Primary School Auties 10: Summer and beyond 2022

[LightTripper]

Thread 10.

Ooops, sorry, filled up the last thread without noticing - here we are at THREAD 10!! (How did that happen?)

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022

I'm like you @carriebradshawwithlessshoes , had never even considered it really. I mean I'd heard of autism but was very ignorant as to what it meant / what the indicators would be. When I first googled it (not even sure why I did) I was like oh wow, this is DD.

Had a better morning with her today before drop off. We had a home visit in the week from the Hanen parents course we are doing and I think it gave us a bit of a lift to really work on the interaction and also not to expect too much. Find it so interesting when we watch videos of us interacting with her (that the SALT has taken) I really notice different things playing it back. So feel a little more positive heading into the weekend.

My DM arrives later, hopefully that will be ok. Sometimes she has a habit of asking the 'wrong' questions but to be honest so does almost everyone in my life. Will try to be a bit patient...

Happy Friday to you all and your special DCs.

All the best for the visit ahna!! Have a bottle of wine on ice….!! 🤣🤣. Really interested to hear the advice on Hanen and things like what you describe on the video (what you do, don’t do, should do etc etc.) PM if you don’t mind. I have the books and read them ages ago but never really found what worked with DS, sometimes I think I read too much and did too much and I found it very overwhelming.

Videoing is a great idea and not something any SALT ever suggested to us. Actually most of them have given up pretty quickly with DS when he wouldn’t engage with his own interests and refused to engage with all the party tricks they pulled out of their bag (bubbles and sensory stuff etc, plus all toys.) ours were never up much for a challenge I felt. Suppose we all want the easy, responsive customers don’t we 🤣. I remember one SALT (v experienced) actually saying she had no clue what to do with DS which was very depressing at the time.

Ahna68 that sounds v positive. I had a recorded theraplay session with DS and watching it back with the therapist gave me some really good insights about expectations and things to work on. Good luck with DM!

A person is autistic, they cannot be separated from their autism because it is a part of who they are and how they think and how they function in the world. Saying a person with autism makes it sound like autism is a coat you can just put on or off or something you forgot to get from the shops, like whoops I forgot my autism again. I feel as a most likely ND person with an ND person very strongly about this and its just not acceptable to use person first language anymore, especially if other people will come across these threads at some point. It also separates ND people again from being NT, it is very othering. It is less positive to say a person, oh with the baggage of autism, rather than embracing a different yet equal identity as an autistic person.
I didn't mean to upset you @glittereyelash and I know you're here for support, like we all are, but with all due respect some of us have been on this thread for years. I don't want to upset anyone but I made a resolution this year that I am done with not saying things to not rock the boat when I know that something needs to be called out. And I do feel that starting apologies with 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is gaslighty and has been done to me a lot over the years, so I am calling it when it happens. Sorry, I really don't want to upset anyone, but I have had a lifetime of being too much of a people pleaser so I'm changing that and trying to be my genuine self more.
Anyway, I'll go and hang out in the corner for a bit before I go on too long 🤣🤣

@SusanStoHelitsPoker I totally respect your opinion and explanation. I know I'm new here and still have a lot to learn. Your right to call things as you see them. I think I'm probably just over sensitive at the moment. Il refrain from posting for a while until my head is a bit clearer.

@glittereyelash no don't do that, you're totally entitled to your view and everything, I'm sorry. I think I've just been gaslight by the LA and so many people over the last few years, I'm uber sensitive about it. It's an interesting debate about language and sorry if I overreacted.

No one stop posting please, it’s lovely to hear from all of you! Let’s change the subject.

DS has started on the bus! Just coming home. First day yesterday, he didn’t want to get off! It works out a bit better for me logistically with DD.

right I’m seeing a couple of old school friends for lunch, it’s a rarity as we aren’t particularly close geographically so I’m quite excited! Off to put on my lippy x

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes yes will PM you re Hanen stuff, will find time this weekend. Enjoy your lunch, that's fun!

Just wanted to say although don't have much of a chance to post, everyone's day to day experiences on this thread really help me to put things in perspective on a tough day. Helps me to remember that it's not just me dealing with it even though it's rubbish that alot of us are having similar struggles.

Thanks for your post Stardog

ahna and carrie I think it’s great to post helpful info on the thread where possible, rather than pm, as it will be useful to others reading now and in the future. Totally up to you of course though.

We had a totally different day yesterday, it was so nice and a big relief. <drumroll> at dinner time, ds also said that he wanted to try some NEW FOODS! I had to stop myself getting excited. I’ll believe it when I see it but I think that him acknowledging it is a good first step. Years ago the dietitian told me that there comes a point where you can reason with them about this. Even if we could add a couple of different foods it would be great.

dimples I hope you’re ok, likewise everyone else.

