Can't cope anymore he's going to have to go

[AnyName]

We can't deal with him. Going to have to tell social services that like they care.

DH said he's going to do it. I can't think of a reason to stop him. We're black and blue. cant do this

I really don't have any advice to give you but I just wanted to send some virtual hugs. and I thought I had it hard

I know a parent who called SS and arranged a meeting to discuss her DS who was very much like yours. She took her DS to the meeting. Halfway into the meeting she said 'I just need to go to the loo will you watch him for me' - and they went white. She got what she wanted.

I know that if you are at the end of your rope you can't face any more fighting and you just don't have the energy to argue with twats in offices, but please try. There is help out there for you. Unfortunately, I have found that if all else fails, a nasty letter from a solicitor, a letter from your Councillor or MP, or a threat to go to the press are the only things that get these turds to cough up.

big hugs
xxx

I also just want to offer another supportive post. I can relate to how you feel.

Anyname, this may be of absolutely no use to you at all as your situation sounds so hard, but we stopped my autistic DS from being aggressive by giving him a hairwash EVERY SINGLE TIME he did anything aggressive. Is there some similar aversive therapy you could use on DS?? Or is he already too big? I know not everyone agrees with aversive therapy, but if you could give him (say) a cold shower every time he is aggressive, or something suitable that he hates (I would never hit a child, but I think cold showers etc are fair game, or taking a computer game away, or locking up his toy cupboard)? Anyway, if you've tried everything including this (which I'm sure you have) then ignore me but I'm sending you hugs. It is Day 3 of our hols and my DS just got chicken pox, plus it's 90 degrees. I really feel for you!

Hiya
I understand where you#re coming from. Sending you support and an idea. Apologies if it has been mentioned earlier.

How about ringing social services out of hour emergencys. I did this just the once - rang at about 12.30am when dd was in meltdown, but I felt no-one beleived what she was like. Out of hours sw rang back about half hour later, of course dd had calmed down by then. But everytime you ring them it has to be logged, and then your own social worker will get paperwork through the next day, saying you had called, and should investigate.

With regards to 24 nights respite, I agree that they want you to think you won't get any more than that. I know it's a chance to take ie using them all up and then having none, but you need help now, and surely they can give more. As has been said, more respite would be cheaper for them than paying out for residential.

Hoping things calm down for you, and you get the help you all need as a Family.

xx

DH is going to ring them (SS)tomorrow. He is going to say (as suggested by someone - JimJams? - below, can't find it now) something along lines of "I need to arrange a meeting so that we can discuss alternative living arrangements for DS..". We don't mean it, as we speak, but we need them to think we do.

Had a difficult day. Some friends invited us to a barbecue in the garden. This rarely happens because understandably (and I do understand) people find him difficult to be around. But we sort of invited ourselves because we don't have a garden at the moment. Our new house just has a large mud patch and we can't afford to get it sorted just yet (put in a claim to Family Fund trust already about this.)

Our friends are very close and loyal to us but during course of day he dumped various things in paddling pool including a garden lamp; ripped the covering off part of the trampoline and damaged/scratched their new garden furniture by throwing chairs around. Then he slapped my friend full in the face. She is his Godmother and knows him well but she is still shocked and hurt when he lashes out at her.

DH and I got very bitten today too.

Thank you for the help on this thread. I'll come back to it.

sorry you've had another horrible day. I do hope that SS sort out some better respite for you.

Sorry you've had another rough day too. I hope you can get something sorted with SS, it sounds like a good plan to ring up and 'discuss alternative living arrangements', I know it will be really upsetting but I hope you can make them think you mean it. I know it's bonkers but try not to seem too competent (even though you must be). Thinking of you all, hope it goes well.

It is good that you have a plan, good luck to DH during the call. I really hope SS listens to you. I have never dealt with them (I don't live in the UK), but I can imagine how frustrating it must be when you desperately need help and are not listened to.
Try to stay strong, I have been praying for you. (sorry if that sounds cheesey).
xxx

AnyName I have nothing to add to all the excellent posts already here, but didn't want to read and not write to you, I hope SS get their act together to help you, and agree about SOS/SEN.
I hope you have an OK day today.

