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Original poster

'D' H has been having an affair.

102 replies

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 07/09/2011 18:44

I've got a (long) thread in relationships if anyone has an hour to spare! Link here But in short, H has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I finally found out this morning after 3 weeks of him denying it, and I've asked him to leave. Sad Sad Just need some hugs from my SN friends.

OP posts:
intothewest · 07/09/2011 22:28

Just seen this ,Ellen (I read your thread) So sorry it turned out this way.

You WILL get through it,although it must be hell at the moment.

Sending hugs and best wishes to you and your DCs Sad

lostinwales · 07/09/2011 22:36

Oh bollocks EllenJane

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 07/09/2011 22:45

Yes, he's a complete wanker. Unfortunately he's also a very good dad, so I'm a bit confused. But he wasn't thinking of my boys when he was doing this. I'll get through it, he's not exactly been good company for ages so I'm not missing much.

OP posts:
coff33pot · 07/09/2011 22:50

Angry ok read your thread and he is a bastard.

Repeat after me............I did not deserve to live a lie, I am worth a million to him, I have beautiful DCs that love me and I have done everything for. I can and will do this on my own and I dont need a cruel deceiving shit like him anywhere near me.

I am really sorry mate xxxxx

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 07/09/2011 22:56

............I did not deserve to live a lie, I am worth a million to him, I have beautiful DCs that love me and I have done everything for. I can and will do this on my own and I dont need a cruel deceiving shit like him anywhere near me.

Grin
OP posts:
intothewest · 07/09/2011 23:04

We'll all repeat it with you !!! Smile

bialystockandbloom · 07/09/2011 23:07

Ellen I've been away from the board for a while so only just seen this, and caught up on your other thread. So sorry Sad

What a shit he is, and a dickhead. How appalling of him to make you feel like the problems were because of you Angry

You sound extremely level-headed and definitely being the bigger person here - all credit to you.

The only advice I'd offer is don't be rushed into making any arrangements re children until you're sure you're completely calm and can make clear rational decisions - and have taken good legal advice.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs.

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 07/09/2011 23:12

Thanks. I don't know what's the best re custody/access, certainly, so I'll get advice on that as well as finances etc. My gut feeling is that they should have one home, this one, for stability and security and can visit dickhead fairly often and stay over at alternate weekends. Not the easiest solution for me, but maybe best for the boys.

OP posts:
coff33pot · 07/09/2011 23:14

Grin as they say "you got it kid! Grin

Now.........everytime you feel just slightly out of sync before you do or say anything go to the bathroom and repeat that THEN deal with what you have to deal with.

You got us in virtual world and you got your DCs to occupy your time. Think of him as a...........blip. Sort the blip out and new life new you will start. I know there are lots to sort but just think in your head "just a blip" you fought to help your DCs.....this is pussycat stuff ok? (smile)

coff33pot · 07/09/2011 23:20

With the custody business I would say because this has just happened he is moving way too fast for anything rational to be sorted. Just tell him the kids need time to absorb the change first of him not being there so yes visit but no to who stays with who till you know the kids can cope, tell him this is temporary till both you and the kids get their heads around it before you change their routine again and if he was any sort of dad (at the moment he just crap husband) he will take it on board on their behalf. I would suggest a meeting with an arbritrator (something like that LOL) that can help you sort this out amicably, but in YOUR own good time not his.

messmonster · 07/09/2011 23:20

I don't know you EllenJane but you have helped me on a thread or two and I've seen you give amazing support to many, many others on this board (I'm a serial luker!). You've always taken time out to reassure others and provide encouragement and support. I'm sure this will be repaid on here. I'm so sorry you're going through this and really hope that you can get things sorted to suit yourself and your DC.

Keep strong. x

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 07/09/2011 23:30

Cheers, me dears. Everyone's been lovely tonight.

OP posts:
Firsttimer7259 · 08/09/2011 00:14

Hi, you've been a source of really good advice for me on this board.

Im really rooting for you. I know what its like when a relationship 'suddenly' unravels. Its horrible, but remember you will get through it. You will also find (after some time) that you can see more clearly about things once you are out of a relationship thats run its course. Sounds on your other thread like you've been down on yourself and I suspect much of that wasn't your fault. more that he's been a dodgy fucker and you have been losing your temper to try to get through to him

Wine chin up.

