Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

Original poster

Right. I have a question for you all.

65 replies

tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 15:05

I have no direct experience of SN. None. Nada. Zilch.

As a non-SN experienced person, what are the three things that I could do/change in my day to day life that you would most appreciate?

(off the back of my chat thread where I know I used a wrong term for example)

(I hope I don't sound patronising)

OP posts:
zzzzz · 30/01/2013 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 15:43

Thank you.

OP posts:
proudmum74 · 30/01/2013 16:01

Hi - just read your thread in chat & for what it's worth I think the comments you got were unfair. OK, the correct term is probably 'severe development delay', but anyone reading your thread would see you weren't trying to offend.

As background, my DD has Down syndrome and with that comes severe GDD (development is half her age, she cannot walk and has hearing & vision problems), as well as compex health issues.

Back to your question here, you actually sound fairly considerate, so these comments are meant for the general public at large, but what would really help us is:

  1. Please don't stare in public - it's never helpful

  2. Try and see her as the person she is, rather than your assumptions of what that condition means

  3. Don't sympathise with me. I love my DD as she is, I don't wish
    (i) I could make her 'normal'
    (ii) "I'd been given the option to abort her"
    (both genuine comments from random strangers in the street)

  4. Please think about comments before you say them; the one that sticks in my mind is when one person at a soft play centre asked me in all seriousness if I'd ever tried to teach DD to walk Hmm Damn, wish I'd thought of trying to do that first, rather than wasting 3 years on daily physio...Wink

  5. If any of your DC do have a child with SN in their class, you would absolutely make the parent's week by including them on play dates / to any party...

porridgeLover · 30/01/2013 16:08

Yes to what zzzz said... inclusiveness where it counts. At church, in the cub's group, at the children's choir, ensure that the 'difficult' 'odd' 'weird' 'quirky' child is welcomed and accepted for who they are. They will reveal their wonderful sides if given a chance, which they rarely are normally.

Talk to their parents.... we have become used to being sidelined because our children are the way they are. We know that most judge that it has happened because it's our fault aka ''blame the parents''.

Parents social lives revolve around their SN children's needs; but probably more than most we need to get out and have a laugh. No I am not going to cry on anyone's shoulder, or fall apart, or get angry.

proudmum74 · 30/01/2013 16:33

Actually, forget my ones - just go for porridgeLover's 3rd one! Smile

Or better still, offer to babysit for someone with a SN child. I haven't been able to go on a night out with DH since DD was born, and I'm guessing I'm not the only one on this board with that problem...

PolterGoose · 30/01/2013 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolterGoose · 30/01/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:08

Thank you - honestly - I know I used the wrong term on that thread and I won't use it again, it'll be "developmental delay". Is learning disability OK or is it offensive, even if only a little?

I would never let the children stare (although they're older now but I wouldn't have when they were younger) or stare myself and I'd try to be understanding but I'd hate to offend someone or inadvertently (sp?) make their day any harder than it has to be.

OP posts:
ouryve · 30/01/2013 17:09

YY on the party thing. I hear of so many kids with SN upset because they're never invited to parties. DS1 does get invited. He doesn't really interact with anyone there because they all belong in school, not out of school, but he enjoys himself, all the same.

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:15

My kids attended a small rural school and there just wasn't any kids with SN - apart from one child in the class below DD who had developmental delay and some sensory issues (sight and hearing) but since she wasn't in DD's class we weren't really in the position to be inviting or not inviting to a party. If she had been I'd never ever have left her out. That's horrendously cruel that children would be left out like that. Sad

OP posts:
lovethesun1 · 30/01/2013 17:21

The fact you are asking makes me think you are already a kind person. I have just skimmed the other thread & also think you were unfairly attacked. Very few people tread comfortably in a world that they have no experience of. Before I had ds (3.8,gorgeous,globalally delayed) I'm not sure whether I'd have done some of the things that now drive me crazy in other people.

