School refusing to communicate with me

[claw3]

Ds has been refusing school on PE days (2 days a week) since 18th May. I have phoned SENCO, she is refusing to speak to me or return my calls. I have sent her an email and she replied telling me not to contact her via email.

I am just about to write my 3rd letter informing school of why ds is not in school (to cover my own arse as school have reported me to the attendance officer)

I have offered to pick ds up before PE and drop him back after, so he doesnt have to miss 2 whole days of school. I have offered to go into school for PE lesson and various other alternatives. But school are refusing to communicate with me in any way, shape or form.

I know this is shocking and unacceptable. I have ds's name down at another school. Ive given up on this school and im now just going through the motions to cover my own arse until SA process has finished and ds is out of there.

Should i just copy and paste previous letters?

Does anyone has anything useful they think i should add?

This is so rubbish. It was HV who referred ds to Dietitian, Paed and SALT after concerns at his 2 year developmental check about his tolerance of food, social communications difficulties, not me. It was HV who referred to ds to eye specialist about his eyes after 9 month check, not me.

It was Paed who referred ds to OT about his feeding difficulties, not me.What they hell do they expect me to do, say no i dont want these appointments

I have had 2 private assessments, EP and bibic and im being accussed of making ds feel 'different'.

I just want to take my family to live on a desert island. No doubt i will continue to fight and nothing will come of this. But why should i have to, it sucks!

I understand now claw.

This must be so hard for you .

I knew dd had a medical problem for 10 months but the GP dismissed me. It is so hard when you can't get the support you need.

Silver, no doubt school will say ds became anxious because i was there, as i am the cause of his anxieties.

I asked ds the other day about school dinners, kind of, is there anything that you think you would like to eat and he said no, they have chicken and peas and things, all the stuff i dont eat. I then said do you think that one day you might like to try a piece of chicken or a pea in school and he replied no, never. He then said he is not allowed to school dinners because they hurt your teeth,(he has never even put chicken or a pea in his mouth, so he wouldnt know if it hurt your teeth)

So obviously just an excuse, at home he refuses to eat a meal, because it has worms in it.

He is extremely worried about mash and cant stand to have anywhere near him in case it touches his skin.

Unfortunately my word is not good enough and it appears that everyone thinks i am making this up and causing my ds damage. They need to see this first hand, even if i do feel like the worse parent in the world and im sitting here in tears just thinking about it. Its better than the alternative.

School are telling OT that ds doesnt eat in school, because i only give him a quarter of choc spread sandwich. This wasnt always the case, since starting school he had always had a full packed lunch (what he would eat at home). All that he had ever managed to eat in school was a quarter of choc spread sandwich.

When he started the self injurious behaviour where he ended up in hospital, i obviously tried to get to the bottom of what he was worried about. One of the things he was getting anxious about was being made to sit at the side of the lunch hall, while the table and chairs were cleared away, because he hadnt finished his lunch. This was the first i had heard of this. So i phoned the NAS and asked for suggestions, they advised to only include what he was able to finish and gradually build up. So i did.

I then tried to add 2 grapes and ds reported that he was made to sit at the side again and begged me not to put the grapes in.

School are now denying all knowledge of ds ever being made to sit at the side and telling everyone he only eats a quarter of sandwich, because that is all i include in his lunch.

I cant win. They need to see it.

You will win - you just have to wade through some deep shite on the way.
Best wishes

Anyhow guys, thanks for listening, it has helped to pour my heart out on here.

I will see how the meeting goes on the 15th, i dont hold out much hope.

EP, CAMHS, SEN governor and PP will be coming and definitely DP even if he does just sit there as usually, not sure what to say. Dp doesnt have a clue about the SEN process and wont be much help, bless him, but he will not tolerate them calling me a liar, as he has experience ds first hand.

Thanks again.

This is the link
www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/7813478/Council-criticised-for-prosecution- over-boy-with-school-phobia.html

Claw, you are not going to get anywhere with this lying school. I would couch any criticism in pitying tone - 'it is so hard for teachers etc, they are not trained in ASD and just don't understand these issues. However, the problems are well documented and confirmed in the reports from experts x,y,z'.

