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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

Can't cope anymore he's going to have to go

120 replies

AnyName · 26/07/2008 18:44

We can't deal with him. Going to have to tell social services that like they care.

DH said he's going to do it. I can't think of a reason to stop him. We're black and blue. cant do this

OP posts:

cyberseraphim · 26/07/2008 20:36

I'm sorry to hear things are so tough. I do think you should at least consider a residential school. It's obvious you are a mother beyond what most who call themselves that could even contemplate but a residential place means sharing responsibility not giving up on him.

supportman · 26/07/2008 20:37

Might not be the right thing to say, but have you thought of leaving him at ss and walking away? I am pretty sure they would do whatever it takes to keep the family together and would have to answer your needs. Sorry if I have offended or upset you.

Hassled · 26/07/2008 20:41

I have no experience whatsoever with this but couldn't read and not post to say that what you have to deal with just takes my breath away. You have my utmost admiration - and you shouldn't have to be fighting for help like this. I wish I knew what to say.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 26/07/2008 20:50

Remember that if SS have to place him in residential it will cost them 200 grand a year. This gives you a lot of power. You can insist on more support.

KristinaM · 26/07/2008 20:52

i agree that you are going to have to put pressure on SS but you need to think very carefully about the best way to do that

i woudl NOT advise you to leave him on SS doorstep or suggest that you might hit him or harm him in any way. yes, Ss woudl have to take action, but they could also take your daughter into care or place her on the at risk register and inform her school etc. they can be very vindictive so you have to be wise

have SS considered the risk to your daughter from your son? It seems that there is a child protection issues here and i wonder if they have carried out a risk assessment on this? Is there not a requirement to do so under soem Carers legislation? Perhaps you need legal advice on this, and also to ensure that SS have fulfilled all their duties to your son.

You could see if you could get legal aid for this. Or perhaps your son could get a solicitor to advocate on his behalf?

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 26/07/2008 20:52

And they will care if they think its going to cost them 200 grand if they ignore you.

Money talks. It's always money when it comes to SS. If they know you're at the end of your tether they will help because it will be too expensive for them not to.

MannyMoeAndJack · 26/07/2008 20:53

nikos - I agree with you 100%. My ds is severly ASD has SLD, is non-verbal, etc. However, although he is a continual challenge and we have had to fight SS for every morsel of help, ds is not violent or aggressive (towards people). I am eternally grateful for that. JJ and anyname are on the next level of challenge, no doubt.

MannyMoeAndJack · 26/07/2008 20:57

Oh yes, be careful what you threaten! You must be prepared to carry through. Perhaps something along the lines of, 'we need to have a meeting to discuss alternative living arrangements for ds' - that should get their attention.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 26/07/2008 20:59

ds1 isn't aggressive as such. It's all sensory with him. He gets excited (very easily- eg if someone talks to him) and he hits them at the moment. usually me. Or he pinches me as a 'joke' to try and get a reaction. But it's literally all the time. So he comes for a cuddle which turns into a punch or a pinch.

I know it will pass (a lot faster if he could actually access OT )

It's exhausting though and must be worse if he's going for siblings (luckily ds1 doesn't really do this) or if he's doing it because he's unhappy (ds1 is sunny and happy and laughing as he hurts us- it is easier than if he was doing it because he was upset).

expatinscotland · 26/07/2008 21:01

'a lot faster if he could actually access OT'

yes, i hear that!

KristinaM · 26/07/2008 21:04

jimjams is right - its all about money with SS. And it will cost them a great deal to have your son in a 52 week placement. which i guess is the alternative if you cant cope anymore

I knwo there have been legal cases about a child going to a day school and then a children home but i woudl be very surprised if they coudl find a childrens home to take such a violent 9yo. and a specailist unit woudl cost as much as a residential school

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:07

I know several families who have gone to tribunal to get residential care for their children. It's worth thinking about that route although it is of course exhausting.