I guess I would say the main things are:

  1. inclusion, & trying to influence those around you to do the same.

  2. try not to assume someone can't or won't want to do something. Its often the case that with a bit if a work around,its possible. & if not,its nice to be asked.

  3. I'm sure you dont,but I hate it when someone I don't even know states the obvious 'oh he's v small' 'oh he's a v late walker' 'his speech is v delayed,do you talk to him' (!!!). Maybe stick with generic conversation-wow,cool coat etc. Sorry if that sounds really daft!

Thank you for asking the question :)

zzzzz · 30/01/2013 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:46

zzzzz - the school has grown in recent years but is still very small (50 pupils) so 10% would only be 5 pupils, and if they weren't in my child's year group, how would I know if they had a non-visible SN? Or actually, even if they were in the same year group, how would I know? The school would hardly tell me would they?

I can promise I will not state the obvious, ask a rude question, leave out an SN child and try to be as inclusive as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:47

Sorry zzzz that last sentence in my first para sounds rude, but I mean would the school tell us? Surely they wouldn't be allowed to?

OP posts:
Mollyweasley · 30/01/2013 17:50

Since my child has been diagnosed with ASD, I never look at screaming children in supermarket the same way because I now know that supermarket can lead to sensory overload and I know that the only thing the parent can do to calm the child is to exit asap. So if a child screams and parents rush, don't think of these parents as bad and the child as naughty. And if you catch yourself staring just give an encouraging smile!

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:53

Oh I had an epic supermarket tantrummer - I remember the tuts from busybody judgeypants people!

OP posts:
Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:54

Which I know isn't the same as having an ASD child I know but that is something I can at least empathise a bit with. Blush

OP posts:
zzzzz · 30/01/2013 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inappropriatelyemployed · 30/01/2013 17:59

I just heard today from DS2 that his friend (they are 7) told him his mum says DS1 is spoilt.

Nice.

He has AS. We do things differently in school at drop off/pick up. She has obviously decided that is indulgence and it is nice of her to share that with her children Hmm

So, in addition to inclusion NOT meaning integration ( we don't all have to be the same), it would be really, really, very nice if people didn't just think it was as easy as 'putting your foot down' - and that goes for some school staff too!

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 17:59

Fair point.

OP posts:
Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 18:04

Sorry - the fair point was to zzzz

OP posts:
theDudesmummy · 30/01/2013 18:18

Don't tell me you feel sorry for me or say "oh what a shame/pity" or even worse "oh how awful", when you hear my child has special needs.

Original poster
tattoosarenotallowed · 30/01/2013 18:20

Do people really say those sorts of things? (Actually from my thread in chat I suppose they do I'm just Shock and Sad)

OP posts:
PolterGoose · 30/01/2013 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverfrog · 30/01/2013 18:37

tattoos, thank you for even trying to tiptoe through what can be perceived to be a minefield.

as to the 'do people really say that?' - someone said to me, when I was pregnant with dd2 'oh, that's nice. now you'll have a chance to be a real mum'. because presumably dd1 is a figment of my imagination Hmm

and then, when pregnant with ds, people said 'oh, it'll be so nice for dd2 to have someone to play with'. because presumably, dd1 is a figment of dd2's imagination too Hmm

as for what you can do - zzzzz came up with a brilliant list. I owuld add - if you see a parent with a child with SN at a gathering, maybe off to one side a bit (either through dealing with child with SN, or because they don"t really know anyone else as they are always a bit on the outside) - please go and talk to them, instead of just joining with the rest of the parents.

I am regularly left out at dd2's school pick up/parents gatherings, because I oftne have dd1 with me. this means we stand alittle out of the way of everyone else, but no one stands with us to talk. we don't bite, or smell. we just have to stand a little to one side as dd1 gets a bit overwhelmed by crowds. it doesn't mean we don't want to talk to anyone.