School refusing to communicate with me

[claw3]

Ds has been refusing school on PE days (2 days a week) since 18th May. I have phoned SENCO, she is refusing to speak to me or return my calls. I have sent her an email and she replied telling me not to contact her via email.

I am just about to write my 3rd letter informing school of why ds is not in school (to cover my own arse as school have reported me to the attendance officer)

I have offered to pick ds up before PE and drop him back after, so he doesnt have to miss 2 whole days of school. I have offered to go into school for PE lesson and various other alternatives. But school are refusing to communicate with me in any way, shape or form.

I know this is shocking and unacceptable. I have ds's name down at another school. Ive given up on this school and im now just going through the motions to cover my own arse until SA process has finished and ds is out of there.

Should i just copy and paste previous letters?

Does anyone has anything useful they think i should add?

Claw,

Write to them requesting they give you a date when they will respond to the first letter, and then again, leaving just over a week in between them. Keep the notes short and polite, and if you like, put a couple of platitudes in:

just wondering when I am to expect a reply to this. Of course I appreciate you are very busy, and my original may have been misplaced. I attach a copy. Love you lots, Claw.

You need a data trail to show their behaviour. If they don't have the resources to deal with parents of SN children, then they can't meet their needs can they!?

I have a meeting on the 15th June with school. I really not bothered if they reply or not. Just covering my arse with attendance officer and wanted to show that i have made every attempt to communicate and this could have been avoided.

How does this sound.

Further to my telephone call to the school and my email of the 18th May. My letters of 20th May and 26th May 2010.

ds is not in school on the 8/9th June as I have explained previously he is refusing school on PE days. It is a shame that he is missing 2 whole days because of PE, but I have not received a response to my previous communications and I am not sure which course of action is acceptable to the school.

Yep sounds fine to me!

Oh and im loving your dont have the resources to deal with parents of SN children and i will certainly being hitting SENCO with that when she claims that i 'harass' her when ive contacted her with regard to IEP, self injurious behaviour and now school refusal. Thanks.

I think you do right to bat it back to the school and say he is refusing and could they offer some strategies/assistance given their undoubted experience in dealing with these sort of issues.

If EP is involved, could you mention it to her/him, just to further cover your back? Say you'd like some help because school don't seem to know what to do.

I sympathise as no one really understands what it is like trying to get a stressed child with ASD into school in the morning unless they've lived it! Having their needs understood is key.

You have my sympathy. My DS refuses to go to school occasionally and school just say calmly "Well get him here when you can." We do, often for period 2, or the afternoon if he is really bad (he is 15 and Secondary).
I would have thought it would make sense for them to take a similar approach.
Nothing else to add to advice already given, but you are right to be looking elsewhere.

Debs, school are insisting that ds must take part in PE if he is school. Just send him with his kit and leave it to us. When i asked what is the plan, he will just have to get changed and do PE. That was the message passed on to receptionist from SENCO. Oh yes, that should sort it

I have emailed EP and Attendance Officer copies of the letters i have sent. I asked EP to help the school, her reply was "thank you for the information". Attendance Officer reply has been a simply "thank you"!

I asked CAMHS whether they can help and her response was to send him in his pj's if he was refusing. Yeah, lets humiliate him, that will help the school refusal (mind you i have since spoken to ds's actual therapist who sees him every week and that wasnt her advice, she is backing my request to change schools)

Its madness, attendance officer was quick enough to jump on my back about why ds wasnt in school, mind you he has backed off totally since and i havent heard from him. No one wants to get involved with disputes involving school.

Perhaps i should force him to do PE, so they can see the typical sn behaviour they feel he doesnt display, as he is now at the point where he wouldnt passively just do as he was told. But i dont see why i should, he trusts me and its about time someone listened to him. He has made his stand and i need to make mine.

Makes me so mad, that school are allowed to get away this.

Imahappy, ds has made it quite clear to me what he finds difficult and its all related to his disability, rather than just not wanting to go iyswim and its written in his IEP that he is slow to get changed and gets flustered.

He puts his clothes on inside out, back to front, shoes on the wrong feet, he hides his PE kit, he claims he doesnt have it, he puts on other peoples clothes. He says some of the exercises make him feel sick. He has been sent home for being physically sick on PE days and pulling out his eyelashes.