Seuss · 26/07/2008 21:07

If you were to argue the case from your daughters angle could Young Carers give you any advice or could they at least provide some services to give your daughter a break?

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:07

Have yuo tried SEN SOS? Wouldlink but abroad and v slow connection.

nikos · 26/07/2008 21:09

You know my nephew has just finished a social work degree and is refusing to get a job as a social worker because he was unable to help people (that's why he went into it). He's actually been 'headhunted' by an ASD organisation because he is so good at the ground level. But the money is so crap he can't make a career if it.

nikos · 26/07/2008 21:13

Would you be willing to say what region you are in? What age is your dd? Perhaps some of us could offer some practical help?

Original poster

AnyName · 26/07/2008 22:13

DS has ADHD as part of his (mainly undiagnosed) condition. He hasn't a diagnosed ASD but some of his behaviours are typical I would imagine.

He can be sweet and loving but the minute you can't give him 100% attention he can turn very nasty. He can also do it out of the blue.

I have only ever considered residential school as something for the future, like college age. Dh is still saying he is going to phone social services. It's usually me who does all that kind of thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnyName · 26/07/2008 22:16

He is also quite physcially disabled although v strong. He has global developmental delay/mod - servere learning difficulties and some other health issues although is bascially healty.

he also has a wicked and highly developed sense of humour and loves life although seems to get v frustrated.

OP posts:

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 26/07/2008 22:22

oh are you a namechanger anyname?

If so (and if you're who I think you might be) things will probably get easier in September.

Do push SS though. I have started to point out to them that if their penny pinching means we can no longer cope then it will cost them a lot more.

KristinaM · 26/07/2008 22:24

dont phone SS. they will just send a duty officer who will write a report and send it into the appropriate area office. then your regular SW will contact you next week to arrange a visit and tell you how well you are coping. that if they are not on holiday

if you mean that you are feeling desperate RIGHT NOW and are looking for action this weekend, you need to phone teh police and tell them that your son has assaulted your daughter. you posted about this earlier saying that she was black and blue and " gets shit bitten and kicked out of her"

does your Gp know that your son hits your daughter? has he seen any of her injuries?

KristinaM · 26/07/2008 22:26

please check out getting legal advice. IMO nothing quite puts a rocket up the SS like a letter from a solicitor. they wont be using that one on their training

KristinaM · 26/07/2008 22:26

sorry shoudl be IME

supportman · 26/07/2008 22:27

KM, yes it would be a very bad idea to suggest any form of harm to the child, or indeed yourself.

I have know someone who was at breaking point and went to SS and threatened to leave the child with them and they have immediatly arranged an emergency meeting and then sorted it out. SS have a budget to stick to and won't hand out anything if they can help it. Of course such drastic action could backfire and needs to be thought about very carefully.

ouryve · 26/07/2008 22:33

I'm sorry you're going through such a shitty time. I hope you can find the fight in you to force someone to sit up and take notice because it's not fair on you or your family to deal with this almost alone.

daisy5678 · 26/07/2008 22:36

I think that ringing up/ going there in tears with unspecified threats would be better than threatening to leave him there. "We can't cope and we don't know what we'll do if you don't help us" would work best - they can take that how they like. All Social Services people will remember the case of the mother who jumped off a bridge with her son because nobody was providing the support that they needed and they ALL have to respond to serious cries for help.

I know what it's like to get physically abused and threated by your child day in, day out, but Social Services will never know that and that's why they don't do enough. Videoing is a good idea. Taking your ds to them in tantrum mode is even better.

Unfortunately, like anything, they have to believe that there is a crisis before they will actually do anything.

I feel for you. It's shite, isn't it. I remember reading once (probably on here) that if their violent child was a spouse, they'd leave them; if they were a friend, they'd cut off all contact; if they were a work colleague, they'd change jobs...but because it's your child, you can't do any of that and wouldn't want to.

But there's no shame in needing help to cope. Shame only rightfully belongs to those who could help but won't.

Good luck.

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