Primary School Auties 10: Summer and beyond 2022

[LightTripper]

Thread 10.

Ooops, sorry, filled up the last thread without noticing - here we are at THREAD 10!! (How did that happen?)

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022

@openupmyeagereyes I understand while it's lovely to see grandparents out with their grandchildren it does make you ache when you can't have the same due to aging or circumstances. My mam was only 60 when she passed so at times I feel robbed. Ladies definitely look into getting a good babysitter. My ds was in creche before he started school and his keyworker is now our babysitter and it works out so well.

I’m going to ask at school too. I feel a bit weird about having someone from school in our house but I guess I’d get over it.

psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

Take with a pinch of salt, obviously. Neither me or dh scored over the threshold but he was higher than me.

That test is interesting because I lime diction and I can imagine things in my minds eye, and I've taught myself how to be a diplomat over the years but it's definitely a mask, as I don't fi d it particularly intuitive or easy. I have no idea how to tell if I'm boring people and I find it really unsettling if routines change or someone suggests doing something spontaneously, although oddly i often suggest activities spontaneously and if I'm the one initiating it, it's fine. Anyway, I scored just in the threshold, which is interesting. Thanks @openupmyeagereyes very insightful.

Hahaha lime diction?? Should be love fiction!!

Susan most people probably wouldn’t tick every box. You make an interesting point about things we may have learned to tolerate or enjoy that might not necessarily have been our natural preference or tendency.

Yep like the one about being diplomatic, I am known for smoothing over disagreements etc so everyone irl thinks I'm good at being balanced and helping people to see both sides of a situation, but actually it's because I can't stand conflict and I don't want anyone to fall out because I never want friendship groups to change.
My favourite question was the library or party one, much rather be hanging out in the library!

See I like parties but I also like bookshops (preferable to a library for me). To me they are both enjoyable but different. Same with the theatre vs museum. I love both 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it's the idea of a party that fills me with dread but then I often enjoy them once I'm there after much anxiety, but a library is a place I feel is just right for me. But if I always took the easiest choice, my life would be less fulfilling as I do enjoy parties often, so I have learnt to build that resilience to allow me to work through the anxiety and do stuff anyway that I find hard. I think that's what we're all trying to do for our DC too. I love the theatre and museums equally though too!

Yes I wonder how much a test like that actually tells you. I wouldn't have said I was autistic but the test said I have enough traits, having said that I would probably answer all those questions differently on a different day.

I agree with the learned behaviours, I often push through discomfort in order to get things done.

I'm the same Susan, the anxiety of going to a party, particularly if it's not one of my close friendship groups almost means I won't go. Once I get there I'm usually ok.

Have you listened the the Happiness Lab? I really enjoy it. All about how our brain tricks us into thinking that things that are bad for us are good. There was a really interesting one (mistakenly seeking solitude) on how we as humans need to interact with strangers in order to feel fulfilled, even though our brains tell us to try and avoid it.

Ooo thank you for that, I’ll look later although don’t you think it depends on interpretation also? So in my younger year I may have loved a party but at the grand old age of 46 I can’t be arsed making an effort with people I don’t know when I have so little free time. Give me dinner in a gastro pub with my 4 best friends any day where I can sit down (!!) and chat and eat good food and drink good wine. That’s just an age and priorities thing not an asd thing, I love a bookshop too though. I am pretty much 100 pc NT I would say 🤣🤣. I’ll do the test tho!

I also feel I interact with enough strangers in my job (clients.) hopefully that’s good for my brain! 🤣🤣🤣

I also feel I interact with enough strangers in my job (clients.) hopefully that’s good for my brain! 🤣🤣🤣

The party question is just one out of fifty. I do agree that age and stage of life will impact a few of the questions but others are more deep rooted I think.

carrie we’ll get you a t-shirt with ‘100% neurotypical’ emblazoned on it 😆

Open, some may disagree!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So sorry about your Mum glitter (and Liv). My Dad died just before DS turned 2 and as I am a lone parent that means my children don't have a Grandad. I know what you mean about feeling emotional seeing other children with their grandparents. My Mum is amazing but she has 10 grandchildren in total, 3 of them living with her (and my sister) so she is in great demand!