Many years ago my mother did leave me at the SS office, as her mother had done to her, and they did get involved. In the long run they F*ed it up but they got off their backsides.

I wish there was something I could do to help.

You are all so nice.

TinySocks it doesn't sound at all cheesy. I've been praying too but I think my negative mindset is affecting that. I've got to a place where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

If you are open to prayer then I'll join in too if I may

I'll pray for you and your family! I pray for the perfect outcome for you and your family, with everything happening for the best. May love, compassion and wisdom influence all those who work with you and for you. May you find the strength and peace you need.

No advice Anyname, but couldnt just read this and not post, im so sorry that you and you family are going through all this, i truely hope that SS take you DHs call very seriously (((((hugs)))).

So sorry to hear that you are finding it so difficult, I know how you feel with wanting to hand over your child, it's not a nice feeling but only other parents with disabled children know exactly where you are coming from.

Just a suggestion but have you tried speaking to the Head at your son's school. Though schools out for summer many of the staff still have to go in and the phones are answered. This year I actually asked the Head for extra help with my 15 year old son during the holidays and have two staff telephone numbers, people that know him very well, and they can possibly offer me a bit of extra help. It may be worth phoning the school to see if anyone is there and if any extra help can be made available. I agree with someones earlier comments that the Social Workers don't have a clue about all that you have to deal with for your child - until they are in the home/office environment and your child is kicking off - they have to see the true reality before they step in and do something about it.

My friends daughter was really screaming and shouting with bad behaviour at home, never ever did it at school so she approached the school and brought them up to date, when they got involved they couldnt believe it of her - the shock all round stopped the behaviour and the threat of getting the school involved and phoning a teacher whilst at home was enough to calm the situation down. When behaviour that pushes you to the limit is reserved for you alone at home then you need to make other professionals/GP etc aware - they don't see what you have to deal with on a daily basis.

I don't know what else to say except good luck - and don't accept no as an answer - those who shout loudest get the help, very sad but very true!

We've just got back from the hospital - rushed there in an ambulance this am when DS was trying to climb up to a shelf (standing on sofa) and fell and hit the back (side) of his head hard on the laminate flooring. He was semi concious for a while, was v scary.

By the time the paramedics arrived he was getting back to normal but they said he should go in. He seems fine and is having lunch now.

We won't be phoning ss. At least not at the moment;today. I am so grateful he is ok. It was my fault, I went for a shower and left his watching tv with poor DD. She blames herself And she was so scared as she lived in fear of something happening yo DS since he has some seizures a few year ago. She was very brave. Again.

She has gone out for the day with a Mner (you of course will know exactly who am I am and did anway I'm sure) who arrived the same time as the ambulance. Thank you lovely Mner.

sorry you had such a scary morning, hope you and the kids feel less shocked now. obviously it's down to you/your husband as to when/if to call SS, but I would have thought an incident like this means you are more in need of respite if you feel you can't be out of the room for five minutes .

I know But I would feel so guilty.

I would feel no better than Julia Hollander.

But we do need help.

I'm so sorry this has happened. How frightening for you. You are in my thoughts.

You could still ask SS for serious help without it being about him 'going'. You can ask for help in order to improve his quality of life by improving your own. You get some assistance, he gets a happier mum who can deal with him better with more patience, etc. I understand you might not want to approach this today but please don't let it go. Talk about it more with your other half later in the week, at least.

Anyway, hope the rest of the day is better.

forget JH

you need help, not just for you but as you say, for the rest of your family

xxx

I agree with Podsquash - you've had a terrible shock today - don't put yourself under any pressure to make a decision about calling SS or not today. Wait till you feel a bit calmer and speak to DH.

In terms of the JH stuff - situation completely not comparable.

agree big shock not a good time to make a decision - but may help to nudge you towards what you need, xxx