Is your child the "bully" at school?and how do you cope with it?

[crazygal]

Hi all....
We are going through a tough time at the moment with ds,as/adhd.
He has been branded the 'bully' at school, 12 complaints in all from other parents! and i cant cope with it any longer,its starting to affect my relationship with my son.
Ds is hitting out alot at school,if someone looks at him to long,or stands to close to him,or touches him,ds then reacts with punch these dc in the face,
Teacher has told me of each complaint,which is very upsetting.....
I've spoke to ds about bullying,hitting hurts,senarios,etc,he completely undersatnds every chat we have but when hes in the mist of it,he forgets everything!!(very frustrating)
does anyone eles have this?and how do you deal with it?

His pead thinks that ds is just aspergers,and has sent me out the social communiction form to tick through,alot of the questions,are 'has he ever?'
alot of the questions we feel we could answer 'yes',that he has done things,but he does not do now! so do i answer yes or no?
thank you!

I have had this with DS, you aren't alone, he has 'significant' speech and language delay as well as sensory issues and is being assessed for ASD/Asperger's now and his default reaction when he was upset was (and still is to a lesser extent) to lash out at the person he's upset with, I have had the complaints from other parents and as a result now stand alone waiting to pick him up, also had the discussions etc and he is much the same as your DS, he understands until the heat of the moment then it all gets forgotten.

I'm glad to say that now his speech has improved and after many hours of input from myself and the understanding and patience of his support worker he is slowly beginning to get out of this habit, but it has been and will continue to be a hard slog but it will get better.

As to the questionairre, tick yes if he has ever done them, background information is important but don't be afraid to add anything you feel relevent :)

Hope that helps.

I'm so glad you've both posted this.

I'm having this with my ds ADHD and currently going for ASD assessment, everyday there is some sort of insident, but to make it harder, he can also get the balme for stuff that has happened when he's not been in school that day.

Been to collect him today at teh end of the day and see the Headteacher call him out of class with another boy who he has issues with. It's never fucking ending and I dont know what to do. He's got speach therapy starting tomorrow so I'm hoping thats going to help.

my angel-thank you,yes...patience and lots of deeps breaths!!
I stand alone on the play ground...i don't care about that anymore,stuff them!
i'm so glad you said that about your ds, that he understands everything until the heat of the moment!it was that,that made me wonder id he has aspergers?!
the questionnaire,yes i think the best thing is to tick yes if he has done things,and put in a separate note?

mole poo-we have he same,there's always something...my heart races every time i pick up ds,wondering,whats happened now! never ending as you say!
i hope his speech therapy goes well...my ds doesn't have any speech problems,but still gets very angry.
i'm trying to educate my self on sensory issues now...and if he has any etc.

Sorry about my spelling, I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm slowly loosing the plot.

Crazy, the hardest thing is knowing that there is something wrong, you are trying to deal with it, but it's a constant struggle not just with your kids but with everyone elses too!

It's like that they have the perfect children and never do anything wrong. It's always yours that's in the wrong. I don't even bother going into the playground anymore, I go in through the main reception. I don't talk to anyone, make eye contact with anyone. I now go out of my way to avoid people. I've just had enough.

As for the questionaire, send in seperate notes, even essays if you must, just record EVERYTHING.

don't worry about the spelling!! I've a spell check beside me that carried everywhere!!! i cant spell anything!...its all backwards....

yes the play ground is a stress,we have had 12 complaints since sept so standing there is not nice,i don't know who complained,but to be honest,if someone hit my ds the way he hits theirs,i wouldn't be happy either,i just want them to know about him and that we are not bad parents,that we try dam hard!
i think we will go ahead with that questionnaire this eve and get it in,the teacher also has a more in dept one,so i'm sure they will add up similar

Although DS wasn't quite as reactive he used to hit out if he was hurt as they "had done it on purpose".
Some of it sounds like sensory problems and sensory overload if you think he is ASD/ADHD.
I would be asking school what they are doing to ensure that these incidents do not happen.
possible things to help: he is always at front of queue with teacher/back with TA. He has a separate work station to retreat to in the class if the other children on the table get too much for him.
if a TA notices him getting tense and wound up he is withdrawn from class for a few minutes - a walk around the playground, or sent on an errand to give him a movement break and a release from the classroom environment.
If these things are happening at break times then the school needs to put support in place for these times.
Also Anger management classes - with a TA. DS used various books and websites including this one.
The TA needs to be working with him regularly about alternative strategies for if someone is too close etc and how he can move away, react differently and really be working on it.

