Co-sleeping support thread

[BertieBotts]

I thought I would start this thread - for all co-sleeping parents, by choice or necessity, a safe space to vent about things which annoy you about co-sleeping without being told "Put her in a cot/her own bed then!" - or to share nice things you like about co-sleeping like middle of the night cuddles. Or to come and vent about annoying comments people make. Or anything really

Safe co-sleeping guidelines

Anyway, off to cuddle up with DS now...

Ooh lots of replies

Immaculada having a baby in a wrap sling while you sleep sounds a bit worrying to me - I am concerned about the baby being unable to move and worry that it may be impeding your natural instincts, I think that possibly she might be safer if she was just lying on your chest, because if she did slip off (which DS never did, and he slept on me quite a few times) a) you would be likely (in my experience) to notice and/or catch her anyway, even if you were asleep, and b) it isn't that far to fall and she would not be hurt by it. I am sorry and I don't wish to cause you any undue panic but I couldn't not say anything. Will she sleep tummy-to-tummy very close snuggled up to you on your & her side, if you don't want to have her on your chest? I found that I got used to the noises quite quickly and slept through them but if you have trouble sleeping anyway you might not. Maybe a partially co-sleeping arrangement would work better where she is in a cot for most of the night but you bring her into bed to feed and make it a safe space so that it is ok if you fall asleep feeding? You could take it in turns with your DH to pick her up/take her back to the cot.

Hi Bertie

Fair point, but I am a very light sleeper, so I constantly check she's okay and she's not wrapped up super tight, so she can move if she needs to. I also sleep semi-propped up on pillows so I can see her easily (also, she doesn't like the dark, so a dim light is also on to make it easy for me to check she's okay).

I make sure her face is in no way covered (or in danger of being covered) and she is positioned facing towards me. I'm well aware of possible dangers and take steps to minimise them. If she sleeps to my side, she doesn't seem to sleep as well, but we do do that sometimes...

Thanks for your advice!

Hi Immaculada - thanks for clarifying, that does sound exhausting for you! Sorry, didn't mean to single you out - DS was up and down a lot so I ended up just posting without reading through too much.

Poohbear I used to miss cuddles from DP when I was cuddled up to DS, and I used to get a sore hip from lying in the same position all night - anybody else experienced this? It is nice now DS is older to be able to lie in different positions, close to him or away from him, and be able to go up and snuggle him if I want to as well.

had a great night last night.
although did wake up sore Bertie, shoulder and hip. is this par for the course then?

DH took bubba away this morning too so i got an hour of sleep all by myself bliss.

I do get the sore hip! I used to get really bad back ache too. When ds was really small dh used to put us to bed and wedge a couple of pillows under my back and put one between my knees which were bent up (I was sort of curled around ds, arm under pillow)
Now ds is 15 months I'm not as 'careful'. I usually start off the night on my tummy but with the duvet round my waist and my arms under the pillow - bliss - change position to my side too. Sometimes even face away when on my tummy. Ds is a tummy sleeper too and now unlatches and gets onto his tummy.
I got a couple of hours by myself too this morning! bliss to snuggle under covers!
Re: criticism - all but one person has let it go now and after the last 'attack' I have let her go!

We co-slept with both our children (5 and 2)and are planning to with our next (due in 7 weeks) - the best thing we did was get a bed rail so that I could switch sides and sleep either side of the baby without worrying about him/her falling out of bed.

We put my daughter in her own bed at 15 months - we had about a year of her waking each night and needing settling again, but she got it eventually. My son moved into his own bed at 10 months (he's a wriggler!) and is taking longer to learn to sleep through - he's almost 3 and crawls in with us at some point most nights - he just loves to be with one or both of us. It's sometimes tiring but won't last forever.

It's no-one else's business how you choose to help your child sleep - no-one else knows your child like you do.

2 little bodies in bed with me, ages 4 and 5.
Started a year ago with one because of littlest ones nightterrors. Now ex-dp has left we all cuddle up together.
My only guilt is that I wasn't able to do this with my children from the day they were born. It is the most natural thing in the world to sleep with your children safe in your arms.

pros:
little kisses on your face to wake you up
waking up to smiles & cuddles
child-sized hot water bottles that stay warm all night

cons:
may have to upgrade to a superking as they grow

This morning I had finished the night laying on my side with DD sleepily nursing. I needed to get up for a pee, so DH took her. When I got back, she was nestled in the crook of his arm and both of them were having a big yawn - it was the cutest thing ever!

