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SN children

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Original poster

I have wrote my resignation letter because I feel too tired to work anymore

40 replies

OwlLady · 10/10/2012 14:36

and I feel the stress of working and caring is pulling me in all directions and i feel tired, anxious and emotionally and physically ill all the time and I am getting little joy out of anything

Has anyone else done this in order to have a rest? will i never work again?

(I think saintlyjj will come and tell me off now)

OP posts:

bigbluebus · 10/10/2012 14:49

I was only having a conversation yesterday with someone, who asked me if I work. I gave up work 13 years ago due to childcare issues. DD in now nearly 18 and her care needs are no less now than when she was 4. I told the person I was speaking to that I couldn't envisage working any time soon as the stress of trying to juggle care, appointments and all the other crap administration that goes with having a disabled child would probably send me over the edge.
My compromise is that I do voluntary work, so that I have a purpose in life for me, outside of being a carer. The beauty of voluntary work is that I dictate the hours, don't work school holidays, and don't worry if DD is ill and I can't go in.
I wasn't particularly enjoying my job when I resigned, and couldn't believe that I burst into tears when I actually handed my notice letter over. I think it was just the realisation that I couldn't fulfil the career that I thought I had and that I wasn't superhuman.

sallyneedssleep · 10/10/2012 14:49

I didn't go back to work. My nerves are shot. But I'm lucky that I didn't need to ie DS1 didn't need intensive Aba or similar.
Having said that, I'm now at the stage where I'd love to go back. DS1 is older and doing ok. DH now home at a reasonable time every night and DS2 will be 1yr later this month. If he turns out to be nt I think I'll start looking for something. Problem is the flexibility you need when your family isn't quite like everyone else's.

SallyBear · 10/10/2012 14:54

I haven't worked since 1999. DD had huge medical issues when born, still does to a lesser degree but DS4 has non verbal ASD. We agreed that as DH is abroad a lot there is no point in returning to work. I don't know if I'd want to, but I have a friend whose dd is severely disabled and she teaches two days a week. She describes those two days as her respite from being the mum of a disabled child.

Original poster

OwlLady · 10/10/2012 14:56

Yes it's flexibility that is doing me in tbh. I have to work all weekends, and any day my husband has off in order to have 'childcare' It means I am at home when he isn't and he's home when I am not. It means we get no time as a family anymore and whilst it has worked in the past i just don't feel we get enough out of life anymore and it's restrictive enough as it is. I know this is dramatic but I am seriously concerned I am going to burn myself out. Emotionally I feel wretched at appointments and cried at a paed appointment last week.
We have spinal surgery looming and I just cannot cope with it all.

I have no social life whatsoever.

My daughter is 13 btw, not a baby :( her needs just seem to be getting worse and worse too. It's one thing after another and when you have a child with SLD and complex needs you think you are dealing with it all and then something else comes along, like epilepsy, scoliosis or whatever and it's just another thing you have to cope with

I am so self pitying sorry :(

OP posts:

bigbluebus · 10/10/2012 15:24

owl I think you have done briliantly to get as far as your DD being 13 and managing to hold down a job with everything else. You managed 8 yrs longer than I did!!!
There are only 24 hrs in a day and 7 days in a week. Sometimes that is not enough to just deal with everything that goes with having a disabled child in addition to evryday life - never mind adding work into the mix.
If your DD has spinal surgery coming up, then that is going to make life even more difficult surely, whilst she recovers. I guess it all depends if you could manage financially without your income. Finding things to occupy your spare time will be the easy bit!

Chundle · 10/10/2012 15:41

I took volutary redundancy in march 2011 as the stress of it all and appontments were getting too much. I'm considering going back part time now and dh will go part time so we can share the burden! I've enjoyed being at home but its getting too much now and we are getting no support so I need to do something for me

magso · 10/10/2012 15:54

I agree it gets harder as the years go by. I gave up Saturdays for the same reason as you. I also became very ill and am certain the physical stress of 24 hour care, always running from work to pickup, never being able to relax and socialise was a major factor in becoming ill. So well done! In theory I still work one day a week but I am struggling to keep my skills up to date.
I have a friend whose son, now in his mid 20s is happilly living in his own supported flat ( ft carers) and she is back working - in a different field. So never say never.

