To give up on my son's school?

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

My 8 year old DS has severe behavioural problems at school. In the past 2 years he has been excluded more times than I can count, been put on a reduced timetable once for 3 months and recently again for an indefinite period (so he's currently excluded every Friday)

His reception year at school was fine but when he moved into year 1, the problems started. We relocated due to my work and he moved school when he was at the end of year 1 and things really began to deteriorate.

He had a bad start due to racial bullying which I don't feel the school took seriously and as his behaviour became worse, they resorted to locking him in a small room until he calmed down but would often leave him there until I came to collect him even when he had calmed down.

I fought to get him into a better school which was run by the same head teacher where his older brother attends and for the first term his behaviour improved dramatically. However, over the last year we seem to be back to where we started.

The most recent incident was yesterday where he left school premises (he's never done this before) and the school rang the police. They only called me after he had gone back into school and said they called the police as they are unable to follow him when he leaves school grounds. The police never came so basically if he does this again they will leave my 8 year old son to wander around a busy main road until the police arrive.

I feel at my wits end and I don't know how things can move forward. I have had so many meetings with the school to try and manage his behaviour. He has a teaching assistant and he is extremely fond of his current class teacher but his behaviour deteriorates if neither of them are in school (like yesterday when both were at sports day all day). Next year will be horrendous as he already doesn't like his new teacher for year 4.

I've tried to get him referred to CAHMS several times through both the school and GP but these have led nowhere. His main problems seems to be about becoming frustrated if he can't do his work or if he is told off for something that he feels is unjust (like being told off for talking in class when it wasn't him talking) This leads to him either completely shutting down and becoming mute for hours on end or become destructive and swearing at teachers.

At home he is generally well behaved but we have a very close relationship and I have learned how to ask him to do things in a way that avoids conflict and if things escalate then I know how to calm him down and he always accepts his punishments (e.g losing his electrics, pocket money, can't go to football etc)

I recently had a meeting with someone from parent partnership who attended a meeting with the head and she agreed that some of the things the school were doing were not helpful (e.g if my son walked off they would tell him he's going to a PRU or back to the previous school for which they also run).

He has witnessed DV when he was very young from his father (who is now in prison and he no longer sees) and i found out last year that their father was emotionally abusing him and his brothers (which never made it to trial).

I have asked for counselling but nowhere can provide it for free so my only option is private which I can't afford. The school made a referral to a charity for young carers (after me pushing for a year to try and find an organisation that can help him) but they only offer an outing after school every fortnight and it really isn't set up for children like my son who have behavioural issues.

I've been to CAHMS in the past and done the 6 week parenting course but like I say, his behaviour at home isn't the issue and CAHMS won't deal with behavioural problems.

I feel like the school has given up on him and labelled our family as 'one of those families'. They are extremely patronising to me (comments such as 'well you do so well getting them to school looking clean' etc.)

Not that it should make a difference to how we are judged but although I am a single parent, I have always worked, have a high level of education and am in a professional career but they still seem to treat me like I'm some silly single mother who has messed up her child and assume I'm at home on benefits.

Sorry for the long post but I really do not know where to go from here. Should I move his school for a third time to one not affiliated with this one or leave my son in a school not able to manage his behaviour and potentially letting him leave the premises and not be followed.

Where do I stand legally with their position on this? Surely they have a duty of care to ensure he is safe during school hours and if they cannot manage that then they should call me immediately so I can intervene.

I am so exhausted and upset by this situation

As for unofficial exclusions, I contacted the council exclusions officer and he found what they are doing perfectly acceptable. Also, woman from safeguarding who acknowledged that this 'wasn't in her remit but no one else covers it so she'll look into it' made no findings. They call it a 'reduced timetable' and try and sell me the story that it looks better on my son's 'record' if not formally excluded.

Who do I escalate informal exclusions to and are reduced timetables legal? I can't even plan my working pattern as I have no idea when he's allowed back FT

The problem isn't school. The problem is your child's response to school and the school situation. I expect the school have done everything they can. The head won't be telling you 'with joy' that all the complaints are about your son. He/she is telling you that so that you can see how badly he is coping with school. I think it's very unfair of CAMHS to say they won't deal with behaviour issues (I read this in a post upthread - is that right?) as your poor boy's behaviour is clearly indicative of some mental distress. When it gets right down to it, most mainstream schools are not set up for, and don't have the budget for, anything other than teaching in classes of 30 to children who can cope with being in classes of 30... I would suggest you look for a PRU where your son will be in a very small class (5 or 6) with a larger number of adults there to look after his needs.