I have made suggestions to school, ASD Outreach had made recommendations. School are adamant that he doesnt have ANY difficulties with PE and are refusing to put any help in place whatsoever!

SENCO reported to attendance officer, that they do see the same difficulties as me and that i harass SENCO. By 'harass' she means ask for help to be put in place

Still its all just a waiting game now.

Claw, I understand and I wasn't suggesting that school had strategies but by putting a request for strategies in writing you are covering your own back.

Sorry Debs my sarcasm 'oh yes, that should sort it and was aimed at school actions, not you. Apologies if thats how it come across.

My frustration is obviously apparent in my typing! but not with you, with school.

Woo hoo SENCO just phoned me (i sent another copy of my letter to school today) to ask why ds had not been school and to stress to me again that ds has absolutely no difficulties with PE.

I asked what would they would class pulling out his eyelashes as and having to be sent home. This was an isolated incident and she could understand it, if it happened all the time.

So i asked what about the self-injuries behaviour he displays from November to February and ended up in hospital with in December. This was MY FAULT for taking him out school in December for bibic assessment as he did it then.

I pointed out that he had been doing it since November as SALT report commented upon it during her assessment in school and i have pictures from November.

She told me he had done it while with me at Bibic. I told her he ended up in Hospital when i returned from bibic and it continued until Feb, i have a letter from my GP confirming this.

She concluded that she thinks it is terrible that ds is missing two whole days of school and that school.

I had to end the call and tell her i will discuss it during the meeting on 15th June, when i have witnesses, as my blood had started to boil,i really wanted to punch her.

Can someone please tell me how do i deal with this.

Ds struggles to get changed for PE and is the last one to get changed because of his hyper-mobility and/or sensory dysfunction. Paed has dxed hypermobility in his report. They have had OT input for sensory difficulties, but reported no problems. SALT and Bibic have highlighted severe sequencing difficulties.

Some exercises make him feel sick because of his sensory dysfunction and/or anxiety. OT stated in writing prior to ds starting school, movement can make him feel sick. CAMHS have written in a report that he is anxious.

He worries that no one will choose him to be their partner and he will have to be partners with the teacher again. Social worries confirmed by CAMHS, SALT

He worries that he doesn?t know what will be happening in PE. Again sequencing difficulties etc.

Ds claims he feels sick on PE days, has been physical sick and pulled out his eyelashes. Now refusing school.

How do i get this across to school, i have tried in writing and verbally.

I have a meeting with them on the 15th, how do i turn this around?

How do i stop it from turning into yet another disagreement about what his needs actually are?

Im at my wits end.

Oh and SENCO told me PE is ds's favourite lesson and he really enjoys it. This is all for my benefit to get out of going to school.

How do i deal with?

I now understand how SENCO has convinced professionals. How do i put a stop to this.

She also accused me of not sending ds to school today, as EP was due to go in (i had already written to EP stating appointment needed to be rearranged as ds had been refusing school on PE days and to SENCO)

and that EP was going to see this so called anxiety that i refer to and to confirm who was right.

This is all so wrong, i dont know where to start.

How about suggesting Senco takes him to pe? She can then see what the issues are first-hand!

Write all the points made in the phone call that you have noted here.
Then write a letter of complaint to the Head Teacher with a copy to the chair of Governors.

I'd also request the chair of Governors responsible for SEN to be at the meeting on the 15th June.

