School refusing to communicate with me

[claw3]

Ds has been refusing school on PE days (2 days a week) since 18th May. I have phoned SENCO, she is refusing to speak to me or return my calls. I have sent her an email and she replied telling me not to contact her via email.

I am just about to write my 3rd letter informing school of why ds is not in school (to cover my own arse as school have reported me to the attendance officer)

I have offered to pick ds up before PE and drop him back after, so he doesnt have to miss 2 whole days of school. I have offered to go into school for PE lesson and various other alternatives. But school are refusing to communicate with me in any way, shape or form.

I know this is shocking and unacceptable. I have ds's name down at another school. Ive given up on this school and im now just going through the motions to cover my own arse until SA process has finished and ds is out of there.

Should i just copy and paste previous letters?

Does anyone has anything useful they think i should add?

Claw You know what, I read your stories and occassionally thinkg 'she can't be serious, this surely is ridiculous, perhaps she really IS crazy and the school are right'

and then I remember my own battles and realise that actually yes, as frightening as it sounds what you describe IS real. It does happen. It has happpened (although very different details) to me.

I too, have been so GRATEFUL for this board as they don't say 'oh ffs not you again and your dramatisation of events', they believe me and they say 'poor you, you're really getting a battering aren't you?'

They express shock, but is is shock in sympathy, not shock in disbelief.

And that is why I truly wonder when RL teacher say 'hmm wierd, that sounds like a bit of a silly school, LA etc. it isn't normally like that', do they actually truly KNOW what their own school is like, or do they dress it up for themselves.

"I too, have been so GRATEFUL for this board as they don't say 'oh ffs not you again and your dramatisation of events', they believe me and they say 'poor you, you're really getting a battering aren't you?'"

AGree. And you know what gets to me about that statement? the fact that so many people do just believe.

Because they have all been there, and understand exactly how crap the system can be.

I sometimes wonder if we on the SN board are all involved in some bizarre enactment of the Wizard of Oz - we are all behind the curtain with the Wizard, and know thetruth and realities of the situation,and the rest of the (NT) world are blissfully unaware, carryign on their happy lives in Oz.

Star that is exactly what professionals think. Its a constant uphill battle to prove what i am saying is true. And the more bizarre it gets, the less i am believed.

Ds had his appointment with CAMHS yesterday and while he was in with his therapist, i went into a different room with a different therapist to explain about school (ds's therapist has no contact with the school, and she assesses him every week and agreed to back my request to change school)

The therapist who i saw sat there pulling frowning this cant be true faces (she has had contact with school), when i explained the bizarre conversation i had with SENCO. She now wants to attend the meeting on 15th and its 'lets wait and see how it goes before changing school')

The problem is unless professionals are prepared to look at all the correspondence between myself and school (well not school, school dont respond) and the evidence, which they are not, because they dont get involved in school disputes, it boils down to who they believe. School would obviously have a more objective opinion of a child, than a parent

The school get professionals to come and observe ds, give them inaccurate info, such as he injuried himself while with mum and mum created the anxiety and he has no difficulties in school. Professionals then dont bother assessing and write glowing reports about school.

So i say ds has x y z difficulty, which is backed up x specialist who did assess ds. School say he doesnt have that difficulty in school, so he only displays this behaviour at home. Therefore its a home problem and mum needs help because of her bad parenting.

Then when i start referring to x report and this letter and that letter, i look desperate and as if im the one trying to frantically prove a point!

Then the desperately wanting to change schools, looks like 'ive been found out and want to get out of here'

Just a word on Parent Partnership. I know a lot of people think they are in the LA pocket, but this is not necessarily so.
When I was teaching we had one person from the Parent Partnership who had clearly had very bad experiences herself and there was nothing she liked more than to put a school in its place. Although she was meant to be "impartial" she definitely was not. Hope you get one like that claw.

I agree imahappycamper. The woman I've been dealing with at PP is well aware of what schools get up to and although, she can't do much if a school is lying to a parent, she is clearly prepared to believe that this can and does go on - ALOT!

