Can't cope anymore he's going to have to go

[AnyName]

We can't deal with him. Going to have to tell social services that like they care.

DH said he's going to do it. I can't think of a reason to stop him. We're black and blue. cant do this

God I hate the name of this thread.

I considered wht you were saying about this morning being another sign of more help needed, wrote down what I needed to say and rang and spoke to a duty social worker. She is looking into how Direct Payments could be started quite quickly, with agency staff if necessary. She seemed understanding. She has said she will get back to me later today.

I pressed the point about how DD gets hurt.

Anyname, I feel relieved about the prayer thing! Thanks! I feel very awkward about it sometimes as many people here on mumsnet seem to view it is a strange thing.

Now back to business! How can you possibly compare yourself to JH? You have coped with so much for many years, so have the rest of the family. Your DH is ill. It must be so terribly difficult to deal with such behaviour. My DS has a global developmental delay and there are days when I really feel down because I don't know how to handle some of his behaviours, I cannot possibly begin to imagine what you must feel dealing with this aggression.

I think you really need help. I agree with TC, give yourself sometime and think about it.

do you want me to ask MN to change the name of the thread? Say to shorten it to "can't cope anymore"?

I hope that the DPs get sorted pronto so that you have more support for the holidays.

I hope that you get the help you desperately need.

Well done on calling SS and hopefully they will provide some extra help asap.

Would you say that his school are meeting his needs? If they also find him difficult or if he is not progressing, then you may want to think about a residential school for him - perhaps a 24hr curriculum is the way forward for you as a family (not saying it would be an easy goal to obtain of course) . If you believe that his need for a 24hr curriculum is educational, then you may have a case. Something to think about perhaps.

good for you!
i know the thread title hurts you but it's a reminder how desperate you felt - trouble is when things are Ok we all put up with stuff...x

sorry you had such a bad day

well done for phoning SS. now you know you will have to keep on at them to progess this, dont you? Otherwise they will just let it slide..........

please think carefully about what mannymoeand jack says about residential school. yes you will feel guilty, you will feel VERY GUILTY. its one of the worst things in the world to have to admit that you cant meet your child's needs. i know, i have been there and its terrible

but you knwo in your hear that you cant do it alone, dont you? if your son needs 2 to one care, how can you do it yourself and look after your Dh and other children? SW carers work max 40 hours a week for 45 weeks a year - you cant do 168 hours a week for the next 10 years

please get the money asap and buy in the best care you can get. and think about his schooling needs too

Hope SS come through for you! I think bundle makes a good point about putting up with stuff when things are OK - make sure something good comes from this. I kind of hope you don't change the title because I personally found it reassuring that this is somewhere we can express such feelings (but understand it is probably painful for you so do what feels best!)

Kristina when you put it like that it sounds v scary and un-doable but I know why you are saying it. Thing is I don't do it all on my own, My DH does a lot but he can go through periods of being really quite incapacitated and in those times I need to care for him and the others. It's then I come unstuck. It sounds quite laughable to think I'm trying to do an OU degree as well. I'm on Y4 of 6 but waiting for the OU to get back to me about my enquiry as to what would happen if I take a year out (next year.) I don't think I can do that as all my courses have been funded (as we live on benefits) and I supposed to complete in 6 years. But this year's course has been a complete struggle. Not the work itself, jsut the getting it done. I just don't have time to study and I don't know how I've been getting through each assignment. But that degree is/was the only way to a better future for us. But when I do pick my books I fall asleep in them!

My friend's DH pointed out to me yesterday that how did I think I was was ever going to go out to work/use it as planned when DS needs so much care. (He doesn't mince words!) This is the reason I don't work now; it would put too much on DH for me to work full time and part time (with no degree at least and poss with one) makes us no better off. He is right: how IS that going to work?

But how can I not have my own child living with me? How could I not see him every day, smell him, cuddle him, check he's healthy. treat any little symptoms of anything the way we do?

The future stretches ahead pointlessly sometimes. I would never ever harm myself much less my children or anyone else but you can see how it happens can't you? These tragic cases of parents of severely disabled children doing themselves in and taking their child with them.

Anyway I had a great chat with the Mner who took DD out today and it helped a lot. It helps to talk to people like her (and to you on this thread) who "get it" because they have children with challenging needs. She bravely stayed a while even tho DS tried to bite her!