claw3,I have been watching your posts and "difficulties",(slight understatement),with school and LA. Last week, I thought the LA had agreed to statement your ds? This has clearly not improved relations and tensions which is a shame.
Believe me, we have been in your shoes, and it is like being on a carousel ride that never ends.(hopefully ours is now nearly finished!)
I think, that you are going to get no joy from the school, and as for the SENCO-for real-"dont contact me by e-mail or phone"!!!
You need to go higher than school/LA now. Write a letter of complaint to the Head of Educational Services for your area and cc it to your local MP, the Inspectorate for schools in your area and your ds school, SENCO and school Governors. Make sure, you say, that you have documented evidence to confirm all your points should anyone wish to see them.
Your next point of call, is an child education law centre. We used one, and they really know their stuff, as this is all they do-education law. They go to tribunals,placing requests, know SEN law, good practise etc.
If your ds is leaving this school, good, but if he has to return in Sept. you need help to get things turned in your favour.
Put in your letter your ds being left in soiled trousers-the school and Head of Service, will not like this info being "shared" with your MP etc.(tough).
Also, really think hard about taking someone with you to the meeting on the 15th. Do NOT go alone. Always take someone along for moral support and so you have an independant witness,(they could also take notes for you).
Stay calm at meeting, and do not be brow-beaten. State you do not appreciate being called a liar and you are the expert in your ds and his best interests at heart.
If PE is discussed at meeting, say you are refusin permission for your ds to take part in PE at present, given his fragile state. However, you would consider him sitting watching his classmates. In July, if your ds is feeling stronger, you would consider PE if he had support, and absolute assurance, that your ds would have help to change and get dressed after.(If he needs extra time, the assist. and ds could finish 5 mins early). Dont agree to anything you are not comfortable with, and ask for any outcomes to be put in writing.
I wouldnt communicate with school anymore un til the 15th-they know your ds wont be in for PE. Likewise the EWO and SENCO.-if they ring you, state you have passed on your concerns to Head of Service, and the matter is being dealt with.
Let us know how the meeting goes-good luck.

Fighting, ds is not a fighter, he is a runner!

ds doesnt show distress/anxiety in the usual ways, he doesnt scream, shout or protest. He quietly self injuries or gets himself into a state quietly until he feels sick or is physical sick or tries to avoid by running away and hiding or will just stop and refuse to talk at all. He hates to be the centre of attention or have all eyes on him. I wish he would scream and shout so others can clearly see he is distressed. I

I have been working on it with CAMHS advice since January about it is ok to speak up when you dont like something and say you feel scared, sick or whatever. Hey presto he has started to speak up, at home, not at school. He is too scared to speak up in school, which is why i need to listen to him now, he has done what i have been asking of him really.

If SENCO took him to PE, he would be feeling sick, but wouldnt tell her. He would try to avoid it, when pushed he would just stand still and refuse to move or talk. Get told off and be made to comply. He would then start wiping his face every couple minutes and pulling at/out his eyelashes.

All the signs are there for school to recognise, but they are looking for a screaming, shouting kid as these are the only signs they recognise!

Wassup, thanks i have just written a letter to school and elaborated on the points i wrote here, luckily i typing just after it happened and could remember, i was seeing red! and copied in Governors and EP.

SEN Governor is attending the meeting and so are PP. I might even drag DP along too.

Bigpants, LA have agreed to statutory assessment.

Thats exactly how im feeling, like im going in never ending circles. Each report or assessment which backs up the points i have been raising with school, i think they must see it now, but it never happened.

I also had a DLA tribunal case, which i have now dropped so i can focus on school and SA. Its so frustrating i shouldnt be having to prove myself to school, then to the professionals who speak to school. I feel like i am on constant trial and constantly being accused of being a liar and worse.

I havent lost my temper with school and i am always polite and calm, but inside when im speaking to her and she is basically calling me a liar, i am fuming! I am usually the most placid person and can switch off, but this is really starting to get me.

I was hoping to avoid more complaint writing, i have done nothing but, so i could focus on the SA and getting ds out of there.

PP is coming to the meeting on the 15th and she appears to be very much on side, school are so unbelievable bad, that many people including professionals find my story exactly that, unbelievable and unless they are prepared to sit there and read through all the correspondence and reports, i am not going to change their minds. PP has listened to me and seen my evidence and she believes me.

I will wait to the meeting on the 15th and see whether PP can persuade school to put some help in place, just until July. If not i will start complaining to the people you suggested. Thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my ongoing boring as hell saga, its much appreciated

I have written to SENCO as i couldnt believe what she was saying and she needed to be set straight about a few things.

I was (although i didnt show it in my letter, it was polite and to the point)that she was even daring to suggest that i caused ds anxiety by taking him out of school to an assessment and that he only injuried himself while with me at the assessment. When it has been written in specialist reports that they have observed ds doing this in school since November. My GP has confirmed it in writing when ds has been sent home school for causing himself injury and i have pictures of blood stained school shirts etc sorry im ranting now!

