Primary school auties: summer and the new academic year - thread 7

[openupmyeagereyes]

New thread.

This is the continuation of the thread for parents / carers of autistic children / children with additional needs. Most of us are parents of children in year 1 / year 2.

Links to old threads

Thread 1 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed

Thread 2 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2

Thread 3 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3

Thread 4 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4

Thread 5 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1

Thread 6 - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1

danni the new school seems very overtly an autism school and wanting to celebrate Neurodiversity. It’s definitely not something we can avoid if he’s to go there. I mean, I’m sure they don’t bang on about it all the time but they want to empower the children I suppose. Ds will understand in an age appropriate way. I just don’t want him to feel like there’s something inherently wrong with him which is why I’ve avoided it. In hindsight I’d have been more matter of fact about it from the start but alas here we are.

I completely understand why you’re so fed up

There are a few decent books I think that might help with the conversation. We had "All My Stripes" because we were starting a bit younger, but there are more to choose from now I think. There's also a couple by Kathy Hoopmann with animal pictures (we have one of them). Let me know if it would be helpful for me to send some screen shots so you can see if they'd be any good for DS?

I also liked any books about being different - i.e. you could start a conversation there even if the book didn't go into it specifically.

@danni0509 so hard to know what's for the best. You've tried very hard to give DS's current school the benefit of the doubt but their communication with you is awful, even if the class teacher sounds generally nice.

Light we have a few books on being 'different', which I think we have discussed on the thread before. Ds has always been a bit resistant to reading them, perhaps because he senses there's a reason for them but often he will just take against a book and refuse to let me read it. He's a bit more relaxed now so I may just strew some about. We have all cats have aspergers syndrome (though I see it's been updated to all cats are on the autism spectrum ) and ds just thinks it's about cats, we've never talked about it being about people though that was the intention originally when buying it

We managed about 30 minutes in a local country park this afternoon so got some fresh air at least.

I would be very unhappy with messages and personal information being passed on through the taxi driver. I think it’s very inappropriate. Ditto the unofficial complaining to the taxi driver, which they helpfully pass on. It’s just all rather unprofessional. Your ds is not a problem to be solved. None of our dc are.

My quick similar moan…. Is it possible, really, for them just occasionally to say something positive on pick up?? Today it was ‘he’s been fine, but nipped.’ Friday it was ‘he’s not done well with the toilet.’ Thursday it was ‘he’s been grumpy.’ Today for eg I can see he’s had no accidents but that isn’t mentioned. It’s like they have to find something to nark about. Why??? Isn’t it easier to say something nice?

There’s so much I could say about him over the weekend that’s new and positive, re interaction, communication, dressing skills. I know they think I’m consistently defending him but is it any wonder?

I’m on the verge on mailing to say the same to them but DH has me in an iron grip (metaphorically of course!)

carrie I told ds' school that I only wanted verbal feedback on pick-up and that anything else could be written in his comms book. Understandably he hated the negative comments. Absolutely tell them this. How would they feel if their boss picked up on all the little things they'd struggled with at the end of the day?

Sorry that was positive verbal feedback on pick-up.

Oh that’s a good thought Open, thank you for that. I’m sure they will struggle to say anything then!!

How frustrating Danni
Hope that DS's sleep improves Open.

Yes DD turned 2 in July so a lot of her behaviour is typical 2 year old stuff - however, they're used to 2 year olds and lockdown toddlers and her behaviour was commented on as being challenging. In some ways it makes me feel better as I am often exhausted by her!

I am lucky DS's 1:1 always says something positive or says things v kindly eg DS seemed v tired this afternoon/it was so noisy DS, wasn't it, we didn't like it. She would never speak negatively about his behaviour within his ear shot. I can't remember if I mentioned this before but last week DS went on a school trip. His TA had 5 children as well as him which was ridiculous. She looked wiped out when I went to collect him and was quite shocked by how different his behaviour was outside of school (more like he is with me)

Danni, why did the local school say they wouldn’t accept him? The LA here have said to me that they expect schools to say no after a consult, but it’s very often a try on and the LA if it comes to the crunch will tell them they have to take the child unless there is a very defined reason why they can’t (not just we are full etc). Really if he’s 20 miles away and that school can’t meet needs (and the local one can) and there’s nowhere else the LA need to be coming down on them like a tonne of bricks, don’t they??!

Dimples, if any consolation at all my DD at exactly the same age as yours was totally off the wall!! I am still mentally scarred by a party when she was 2.4 hosted by a friend, all the little girls were in cute party frocks, holding hands and making daisy chains, DD literally stood there in the garden and screamed ‘get them all away from me!!! Tell them to go!’ And the like. Every time another child approached her she yelled a variant of the same it was a total show stopper!!

She’s 9 now, very charming and sensitive and lovely. It gives me great delight to wind her up about that story which is one of many. Sometimes crazy behaviour is just that, at that age!

Thanks Carrie. I'm not overly worried, just wondering if my 'straightforward' child is a bit more complex. We have already had issues with motor skills. We'll see!

Well I’ve had the strangest pick up…

DS saw his OT at school today (privately funded by us). He’s not seen her for a while. She did some academic stuff with him apparently using a tablet. She rang me after and said he’d done v well, was v accurate. Said school were struggling to engage him but really what they were asking him to do was well below his ability so he was probably bored.