To be frank, that is probably true. They really don't understand what you are talking about and so conclude you are talking nonsense/exaggerating. They are ignorant in the true sense of the word. I think that is why we all sympathise. We have all had experience of that.

Turn your face from them, to the professionals.

If you feel this is inappropriate for your child without appropriate support, say it, stick to it and set out your reasons.

If they are prepared to do some prep work with him with your cooperation and give him some strategies e.g. picking a day he likes the look of the menu, having an exit strategy of he doesn't like the food, supporting him with encouragement and reward - great. If not, this is unsupportive and potentially very upsetting.

I said to the EP the other day, rather than school saying 'he looks alright' or 'he seems alright' when I'm saying the opposite, why not ASK HIM if he is alright and take it from there.

They need to include your son in this strategy. It should not be something being done to him!!

These public bodies need to switch on the Children's Rights, they really do. It is something I feel very passionate about. Children need to be included in decision-making wherever possible, especially about overcoming THEIR personal anxieties FFS!

Thanks Wet, i mean i cant win, help ds and make him less anxious, but still get reported for adding to his anxieties and school being believed.

Hell with freeze over, before i give up my fight to get ds some help in school.

I just have to prove it is school adding to his anxieties by failing to put strategies in place to deal with his anxieties. While school sit there gloating over the rosy OT report, like reporting inaccurate info and telling them ds has no difficulties is something to be proud of.

I have evidence of the school reprimanding him when he struggles and evidence of just about everything they do. They will come unstuck. Its just bollocks that parents have to go through this and that professionals find it easier to agree with school, rather than read a report of look at evidence.

Although the LA have agreed to assess, how unbiased is that going to be if school have anything to do with it.

It maybe worth going to your GP as well claw and getting them to support you over the school failing to make resonable adjustments to meet your ds's needs resulting in enevitable school refusal.

Debs, OT has also written in her report, that ds is very controlling (nah you dont say, i never would have guessed!) and that he will try to control adults. Obviously implying that i am letting him control me (as per school report)

School report that ds when asked told them his favourite things about school, were PE and lunch. The things he stuggles with the most. Various reports highlight he has trouble understand what has been said and limited communication skills. Surely its not rocket science to work out he has not understood the question.

I have pointed out time and time again, that ds does conforms at home, but instead of forcing him to do things he finds difficult, i give him choices, but i control the choices. I use timers, visuals etc. He still has to do what i ask of him, but there are ways and means of doing these things.

CAMHS suggested that if ds is refusing school, that i take him in his pj's and let school deal with it. Like im a fucking idiot and school know how to deal with it.

He is refusing school, because school dont know how to deal with him FFS!

Im banging my head against a brick wall.

Wassup, my gp hasnt been involved in the process at all. All referrals were made via HV. My GP struggles with anything other than ears, nose and throat.

Although she would write whatever i wanted her to for £30, i dont think she would or could stand up to specialist evidence.

Its the professionals i need to get on side or if i cant do that at least put my objections to them in writing, so i have evidence.

If any of this professionals could be bothered to read reports and the correspondence i have sent to school and copies of what school have written in home/school book and even in the teachers report to the LA. They admitted (unwittingly of course) to reprimanded ds for his difficulties.

Written in his school/home chart for example he was sent to the head teacher for using his communication card that they had given him. They had written he was being untruthful when he got confused when questioned about what he was trying to report. They have tried to play this down, when i asked why he was sent to the Head teacher, instead of to his learning mentor when he showed the card as he is supposed to, they tried to fob me off with learning mentor wasnt available.

They have forgotten that i have the school/home chart and they dont and it is written on the back that he was sent to the head teacher for being untruthful and a sad face has been recorded on his chart for doing this.

Things i will be taking to the meeting with me.

You are banging your head against a brick wall with them Claw and there is no good that will come of it.

They don't know what they are talking about but they have put him on IEPs and asked for EP etc and they cannot hide behind 'mum told us to' because it makes them look crap.

