This is a moan alert, sorry it is so long
Sorry, just needed to off load
I am just so tired and fed up (not even half term yet!!)
I just want a full nights sleep and don't see any end to al this, no light at the end of the tunnel. Our night times have been and could be a lot worse. Ellie used to scream so much at night and banged on the walls so there was blood on them in the end. We used to put her back to bed but gave in and at some point she will come in with us. Not ideal but I need some sleep.
But I can't see this changing. When she is 10? 15? is she going to be coming into our bed at 1.30am?
Then she can be wide awake from 5. I realise a lot of you have it a lot worse so I am sorry for going on.
But I struggle to cope as it is and I can't carry on day to day after being awake so early. The worst thing is she is so wide awake. So she yanks on my Face ("I need Mummy, I need Mummy") and moves round so much that she ends up hurting me, but not on purpose.
I am so tired that I then can't deal with her at all and end up getting so cross. She comes out with stuff that doesn't make sense. She just wants to talk to me but doesn't always have the correct words to say. So I get asked again and again and again questions that don't make sense. Sounds really stupid but it cracks me up. This is 5 in the morning!
I sat and cried the other day and said to DH "I don't want a SN Child, I just want another child like Grace" Obviously it goes without saying I love Ellie lots.
Just feel so haggard. I know I look terrible, part of me doesn't care anymore. I comfort eat, my face is lined and haggard that I look so much older than 34 and it is not fair.
Some Parents of SN children were talking the other day about High School and beyond. I was on the verge of filling up. Didn't want to even think about it.
I know I am going to be 60 (if I make it!!) and have Ellie with us 24/7 . I sound so awful and it is not her fault and I love her so much. But is this it? My life consists of seeing to the girls, lack of sleep, shattered and I see no light at the end of the tunnel
I also know it could have been much worse. Ellie was supposed to be left severely brain damaged after her illness so I know we are fortunate. But I don't feel it
I am sorry to off load on you all. I just really needed to tell somebody how I am feeling
Thanks so much