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Original poster

Very violent 5yr old boy

145 replies

Violentson · 27/12/2020 02:03

My son has pretty severe asd and is very speech delayed. His violence has now come to the point i can no longer cope and i fear for his future. He pushed my 18m so hard onto the floor his nose started to bleed today. He bites kicks slaps. His new favourite is biting my hair and putting his hands around my neck. We all have brusies cuts etc from him. This stuff happens 10+ times a day. He didn't start school this year as hes not ready but will in August. So hes in a nursery 2x a week. Hes just as bad there. I cant take him out as he hurts anyone he sees or animal's.
Hes a psychopath as all he does is laugh he hes made someone cry or bleed even.
We have alot of professionals trying to help but even they are struggling to find a solution.
Im lost and scared
I don't know what to do anyone

OP posts:
htbzllhcR · 27/12/2020 03:40

I'm sorry things are so hard, OP. I'm afraid I have no advice but I didn't want to read and run.

I just thought, you might be able to get more targeted help if you copy and paste this post in the "Behaviour / Development" section in the parenting chat rather than in this AIBU ("am I being unreasonable") category. Here's the link to that area on Mumsnet: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development

Good luck, and I'm sorry I don't have any help to offer.

Sinful8 · 27/12/2020 04:03

Given the 18m is in danger now is there a residential solution for his care?

alexdgr8 · 27/12/2020 04:07

you need to keep the younger child safe.
the 5 year old needs to be somewhere else. he is out of control.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 04:12

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, but your post made me remember an artcle I read several months ago, (could be even a year ago or more, this year has made things bleed together).

The article was about explosive rage in children caused by gluten, related to coeliac disease.

alexdgr8 · 27/12/2020 04:13

sorry, i don't know how these things work, but he needs to be in a specialist residential unit, at least until there is some improvement in his behaviour, or the younger child can defend himself.
it's bad enough that you are subjected to such violence, but an 18 month old is totally helpless in comparison. he has a right to be safe in his own home, else he will resent you when he is older. it is a very difficult situation.
can you appeal to childrens' services, on the grounds that the younger child is at risk, ie it is a safe-guarding matter.

Sinful8 · 27/12/2020 04:15

@Aquamarine1029

I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, but your post made me remember an artcle I read several months ago, (could be even a year ago or more, this year has made things bleed together).

The article was about explosive rage in children caused by gluten, related to coeliac disease.

HmmHmm
Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2020 04:16

Fuxk... Accidently posted too soon.

"People with celiac disease have a real and often severe reaction to eating gluten, which is found in wheat, barley and rye. Some people who aren’t diagnosable as having celiac may still be sensitive to gluten, and it is possible that a child sensitive to gluten could struggle with behavior issues as a result. Aggression in a child can be troubling, especially if it seems to go beyond the typical frustrations or outbursts. Research is still mixed, but there just may be a connection between aggressive behaviors and gluten in the diet."

mkfa.info/blog/is-there-a-link-between-gluten-and-aggression-in-children

Of course I don't know if this could be at the root of your son's aggression, but what you wrote reminded me completely of what other parents in the article I read are dealing with. The article I linked above was not the original article I read.

Perhaps this is an angle you could explore.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 27/12/2020 04:17

He could kill your other DC. I agree with others, he needs to be in a special residential unit. I would be calling the police next time he acts up this way and insist they call social services and advise that you aren't willing to keep him at home anymore.

Clackyheels · 27/12/2020 04:26

Whoah! People are very quick to suggest residential without thinking about the reality of this!

It's really difficult to find a residential placement, but speak to the specialists about it if you feel this maybe an option in the future. It's really difficult when you are in the situation, but behaviour with autism is a form of communication. Is he after attention/hungry/upset about recent changes/ hearing people talk negatively about him? It could be many things.

He really needs to be in a special school. They will be able to give you much more support and advise tailored to him. Plus the break during the day. Why isn't he in school?

I'm so sorry you are at this point. It must be really hard. I hope you get some help soon Flowers

Clackyheels · 27/12/2020 04:26

P.s. calling the police on a 5 year old child who has ASD is a ridiculous suggestion.

PlainHonesty · 27/12/2020 04:31

Sorry to read about your predicament. It's not your fault or the 5 year-old's. I have no helpful suggestions apart from seeking professional help.

victoriaspongecake · 27/12/2020 04:43

The child is 5 years old and has a medical condition. He is not a psychopath. He has autism and is struggling to communicate his needs.
Get in touch ASAP with your child’s social worker and other professionals involved and ask for more help learning how to deal with him and to keep your other child safe.
Also look online to see if Homestart operate in your area.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 27/12/2020 05:02

@Clackyheels

P.s. calling the police on a 5 year old child who has ASD is a ridiculous suggestion.
No it is not a ridiculous suggestion. The police wouldn't be coming to arrest him you know? 🙄 Should his behaviour become completely unmanageable to the point where the safety of another human being is at risk, the police are always there to provide assistance.