Understand completly re not wanting to write yet more complaint letters-when you start thinking about what you are writing, you feel like a woman possessed!
Its just that, if you wrote to the people i suggested-or send in e-mail form to everyone, BEFORE the meeting on the 15th, you may find it helps you being taken more seriously-the school and the LA would know, that "outside" parties know, and cannot so easily deny any problem with ds or the lack of support for him. You may find it gives you some bargaining power.
I dont know anything re Parent Partnership,(is that PP?), but others on this site, suggest not using them, as they are not as impartial as they seem to be-they are linked to LA? If this is the case, just be a little wary that she doesnt ambush you at the meeting.
If its any comfort, our ED PSYCH. was so outrageous, we refused to have him work with us, and my dh is soooo angry, he wishes violence upon him!!!(disclaimer-he wont actually do it, but sometimes, you are pushed to your limit by the system and incompetant idiots.)

Bigpants, exactly it appears that school are already trying to convince everyone i am bonkers and once i start writing if im not careful, i will add to their case!

I wrote to SEN Governor stating I dont wish at this stage to make an official complaint about school as relations are already very strained and i feel this result in communication breaking down totally. I have chosen instead to request a Statutory Assessment from Local Authority and they have agreed to assess as i felt this would be a more constructive way to deal with the problems i am experiencing with school (assessment was agreed without the backing of school).

I have found that school have previously been obstructive when outside agencies attend and give them inaccurate information and claim that ds is not experiencing any difficulties. They are also seeking and requesting personal information from professionals involved in ds's care without my permission, which i feel is over stepping the mark.

If this does not change after the meeting on the 15th June and school continue to refuse to acknowledge ds's needs or my comments, i will then be proceeding with a formal complaint to the Governors, Head of Educational Services, my local MP and the Inspectorate for schools.

Do you think that will do?

Yep PP is parent partnership, the bum chum of the LA, employed by the LA, but school are so bad she is encouraging a statement. I do have to be careful with what i say though obviously.

After the conversation with SENCO today i cant wait for PP to witness it. She comes out with little gems, she was asking me "well what do you want me to do" and "what help do you want me to put into place"

I have written "You have rejected my suggestions, failed to other alternatives, but then asked me again what help I suggest you put in place as you feel just having adults present is enough help. Perhaps we need to seek expert advise?"

A session with SENCO is a guaranteed Statement

I know the feeling its enough to make your eyes bleed!

Claw - sorry for all the probs you are having. I just cannot believe how badly the school are treating you and ds! When he has gone to another school I would write to Ofsted complaining about how children with SN are treated there. I reported my sons previous school after their total failure to understand and meet his needs resulted in him being traumatised and requiring counselling to try to get over it. They also put everything down to bad parenting and at one point even wanted to put protocol in place so they could restrain him!! Your comment"They are also seeking and requesting personal information from professionals involved in ds's care without my permission, which I feel is over stepping the mark" rings bells with me too. We were invited in for a 'chat' to see how ds was getting on and walked into room to find 12 people there including the woman who ran the after-school club he attended!
They were awful but nothing like the lot you're having to deal with. Hope assessment results in ds getting the support he needs.

Thanks fighting, talking about it on here with people who understand, when i feel very misunderstood is very helpful, keeps me sane and gives me the strength to carry on, without mn im sure i would have given up by now.

The lady from the after school club, blimey thats bad, im sure the caretaker will be at my next meeting mind you, they dont do a bad job already, my meetings usually consist of 7 onto 1. SENCO, Head Teacher, 2 class room TA's, ds's Learning Mentor (who he doesnt even know, he has been to see her about once in October 2009) class teacher this year, class teacher from last year and the lollipop lady and ice cream man from outside school!!

Then they all sit there stating that ds is deliriously happy in school and he skips around school, with little birds and love hearts floating about his head and has no difficulties. None of them having read a report, as SENCO gets them and keeps them in her room and doesnt share any of the information containing in them and probably only a couple of them have had one day special needs training, so they are all obviously experts.

When we had a so called multi- disciplinary meeting, ASD Outreach attended (they had never meet ds) and SALT. They both just sat there for an hour, not saying a word (because they are there to offer strategies, not get involved with disputes) and at the end ASD Outreach and SALT made a couple of suggestions, which the Head Teacher said couldnt be done. School agreed to a social story for PE which ds could read by himself if he felt he needed to. So a social story that he has to ask an adult for (he has a communication card to ask for help, which he has never used, but he is now expected to ask) and sit and read by himself which school havent even bothered to put in place!

I might as well start preparing my complaint now! I have told the LA that i want ds out of that school now, im hoping that after PP witnesses on the 15th she will agree.