'D' H has been having an affair.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

I've got a (long) thread in relationships if anyone has an hour to spare! Link here But in short, H has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I finally found out this morning after 3 weeks of him denying it, and I've asked him to leave. Just need some hugs from my SN friends.

Isn't it funny how they always try to justify their appalling behaviour by blaming their spouse. Easier to pass the buck and alleviate their own feelings of guilt at their untrustworthiness.
We always agreed that if we got to that stage we would end things with each other before embarking on any new relationship. It's just a matter of respect really I think.
Now I've just ended things but not at all cos I want anyone else, God help me, the last thing I need to complicate things further. I just want peace now. Think I must be getting old!
But as women we are stronger and will survive the shite life throws at us. And like you say Sc13, if we can survive our kids diagnosis' and their disabilities we can survive anything!

Oh Ellen, I am so sorry. How dreadful for you and the children. I can echo others who have commented on the wonderful advice and support you have shown me. Your posts are always compassionate, supportive and practical.

Some men just can't grow up emotionally but I know this must be terribly emotionally painful. I hope you can keep strong and see what a mature and wise woman you are.

I am lucky to be getting some great support on here and in RL also. I am getting stronger by the minute. Three weeks of thinking it was all my fault and that I had failed at the biggest thing in my life was absolutely awful. This tawdry affair has made me feel actually much happier, as now I can think it's all his fault (for a while at least.) I will survive, as the song goes.

SC13, I hope you can get to a good place. Dickhead (as I now call him) has made it abundantly clear that any talk of counselling was just to keep me sweet and that he never intended staying with me, so I have thrown him out with a clear conscience. Your case does sound different, you know about the affair and he's still talking about counselling. It may be that the counselling will help you stay together or help you decide to separate. Really good luck, darling.

Ellen, sorry to hear your H has been such a wanker.

Stay strong for yourself and your boys.

Glad to hear you are getting a lot of support.

Just seen this and I am so sorry that you and your boys will have to deal with this. But you will come through it.

Dickhead is a great epithet by the way.

How old are dc - as their opinion will be very much taken into account, ultimately a family CRT will base decision largely on what they say.
Now, do you need thumb screws? Medieval torture tools? A dentist with an attitude for the AH (arsehole husband)

Thanks again, everyone, I'll take thumb screws and insults to dickhead and keep them for later.

Boys are nearly 14 (NT) nearly 12 (ASD) and 9, (quirky!) I think only DS1's views will be definitely sought and acted on by the courts. I'm hoping it won't come to that.

Thanks Justa, I suppose I was including my family as part of my marriage and you are right, I certainly haven't failed them.

Oh ellen

When I saw this OP on the SN board I had an awful feeling it would be from you after a post some weeks ago about your h saying he wasnt happy -what a fucking tawdry and obvious excuse

He is a total and utter bastard And that bitch woman sounds like a real catch!

You havent failed anyone !!! Your h is the failure, as a man, h and father.

Am amazed by your strength...thinking of you x

I'm so sorry.
Stay strong, hold your head high, and don't let him have more than weekend access.

I went through something similar (although lesser really because we only had one baby and hadn't been together as long) with dd1's twatty dad. Perhaps I could have forgiven the affair, but all the lies and telling me I was paranoid due to pnd (actually letting me believe I was going totally crazy) rather than be honest with me, that I could never forgive.

Oh God.... That's shite. Hugs and for later.

all my sympathy, i would be demanding that access should be for him alone for a set period esp with a child with ASD. Stay strong and show him what he has lost.

I'm getting a lot of strength from your posts, thank you all.

I'm definitely not making any decisions about access in the next few days. He's had months to think about it, I've had a few weeks. To begin with everything must be kept as normal as possible, and that means living in their home.

He was trying to blame me entirely for his 'unhappiness' I reckon, to get me feeling guilty and prepared to allow him as much access as possible. But not more than a week per fortnight, of course, otherwise when could he shag his tart?

You could ask about some family counselling to help the boys adjust and maybe back you on the idea of taking things slowly rather than jumping into new arrangements. My friend's 2 kids (not SN) saw the mediator / counsellor on their own a few times and found that helpful. Sometimes it can be good for them to feel they can talk to someone other than Mum and Dad. But just because he has clearly moved on mentally doesn't mean that you and the children should be rushed. Also talk to the school, our school was excellent with my friends children and the teachers made themselves available for the older boy who had some behavioural problems last year to talk. She took the boys out of school during the immediate break up and the school were very supportive of their need to be together and have some time away from prying eyes to take it all in. There is support out there.

He was trying to blame me entirely for his 'unhappiness'

That's ridiculous. You might've pissed him off but happiness is within you; you can't expect other people to be put on this earth just to make you happy is what I mean, so that's another lame excuse on his part innit.

EJ haven't been around much over the past few weeks. Really sorry to hear what's been happening at home; gutted for you. Don't let this eat you up, you have had wonderful advice on here, you are a good person who deserves to be adored by someone and whatever is going on with hubby atm is his stuff, don't get inside his head, it's not healthy there. You, however, are a very intelligent, resourceful and resilient woman, he is a fool x

So sorry that you're going through this ellen. So unfair of him to make you feel it was your fault.
You have to be single minded about pursuing what is right for you. Accept no guilt bullshit. Happy mother happy kids.
Hugs

So sorry that you're going through this ellen. So unfair of him to make you feel it was your fault.
You have to be single minded about pursuing what is right for you. Accept no guilt bullshit. Happy mother happy kids.
Hugs

So sorry you are going through this.

Found out H having affair 2 years ago. Have AS son then of 5 and now 7.

It isnt easy but it will get gradually better for all of you.

I would echo making him come to your place to see son in week. And we did a short weekend too with H where DCs picked up on Saturday morning and returned Sunday night. I think an AS child needs a very definite one home. My DS has adjusted well to his weekend away and has been happy to go. He is unhappy that he doesnt see his father more but father due to work/inclination doesnt want any more.

DO get all the support you can -do tell people what is going on and look after yourself and be kind to yourself!

Ellen, thinking of you. . . X

Ellen, so sorry to hear this. Glad you are staying strong and hope things improve for you soon.

I'm coping. DS1 has taken it hard, but DS2 and 3 are young and autistic enough not to be too upset.

EllenJane, really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Don't know what else to say, will light a candle for you all (if that's ok).