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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

If your child is SN do you find other people....

28 replies

MrsApronstrings · 26/09/2006 20:44

can't help telling you their non - sn child is 'just the same', or 'does that too'?

And if they do...
Do you think they are trying to empathise and be nice - or do they just not get it.
and then...
does it irritate you?

OP posts:
Spidermama · 26/09/2006 20:54

MrsA, this strikes a chord with me. My good friend's ds is autistic and I have often said to her in the past, 'My ds does that too' and things like that. I think I want her to know that not every challenging trait in her ds is down to autism. I think I try to assuage her fears that he is this odd, socially unacceptable character when he's really gorgeous and lovely.

I agree it does sound patronising and I think I'd probably be irritated too. My ds has diabetes and I find it irritating when people play it down. They're probably trying to make me feel better but I'd much rather people recognised the extent to which I have had to change our lives to deal with it.

I will certainly think again before making such glib assertions. I'm grateful you have pointed this out.

Original poster
MrsApronstrings · 26/09/2006 21:10

spidamama - someone with your sort of attitude can't possibly the the kind of person I'm talking about

OP posts:
Giuliettatoday · 04/10/2006 22:57

Yes, I get the same comments sometimes, but I have to say usually this happens when I mention it when making small talk with other people I don't see often and/or I'm not very close with. Probably they don't know what to say, and yes, I do think they want to empathise (or at least pretend they do and be polite) or they may really have not much knowledge about certain SNs - which is normal for someone who's not affected by it or is not a health professional/SEN teacher etc. I didn't know much before my children had a diagnose I have to admit, and maybe I could've made similar comments.

Or maybe they want to tell you that parents of "normal" children have their problems, too?

Those friends/relatives etc. I'm closer with hardly ever make these comments, probably because I told them more about the SN so they understand better.

But I know what you mean, and yes, it can sometimes be irritating.

Jimjams2 · 04/10/2006 23:01

irritates the tits of off me. Probably because it started with an "all children do tha if you let them get away wiith it" comment from a MIL in denial when ds1 was 2.

Now I just think they don't "get it", but then I think very few do unless they live it. And those that do are saints alive to be treasured and cherished. Those that don't, well I just steer the conversation to safe ground and fix that smile. Like that

QueenEvil · 04/10/2006 23:01

Yes I find that when I say that ds3 may have selective mutism, many people say "Oh he's just shy....so and so was like that" or "oh he'll grow out of it".

SM is much more than just shyness but poeple don't get it although they probably do say it to be helpful. Yes it does irritate me because we have to approach ds3 differently to our other kids without him realising it iyswim. Not many poeple underrstand that.

HumphreyPETERCUSHINGCushion · 04/10/2006 23:07

When DS2 was five and at a very, very difficult stage behaviourally, my father said to me,

"leave him with us for a couple of weeks and he'll sort himself out. Your sister was a stroppy little bugger at that age too"

When the ASD dx was given, my father was stunned, as he truly thought it was the way I dealt with DS2 that caused his outbursts.

sis · 07/10/2006 16:45

ds is autistic and yes, people do say that their kids or all kid do whatever it is I am talking about ds doing and YES - it bloody well does annoy annoy me! Especially when they ask about what his autism means in terms of his behaviour and ability - so I start telling them and they respond by saying 'oh, but don't all kids do that?' - yes most kids do some of what I am describing at some stage in their lives but not to the extent that ds does it and ds does all of these things not just one or two!

Socci · 07/10/2006 16:48

Message withdrawn

PeterCushion · 07/10/2006 22:02

I hate "I'm sure it's worth taking him off wheat and dairy if it makes you feel better, and if you feel like it makes a difference".

Like I spend hours making dairy-free and gluten-free food for the sheer joy of it, or because I like to draw attention to myself!

It's bloody simple....

If he eats wheat and dairy, he self harms, is aggressive and has uncontrollable rages. He ticks, loses speech and can't stand anyone near him.

If he doesn't eat wheat and dairy, he's calm, he can concentrate and he's rational and compliant.

WTF would they do?

charlieandlola · 07/10/2006 22:05

no, but they say "Oh, she'll grow out of it".
I don't think my friends would want any of their children to be like DD.