Picked him up today, his one to one was there plus class teacher. As I knew he’d done well with OT I said this to both of them (in earshot of DS). They had previously maintained DS was incapable of doing anything at school you will recall.

Anyway I was waiting for a yes!! That was great!! Well done DS!! Instead class teacher said well, that’s all well and good but we can’t get anything out of him. I said riiigght, but OT did? This morning?? One to one said oh, he always performs for these people who float in and out but never with me when I’m left with him for 7 hours a day. I can only assume by these people she means Sendiass people who have seen him in school and the OT.

Before I could answer class teacher said oh and have you told her (me) that he’s pinching and biting when we are trying to get him to work?? I said hang on, are we not celebrating that DS has actually done some really good work and shown his ability this morning which is more than you would admit last term? Teacher ignored me and said well, I’m telling you about the pinching. We have to. It’s the rules.

I took DS hand and said let’s go and walked off. This is what I mean when I say they absolutely in no circumstances have a good word to say about him. I’m livid. I stupidly thought that this was to be one discussion where they actually praised DS for what they are unable to deny he had done?????

I cannot convey how absolutely soul destroying these people are….

The ‘always’ is interesting there.

Because you’re right - it implies that they have evidence of him achieving academically and they haven’t been telling you. Which is weird.

Or maybe not. It undermines their argument that he can’t learn there, doesn’t it, if they admit that actually he can. And that’s contrary to what they want (him to leave).

Yes that’s def what they said!! ‘Always the case with these people who drift in and then out again.’

Ugh danni. I can't believe a year down the line you're still having all these school issues!

Carrie The school would definitely be getting a very sternly worded email from me if they behaved like that. So rude to be that unenthusiastic about ds at pickup and in front of him! As Orinoco say the 'always' is very telling!

Dimples sorry things are a bit difficult at the moment. Hopefully it's just 2 year old behaviour and maybe a bit of copying of ds's behaviour?

Open I can totally understand the anxiety. Hopefully it will be a really great move for ds. Like danni I don't think my ds would have any idea what I was talking about if I told him he was autistic.

We're just plodding along. Ds is still asking if it's Christmas every day. We're hoping to move house next month (staying in borough) which should be an interesting transition for ds. He seemed quite excited when we went to visit the new place the other day but I'm sure it's all going to be a bit of an upheaval for him.

carrie sorry about the cold hearted teachers. If they have this much negativity towards him it's no wonder he won't do anything for them.

liv good luck with planning the move. I think you're on a losing battle re. Christmas as it's everywhere already. Enough to confuse lots of children I think.

We have work going on here today. It's absolute chaos and ds is going to be home again shortly...

I take back anything positive I may ever have said about that teacher. How can they say these things in front of DS? And then expect him to play nice and do (boring) work for them the next day? Do they just have no scrap of human empathy or basic understanding of human psychology?

I don’t think they do, I find it just awful. He’s only just turned 6 and last year their line was ‘he can’t work in school because of x, y, z’ (sensory overloads etc etc.) So I went and worked with him whilst they watched and he did so well but they wouldn’t acknowledge it because I’m his mum so that gave me an unfair advantage.

Then lo and behold a complete external professional (well it sounds like there’s been several more from the LA) goes in and he does really well with her. Do we celebrate? Do we say that’s amazing DS, pat on the back? No. The line now is well it’s easy for them they just float/ drift in and out and we are stuck with him 7 hours a day and he won’t do anything for us,

I feel poor DS could qualify for mastermind and it wouldn’t be enough.

I’ve heard some stuff tho on the grapevine about others there. A child with dyspraxia, they wouldn’t make any adaptions/ modifications for him, totally unsympathetic. Mum has moved him to another more tolerant MS setting. A child now there with severe dyslexia (private diagnosis) they won’t even read the reports and are taking same view as first child, mum is having to move her.

But their website says they are proud to be so sen supportive etc etc.

My hands are tied as I have DD there but is there anything we can actually do about schools like this or are they just able to squeeze out children as they choose??

I’m not sure what you can do - other than run to be a parent governor if there’s a vacancy.

We had a rubbish night again with ds but he has gone into school for a short while. I am picking him up early because I don't want him going to the Remembrance service at church. He's not settled enough for that yet. Probably for the best seeing how tired he's going to be.

We have tradespeople here again today, hopefully the last day. Can't wait for it to all be finished but it is much needed. It means lots more TV time for ds as we are restricted to only part of the house but there you go. I will try and take him to the park this afternoon at least.

Depending on what kind of MP you have it might be worth trying them @carriebradshawwithlessshoes? Or school governors first if you haven't tried them yet? Difficult with DD there as you say but it seems like it is a clear strategy there to just move on anybody who doesn't completely fit the mould...

carrie it must be hard when you also have dd at the same school (?) and don't want her to be caught up in it all. I would perhaps have a look at their SEND policy and information on the website and if they don't seem to be abiding by it then to point that out to them calmly and in writing.

As far as I know, ds is in school all day. What does he do for that time? He can't be difficult for them all day or they would, presumably, be pushing for a pt timetable?

I don’t think they have cottoned on to PT hours. There’s a child whose behaviour is v challenging and although the Head has suspended him several times (don’t ask…!) he’s never had his hours reduced.

Sounds exciting home renovations Open!!! I’m sure it will be worth the short term pain!