Moments like that really add the magic to co-sleeping.

Chiccadee, the way I deal with any criticism/judging is to say that we find we get a better nights sleep because of it and that we don't think it will last forever. I usually add, for comedy's sake, that it is a good form of contraception! Our family and friends know that we are more than happy with our 3 children!

We solved the problem of space (sort of!) by taking the side off a cot and tying it to my side of the bed!
It kind of extends the bed so that there is enough space for DH to join it

DS is 11 months now, there are times when I hate cosleeping when he is in one of his feeding all night phases, and then there are times when i love it, usually when I have had more sleep ;)...

Melissa, are you Karen Emsley or working for her by any chance?

I think you have misunderstood the purpose of this thread.

Hello! Just looking for a few tips from you expert co -sleepers!

Ds3 is 5 months old and sometimes sleeps in his own room in moses/sometimes in our bed. After a night recently where I spent most of it hopping back and forth between his room and ours, I popped him next to me and he went promptly to sleep.

So, he's mostly in with us now, but I have a few questions...
-We have a duvet - should I make sure that it only covers me? Not quite sure how to do this?
-I sleep facing DS, but get terrible pain in one shoulder blade as I can't work out where to put my'spare'arm (ie. if I'm on my left side, where does my left arm go?).
-Are pillows OK as long as DS is not on them?

And finally....although I do enjoy co-sleeping at the moment, I can imagine that I will want LO to make his way to his cot in a few months time. Is this likely to be possible without too much trauma or have we made the proverbial rod for our back?!

Sorry for all the questions, but thanks in advance.

Hi Crikeybadger!
Will answer your questions as far as I can (if anyone thinks anything different please say!)
Duvet I usually keep the duvet around my waist - I think a lot of women wear long sleaved tops and a dressing gown to keep top half warm.
arms The arm underneath, if your lying on your side can go under your pillow - it will also stop ds from getting too close to it.
Also found getting dh to pop a couple of pillows under my back and one between my bent knees (I sort of curled around him) made things a little more comfortable.
pillows I have always used 2 flatish pillows. I think the advice is one flat one though.
Rod4back Wayell... I do hate this phrase as people always say this to me in a knowing and critical way when they find out I co-sleep. grr. Anyway I don't know the answer as am still co-sleeping with ds who is 15 mo. It gets much easier though. Am assuming at some point he will be wanting his own space.

Thanks for taking the time to reply Stottie.
That's really useful.
Know what you mean about the 'rod'phrase- it's one of my pet hates too.

I'm having a bit of a co-sleeping crisis of confidence this morning...

My 10 week old DS spent the first couple of weeks in a moses basket next to our bed, but I just stopped bothering putting him back after feeds and he's been in with us ever since. Initially in between me and DH, with me sitting up to feed him every couple of hours then gently laying him back down once he'd fallen asleep on my nipple

We now have a bedside cot, which I love as I worry less about him somehow finding his way under the duvet. I've also finally got the hang of feeding lying down and was looking forward to sleepy snuggly feeds and a less disturbed nights sleep.

However, I'm finding I'm actually sleeping worse now because when we both fall asleep when he's feeding he just stays there... the last couple of nights he'll only sleep if he's either comfort sucking or snuggled right in with me getting a dead arm under his neck. I'm worried that he's supposed to be on his back - I read that sleeping on their side under 6 months is as bad as being on their front.

He also seems even more clingy during the day. He used to go down for a nap in his pram and I could have a nap on the sofa, but now he'll only sleep during the day if he's in the sling or out in the pram. He's currently spread eagled over my chest, snoring gently into my ear as I type one handed, which is lovely, but oh my god I'm tired!

It doesn't help that I've got a stinking cold at the moment, but I'm beginning to wonder if I really am 'making a rod...'

Any advice/reassurance much appreciated!

Aw, nellyjane, lovely picture of him snoring into your ear!

It's so hard to disentangle cause and effect with babies, isn't it? He could be wanting to nap on you because he's got used to it at night - but maybe he's wanting to comfort suck at night and nap on you in the day because he's feeling particularly needy at the moment. Perhaps he's coming down with your cold?

What happens if you pop him off the boob when he starts to do sleepy fluttery sucking? You might be able to put him down next to you at that point? I don't know about sleeping on their sides being bad - I always thought it was OK as long as they were wedged so they couldn't end up on their tummies, but I might be wrong.

