You can all call me an old cow but I'm fed up with SN board being used as resource for general advice

[Davros]

We seem to have had a spate of threads started by parents who have worries about their child's behaviour and development. Most of these don't seem to have looked through the SN archive (although I have told Tech it only goes up to D it certainly covers Autism, Aspgergers, ASD). I don't want to be totally horrid but I wonder if people could have a little sensitvity into our situations and check the archive or simply post in B&D where I think most of these threads would be more appropriate.
I wasn't going to say anything as I thought it was just a phase and would stop but then two more appeared.
OK, call me an old cow.

Just wanted to say that my first post on the sn board was about the GFCF diet. Looking back it must have been dull as dishwater for the rest of you but I still got lots of lovely replies which actually helped me make the decision to stop the diet. I've no regrets as it was making no difference to ds and life is SO much easier.

I had looked at some other websites but they were all so dedicated to THE DIET that I didn't have the nerve to post any questions, especially As I was quite new to the internet. It has been such a relief to be welcomed on to the sn board and to feel I can ask my silly questions.

I can see Davros's original point though as it does seem to be the same people who end up answering the questions, or having posters referred to them. I'm afraid I'm guilty of 'leaving them to it' as I'm too worried about giving the wrong advice to jump in.

I sort of agree Davros - think the solution is for people NEVER to feel guilty about not posting - if a thread dies it dies, or someone might advise posting elsewhere.
Mrs F - I am quite sure no-one means YOU, you are an invaluable resource for us all, quite apart from giving us all a good laugh on a regular basis (usually on purpose I think)

Bloody hell, I'm still going on! I think what stood out about this was that a couple of threads asking for advice and comfort got started. That's fine. But when 3,4 and more appeared very quickly it was clear that those posters had not looked at the board at all or even at the titles of other recent threads or they prob would have just added to those. I just think it would have been a sign of a bit more interest/sensitivity to have picked up that these threads were already on the go rather than just drop in with new ones.
But I'm not saying that I think anyone should be stopped posting or controlled and I didn't respond to those posts myself anyway. I thought I'd open my big mouth and say what I suspect a few others were also thinking.
I'd be mortified if anyone thought they shouldn't post but I don't see why a quick look at even the recent threads wouldn't help everyone. And don't forget, I'm perfect

I felt rather upset reading this post, and unsettled that 'i had dared ask for advice on a specialist topic (SN)', as I felt a lot of this topic was directed at me, as I recently asked for any knowledgable advice for my troubled little boy. I chose this heading (special needs) as it was clearly more appropriate than Behavior and Development, as my sons behavior is distinctly different from his school friends, and heading towards a SN catogary. I had thought some SN parents would identify with his symptoms and offer advice, which I m pleased to say one particular member did so very helpfully, and I am now directed towards a topic I had never even heard about before, or considered. I have now got books on the subject and making a doctors appointment. After reading this thread, I again searched the archive topics, and still found nothing relevant. It is very sad that a community board such as this does not welcome occasional visitors to its specialist threads to seek the advice of members who fell could help.

tigi, your sort of question is I think exactly what I was meaning about people who don't choose SN lightly - and who, I think, are totally entitled to use it. (Incidentally, I missed your query and sorry I wasn't one of the ones who responded.) My own issues are only borderline SN ones too, but as many many wise people have said, if you have a borderline SN child one of the best ways to help them is to treat them "as if" they have the diagnosis they may just miss - and you may well not get those ideas on a general B&D thread. I lurk here, and on B&D, and education, always with an eye out for people like you who are experiencing the particular nastinesses of non-NT non-SN limbo - which, while no-one would say it's comparable to really difficult circumstances, is nasty.

perhaps a suggestion would be to ask MN to start up a new board for those mums shose children have already been diagnosed with SN along side a more general board. You could dip into the more general board if you wanted to.

I must admit I don't have a SN child but I am a professional working with these children. Reading your experiences makes me think and I learn from some of the things you say, which presumably is good for my patients and their parents.

I think you could choose to ignore threads you don't want to reply to, especially if you don't feel like giving advice out that day. Topics are bound to be repeated, it's human nature. It's not the end of the world, just a website, just a board, just a thread. I find the whole MN site very cliquey and often downright aggressive/challenging, certainly not always the supportive site it's supposed to be. There's plenty of one-upmanship going on, I think we'd be better focussing opinions on how to stop that than worrying about posts we can't ignore.