We do "shut up and put up" when things are ok; that's how we get by but things don't seem to be ok very often these says. And I don't know whether it's me, DH, both of us or just the fact that DS is so much more challenging. My teenager is out most of the time these days and I don't blame him!

Anyname, would you ever consider some sort of medication to calm him down? I know I think about it a lot, as my DS is also hyperactive and exhausting. There are things like ritalin and equasym which could maybe improve ALL your quality of life, including his? I know not everyone agrees with medication, but when you are at the end of your tether I think it might be worth a thought??

Thinking of you AnyName.

He's been tried on Ritalin MAM and he went completely off the wall after one day's dose - his paediatrician has since considered him unsuitable for any kind of drug treatment of this kind. He has ADHD on his "list" of small diagnoses but obviously, she says, not the "standard kind" that involves the definiceny that Ritalin and similar replace. He had a reaction like we would if we took it - as if he'd had speed.

He's also been on Melatonin to help him sleep. That didn't work either.

SS haven't rung me back yet. She said she would get back to me before the end of yesterday.

I'm no expert, but aren't there some cases where you can give a child a very small dose of prozac of other calming drugs (not valium, but something less strong?). Might be worth asking, as you are looking after a hell of a lot of people and you need to keep your strength up. I think you are amazing the way you cope.

My DS-11 was getting increasingly very violent towards me, DH and my other DC last summer. He has been on Risperidone since then and while many of his other strange and challenging behaviours persist, the violence and aggression is much toned down. Risperidone is an anti-psychotic -- compleletely different to Ritalin and it's primary purpose in children is to reduce aggressive behaviour. Perhaps you can investigate this alternative, Anyname.

I don't want him to go to residential school. I just want us to be able to cope with him.

Risperidone has been mentioned at some stage. I can't remember if/why it was disregarded; I'll have to look into it again.

I have just rung and left a message for the paediatrician about Risperidone. We've got to go in later anyway for a physio appointment and I might be able to get her thoughts on my query then. Will let you know.

Thank you x

I don't want to sound completely bonkers and I really do know this is not everyone's cup of tea, but have you considered homeopathy? It made a big difference for our family with various issues although we have nothing like your situation. If you feel like you have tried everything else then it might be worth considering. Plus I'm sure a lot of homeopaths would consider coming to some arrangement given your financial situation.

We have had some action

Our SWA phoned before we had to go to the appointment this afternoon. Her collegaue has passed on all I had told her yesterday (but I didn't use the words "We don't feel we can care for him at home..." as I had planned before his fall) but I ended up telling the SWA everything, about our pig of a weekend, our fears about the holidays, the bruises and bites and the attacks on DD etc. She said she will take action immediately because when a family says "we don't think we can cope at home anymore, they listen! So those of you who said that, especially lovely JimJams (who is an oracle on SN anymore ) were quite right!!

She said that he would need 2:1 direct payments carers and she would get right onto it. She would also phone the respite centre to see if they had any cancellations in the hols.

Then we went off to see physio and whilst there, the paediatrician came out to waiting room to intercept us (!) in response to my message about the resperidone and took us into her office and we had a good chat. She said she would be happy to prescripe; this said as DS tried to bite through DH's arm. She was very interested in meeting DD as well and hearing her views on what she goes through at the hands of her brother (shes#'s never met before.)

We came away with a prescription. I've dropped it in but can't collect it until 10am so hopefully he'll still be able to start it tomorrow. It's a very low starting dose that we can increase after a week if we think it is having a little effect but need more.

Then SWA rang back and said she'd got authorisation for sixs hours TWICE a WEEK for us throughout the hols, with two at a time direct-payments funded carers! She has to finalise the arrangments tomorrow and we have to have an assessment but she was very certain about it.

After the hols it will be six hours once a week, but still a lot more than we've ever had.

Thanks so much for the support and good advice provided on this thread.

Podsquash, we have done lots of alternative stuff over the years to varying degrees of success but can no longer afford it but thanks for the suggestion.

Anyway not anymore (re JimJams being an oracle)

Well done!
Its great people are listening to you. Hope things improve now.

Thank God! I am so happy that there is some action! No time for more just now but I'm so pleased for you. Well done on keeping on looking for help.

Good for you its nothing less than you deserve & need, I hope its in place for you very quickly & you can enjoy some calm time.

glad the SW seems to have sorted something proper out for you all.