink.

Scenario E. I would let my children have a sip, if they wanted too. Alcohol is not a taste kids like and by not letting them would only make it more interesting as if they were missing something. i might point out that the people at the party had drunk a lot and irresponsibly

Scenario a - I would try to be honest without givine him more info than he requested, so just answering his questions and hopefully being able to honestly say his brother regretted it.

Scenario b I would talk to them seperately and ask outright.

Scenario c Explain concerns and make it clear I was trusting her to do the right thing not bow to peer pressure.

Scenario d Honest talk about why alcohol is a bad idea at their age.

Scenario e stick to guns, as above discuss why.

A) explain what happend
B) ask each child what the other child did. punish for stealing if one of them stole. this is really not a 'booze issue' but a 'stealing' issue.
c) Organise a weekend for us at the Aunties/ camping. why argue over it when i can organise out of it?
D) i do drink. if i didn't, my parents/family still would. My children would have had a drink before reaching 9yo. if they hadn't, they would have some then...
E)i wouldn't have said no, they would have been allowed a small drink. but if i had, no would mean no...

my daughter is not yet 4 :)

A - be honest with younger ds and say yes, older ds had had a drink. Discuss it with both ds so the older can see how it affected the younger and confirm it was not a good experience and he is not going to repeat it in the near future
B - mention you know some alcohol is missing and you would like them to talk to you about it in an hour's time. Wait to see who owns up. Talk to them about sensible drinking. tbh though would think a 17 yo stressed out with revision would be more likely to have a drink!
C - completely depends on the parents of the other child - if they will be there and if I trusted them. If so ok, but I would just mention there may be older siblings drinking and I know she won't touch any
D - (disclaimer - wouldn't have this situation as we both drink, but...) talk to them about the effects of alcohol and tell them they are too young to drink any at the moment. If they just want a taste, one finger dipped in some.
E - I would explain the effects would be much greater on a smaller, younger person but if she wanted to taste it, one sip. If she liked it, I would be fine to dilute it well with soda occasionally with food.

Basically just be honest and open about it.
Now I wil read the other replies!!

I agree with the many posters who said that these scenarios are wishy washy. I don't think kids need to be wrapped in a bubble and protected from the notion of alcohol. I am not ashamed of my children seeing us have a glass of wine at the weekend, or even having people over for a party. Noone is ever falling down drunk or being sick and I don't drink enough to suffer from a hangover the next day.
My dcs are 6 and 8 and I do think its important to answer their questions and to talk about responsible and irrespinsible ways to behave.
I would never steer away from a discussion on anything health related.
I fully expect my children will experiment with alcohol as in scenario A when they are teenagers. I work with hundreds of 15 year olds and I know exactly what they get up to. I feel that banning things outright will only end up for the worse in the long run as teenagers will have more to rebel against.
So as in scenario E, I would let them have a taste (maybe not a whole glass) to take the mystery out of alcoholic drinks, but I wouldn't make a game out of it.

Scenario A
I would say that yes he had been drinking, that it was very silly/irresponsible to drink too much and that he would be in serious trouble if it happened again.

Scenario B
I would not leave them home alone - or if I did, I would make sure there was no alcohol in the house!

Scenario C
I would tell her that 13 is too young to go to parties where older kids will be drinking, and that she can have a couple of friends her own age over instead.

Scenario D
Well we do both drink. But anyway I would say that sometimes adults drink alcohol to relax, but sometimes they can drink too much and it makes them act daftly and feel ill. And that when they are old enough they are welcome to try it!

Scenario E
This would never happen - would never have drunk adults in the house with young children (not unless they're safely tucked up in bed!).

I don't have teenagers, but:

Scenario A: I would work out what the 8 year old did hear and be as honest as possible. I would never make alcohol a totally forbidden substance for teens, but explain that it's an adult thing because it can make you ill and that the 15 year old shouldn't have tried alcohol behind our backs and should have talked to us first.

Scenario E: Wine is an acquired taste. Twice our 7 year old has asked for a taste and twice we've said go ahead and he's wished he didn't bother because it tastes nasty. IMO drunk adults and children really don't mix, though. We do, occasionally drink in front of the kids, with a nice meal, or whatever, but would never get sloshed when we have to deal with them.

Scenario A - I would be honest, and tell him his brother was drunk because he drank too much alcohol. But I would also tell him that when drunk sensibly alcohol is nice and doesn't have to make you drunk.

Scenario B - I would probably be quite lenient. I would tell them I was disappointed that they had drunk the alcohol but I probably wouldn't punish them. I think at 13 and 17 experimenting with alcohol is normal and as long as what they drank was only small it's not too worrying. But honestly I wouldn't leave a 13 year old and 17 year old alone whilst I went on holiday. A 17 year old yes (I've left my 16 year old alone for a weekend in the past) but now with a 13 year old also.

Scenario C - I would tell her no, and explain she was too young to be able to deal with that type of situation. Oh she's probably scream and cry and hate me but I would know she was safe, and in the future she would get it.

Scenario D - It's difficult to imagine this one because DH and I do drink and so does DSD (18). The kids also know that we drink and they've tasted our drinks before (wine and beer) although never had a full glass. Also when we got married we allowed DSD (6 at the time) to have 2 small glasses of champagne.

Scenario E - Again another hard to imagine scenario. As we wouldn't hold a party where there were several very drunk adults in the house whilst the kids were there. But if my dds asked to try a glass of wine with dinner I would allow a small one possibly with lemonade, and also on special occasions as above.

A I would explain that yes, he had broken the law and was in big trouble!

B I would speak to them seperately....ask them for the truth.

C I would not allow her to go....not with older siblings and unknown teens present.

D I would explain honestly why I do not drink and also why others ejoy a drink...I would explain the effects of drinking...how it can make people feel more confident, relaxed and happy...then I would let them know that Yoga or buying a new frock can do the same thing without the risks!

E I would say no...not until she has reached age 16 or so....nd I would also explain the damage alcohol can do to a child.