Stick to this fact and the fact that a SA has been ordered. DS is also very controlling but that is in the nature of the beast as is a difference in presentation between contexts. School is not real life. So although they're lying, there's no reason why a difference in presentation depending on context should cause a problem with diagnosis.

I would just turn that round on them.

(a) They clearly lack knowledge/understanding of ASD - ask if there has been any training internally and mournfully shake your head

(b)They have put in place significant help and asked for EP advice and they would look blardy stupid if they suggest that was because there was nothing wrong. The most they can say is that they are managing what is wrong which is what you dispute

(c) The problems are significant enough for the LA, not known for their generosity, to grant a SA

(d) Focus on the stuff you have which supports you - BIBIC are experts and you have an expert SALT etc. Don't let these arguments divert your attention from your own case.

And finally, WTF is a SEN Governor doing at a dx meeting??? I mean seriously?? Are you sure this is a diagnostic meeting? That is bizarre beyond belief.

I just thought that the support of a family GP may help if the LEA get nasty about the school refusal.

Debs, sorry i must be all over the place and going from one thing to another, i have confused you, no wonder i cant convince anyone else

I have a meeting with school on the 15th of this month.

Dx meeting is on 23rd of this month.

You are right though, it is so easy to get caught up in all this who is right and who is wrong stuff, as this is how school view it. I started off with lets identify his needs and put strategies in place, but it is so easy to get dragged into it.

I will have to write myself a list of ds's needs as identified by professionals for the meeting on the 15th and focus on that.

Although it gets complicated if school have convinced people that ds's anxieties are caused by me and therefore he needs help at home and not school.

Claw, is it not worth holding the school meeting after the dx meeting? There might be more power to your elbow??

Deb, This meeting was supposed to have taken place months ago, this is the same meeting that the LA were supposed to attend to observe, but school cancelled at the last minutes, do you remember? Another was then arranged and PP cancelled. So i would look like i was being obstructive and had something to hide, if i cancelled, as school have already said that i cancelled 2nd meeting, although this is untrue and i have an email from PP confirming she cancelled, i cant be bothered to write to everyone to tell them this.

I read a really good quote of yours the other day Debs, but i cant remember it and would really like to use it will all this conforming business.

It was something about children who dont cause disruption, and whoses need are being met, by claiming they dont have a problem. Can you remember it?

Claw You need to shed some issues. This mountain is too big currently. Put a few on the back burner, particularly personal relationships, even though you might want to tear their eyes out.

Focus on 'factual evidence' only and do so as coldly and determinedly as you can. Write down the other things and put them in an evidence file to tackle later. You can't right ALL the wrongs and get your ds swiftly to help, you have to focus on the ones that matter.

Your current focus I would have thought is to get your ds the hell out of that school. The damage that is being done currently could take years to repair. The 'evidence' against them will still come, even when he is in a new placement, probably even faster.

Don't refuse to play into their hands if ultimately it is in the best interests of your ds.

Your poor poor ds. I'm not even his mother but I feel so terribly for the way he is being let down and the fear he must experience daily.

Thanks Star, i have started to come at it from a different angle after what Debs said.

I have got caught up with the right and wrongs and she says, he says, i shouldnt have. Its hard not to jump on the defensive.

Youre right, i have too much going on generally, my house is a building site at the moment, i have stopped my DLA tribunal that can wait, my thoughts are all over the place.

I will sit here and focus on facts. I need to respond to OT and Debs is right, ds is my son and its up to me what i allow them to do.

Getting ds out of there and forgetting what school say and focussing on professionals has now returned.

Yes poor ds, he is not understood in school and i am spending most of my time writing bloody letters.

Focus on what is important is well and truly needed.

Thanks Star.

Dunno Claw, was it if a teacher has no needs in relation to the child, the child has no needs? That has become a bit of a mantra for me as it seems that teachers ask for statements for children who disrupt lessons or fall behind significantly academically. Anyone else can go swing.

I also think you need to shed some of the crap too. To be frank, if it makes more sense to see school after the dx meeting when everyone knows what is going on, then that is a sensible and not an obstructive decison.