BATtymumma · 07/10/2006 22:10

ooh Socci someone said something like to me the other day!
i was talking to one of the TA's that is meant to be working with Ds and she said "yes but they keep changing the label Autistic dont they, i mean it will be harder to find a child thats NOT autistic soon"

was not pleased i can tell you.

i do think that for the majority it is in an attempt to make you feel better. yes its a bit patronsing and after a while it gets a bit irritating but i try and take things in the manner they were intended. I build a brick wall around me where it comes to DS and i find it hard to just accept people being nice about him....im always waiting for the "but..."

Spidermama i realy can't imagine anyone who has spent more than 30 seconds in your company thinking you were being anything but supportive

onlyjoking9329 · 07/10/2006 22:30

i find that when people know my kids have autism they ask what their special skill is.
the conversation goes like this
oh i bet they are good at maths
me...no
good at drawing
me....no
good at computers
me....no
oh but aren't they beautiful.
yes it does get rather tiring and yes most of my kids behaviors has been done by typical kids (thou not sure about the window licking!) the main difference is that most NT kids grow out of it and move on, mine don't, my girls still live in the land of cbeebies, i don't know any typical kids wearing crop tops and approaching periods who only watch cbeebies.

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 20/10/2006 08:50

I get this sometimes even though my son can't even roll over let alone walk, they say things like "he'll catch up" or "my son was late to do everything too".

I'm sure they're just trying to be nice and make you feel hopeful, but I also suspect it's because they're a bit embarrassed and wouldn't know what to say once they acknowledge that your child does have significant permanent difficulties. So yes on both counts MrsA, and yes it does sometimes irritate me.

misdee · 20/10/2006 08:53

how old is he now charley?

ks · 20/10/2006 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 20/10/2006 10:31

He's nearly 16 months Misdee.

KellyKrueger1978 · 20/10/2006 10:45

yes especially when I get it from the headteacher and my sw too.

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 10:49

Yes, and my response varies. if it's something ike meltdowns- well it's a very different thing to a tantrum so I can be a bit miffed; but on eating / sleeping etc I am interested.

Sam's has ASD, a condition which affects I dunno, noone does, lets guess 15% of his genes. Which means that 85% of his genes are normal. IE he is more than just ASD. So therfore much of him is NT and I want to embrace that part too.

I waffle but I know what I mean

SoupDragon · 20/10/2006 10:59

Thing is, most NT children do do some of the stuff but as others said they grow out of it and that's the difference between "normal" odd behaviour and "SN" odd behaviour. I think that's the bit most people don't get isn't it? Parents of NT children can "empathise" with that behaviour in isolation but not the fact that it won't necessarily stop. And if it does, it's because they've moved onto something else equally "odd" or challenging.

onlyjoking, as it happens NT DS2 used to lick windows and very annoying it was at the time but, as you say; he was 3, he grew out of it and I knew he would grow out of it. I don't think I'd ever suggest it was the same. I hope I wouldn't.

GoingQuietlyMad · 20/10/2006 11:12

I feel terrible reading this thread worrying about whether i have ever done this to anyone.

I wanted to say thanks for informing us non-SN parents about things like this - it is really important.

Have you tried gently explaining to people how it makes you feel? You wouldn't need to make it personal, you could just say generally "When people say this, it is hurtful"?

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 11:17

SD / GQM don't feel bad- no-one expects =everyone to say the right thing all the time(Although SD your post was lovely) and if you get it wrong- well so do we, with other stuff. So what? Humanity effs up sometimes.

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 20/10/2006 11:42

Yes, don't feel bad, it's just one of those things some of us have to deal with now and again. I don't expect anyone to be able to understand - people are not mind readers after all. It's better that people try to be nice, even if it's sometimes a bit clumsly, than some other reactions I've experienced - like repulsion, smugness, pity or being pointedly ignored.

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 20/10/2006 11:47

Just one small point about the thread title though (not wishing to be petty), children "have" special needs. They aren't special needs iyswim.

So the thread title would have been better "If your child HAS special needs..."

misdee · 20/10/2006 14:37

i didnt relaised he was so old now charley. are you sure you didnt have this year?

where has the time gone?

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 20/10/2006 22:21

I know! But I feel like I've aged 5 years!