You can all call me an old cow but I'm fed up with SN board being used as resource for general advice

[Davros]

We seem to have had a spate of threads started by parents who have worries about their child's behaviour and development. Most of these don't seem to have looked through the SN archive (although I have told Tech it only goes up to D it certainly covers Autism, Aspgergers, ASD). I don't want to be totally horrid but I wonder if people could have a little sensitvity into our situations and check the archive or simply post in B&D where I think most of these threads would be more appropriate.
I wasn't going to say anything as I thought it was just a phase and would stop but then two more appeared.
OK, call me an old cow.

jimjams

I think FAQs could be a great new dimension of MN, suppose we should ask Carrie & Justine! For things that make sense obv, like some SN, allergies etc.
Jimjams & Fio

FAQ's Suggestions - Help with DLA forms?

I have been reading this with interest as when I first read it I thought OMG thats aimed at the likes of me , ie had a few questions re red flags for autism. Then I thought, well I am entitled to post whatever I like ,the resident experts dont own the board anymore than I do and its their choice to respond . I think that where autism is concerned people see a symptom in either someone elses post or a checklist somewhere and then a few days later see another symptom and put 2 and 2 together and get 5. Sometimes when people start getting concerned about autism , because they are not familiar with what constitutes a true red flag as opposed to some of the behaviours that sometimes go along with the condition, questions may seem trivial to the experts. For example the pointing stuff seems to be very significant , whereas something like flapping hands can be nothing to worry about if everything else is fine. Although Davros and others recommend that other posts be read first before posting , no one set of symptoms are the same and people just want an opinion from the very helpful experts who have a choice as to whether to respond or not. When reading one post some time ago about recognising early signs, many of the now experts said that they recognised few in the early days but they simply didnt know what to look for . Did they know at that stage about the difference in importance of the various red flags? I dont think its fair to say that people are insensitive to the feelings of people who are parents of SN children. From what I have read most people who post seem extremely grateful for the advice that they receive. I think that a lot of people who post, quoting minor symptoms of autism dont believe their child has it in a severe form but worry that some symptoms may indicate the presence of say High functioning autism and dont understand that even for this to be present , children have to have problems in the same areas but to a lesser extent (apart from speech in AS , I think) . This I learnt from reading some of the excellent posts on MN. I have always been amazed how mums of children with SN have the time and the enthusiasm to write so much and have been grateful for any advice I receive. I have posted on the B&D board as well and the same people sometimes seem to reply so not sure what difference it makes where you post.

Woooahh... I have only recently joined this site, and have been reading a great deal more than posting so far...

What we all have in common, is the need for acceptance, tolerance and understanding for our kids, no matter what their difficulties or quirks may be. I would have hoped that this would have extended to ANYBODY who chose to post on this site.

I can remember only too well the fear, fright, and uncertainty when I first realised there was something 'different' about my child. I think I bored my family and friends silly, and would spend hours on the internet trawling different sites trying to find out 'what was wrong'... I eventually found a site where I made an exceptionally good friend, who helped me immensely and who I still see and value today. Not everyone is as lucky as me.

There are people out there who are desperate for answers, desperate for help, maybe they have no support at home, or anywhere else for that matter. And it is out of this sheer desperation that these people have chosen to post and blurt out all thir unanswered questions, maybe after only reading a few posts thinking 'these people understand!!!', something they might never have found before.

I think that we all need to remember what it was like in the beginning when WE were feeling like that. We have all gained our knowledge and experience through living our lives with our kids, these people may only have just begun the bloody hard struggle that is ahead.

As I said before, rather than feeling like these people are 'wasting time asking questions that have been answered before' or 'not bothered to read previous posts', maybe we should offer them the tolerance and understanding that we want for our kids, cos after all, we've all been there.....

Theres also something called 'freedom of choice', whether this be freedom to post on a website, or freedom to answer the persons questions......

Well said Yorkee. I have hesitated posting on this thread simply because I didnt want to rock the boat....you have now saved me from voicing my opinions as I will echo exactly what you say.

Personally I found some of the comments made on this thread to be extremely ignorant and the thought that the SN section of MN should be made members only really annoyed me......I thought we all wanted the same thing...for our children to be socailly accepted in todays society....why should we close the door to the outside world? By doing so we are excluding ourselves...and isnt it supposed to be about inclusion???

IMO every user of MN has the right to post away and ask for advice....its your choice as to whether you respond.

By pooling our knowledge the SN section is becoming a good source of information to many people and it would be a shame if this became a seperate entity.

J's home tuition teacher even had a good read of the SN section last night.....she said it really helped her understand what SN parents go through to ensure their children get all they deserve.

How could she have done this if she hadnt been able to gain access to the SN board???

missed the bit about sn being members only, where is it?

I said it

I dont think its ignorant at all

i don't want to be a member of any club that lets fio in

I just dont like the idea that is somehow a showcase for other members to read tbh and for them to feel better that their knowledge of special needs has got better because they have read our 'suffering' on this board. I am being really flippant, but I have felt like this for a long time. I am not ashamed to say that it makes me feel uncomfortable that I have wrote things which i know are judged by other people. I know people think in real life "poor fio" and it really gets on my nerves. I dont think i am expressing myself very well. But when i used to post on this board i wanted to talk to others in the same situation, not people who have no understanding whatsoever. i really have hesitated in posting anything about my daughter for a long time as I have felt the site has got too big and and feel on 'show'

But that just me, sorry if it offends anyone, but I wanted to my POV accross

lou

Well posting from my pov only......but.....