You can apply for an EHCP under grounds of emotional and behavioural difficulties. If they refuse you can appeal - check out the sen boards. He could have ODD but at home it's not as apparent due to you working wih him.

I'd also be seeking legal advice in the exclusions

Argh! NO. NO. NO.

If your son needs excluding it's actually really important that IS official, because if he needs a change in provision, the exclusions illustrate a pattern of him not coping.

Reduced timetables are NOT generally ok. Scroll down to the first frequently asked question for guidance:

[[https://www.education.gov.uk/consultations/downloadableDocs/Advice%20on%20School%20Attendance%20-%20Final.docx ]]

Reduced timetables are legal but need to be agreed by parents and are not long term. I think it is a fairly grey area. Sounds like they're trying not to permanently exclude him. Are you in a rural area OP? What other provision is available for primary in your area?

Surely they need to assess/refer to EP?

Wolf, I missed your question up thread. The move from the sister school to the current school was a managed move.

I think parent partnership was part of CYPS but I'll have to check.

In terms of legal advice, do you mean see a Soliciter?

I can't home school him as I work (dropped my hours to part time when abuse allegations came to light). If I didn't work I couldn't support my family. I get no child support due to exH being in prison for the next 3 years. I also would be giving up a well paid career which took three years of postgraduate training and further studies to live in poverty on benefits.

I don't need to be told by the head things are bad. I know they are bad and I have always worked with the school to find solutions including trying to make my own referrals etc. I could understand why she would tell me this if I was in denial/ not being cooperative but in the circumstances it came across a facetious.

Thank you for links. I'll have a read when I get home

Is this a state school or an academy?

I live in a fairly rural area but there are lots of primary schools in our LA.

They cannot refer to an EP. They only have one for our area who only assesses severe learning difficulties. CAHMS won't deal with behaviour unless there is an underlying condition (autism etc). Even then it's short term intervention (6 weeks)

It's a state school Nanny.

Sounds like a terrible situation for all involved. It seems for whatever the reason that school isn't suitable for him (probably not their fault) and you have to move him elsewhere. Where or what that would be I have no idea, good luck.

Another impression I have, could be wrong, is that his home environment is 100% suited to his preferences, in a way that school/real life cant be. Maybe you need to shake things up so he isn't so comfortable and can start learning coping mechanisms at home.

Are there consequences at home for his bad school behavior? Do you take the schools side or act as if he has done nothing wrong and its all the schools fault?

Was it an official managed move? With reviews etc built in?

im.going to ignore the odd comment in the op about single mothers on benefits.

First change his school, his running sway is a massive indicater he isnt happy.
Log all incidents etc

Being locked in rooms etc is wrong and with out a PSP is not alowed i work in a slecial school and we also take children with SMEH. To do what theyve done is illegal.
The head teacher getting angry about you informing whoever is wrong.
He needs assessing, then an ehcp and then to go to a specialist school.
They shouldnt threaten a child either with pru..who are these people?

I can assure you Fresh that home isn't 100% suited to what he wants. He still has to go to bed on time, tidy his room, eat his dinner at the table. He doesn't want to do these things but I find that positive reinforcement works better than telling him off. He shares my time with his 2 older DC and obviously there are times they fight but if I deal with it fairly then he accepts his punishment. He doesn't have coping mechanisms because he is disturbed and I don't see how making home miserable for him too will improve anything.

The managed move was on an initial 6 week probationary period after which they were happy with his progress and allowed him to stay. It was after the first term that things deteriorated.

And yes there are consequences at home when he is bad at school. I make him do housework when he is excluded and bought him books to do at home (as they often don't send any work home for him to complete). He loses his phone until he's had a good full week at school, is not allowed to attend football training (something he loves), make him write letters of apology and I reward his brothers for good behaviour at school in front of him.

I'm by no means a perfect parent but I try my best to reinforce the schools stance at home. I have never 'sided' with him in the sense that I diminish the seriousness of what he has done. We are extremely close though and he wants to please me and obviously doesn't have these relationships at school which is out of my control.

Chilly, the comment about single mum on benefits is that they expect me to be able to find childcare every Friday for an indefinite period with no consideration of how this will affect me providing for my children long term. Who can provide childcare for an 8 year old during school hours? What do I tell my employer?

I don't judge anyone on benefits (particularly single mums) but there is an automatic assumption that I don't work which I assume is because I'm a single mum and that I'm uneducated because I had my children young and married an abusive bastard.