Claw, I went on a PP Information session yesterday and every parent in the room had tales of being lied to by schools including everything mysteriously being 'ok' when professionals like the EP came to visit! PP added their own I might say!

Thanks imahappy and Debs, the PP does seem very much on side and cant believe (in a good way) what school are doing.

Ive just received OT feeding clinic report and need to address things in it.

School are basically reporting that ds does not experience any of these difficulties in school. Although the report is good in as much as she does say that ds has sensory difficulties.

OT has reached the conclusion that although he experiences these difficulties, he is able to conform in school.

So basically he is conforming in school and not home, so i need the help.

Just what i need, with a SA approaching!

Ds is very much a conformist at home too, he tries desperately to please adults, the only difference between home and school, is that i have strategies in place to help him conform. School just make him conform, without strategies and this is what is causing the self injury and school refusal.

I obviously havent got my point across to OT, how the hell do i do it?

I can see SS becoming involved if school are believed for too much longer.

(if i disappear, its because kitchen fitters have turned elec off, ive really appreciate your input on this)

How am i going to turn this around?

'I sometimes wonder if we on the SN board are all involved in some bizarre enactment of the Wizard of Oz - we are all behind the curtain with the Wizard, and know the truth and realities of the situation,and the rest of the (NT) world are blissfully unaware, carryign on their happy lives in Oz'

LMAO- how great a description is that?

Just really wanted to post support; my good friend (more details on TTR if you use it) is afacing a court appearance for her AS son not attending school with similar reasons to your child so am seeing how truly stupid it all gets.

claw You'll turn it around because if you don't no one else will. And that's all there is to it. From what you say, you aren't entirely without help and support, it is just that the support isn't active enough on your behalf.

This isn't a recommendation, because it is a bit drastic, but there is an option of refering ds to Child Protection for emotional abuse, or to SENDIST for disability discrimination. IF you do have the evidence, THEY at least will look at it.

Claw, also remember that the LA has granted you a SA. This is not something done lightly or to placate parents. It is something YOU have achieved for your son because you persuaded the LA that you were likely to achieve this if you went Tribunal.

Don't lose sight of that. There MUST be evidence or you wouldn't have got this.

Thanks Star, i have evidence coming out of my ear holes, what im lacking is someone who is provided to actually read it. The Local Authority have obviously read through and thats why they have agreed to assess without a dx and without school backing.

The therapist who i saw yesterday at CAMHS, hadnt even read reports and was surprised when i quoted from them, as she hadnt realised i had a report from SALT stating "during assessment ds appeared very agitated and moved around a lot" and "engaged in some repetitive behaviour eg wiping his chin every few minutes, eye twitching and rocking"

Yet i reported the self injury (the wiping of his chin doesnt stop even when it is bleeding and he ends up with large open sores and friction blisters on his hand from wiping, which he continues to wipe/pick at) and his inability to sit still. (this behaviour isnt constant, it comes and goes, depending on stress i suppose. His last bout, was continuous from November - March and he got into quite a state)

Class teacher report states "he needs frequent help in the class room to maintain focus"

But SENCO says ds has no difficulties and is able to conform, therefore its a home problem and she is believed, despite me providing copies of everything to everyone.

When i mention this to professionals i get "oh children often display different behaviour at home and school"

What different fucking behaviour its exactly the same, why i am the only person who can see this.

Oh yes, - always always always remember what you have achieved. Just because it isn't yet what you're child is legally entitled to, doesn't mean your achievements aren't significant.

Going through my tribunal docs (137 of them to be precise) I am astounded at the things I took on and won, and the evidence produced. I'd completely forgotten the half of it.

prepared to read it not provided, my brain is mush at the moment!

Oops sorry Debs, starting to compose my message and got side tracked and ended up cross posting with your message saying the same thing!

Star im just about to write to OT and CAMHS, im not happy with this constant he can conform in school, but not home scenario.