I will be watching out for you on here x

dietstartstmoz · 08/09/2011 06:40

Hi EllenJane,
Just wanted to say I have been thinking about you and sending you another MN hug this morning. I agree with what the others have said, you have wonderful DC who love you, and you will be able to make a life for yourself and them, and your H can still be their father. Assuming you will stay at your job, phone tax credits asap to start to get your finances sorted.
You will be able to do this, good days and bad days and all that but you WILL be ok, and you have MN to hold your hand along the way.

unpa1dcar3r · 08/09/2011 08:46

Hi EJ
How are you today?

Don't forget to repeat what Coffee says; look in the mirror and say it like a mantra.
Women tend to be the stronger ones in diversity so you will be ok, he may well regret his choices but that's not your problem right now.
Try and keep calm in front of the kids if possible. I expect you are anyway cos clearly you are the one here thinking of them and their welfare!
I would suggest that it is way too soon for them to be going from one place to another anyway, they need time to adjust to dad not being there first before any sort of access is sorted.
A solicitor will help you with this plus your financial status, and his contributions to the children/home etc.

LollipopViolet · 08/09/2011 12:22

Oh Ellen, I'm so sorry :(

((((hug))))

Original poster
EllenJaneisnotmyname · 08/09/2011 12:32

Hi, he came around this morning to get a few more things and discuss what we are going to say to the kids. He did apologise for saying that he didn't care about my feelings, yesterday. I tried to be matter of fact with him but still ended up in tears talking and thinking about the kids' reactions. As soon as he had gone I went to see a neighbour as I couldn't face being on my own. She was lovely and expressed her amazement at it all. They really like H and think it seems totally out of character, which is pretty much my feeling on it. But out of character or not, he has still had regular sex with another woman.

OP posts:
Triggles · 08/09/2011 12:53

Oh no Ellen - I just saw this thread! So sorry! Anytime you want to get together, you can feel free to eat cake and vent. I'll leave it up to you, but thinking of you.

tryingtokeepintune · 08/09/2011 13:02

So sorry to hear that EJ. Do take care of yourself.

moosemama · 08/09/2011 13:05

Ellen, its one thing to say he's sorry for saying he didn't care about your feelings, but if he did care - he wouldn't have done it. Honestly what an utter pig!

Hope you manage to get through the rest of the day ok - be kind to yourself and feel free to come and vent if you need to.

auntevil · 08/09/2011 13:51

again today ellen - and everyday that you have these conversations that need to be had, however hard they may be. You have your virtual army of support behind you each time - and gin in the cupboard for later! Smile
Hope you've posted your mantra somewhere you keep seeing it!

unpa1dcar3r · 08/09/2011 15:21

The pain you feel now will fade my lovely. Promise.
My ex ran off with my so called best friend leaving me with a 7 month old. This was many years ago and at the time I thought I would die for ages...and he was bloody awful to me too, nearly sent me bonkers with his vitriol.
But hey ho, what goes around comes around, she hates him and wants a divorce, he's got nowt, his kids hate him, and I got sooo much in my life; family, friends and a beautiful home.
So who's laughing now Huh!!!!
Chin up gel, you're a toughy and you WILL get through this nasty phase in your life...

unpa1dcar3r · 08/09/2011 15:22

Oh and to add I wouldn't touch him with someone elses bargepole!!!!

sickofsocalledexperts · 08/09/2011 15:52

A close of friend of mine had an affair with a married man (she's not proud of it) but I thought her story might help. She and the man had been having a similar length of affair - 6 months - with loads of exciting sex and secret rendezvous. After much to-ing and fro-ing, including her ending it several times, he decided he would leave his wife. Lots of crisis talks and drama, eventually they moved into a flat together. At which point, they really finally got to know each other - with no fancy dinners or excited "must be quick but passionate" sex. She found out that actually living with him was hell - they were completely incompatible and he had several very annoying habits and routines that drove her mad within 3 weeks. He went back to his wife, tail between legs. She found herself alone and homeless (had sold flat to move in with him). Just saying... let's hope H is hacking into your account.

sc13 · 08/09/2011 17:37

I have been lurking rather than posting recently, so I'm a bit of a stranger really, but I just wanted to say how much your post (and the long one too!) resonated with me. My DH is also having an affair, and wants to leave. We have one DS, 5, with ASD. Despite being the one with the OW, he's been accusing me of criticizing him, neglecting him, not being interested in him, etc.
I have persuaded 'D'H to start couple counselling, which we should hopefully start soon. I don't know if it's going to be any use, but your post has given me more courage to break up if it comes to that. You're very brave, and you deserve better - tbh having survived DS's pre-dx and dx, mostly thanks to MN, and having reached a good place as far as DS is concerned now, I don't think even DH leaving is going to break me. A big hug, I hope things get better