To give up on my son's school?

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

My 8 year old DS has severe behavioural problems at school. In the past 2 years he has been excluded more times than I can count, been put on a reduced timetable once for 3 months and recently again for an indefinite period (so he's currently excluded every Friday)

His reception year at school was fine but when he moved into year 1, the problems started. We relocated due to my work and he moved school when he was at the end of year 1 and things really began to deteriorate.

He had a bad start due to racial bullying which I don't feel the school took seriously and as his behaviour became worse, they resorted to locking him in a small room until he calmed down but would often leave him there until I came to collect him even when he had calmed down.

I fought to get him into a better school which was run by the same head teacher where his older brother attends and for the first term his behaviour improved dramatically. However, over the last year we seem to be back to where we started.

The most recent incident was yesterday where he left school premises (he's never done this before) and the school rang the police. They only called me after he had gone back into school and said they called the police as they are unable to follow him when he leaves school grounds. The police never came so basically if he does this again they will leave my 8 year old son to wander around a busy main road until the police arrive.

I feel at my wits end and I don't know how things can move forward. I have had so many meetings with the school to try and manage his behaviour. He has a teaching assistant and he is extremely fond of his current class teacher but his behaviour deteriorates if neither of them are in school (like yesterday when both were at sports day all day). Next year will be horrendous as he already doesn't like his new teacher for year 4.

I've tried to get him referred to CAHMS several times through both the school and GP but these have led nowhere. His main problems seems to be about becoming frustrated if he can't do his work or if he is told off for something that he feels is unjust (like being told off for talking in class when it wasn't him talking) This leads to him either completely shutting down and becoming mute for hours on end or become destructive and swearing at teachers.

At home he is generally well behaved but we have a very close relationship and I have learned how to ask him to do things in a way that avoids conflict and if things escalate then I know how to calm him down and he always accepts his punishments (e.g losing his electrics, pocket money, can't go to football etc)

I recently had a meeting with someone from parent partnership who attended a meeting with the head and she agreed that some of the things the school were doing were not helpful (e.g if my son walked off they would tell him he's going to a PRU or back to the previous school for which they also run).

He has witnessed DV when he was very young from his father (who is now in prison and he no longer sees) and i found out last year that their father was emotionally abusing him and his brothers (which never made it to trial).

I have asked for counselling but nowhere can provide it for free so my only option is private which I can't afford. The school made a referral to a charity for young carers (after me pushing for a year to try and find an organisation that can help him) but they only offer an outing after school every fortnight and it really isn't set up for children like my son who have behavioural issues.

I've been to CAHMS in the past and done the 6 week parenting course but like I say, his behaviour at home isn't the issue and CAHMS won't deal with behavioural problems.

I feel like the school has given up on him and labelled our family as 'one of those families'. They are extremely patronising to me (comments such as 'well you do so well getting them to school looking clean' etc.)

Not that it should make a difference to how we are judged but although I am a single parent, I have always worked, have a high level of education and am in a professional career but they still seem to treat me like I'm some silly single mother who has messed up her child and assume I'm at home on benefits.

Sorry for the long post but I really do not know where to go from here. Should I move his school for a third time to one not affiliated with this one or leave my son in a school not able to manage his behaviour and potentially letting him leave the premises and not be followed.

Where do I stand legally with their position on this? Surely they have a duty of care to ensure he is safe during school hours and if they cannot manage that then they should call me immediately so I can intervene.

I am so exhausted and upset by this situation

Also - where I work we have NT children who need additional help - and they get it - no jumping through hoops

School should be set up to deal with him

If the LA refuses the first step in the EHCP process, i.e. assessment, you have a right of appeal which you should use. It's a relatively easy process as the appeal itself is dealt with on paper, and people like IPSEA and SOS SEN can help with this. I would suggest you contact them ASAP.

Low I'm actually a teacher, it's not nonsense. We were repeatedly told we shouldn't follow one of our pupils around the school when he left the classroom because he was seeing the chase as attention for his behaviour. They said if there was any way for him to get out the school we weren't following proper safeguarding procedures. Even if he could leave the building outside gates should be locked so he can't get off the grounds.

Thanks everyone. I spoke to IPSEA this morning who made it clear that the 'reduced timetable' my son is currently on is illegal. She recommended EHCP application too so hats my first priority now. She said not to worry about son not being on SEN register because using the room etc are all interventions so I have evidence of those at least. She also was shocked at how bad the school have managed my son and said I should start to escalate my complaints through the governors etc.

The head from the school he tried on Monday is coming to the TAC but I'm not sure why as she said she didn't want my son back at their school. Would they really ask her to come just to say how awful his behaviour was? I really hope not as I don't want the focus of the meeting to be about that, I want it to be about how to move forward, what we can put in place to manage etc.

The school has a gate to the playground which can be opened by pushing a button on the wall which my son can reach. There is then a courtyard area with a gate but no locks which leads straight out to a main road and 4 way crossing. I read the government guidelines about physical restraint of a child and they can be used to prevent the child harming themselves if reasonable force is used. At the very least they could stand in front of the gate to prevent him pressing the button or lock the gate onto the road.

When he is running off during a meltdown, he's not thinking straight and I'm worried one day he'll just run into the road

I wanted to give an update on this thread for anyone who is experiencing something similar. DS2 and DS3 have now been diagnosed with high functioning autism. Reading back through my thread, its so obvious to me now that they are aspies and the behavior DS3 was displaying was text book.

I ended up having to pay for a private diagnosis for DS3 as the waiting list for CAHMS in our area is over 2 years. Unfortunately, years of the above treatment and several more stays in the PRU (which the CP who diagnosed him confirmed it was an inappropriate setting) means that DS3 school refuses.

I feel so angry and upset reading what we went through and feel that someone would have picked up such a classic case of autism. If we had received a diagnosis earlier, things could have been so different.

P.S with the above and more since, would I have grounds to sue the LA? The situation is still pretty dire and I want change in the system.

@jaffacakesaremyfave

Yes just reading the first post before realising it was 3 years old, I immediately thought autism, unlawful exclusion, unmet needs.

You can complain about the LA, but it depends how long ago the events were that you are complaining about.

www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-complaint-about-a-local-authority

Do your children have EHC Plans now?

Thanks for your reply @Ellie56.

I would say my complaints go back as far as 2015 to present day. Neither DS has an EHCP but we have just managed to get school on board to complete one.

Thankfully both DS have left the previous primary and attend a different high school, however the damage has been done and we are still fighting for support 18 and 12 months after diagnosis. Sadly, eldest DS is in year 10 now and we are having to discuss dropping subjects at GCSE in a desperate bid to get him in. Both of them suffer with school anxiety and I can't help but attribute some of that to late diagnosis and previous poor treatment by school. The 2017 post was just a snapshot.

@jaffacakesaremyfave

But it is not too late to ensure your DCS get the support they need. Remember it is possible to have an EHCP until they are 25. Plenty of time to do GCSEs or whatever courses they are interested in doing.

You just need to make sure the EHC Needs Assessment is carried out properly and that the LA seeks advice from everyone they are required to seek advice from, including whoever you think appropriate -eg CAMHS, SLT, OT, Autism Specialist teacher.

Information here:www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

If you need further advice contact the IPSEA Advice Line

www.ipsea.org.uk/advice-line

Thankyou