OT even states that school is an environment where ds will conform and therefore he is more likely to attempt new foods or more food in this environment and a trial of a hot school dinner has been agreed as a once of trial"

Ds didnt eat or drink for the first 6 months and has now progressed to a quarter of choc spread sandwich, which OT observed, she observed him eating the sandwich and leaving the crisps and grapes i had put in. He eats a whole sandwich at home, crisps and grapes for his lunch. I will be writing to OT, to point this out and stating that i dont see the point of a once of school dinner, other than to prove a point. Especially as she goes on to say in the report desensitization to foods can take a long time!

They want to give ds a school dinner pfft, he wont even hold the tray, let them try and see just how distressed he gets. I will say im happy for this to go ahead, as long as OT is there to observe it. Thats not a plan of action for a long term eating difficult, its a fucking 'lets see if mum is telling the truth' and i have to let ds get extremely distressed just to prove a point before i am believed. Its disgusting.

Am i going mad or is this all wrong?

Say you want it videoed too, for tribunal purposes! That'll change their minds.

I hope they put mash on his plate too and they will see the full phobia effect, he wont even hold the plate, let alone eat it.

I also note that ds going upstairs to put sock on his hands, when OT asked him to touch shaving foam on the home visit has been missed from the report. Ds not being able to find small objects by feel when they were placed in an envelope and he couldnt see them. Also ds reporting to OT that i put a tiny piece of sausage of his plate, along with his choc spread sandwich at dinner time and that he couldnt eat it because it was 'disgusting'. She then asked him why didnt he just his sandwich he said 'because of the sausage'.

I will add video to my letter too Star, thanks.

I wont even bother preparing ds for the school dinner day. School are the experts so i will assume seen as he doesnt have any difficulties and they are experts, he wont need to be prepared for the change. School report my preparing ds for change as me 'mollycoddling' him as its not necessary.

When ds goes to get his lunchbox and its not there and he is then told to line up to get a school dinner, that should go down well with ds. I cant even send dp to pick ds up from school, without him getting upset.

I have to be cruel to my own child, to prove a bloody point. Im not feeling comfortable with this at all. Still i suppose in the long run, its better than being accused of all kinds of crap and having no ds at all

Im gobsmacked that school are allowed to do this, let alone have the support of professionals.

After this trial ds will be distressed for weeks and will never trust me again.

Wankers.

[claw] my ds is a school refuser also - it's a nightmare but luckily his current school are good (so far). Was worried by SanctiMoanyArse's post though about parents of AS child being taken to court for school refusal. How has that come about? Very scary.

Did you see my post yesterday though about the LA reprimanded by the Court for contesting a decision that they were wrong to pursue the family of a boy diagnosed with 'school phobia'? Very interesting.

Please don't be cruel to your child to prove a point. The school sounds awful and I would give up with them tbh. Keep him at home until you get your new school sorted. (If you can).

I think I read about that debs - did it go to the ombudsman?

Agree with fab.

God, this is so difficult. I am just writing the letter to OT. OT has only observed ds, she hasnt carried out a comprehensive needs assessment.

I was going to ask for one, but i know that school have already reported to CAMHS and no doubt to OT that i am always requesting assessments, as i want to find something wrong with ds and this is what is making ds feel 'different' (not the fact he has ASD)

Should i request one or provide the facts in my letter to OT and hope that they suggest one?

Corn, i should imagine the minute school dont agree with your decision to keep your child off of school and report you to the attendance officer, you will be having prove yourself or else you will end up in court.

Debs, no i didnt, where is it?

Fab, by taking ds out of school at the moment, i am playing right into their hands. They are managing to convince professionals that i am the cause of ds's anxieties. I am battling very hard to prove that this isnt the case. The saying you have to cruel to be kind, springs to mind. I fear if i dont 'prove' that i am telling the truth, by giving them a very good example, this is going to spiral way out of control.

Claw, instead of making your ds go through with the school lunch, could you set up a meeting between you,senco, class teacher, whoever really, with your ds present.

Then let them suggest the school lunch to him and see the reaction, assuming that he would get visibly worried at the thought?
That way you don't have to ne the baddie - they can be the ones to upset him, and you can be the one to calm him down, and tell him you won't let it happen. You get to retain the trust between you and ds.