Does anyone have experience explaining death to their child. How did you go about it? My son has been looking at pictures of my mother a lot. Sometimes I think maybe he remembers her but it's probably her resemblance to me that's confusing him. I want to be honest but I don't want to frighten or upset him 😞

Oh yes Open fine by me…. I’m always a bit worried I’m talking about stuff only relevant to me as your DC all speak.

great day for your DS!!!!

Glitter no, but I know a couple of regular posters on here do so they may have helpful words.

Glittereyelash my mum died just before Christmas last year. My ds did visit her a couple of times while she was sick, so we were very straightforward about it and said she's very sick. We sat both the kids down after she died and said she's dead and you won't see her anymore (that sounds brutal written down like that with no tone to it! Obviously we said it more nicely than that). But essentially we said it in the most basic way possible. My ds's language is still pretty limited though, so long explanations wouldn't work for him.

To be honest neither of them seemed to dwell on it particularly, which is weird considering how close they were to her. I suppose how you explain it depends on what you believe, if you're religious or not etc and how much ability your child has to process quite an abstract idea.

There are lots of great children's books about death (goodbye mog, the heart and the bottle etc, the snowman and the snowdog) where you can talk around what's happened. That requires a level of abstract thinking though.

Hope everyone is ok. We're plodding along. It's the kid's birthdays next week, hoping they are going to be happy with their Presents. Dd is starting to understand why we don't do birthday parties for her and I feel bad about it but it's not really manageable with ds at the moment. So we're having a small family thing this weekend and hopefully that will be enough.

Could DD have a party away from home Liv? I can’t remember her age but most of the kids parties have been somewhere with friends (soft play/ cinema etc), DS could presumably then not go if you didn’t think appropriate.

like mine, bthdays close together!!!!!!

I'd forgotten about Goodbye Mog and Snowdog! DC fine but nobody warned me about the content and I suddenly found lots to do in the kitchen when they were on :-(

Carrie, ds would struggle in most situations involving more than a couple of kids. He would find it difficult at home or away from home, so it would mean either me or dh being with him and the other managing a party on their own (we don't have a lot of support for childcare). I did offer dd a cinema trip with a couple of friends but she doesn't want that, she wants a whole class party type thing. It will probably become more manageable as they get older.

Star dog we have the book of the snowman and snowdog and it gets me every time I read it!

glittereyelash I only have experience involving people outside of the family so far, elderly neighbor etc.

This is where finding a good social story might be useful, and picture books like others have said, but read them in advance and make sure you’re comfortable with the content. Think it through and have a script that aligns with your world view. Be prepared for repetitive questions - this is anxiety and why a script is important so your answers are consistent. They may become a bit obsessed with death for a while, which is normal and they might worry about themselves or you dying. It’s important to reassure them as much as you can. Good luck.

Thanks all for the advice and suggestions. My mother passed away during lockdown and my son regressed the following day. He lost all his speech and stopped interacting so while i tried to explain and reassure him at the time he didnt react at all. I do speak about her a lot but its only the past few days hes shown an interest and seems curious. It's likely another family member will pass soon so I just want to be prepared.

That must have been really hard, I’m sorry.

Liv, DH has never managed a party! Is that bad??! It’s not his thing!!! Sorry I wasn’t clear, I meant DS stays with DH. My DS has always stayed with DH for DDs. Here at least I’ve found class ones at soft play or whatever are usually the easiest managed by their staff and whilst kids are little their parents stay and watch their own child so quite easy. I’m sure both will have a lovely time whatever you do.

glitter I’m sorry too. Unlike a lot of threads on here our parents day to day have been instrumental in our DC upbringings and I can’t imagine not having that.

Thank you it was the absolute worst but its toughened me up a lot. I can cope with a lot more than I thought. Hope everyone is having a good weekend. My ds played with his cousins today and nobody fought or cried so it doesn't get much better than that!

Sounds like a good day glitter.

I popped to a local garden centre today while I was out running errands and saw lots of young dc with grandparents. It made me quite wistful. My mum used to look after my sisters’ children a lot when they were young (as did I) but she was a lot younger and healthier then. I still feel a bit resentful but I know that’s not really fair. Our parents are all getting old now and ds can be hard to manage. Just one of those things.

I do think that now covid has settled down I might start looking for an experienced babysitter.

I'm sorry glitter losing your mum is the pits. My son had a regression when he was about 2.5 and it was very hard to deal with too. Great that he had a good day with his cousins.

Carrie funnily enough I actually think Dh would manage a party and a load of kids much better than I would! Not the organising but the dealing with people and keeping kids entertained. He's much better at that than I am. They seem pretty excited about having dh's parents here tomorrow so hopefully that will be enough.

Open I keep thinking about trying to find a babysitter too.