It's up to you but don't put yourself through unnecessary grief if you feel the later appointment might actually help you by making the issues clearer for the school.

claw3-just a few thoughts.
(1) photocopy all home-school cards/diaries/communication books. It is amazing how these things can be "misplaced" by the school close to meetings etc. We photocopied all home-school diaries and im so glad we did-they were absolute proof of all incidents in school and how many times we were called by school to take our ds home
Once, when a diary was complete, the school rang and asked if they could keep it as an example of "good practise". We had the diary at home, and I refused, as I had gut instinct that we would need it at some point
(2) If you think the school is accessing private info about your ds from the likes of CAMHS really consider e-mailing all parties involved with your ds and refuse permission for the sharing of info unless and until you give your permission in writing. This means, that you are in control of who knows what. We did this, and it was a relief and breathing space for us to consider our next step without having to swcond guess everyone else.
(3) Help your dp get up to speed with all assessments your ds has had and what his strenghts and difficulties are. Help him learn what school should under SEN be providing for your ds. It will be important at the meeting on the 15th and in the SA process that you are both "singing from the same page."
(4) There is a strong possibility that the professionals will have a meeting before your meeting and decide what they are going to say/do. I know I sound cynical, but this is common practise-like a previous poster saying how her and dh were invited to school for a "chat" to see how their ds was getting on. When they got there, they were greeted by a roomful of 12 people. (lets assume they all just didnt decide to pop into the school for a cup of coffee).
My own gut feeling from all that you have said, is that you really are banging your head against a brick wall. If you come away from the 15th no further forward or being made to feel again YOU are ds problem, consider taking ds out of school and write to LA and say placement has broken down irretrivably and to the detriment of your ds. Say ds will not go back and you wish him to start a new school in Sept.Noone can say you havent explored every avenue!.

Debs, no that wasnt it, i knew i should have scribbled it down when i had the chance!

The problem is, no one else views it as crap but me. I invited EP to this meeting (apparently she is like gold dust and wont usually attend a meeting, unless requested by school) I also invited CAMHS who are leaving another meeting early to get there. PP also cancelled other appointments after i asked her to attend.

and i dont want to piss off, the people who i invited in the first place and who appear to be a bit on my side.

Big pants.

1. I dont even have a home/school diary. I had one briefly in October/November2009, after i requested one. Well it wasnt a book, it was a weekly smiley face chart, where 'bad' comments would be written on the back and sad faces recorded for anything that ds struggled with. I ask that the smiley face chart stop and be replaced with just a liasion book, as this was adding to ds's anxieties. School are now reporting that i asked that the home/school liaison book cease as it was making ds anxious. Unfortunately this was done verbally and i didnt follow it up in writing. Luckily i made sure that i kept the charts, so i have them, school dont have a copy.

1. I know that school requested a report from CAMHS and they told them they could not disclose any info without first having my permission, its recorded on ds's school file. School wrote it down. OT told me that she had a message on her answerphone requesting a report and they told her their findings had to be discussed with me first. I know that school have phoned CAMHS for a 'chat' as therapist slipped up. Apparently i cant stop school from phoning and talking to whoever they want, i can only stop professionals from disclosing findings. On what they talk about verbally and dont record, i cant do anything about.

1. DP switches off after 5 minutes when i start talking about the SEN process. He feels he understands ds and thats all he needs to know. He just goes along with whatever i think we should do. Not very helpful i know. But hard to explain when he is not really listening!

1. You are right, if after the 15th it is as you say. I will take ds out of school. Ive had enough and im sure ds has had more than enough. Thats when i feel SS will become involved if school are believe. But you know what, let them, me and ds cant carry on like this anymore. I have evidence, let them take me to court or whatever they want to do, it couldnt get much worse than what it already is.

Thanks Bigpants

claw Was it this?

"This all comes doen to understanding ASD and being prepared to meet needs. If you don't understand it and the child doesn't make a fuss, there are no needs, no need for SA/SA+/statementing - end of."

From this thread There are a few more good bits on that subject in the thread - I saved it for that reason, am gathering useful bits to use with my DD's school who are puzzled by the whole dx as she seems fine to them. Hope you all don't mind be lurking on some of these threads to learn - hope things get better claw.