I did the test and was nowhere near the threshold which somewhat surprised me. The main thing that makes me wonder if I am autistic is that I flap my hands - well I don't and more as I was bullied about it as a child and trained myself to do other things instead. One thing I wondered about doing the test was how one's perception of oneself would skew things. I think that I diplomatic but I wonder if my friends and family share that view. I have always loved parties and one of my best friends always calls me the queen of small talk (this is meant as a compliment). But I have to say since becoming DS's Mum and covid I have less confidence in my social skills

I don't and more as I was bullied about it as a child and trained myself to do other things instead I’m sorry, dimples that’s awful.

You’re right I think about one’s perception of self vs how others see you but I guess that’s why you’d need a proper assessment to get a diagnosis.

I think being a parent naturally dampens down your social self as there’s so much change involved both personally and in your life. I used to have a good job in a large, exciting company but that was nearly a decade ago now <mind boggles> My life is very different as a sahp to a child with sn’s. I think most people would not find it very interesting 😆

But you know Open that what you are doing now is far more valuable and worthwhile. There’s that saying isn’t there that no one says on their deathbed they wish they had done more in the office.

did the quiz and I scored 5, so no t shirt for me Open!!

carrie I’m not saying I want to go back to the office, I’m just saying that I’m not as interesting now! 😆

how about ‘90% neurotypical’?

I scored quite low on the test. I've considered getting an assessment just because I have so many immediate and extended family members with a diagnosis but that's prob because there are so many of us!

Although I still work I don't have any time for any hobbies or stuff like that. So I do feel that my world has shrunk a bit. I think that I also have a lot on my mind these days and sometimes social chit chat feels hard to engage with.

Thanks Open. I was just thinking earlier how my parents thought the flapping was super cute but if I was a child today they would probably be anxious about me and Googling would fuel those fears.

I got 28 on the test which seems kind of borderline (it says "some autistic traits" so I guess that figures and it's where I've always felt I am really). I agree I'm sure my score would change on different days, and at different ages. E.g. when I was younger I had access to lovely University libraries (but also pretty nice parties so I'm not sure which I would have chosen). Now the one that comes to mind is the local authority one and although the building is very nice there's quite a high chance of somebody a bit strange coming up and trying to make conversation with you or a random small child snotting on your leg - whereas if I was at a party it would be a small one with old friends or friends-of-friends drinking wine and chatting and that would be nice! Similarly who has to remember a phone number any more? So I'd never claim to be good at that but I'm not generally bad at remembering numbers. I think the idea that autistic people don't like fiction is pretty old fashioned too - certainly DD HOOVERS up books at the moment.

I do wonder whether nit-picking about the test is itself an autistic trait though... 🙃

On the question about death, we had a few other books that were good when OH's Mum died (though DD was quite a lot younger). I liked Badger's Parting Gifts, Always and Forever (though from memory I think those two are rather similar), Rabbityness (actually also quite similar!). Paper Dolls is also about loss and memory and I think is actually really good for having conversations about that stuff.

DS is struggling with this a bit at the moment (he's very focused on his cousins' dog dying - I think it's the first "person" he's really known personally who died as he was a baby when OH's Mum died). But I haven't really known how to take the conversation on from "yes it's very sad" and "everybody dies some time and it's important to enjoy the life we've got".

I'm not sure I'm very good at any of this though. I found myself accidentally telling the DC about a suicide in the family on the bus a few months ago (I didn't really intend to but DD ended up asking a very pointed question about how this person died and there was really no other way to answer it other than by lying, which I didn't want to do). I am really not sure I handled that at all well. I suppose they have to know about it at some point but it's hard to know how much information is appropriate and at what age. Luckily they haven't asked about it again since and didn't seem upset about it, so hopefully it wasn't terrible - but I don't think it was particularly useful either.

I'm so sorry about your Mum @glittereyelash . It must be really hard sometimes to see other families. 60 is definitely too young.