When mine were tiny I sometimes used to sleep curled around them on my side, so I didn't have an arm underneath them at all. It felt more comfortable as you avoid the dead arm thing, and they can still snuggle into your body.

Have you read the no-cry sleep solution? I did the 'Pantley Pull-Off' (a way of popping them off by breaking the latch with your finger when they start to get drowsy) with my dd1 and it meant she learnt to be put down awake rather than trying to keep a nipple in her mouth all night. Must say I haven't bothered with dd2 though.

Sometimes they do get harder to put down to sleep as they get older and more aware - it might not be anything you've done. And in any case every stage is very short. Your baby won't be trying to nap on you forever, so whatever you decide to do about it, please don't feel bad or overly worried about it!

Crikeybadger - I just wanted to add my suggestion for the duvet problem. I put my dd2 in a grobag and she goes on top of the duvet or just next to the very edge of it. Seems to work OK.

And as far as moving them on into their own cot goes - 17mo dd2 is still in with me so I don't know how she'll take it.... With dd1 I left it till she was two and a half and at that point she went very happily into her own bed in her own room. As a transition stage she had her own bed next to our bed. I don't know how it would go with a baby rather than a verbal toddler. I decided to wait till I could explain what was happening and get her to co-operate, and it worked out quite well!

Sorry, that was v long, wasn't it?

I just wanted to add a personal thing about how lovely I'm finding co-sleeping at the moment. I have encountered a couple of very tragic stories recently to do with other people's toddlers and it has made me so grateful that I can cuddle mine in the middle of the night and smell her hair. She is still so little and cuddly and her warm little body just feels so precious in the middle of the night. I know that sounds appallingly trite.

Oooh! What a brilliant thread!
We co-slept with DS1 (4 y o), and he wen into his own bed when he was about 2. However, we have a freeeeeeezing cold house, so we are now on two matresses pushed together- me, DH, Ds1 and DS2 (6 m) just to warm each other up! We love it... I have never had so many hugs EVER...

Haven't read the no-cry sleep solution Aranea; thank you for the tip. When I was pregnant I felt so overwhelmed by the massive range of 'baby books' out there that I responded by refusing to read any of them in the hope that I would just figure it all out as we went along Actually, most of the time that does seem to be working out, it's just that every now and then (say, when I'm feeling particularly sleep deprived ) I start to question myself. That one looks interesting though, so have ordered it from the library.

I do try and take him off my nipple sometimes, although that usually makes him start sucking again. Quite often he'll appear to be fast asleep, I touch the edge of his mouth with my finger to take him off, he gives about 4 big sucks (no swallow) and then goes back to being fast asleep again! Leaving me sitting/lying there in the dark thinking, 'you're not fooling anyone DS!' but not knowing what to do.... Because sometimes when I'm more assertive and just take him off, he'll rest for a minute or so, then start crying and when I put him back on there's another let down and he has a proper big drink. So I worry that by taking him off I'm limiting his food/risking getting blocked ducts/jeopardising my milk supply!?

Of course you're right that DS won't want to nap on me forever... I can't believe how quickly the weeks are going by, and secretly I love it when a cuddle from me is all he needs to feel comforted enough to sleep.

BessieBoots - that sounds wonderful... and very environmentally friendly That's the sort of image that reassures me I'm right to go with my instincts.

Aaaaah - lovely... a co-sleeping thread is a very very good idea! Thank you Bertie!

My dd is nearly four and sleeps in our bed... She has done since she was about two months old and before that she slept in a bread sellers basket on a lambskin.

When she started school she had a self motivated / peer pressure fortnight of sleeping in her own bed but then somehow ended up back in ours. We were pretty happy because we missed her lots!!!

Our puppy also sleeps at the end of our bed too (ok and sometimes in my arms or on DH's tummy) which having just read the safety guidelines in the OP is maybe is a bit too daft... but we love her too much to not have her with us too.

We tend not to tell anyone about our sleeping arrangements. We live in Paris where people on the whole do have rather conservative ideas on children's sleeping!!!

Funnily enough I've just ordered the NCSS book from the library NellyJane.
I think you have similar concerns to me about naps as my LO is tricky to settle without a feed or a walk.
Oh well, I still love the co-sleeping and the closeness it brings (and it usually means a better night's sleep, so that can't be bad can it!)
Thanks for the tips everyone.

Hello tea!

CDMforever - thanks, the good night's sleep line sounds very tactful - I'll give it a go!

'ello Aranea... how's your lovely little school girl doing???