The school were involved in the court case as one of my children disclosed the abuse to a TA who was due to testify in court. The head asked me had I heard about the case being dropped. When I said yes and I was upset, she said 'oh well I assumed that you had dropped it'. I was hugely insulted by this. I disclosed everything to school and police the minute they told me about the abuse and have worked with both police and school for her to just assume I dropped the case like I don't care.

Chilly, what is a PSP? Who should be assessing him? If I go private, what professional should I be looking at? A psychiatrist?

Safe guarding were not remotely interested that they were using a 'safe room' the size of a cupboard to restrain him even when calm:

If this is all illegal why is no one taking my complaints seriously? Who do I escalate to?

This is a child who clearly has needs that the school isn't meeting. The school should be working with you to get him the support that he clearly needs. They can't fund extra support without a diagnosis though, so should be documenting each incident to build a picture or what triggers his behaviour. You need to go back to your GP with a list of these incidents and school should be pushing for an Ed Psych referral too. I don't know where you are in the country, but your LA should have a Special Needs Team who can advise you and IPSEA may be able to offer advice on how to move forward as well. www.ipsea.org.uk/ Good luck OP, it sounds very distressing for you, but for him as well...

Im in a similar position to you op. So i understand on some levels op. Obviously my story isnt your story.
I do think you should move schools!!
They sound beyond the pale terrible.

Ask for a meeting with the Safeguarding and Special needs Governors. Explain that your child has issues which you believe stem from his father's abuse, and that you have tried to secure help for him. Agree with the school that his behaviour is a problem, and ask what plan they can put in place to ensure that he is safe, educated, cared for and not disrupting the education of other children. Ask them to work with you in securing a statement of SEN for him and the extra support he needs. Dd's school also has kids who are runners, as a result the gates are locked and have keycodes or padlocks. He shouldn't be able to escape into the road during school time, surely if he can get out, anyone can get in? Make it clear that you are a highly educated, engaged, pushy parent, who will support them in providing your son with the appropriate education, (and will be able to give them hell/ drag them to court if they don't).
Have you tried womens aid for play therapy?

It's not automatically illegal. I think that's the crux of it.

There are ways to have reduced timetables that are legal and are about meeting a child's needs. I've got some students at the moment on reduced timetables as part of a wider programme of support.

The school really should be looking into assessment or support in my opinion. Whether that means that the support you get is necessarily what you want is a different matter. E.g. we have lots of children with additional support, but it's not all 1-1 TAs etc.

Your best route if school aren't listening might be to contact social services and ask for an early help meeting. They're multi agency support teams that give help to families who need it. We've referred families when we think there is need for support but it's not necessarily an educational need (e.g social issues affecting education)

In your shoes, I would be making weekly appointments with your GP and counselling/what's happened at school/what you have to do at home to manage behaviour that week until they get the message. He clearly needs help asap to manage his emotions.

I would also be pursuing an ehcp at the same time. Plus looking at other schools where he can have a fresh start.

Post in SN too. There's lots of posters there that can help you.

That sounded incredibly abrupt, sorry.

Posting on my phone whilst doing other things.

A Pastoral Support Plan (PSP) is a school based programme which is meant to help a child to improve their social, emotional and behavioural skills. The PSP will identify precise and specific targets for the child to work towards and should include the child and parents in the drafting process.
This needs to be done after a behaviour strategy meeting health and safety checks and a tick sheet of all serious incidents of all serious behaviour recording whata happenedd.
If it hasnt been cleared by you then they cant put him in the safe space. Is it an "actual" safe space or a cupboard?
They should be keeping records of seclusion. Behaviour incident forms and there needs to be expressed permission by you and behaviour specialists to restrain a child or place them.in a safe place.
If they are doing none of this go to the lea. Go to the goveners report them.to ofstead and social services.
No one can restrain a child or place them on a safe space without a looooooooooong slog of paper work and assesments from proffessionals such as ed psyches. He also needs to be proved to a serious risk to other children, staff and himself
He needs to go so a gp look at an assesment for Autism, Aspergers etc . He could also have a sensory processing disorder he may need a sensory diet. I think an ed psyche is a good start to assess him tbh id pay for it if i could. I cant obviously diagnose your child over the internet i think persobally you need to requesy your childs file and all paper work. Get him moved.
Start fresh.

Also id also write to the senco saying you no longer give permission for him to.use a safe space.
Are the staff placing him.in there secura care trained? If not why are they touching him.

Clearly what ever they are doing now isnt working for your son.