OK...you've persuaded me...i'll go on and on and on....like i did b4 this!!!!

p.s I too am guilty of 'leaving it to JimJams and Davros' to reply on posts as i'm worried my advice will be wrong!!!

Looking at this from 'that' perspective ....i have imagined if everybody expected me to respond...then i would not be able to cope.....so to be fair i feel that what davros said is probably a fair comment....i ofcourse still feeling crap took this all the wrong way.

Also, in an ideal world we would all have 'real people' to turn to when we are worried etc....in reality many of us use this board to get the support.

sometimes i post on here things which are really not that relavent to SN.... but i do so cos my 'friends' loiter on SN.... if i were to post some of my 'thoughts' on other threads then i would be locked up. I've tried posting on the Education and Behaviours threads...but get a bit cheesed off with some of the replys..because i just am not in the same league as parents deciding which prep school to interview...neither can i offer any advice to the mum of a week old baby that won't smile/sleep through the night/eat 3 meals a day etc....yes...i admit i find some of the other boards a bit 'silly'....and NO....my boys aren't 'very' autistic....BUT.... ALl DAY EVERY day my boys have subtle differnces to the NT kids who are discussed on the ED and Behav threads.....

that said...i love it when parents NT kids post on the SN threads...as they help me keep perspective.... but whereas on the SN board i can identify 9/10 with the posts (even when it's for something like DS or CP which i don't have reall experience with...only what i have learnt on here).... if i visit the other boards.... i start to feel quite isolated.

example being FOOD/EATING

I will be brave here and admit that IF i cut out GLUTEN,DAIRY,NON-Organic,PROCESSED,YEAST and additive ridden foods...then there would be empty plates and stomachs in my house....yes i know my boys may benefit...but meantime i would habve to tempt them away from the few foods they enjoy.

My son's are sensitive to the slightest change in a product (leigh knows the dif between maris piper and king edwards potaoes for ex) ...and can tell one make of choc spead from another....so for me FOOD will always be an issue.... without me adding strain/stress by removing foods

that said i am in awe of the many on here that are suceeding where i wont even try.....but leigh for ex eats no fruit...and only veg are carrots/potaos....

What have you started Davros?

I do really see this from everyone's pov and its bloody difficult to know if there is a solution.

I think probably at the end of the day this is one of the downsides/limitations of mumsnet. While there is a massive wealth of bloody useful information and advice here it does kind of rely on the never-ending goodwill of the members.

MrsF stop STRESSING about the diet! I have a little theory that when autism is in the family (parents etc- and often that's AS/HFA that runs through families imo) the diet does jack all anyway. Ime it appears to benefit the more biomedical types of autism.

And (whsipers this very quietly). I'm thinking of introducing small amounts of gluten into ds1 diet (eek!)

I don't think there's any issue about posting non SN stuff in the SN board btw- I just think that some of us have felt overwhelmed by the numbers of posts recently of the sort described by tamum, twiglett et al. The ones where people want reassurance when it seems from the description given that all is ok. I know that occasionally I've been asked stuff by name, which makes me feel like I have to reply. If I'm having a crap day (or sometimes if I'm not but I've come on here for a break) and then have to provide someone that I;ve never met reassurance that their child (who I;ve never met) is OK it makes mumsnet more work rather than a supportive place for me. I don't really have the energy to go propping up other parents tbh. Does that make me selfish? Possibly - although I prefer to see it as recognising my own limitations. As scummy said compassion fatigue sets in- it's hard enough dealing with ds1 every day without having to support people with perfectly normal kids (who are incidentally thinking that their child being like mine is the worst thing that could happpen to them- I know I felt like that at the beginning but it's kind of weird saying "there there don't worry little johnny is nothing like ds1" He may be a nightmare, and he may be a horror but he's still my baby).

I want to be on here reading MrsF's thoughts on laminators not replying every day as to whether not talking before the age of 2 is a major problem (nothing wrong with asking, I just don't want to feel like I have to answer). If someone posted a please help and it was obvious their child needed to see someone asap then I would reply- and would be pleased to do so. As others have said I do remembver that awful feeling at the beginning - and I remember the numbers of evenings that ended in tears.

Does that make sense. Basically I think that as long as people realise that we're not always going to answer then no problem.