My problem is that I find firstly I am often asked for by name. I would then feel ignorant not replying. To use beety's earlier baby rice example- anyone can answer the where to buy babyrice questions, but if every request started "beety where should I buy babyrice"....... surely she would get fed up.

Now this (as dh has pointed out to me again and again) is entirely a problem of my own making. But how to correct it?

The other problem with ignoring threads is that if someone posts "my ds1 age 3 isn't talking should I be concerned" then they get a 1000 answers along the bloody Einstein didn't talk until he was 5 line, and because I remember what is was like being given the brush off I feel I have to reply. a search/faq may stop that sort of thing I guess.

of course the problem I have is suddenly I have a young baby and new jobs (from home) on top of all the other stuff and I haven't now got the time to spend on here that I once had.

To come to fio's rescue I can understand the wish for a member only section as well (not thatr I think this should be members only). from her previous post I would guess she'd just had a bad time at the hands of someone not very understanding. Also tbh where I am at the moment there's no chance of ds1 being socially acceptable- he doesn't want to be- we can't go out very easily not because of everyone else but because of him. I can ignore stares but I can't ignore him refusing to get out of acar, go on a beach, stay in a playground etc (blimey I do need rdi don't i?)

I am pleased that so many mother's of NT children realised what Davros was trying to say. It's not about banning people - it's just about saying we haven't got time to dish out all the answers.

Dh's answer of course is just to leave mumsnet-and I can see his point (and it would stop me getting a mouthful from him when he finds me answering stuff) butr of course he doesn't know how addictive it is. Not exactly a flounce just a crawl away to hide somewhere maybe?

BTW Jayzmum- have you phoned my friend? She's keen to talk to you (and she's much nicer than me ) You didn't give me your number so I haven't passed anything onto her other than your first naame....

actually I agree fio- and that's what I meant earlier when I said it feels strange to be saying "there there don't worry your child is nothing like my weirdo- thank god hey" when actually at the end of the day he's just my baby.

I know I hate it when people are so relieved, oh she walked, oh she talked etc, makes me sound like a right bitch but I have had no relief. i actually feel quite depressed that all i ever done is care for people. My whole life has never been normal, its just getting on my nerves and I am taking it out on everyone else. i am sorry, i will just go and wreck my spleen instead!

bet you love it when people mention "me time" Actually I'm not cut out to be a carer either. I'm dreaming of my balcony overlooking the sea and a g and t again!

This whole thread has seriously affected the way I will post on SN again
If infact I do.
It seems (or at times is coming across)like you have to be really badly affected with something or other to qualify as a serious SN poster.
Whilst I have total sympathy and understanding for those whose lives are turned upside down with issues that may never be resolved, to think that because my child is doing well I cannot applaud on the board quite frankly sucks. We all have different needs and I would have thought of all places the SN board would embrace this.
I know it's probably got blown out of proportion from what Davros initially articulated, but it makes pretty unpleasant reading in places.

who said you cant applaud on the board piffle?

I feel very sad reading this post . I have a 2 year old son who is not yet talking yet and have taken great comfort from these boards, from people who have helped and know more about SN than I do. My HV has talked speech therapy which I think is therefore a special need of my child, but I no longer feel welcome on this board and shall no longer be posting my very real worries.

Many of the children on the B&D board are way more advanced than my child and I feel even more worried when I read about all the great things children are doing on that board.

I have never intended to undermine anyone's children on this board just because my child does in fact point, for example, (all children are lovely and a blessing) but now I am stuck in no-man's land as my child obviously has a delay (SN, I believe), but is not, for example, autistic. There do not seem to be many people on the B&D board with the experience that the posters on this board have. It seems however that there is a very clear definition in some of your minds as to what Special Needs actually means and it seems that my child's problems are not within that definition. I apologise if I have caused offence by my posts and questions (under another name). I really will not post on this board any more

Oh God, this has all got out of control. The SN board is BY NO MEANS AN ASD BOARD!
Verysad, PLEASE POST YOUR WORRIES ON SN!
Davros?!
I think we need to call this to a close. Organise FAQs so people can read up on stuff and return to our supportive SN status.
Think it has all got out of control. IMO, Davros was only letting off steam...

oh FFS, wasn't going to get involved but this is getting out of hand.
This has been always been an incredibly supportive fantastic part of mumsnet and i think people just need to calm the down.
If you don't want to answer people posts on worries about their kids then don't, if you don't want to talk about your kids cos you think that others think 'oh great mine's not as bad as yours' then don't read the posts and don't post about your kids.
This is getting stupid now and has really pissed me off. Can we stop now, please.
Special needs section has always been great and this whole thread is leaving me with a nasty taste in my mouth.

Graet minds JakB.

we are ALL entitled to our own opinion. Tbh even though we all have kids special needs it doesnt mean we have the same opinion as one another. i think that becomes quite obvious anyway after posting for a while. Sorry if i have offended people, i have just said what i have wanted to say in a long time, thats all.

JakB and Thomcat

IMHO I agree with you both

Well said

Let us get back to how it was before supporting everyone

I dont know whether this would help anyone but we all have a different perception of 'special needs' and I think that you dont have to post on any thread you dont want to.
I also think that it should be called Additional needs to widen the spectrum for mums who might want advice
PS do not mean to offend anyone and am very sorry if anyone feels that I have
I hope that everyone will be able toleave this thread in a happy way XXX

well of course we don't have the same opinion as each other, but the fact is that this thread isn't getting out of control and is starting to feel unpleaseant and I'd rather it not go any further and make some people feel they can't post on this section anymore, surely noone wants anyone to feel that.
Just becasue pone person's prolems might be worse than anothers doesn't make this section out of bounds for some people and that's how people are begining to feel by the looks of it.