Original poster

OwlLady · 10/10/2012 16:03

I did wonder whether it might be worth me focusing on my other skills until she goes into adult care, whatever that may be. I have also volunteered at my youngest's school so could do more of that I suppose. I think i have tried for too long really to keep it altogether and I actually think I have conned myself that I am coping. I was ill a couple of weekends ago with a D&V bug (we all had it, urgh) and work behaved as though I had committed some heinous crime and I just know they wont be understanding when it comes to the surgery, i know I shouldn't say this but I really don't think my employers see what I have to do at home, they think I am 'just' a mum iykwim

OP posts:

sallyneedssleep · 10/10/2012 16:11

Gosh! Don't be sorry. That's what this board is here for. My ds1 has AS do life can be pretty restrictive with no possibility of eating out etc but st least we're not dealing with complex medical issues too. If you can afford it and it will make all your lives easier then go for it!

inappropriatelyemployed · 10/10/2012 17:10

I know how you feel. I have just resigned from a post and gone back to freelancing because I need to be able to control the times I work. It breaks my heart in a way because I really wanted the job but it was not a supportive environment.

I am pursuing this with the diversity team as this was a prominent public sector workplace and they should be able to understand that the parents of disabled children have phenomenal stresses.

I like my freelance work but banks don't like freelancers so our mortgage capacity has taken a hit.

I also end up working eves and weekends and I am shattered. Exhausted. And I am fighting on so many fronts, I don't know whether I am coming or going.

I look back to when DS was a baby or toddler and things seemed so, so much easier then

Original poster

OwlLady · 10/10/2012 17:14

I think it's easier to get people to look after them when they are tiny though. I know even up to when my daughter was up to about 6/7 I could still use a normal childminder, even though she was in nappies but I think that was the cut off and i think I was lucky. Now I cannot get anyone to have her, not even her grandparents. It's just us

too right that public sector employees should have understanding workplaces, it's bloody worrying

OP posts:

inappropriatelyemployed · 10/10/2012 17:19

We are the same owllady and it is an intense dynamic to be the only support for a child with disabilities.

Original poster

OwlLady · 10/10/2012 17:30

it is, I find it overwhelming :( and my daughters social worker is beyond useless.

OP posts:

Dev9aug · 10/10/2012 19:54

OP, you have lasted 13 years, I applaud you for it. I barely lasted six months at work after the dx of ASD for ds1(3 now) before going on a career break. I am going back to work part time next week but only now when there is plenty of support in place to support dw.

mariamma · 10/10/2012 23:12

Join a union. Good backup, and lawyer advice, even if your employer doesn't formally recognise them.

mariamma · 10/10/2012 23:13

And you can stay in when unemployed/ at home, which can help with networks, keeping a toe in work-world, being eligible for courses, etc

hk78 · 11/10/2012 13:29

i'm currently on sick leave, have disabled dd and feeling that i am probably going to pack it all in due to similar reasons to all of you above.

good advice about joining/remaining in a union.

chocjunkie · 11/10/2012 14:04

OP, oh I know how you feel. I also work, DD1 has autism (quite severe), and DD2 ist only a toddler. I haven't got family nearby either and work is killing me. I have lost more than a stone last year, I am constantly on the edge?
and having to fight all the SN battles such as statement, DLA etc doesn?t help either. i am up every night several times with both DDs. I am constantly tired and exhausted.

Have talked to the tax credit help line and we are simply much better off if I stay in work so I have no choice but to carry on :(

saintlyjimjams · 11/10/2012 14:10

Hallebloodyleujiah! Now hand it in!!!

I hope to join you one day. ALthough I'd have to resign from myself so I won't need a letter.

:pat on the back: :pours glass of wine: :passes a fig:

saintlyjimjams · 11/10/2012 14:13

oh and inappropriately - I have made the same choice. I keep being asked to apply for research posts and are told they're flexible, but I know they're not flexible enough for me. So freelance/own business it is. And yes evening working sucks.

cornsconkers · 11/10/2012 16:20

I'm also on the verge of handing my notice in. The stress of having to be at work at a certain time ( even tho i'm part-time) but having to have ds at school before then is not good.
Does anyone know - do I have to wait for the next tax year to claim carers as I've been working?

cornsconkers · 11/10/2012 16:23

I also work in public sector - they mostly don't give a shit about your home life, as long as they can squeeze what they can out of you..

inappropriatelyemployed · 11/10/2012 16:56

Corn, sorry things are so crap for you. I think it depends on how much you have earned this tax year.

chocjunkie · 11/10/2012 17:00

Corn, carers allowance does not depend on what you have earned over the tax year. It is a weekly benefit and you should get it as soon as you leave work (provided your DC gets Dla at MCR or HCR).

TheLightPassenger · 11/10/2012 17:29

if you are who I think you are, as I recall you work in a particularly unforgiving sector with regard to demands/flexibility, and completely understand why it's too much, particularly if you and DH are ships in the night as it were. Hope you feel better soon.

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