Help - What is wrong with my child & what can I do - sure he will be excluded or dead soon...

[oliandjoesmum]

I haven't posetd on here for a couple of years now, but if you are interested in the background I guess you can search on my nickname. I am not sure how to do links??
Anyway, my eldest DS is now 8. His behaviour is so extreme, I have no idea how to cope any more. He was recently moved to a larger school for year 3 because we thought he would manage better there, and his brother (4 - in reception) wanted to go there. His violent outbursts got worse and worse (hitting/ biting/ trying to stab a child with a pencil), and his depression and self harming attempts (biting himself/ hitting himself with heavy objects/ scratching/ pulling hair out) also escalated. I eventually had to take him out the day I found him running around the school screaming his head off and unable to even recognise me (no teacher with him). I think he found the size/ sensory overload/ social demands of the school too much.
He is now at another smaller school (the school he had left) part time, but he is so withdrawn and suicidal. He can't look at people, he puts his coat over his head when walking in to school. He can only manage two hours a day, and certainly no lunchtimes.He has violent outbursts at home, kicking and throwing, and he hides under tables/ beds etc. I also have a 4yo and 1 yo to care for, and a part time job.
The other parents are being horrendous, the gossip is atrocious. My son is undergoing an ASD diagnosis, he quite clearly is mentally disturbed, and he can't help his actions. However people are saying I don't care, that I am cold and rude (I am actually acutely depressed, and unable to cope with the playground anymore). They have also started chinese whispers that my 4yo is 'naughty'(he isn't, right perfect peter) to paint me further as a bad mother.
I am in constant conversations with educational psychologist, CAMHS, CASADT, consultant, head teacher etc etc, what more can I do?? Nothing ever actually seems to happen, mental health process seems to be a complete nightmare.
Have applied for IPF, really hoping this might help, but really, I don't know what to do. Is this ASD/ conduct disorder/ ADHD?? I just don't know. I am at breaking point and having panic attacks frequently about him being excluded/ taken in to care. The other mothers have no idea, they say 'we/him are not punished enough' for his behavoiur, they have no idea of the hell. I need some help, but I don't know where else to turn....

Mass hugs and sympathy for you and your family in this situation. there is nowt worse than the ringleaders at the school gate. If your DS really has to keep going to this school (? how quickly would the educational welfare take action if you just stopped taking him?? you have to wonder) is it worth speaking to the Head about them doing a meeting with the other parents in the class? This is exactly what happened in a similar situation in DDs lower school a few years ago. A girl arrived mid term, having been moved from another local school. It was clear that she had real problems, quite violent at times. The school explained to the children in the class and most of them were very very understanding, as kids can be. Initially due to confidentiality the school would not discuss with parents. However, the mother went to the Head, explained the stress she was under and asked for intervention. The head did a meeting with all the parents in the class ( mother did not attend understandably) and she explained what they were doing ( waiting for a statement), explained Mums stress and pointed out that it was a matter of luck, not nuture as to whether you had a child with severe SEN. This stopped it in its tracks ( one parent took their child out of the school). Head reinforced all possible actions. Not perfect but i reckon communication is the absolute key.

I have no experience but wanted to post to say howe very sorry i am that you are going through all this. School sounds just too painful for him tbh and i doubt the staff have the ability to cope and keep him and the other kids safe. i agree with the other posters who said to take him out and concentrate on keepoing him calm and concentrate energies into kicking up a fuss.

I know it sounds extreme but what about contacting your MP or local councillor or even local newspapaer. they can often get things done/move beaurocracy in ways other efforts can't.