Thank you alison222! that link is great......
as for school,i think they want to help,but don't know what to do!
ds has problems lining up,(if someone to close to him or someone skips in front of him etc) he hits and loses it!
i have asked that hes either 1st or last in the que,teacher says,but he needs to learn to line up....and she has the odd day where he will line up fine,
in class when hes angry the ta has been taking him out to talk about whats up etc,
i have asked the school to put him in for a social group,which starts after xmas.
i have also asked that they never leave ds unsupervised!!!! this they are not doing,I mean there are times when hes unsupervised....as ds has told me that hes hurt others and there was no one around!
he was also on a table with one other boy,that ds kept hitting because this boy would touch him be accident,so they have put ds,and this boy on a table with two others....i'm not sure if this is the way forward!
I just feel they are letting us down,ds down and the parents of the other dc down,they also need to be safe at school,and we shouldn't be getting all these complaints because no one was around ds at the time.

My DS had a work station aswell, it benefitted to start with but you have to be careful, it is supposed to be an area that your DC can retire to for a bit of respite from all the noise and clutter, unfortanatley my DS came to see it as his own time out spot as he was being sent there when he got to disruptive, so would not go there volentarily, we are, however, considering it another go this year as it IS effective when done properly.

At the moment he has 'learning breaks' which are pretty much 5 minutes were he leaves the class room to blow off steam when he starts becoming agitated (easy to notice with DS as he starts making random noises or gets arguementative, not the one to suffer in silence my boy )

The most important thing is nipping it in the bud before it gets to the stage where DS lashes out, offering an alternative reaction, such as a learning break, or work station, or even voicing what is troubling DS rather than the instinctive hitting etc.

Basically everything that alison222 has already said :)

Another thing to consider is a contact book, it is horrid to wait to pick up DS with the apprehension of 'has he or hasn't he' but at least with a contact book it can all be logged so you still know whats happening but you don't have to go through being pulled to one side with all eyes on you and if it needs discussing arrange to meet the teacher in the classroom after school or meet a bit before class is due to start.

have you looked on the internet for teaching strategies you can suggest to the school. I found that sometimes this helped.
There is this download from the national autistic society that bits may be useful from,
www.child-autism-parent-cafe.com/autism-students-in-inclusive-classrooms.html
sensory description

send them on http://www.sensoryintegration.org.uk/working-asd-and-it-sensory-or-it-behaviour this course

We had the contact book, but it only works if the teachers actually write in it on a regular basis, ours lasted about 2 weeks then never got written in.

You will need to keep on the teachers back to do this.

hi there polterGoose....yes i remember speaking to you before,and not so long ago,you are absolutely right! i must stop thinking and using the word bully with my son,because he is not!! he cant help it...we were out at fireworks display tonight and he hit a 2/3 yr old standing to close to him...ds said its his own stupid fault for standing there.hes and idiot mam,,,a stupid idiot etc etc....
but that was it tonight,nothing else happened,hes was really good :)
sensory defensive sounds about right,i have a lot to learn about this end of things,sensory has only been mentioned recently to me,and i'm a bit confused to what it really is and if he really has it...
but everything that is being mentioned i can relate to,ie:line up,dc staring,touching,etc....but sometimes he will let people touch him...teacher says that sometimes he will line up,he will sometimes with everything....so does it mean he still has sensory issues??
we have not seen an OT,but our pead has referred us to camhs,as ds has lots of sad suicidal thoughts...
as much as we act out the scenarios and talk things through,and play games all surrounding aggression,ds still hits out...so i'm lost on what to do!
Ive read the explosive child,i loved that book and it helped us with ds to talk things through better,but have not read out of sync,ill go on a hunt for that,thank you...

thank you alison222 for those links!! :)