Scummy - interesting point about level of disability and stress etc. Ds1's clinical psych says the parents she sees who are the most stressed are the parents of ADHD/HFA kids- and I can understand why- they HAVE to fit into the normal world in one way or another every day. DS1 is currently sheltered from it (as we are). We can shut ourselves away (and tbh except at a superficial level I do).

I read some bits on the SN board although rarely contribute because I find it educational. And MrsF you are educational and interesting to read because you have your own perspective on the subject.

thanks for that JJ..... that makes alot of sense...ther's a big difference between being asked 'where can i find info/doctors/PECS/videos' etc and "DO YOU THINK MY CHILD IS AUTISTIC"...lot of pressure to 'get it right'

maybe the board should be called SPECIAL NEEDS RESOURCES !!!!

I haven't read all this thread but out of interest is this board 'seen' as focussin mainly on behavioural issues (not sure of correct terminology) i.e. conditions like autism, ADHD, dyspraxia etc?

The only reason I ask is because I have dipped in and out and that seems to me to be the main subjects discussed. The only reason I am interested is because my son has nystagmus and a possible type of albinism (not diagnosed yet) and I have never posted about it here - even when I need advice or support - as it doesn't seem to 'fit' with the majority of the other threads.

I do think that although it is easy to say 'don't feel you have to reply, just ignore posts you don't want to answer, don't feel guilty' this is sometimes hard to do. Stuff we are talking about in SN is really very emotive. As RnB and Jimjams say, we all remember all those early feelings of fear/grief/uncertainty etc etc and it does make some of us feel guilty if we don't offer support to someone who is asking for it. I know I feel it sometimes if I notice a post halfway down the page that no-one has responded to. Often I can't actually help but i feel I should say something because I know how bad I would have felt if that poster had been me.

I think this is especially true for those like Jimjams and Davros because they are known for being very knowledgable/wise/experienced etc and I think there is a certain expectation that they will answer. Indeed I think many of us are guilty of sometimes saying 'Davros will know that' or "jimjams will be along later and will be able to help'.

It isn't the posters fault - they are just asking for advice/help but I can see how so many posts all asking similar advice on autism etc can be overwhelming.

I am going to be really spiteful now and I havent even read the thread but I cannot stand how people post a serious thread asking for advice on their 'projects' for college and ask for peoples geniune stories and then mock the thread as if it is a joke. It is no fucking joke whatsoever

I was personally invited to the sn board by a member when i posted in b&d (to be honest i personally didnt want to think we belonged there at first) It has been no end of valueable information and advise and i thank all the members who have posted back with all my heart. When all you ever read about dev. delays is early intervention is the key what do you do? nothing till you get official dx most the time you have to fight to be heard first too. So if i have personally offended anyone or asked for too much appologies, but when you are at the realisation stage anxiety kicks in you you forget to be considerate.

WESTCOUNTRYLASS....my boys are autistic....and i have noticed how the majority of threads are about ASD etc....but PLEASE post on here as there are alot of people who 'lurk' (as in read but not post)....and one of them may know something to help u......and for me.....i would like to know more about everything...so please post!!!!

also meant to say that i live in the westcountry...wiltshire to be precise!

Message withdrawn

I would put myself on a limb and say, i would like the SN section of mumsnet tobe members only

I have just read this and I think that probably like me lots of new people may not have much knowledge of special needs before joining mumsnet.Since reading these threads which I do from time to time I have learnt a lot and would probably think of this as a first place to go if I had a question as everyone seems very clued up on the various conditions etc but having seen this I would be nervous to ask tbh in case I was seen as insensitive.I had a lot of advice from someone on hre recently about my brother who is 37 and I suspect hs aspergers It really helped me understand why certain things happened over the years and I feel I understand him more now and will probably deal with him differently in future as I have been harsh with him at times in the past.

Having said that I'm leaving teh SN boards - couldn't resist posting on here...

Some of the US sites (I think ivillage used to be one) have separate boards for autistic spectrum disorders. In fact one of them has I think a separate board for autism and a separate board for Asperger's/PDD.

It may be that if the special needs section of mumsnet continues to grow that mumsnet shoudl take a similar approach.

I know that partly my decision not to post on here any more is that my DS isn't "needy" when compared to a classically or severely autistic child. I might feel different if there was a board specifically for asperger's/HFA/PDD.

p.s. hi Fio2