My mother contacted social services time and time again about my own brothers behaviour as a child, she wasn't really given much help at all. On one occasion, he was so out of control that she had to call the police to prevent him from inflicting serious harm on other members of the family. Following this, SS seemed to step up and realise the seriousness of the situation.

You do realise that the police are there for more than arresting criminals don't you? They are there for a myriad of issues; folk having immediate crisis of mental health, missing persons...etc etc.

Taikoo · 27/12/2020 05:03

He needs to be in residential care.

MinnieJackson · 27/12/2020 05:12

Jesus he doesn't need to go to residential care! It might not feel like it but you're his anchor mama! How's speech etc?it's so frustrating for us but must be hell or them!

Ohdofuckofdear · 27/12/2020 05:17

You mention that he's very delayed in his speach this can cause anxiety and frustration in a child that is NT and can cause explosive episodes of anger add into that the autism and it makes for an even more extreme reaction,are you getting any help with his speech delay? Has anyone that's working with your family suggested using sign language for your son? In some cases it can really help.

Saltn · 27/12/2020 05:21

Has he got an EHCP? Sounds like he should.

Taikoo · 27/12/2020 05:26

@MinnieJackson

Jesus he doesn't need to go to residential care! It might not feel like it but you're his anchor mama! How's speech etc?it's so frustrating for us but must be hell or them!
We'll have to agree to disagree on that one, then.
SuperCaliFragalistic · 27/12/2020 05:35

You definitely need to keep the little one safe and I think the mention above if a specialist school placement is good. I really would be looking at all possible options before putting a 5 year old in residential care however.

LutinDeSapin · 27/12/2020 06:03

I'm not sure how all those going on about residential care think it's going to happen. She gives a call and they come and pick him up Hmm

In the short term, all you can do is ensure that one child is with an adult every waking second of the day.

What does your DS like, what's he interested in? Is there anything you can use to motivate him or discipline him?

Is there a safe place for your youngest to play in where DS is not allowed? If not, you need to organise something ASAP.

Does your DS have something he is allowed to vent his frustration on? Give him a cushion that he is allowed to hit when he is angry or frustrated.

Do you have picture cards that he could point to to help him communicate?

If he needs something in his hands, could a stress ball help calm him?

OverTheRainbow88 · 27/12/2020 06:05

I would try and focus on on his speech, get ways to communicate. Must be so frustrating for him to not be understood and that can result in lashing out.

My 4 year old has speech issues and I can see it makes him so frustrated when other children don’t understand what he’s saying when he’s trying to join in. Other kids don’t understand what he’s saying but to him it’s really obvious.

As an adult I would also get frustrated if I was trying to be social or if I wanted something but no one knew... but as an adult without extra needs as such I know not to be violent.

It sounds like a really tough situation, is there anyway you can increase his nursery hours to give yourself and youngest more of a break?

sproutsnbacon · 27/12/2020 06:10

I have an nt 3 year old wth speech delay and the frustration he feels when we can’t understand. It’s all there is their head but they’ve no way of getting it out. I don’t think residential care would be the best option I think he’d feel abandoned and even more frustrated and upset.
Will they give you a place at a specialist day school? With transport and being at school he willl be out for the majority of the day. Is there a local special families charity near you (there is with area as the first part of the name near us) they will help with advice, benefits and caters. He should be eligible for benefits which you can use to pay for some carers. Some charities offer respite services I know Covid is causing issues with these services but it’s another thing to look into.
Try and find parents in your area who have been in your position as they will know the short cuts to more help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2020 06:21

Are there any specialist schools around? I know it is terribly difficult to get into one.

Saltn · 27/12/2020 06:30

OP, you will need an EHCP to access a special school. PM if you want information as my son has one so I can tell you how to start.

Illberidingshotgun · 27/12/2020 06:38

What form of communication do you use with him? Signing, PECS, visual stories? This behaviour is likely to be borne out of frustration at not being able to communicate his needs and wishes. Is he under SALT?

Is he on any medication? Some can lead to an increase in difficult behaviour.

Does he have a social worker from the disabled children's team? You will need one to access any kind of respite. PPs have mentioned residential care, but this is likely to be unavailable (and I would question if it is even appropriate even if available). However you can be assessed for short term respite, this can be direct payments to employ someone to take him out for a few hours a week, or overnight respite (in our area a night every fortnight). My son has both. If you don't have a SW yet then you can refer yourselves. However given the current situation and the risks to your younger DC, I would be raising a safeguarding alert (details on LA website) in order to access assessments and support. A SW will not swoop in a take your children away, but will look at what is available to help your family and keep you all safe. I know that support is patchy and hugely underfunded, and unfortunately you have to be vocal about the risks, and about not coping in order to be heard.

Other than that, do you have contact with SN groups in your area? Sometimes just talking to someone who can understand what you are going through can be hugely beneficial.