11 year (yes, YEAR!!) old not sleeping in own bed

[Baxterbaxter]

My just-turned 11 year old cannot sleep in his own bed, by himself, through the night.

It started when he was a baby; he had awful asthma / bad croup and would stop breathing, so I would keep him with me in case of an episode. This happened a few times; each time we rushed him to hospital as he just couldn’t breathe.

He eventually grew out of this but he could only go to sleep if we lay down with him. Guaranteed, he would wake during the night and come into my bed.

Skip forward a few years, and this is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He has just gone into year 6 and he refused to go on the residential as he cannot sleep alone.

DH and I are at breaking point, so we have decided he has got to learn to put himself down. We have a 9 year old DD who is a great sleeper - she can put herself to sleep and stays asleep for 12 hours - no issues at all.

Tonight is the second night where we have put DS to sleep; DH laid with him the first night in his own bed, the lamp was on and he has calming music playing. DS was in our room for 3 hours throughout this night, saying he couldn’t sleep. Each time we put him back to bed. Eventually, he went into DD’s bed to sleep. DH and I work full time so we were shattered yesterday, as was DD as DS just moves around constantly (we didn’t realise he went into DD’s room, I found him there in the morning). Tonight is going in the same vein; I lay with him initially and then, bang on midnight, DS is in our room, saying he can’t sleep / can’t close his eyes. He tried to go back into DD’s bed but I got him back out, I must’ve put him back in his own bed at least 15 times over the last 3 hours. My poor DH is driving 6+ hours for work tomo, so I’m trying to let him sleep. He is still up now, walking around, saying he can’t sleep.

What do I do?! I know we have made a rod for our own backs by letting DS come into our bed all these years, even though it was with the best intentions initially as we were concerned about his health.

Do we just ignore him when he gets up, persevere with putting him straight back to sleep? I’m so tired. It’s like having a newborn again.

DS knows a lad like this who slept in his parent's bedroom 'til he was SIXTEEN!

He went into HM Forces- Sharing a confined sleeping space with others wasn't an issue for him!

My dd2 had health issues too. And was terrified of anaesthetic she needed once. This is relevant Im sure.
She had a dream catcher...which acknowledged bad dreams happen I suppose. 😴

It's outrageous he thought he could get into bed with his 9 year old sister and disrupt her sleep. I'd be furious with him. If he can't sleep then he lies awake until he's so exhausted he does fall asleep. As you say you have caused this behaviour because of his poor health as a young DC.

@Stravaig what on earth are you on about?? Please do not relate that to my son. Absolutely vile.

I respectfully disagree. If when he had nits, he was still lying awake all night, or getting up and wandering or sitting downstairs, I'd agree that there is a deep rooted issue that he cannot control. He has proven he can control it though, when they were firm with him about that.

I recommend looking for a DDP family therapist who can work with you and your husband so that they can help you deliver more attuned parenting to your son. This is much more effective (and less stressful for kids) than a counsellor working with your son - those approaches often work while the counselling is going on and then stop afterwards as the home environment hasn’t changed.

I would be giving him loads of reassurance and not trying to push him through this as it will simply make him more anxious

you’re doing your best and sound like a lovely family. Totally understand why you’ve told him that the sleep paralysis won’t happen again but he is now old enough to know that’s not true, and so being told that by you is likely to make him feel anxious. any attempts to reward or punish him through this are not going to address the anxiety and will probably make him worse.

it does sound like you need professional help, you may find he becomes a lot more anxious around transitions, obviously moving into secondary school being a big one. I don’t believe you can spoil a child with affection, the more you put in, the more secure they feel

him going to just sisters bed just shows how desperate he is not to be alone. Shame on those suggesting this is weird of him, he is a child having a hard time and no doubt aware it’s unusual and he is always in the way at night. Poor lovely lad!

good luck, I can recommend a fab therapist who does zoom sessions if you pm me

Thank you @KurtShirty

Seriously??? The OP and her husband are having broken nights of sleep because their eldest child can't/won't self sooth back to sleep and you're suggesting they suck it up for a further 6 months to a year???

OP - I think you have a workable plan for this evening and do you know something, if your son is upset this evening, he is capable of staying in his own room (the episode with the nits is a perfect example) and he can just do that tonight.

One other suggestion might be for him to have walkie-talkies so that he can talk to you until 11pm or something and after that, it's lights out and to sleep we all go. I think a weighted blanket might also be helpful here. They can 'cocoon' the person and that can be a comforting feeling.

He simply must break this habit and he can do it (he's done it before) just because you don't want him sharing your bed doesn't mean that you or your DH love him any less.

I'll be thinking of you tonight and sending you positive vibes

I would start with the GP, sometimes they can help (my friend's GP suggested a sleep consultant for her baby and it worked super well), but I think you need a proper plan, and for him to be included so he's aware of the boundaries (DDs room being off limits) and timelines....like a proper SMART approach. Maybe he needs some additional help to work through why he can't sleep alone too? Could the school help with that? My DDs school has a mental health children's charity link who helped her while I was going through cancer treatment so it's definitely worth asking - they did a 6 week programme with her that helped so much. I think it's a bit deeper than just him not wanting to sleep alone and you need to get it sorted. Sending love, and I hope you can get a nap at some point today

No advice as mi e is only little, but need needs to be told not to go into his sisters bed again, it's very inappropriate

Poor kid, sounds so anxious. I think it's good that he has your support,.but I'm a lot softer than most of the others here saying they'd just tell them they aren't to disturb you. I'd try white noise and a weighted blanket but it does sound like he might benefit from some therapy about what sounds like some pretty intense anxiety. And I'd do a gradual transition - his own bed but still in the same room.

What worked for us in the end at around the same age is a tv in the room. DD usually puts on a series she is very familiar with and goes to sleep with it on. She is 12 now and there are still some nights when she asks me to lie down with her but it is very much the minority. Not sure that is ‘good’ advice but in the end you have to find a way.

@LookItsMeAgain 's suggestion of walkie talkies could be worth a go. I did this with mine when they were young, switched the monitor for walkie talkies which they could use until a specified time. It would be if they were scared, or wanted a cuddle or to ask for another glass of water etc.

So he can sleep alone- but chooses not to.

This should make it easier for you to be stricter about having his own bed.

As others have said the climbing into his sister's bed is seriously not on.

Regarding sleep paralysis/nightmares probably wasn't a good idea to tell him it ''won't happen again'' as they can recur.

They are frightening, but maybe a small safe 'nightlight' in his room may help if he snaps out of a nightmare.

Thanks @VoyagerOfTheTeenYears - yes he does like documentaries, so I will try that.

Good grief some of these posters are truly astonishing and lacking in empathy. I like to think that I am there to support my child and that they know that. Yes we have to encourage independence but not at the cost of their mental health. I would always want my child to come to me with their worries or anxieties (even ones that they can't articulate). Speaking as someone who didn't get any "pussy footing around" from my own parents, I can speak from experience. It meant that even as a teenager and young adult I didn't ask for help, even when struggling.

The issue is not that he disturbed your DD, the issue is that he entered her bed without her consent and used her as a support human (again without her consent, whilst unconscious). To be fair she is too young to consent to this (if she did there would almost certainly be some element of coercion) - so you as his and her parents need to be clear this is NOT ok behaviour. Not because it disturbs her sleep, but because it's inappropriate to use her in this way, and particularly when she's not conscious.

Imagine if he did this with a schoolmate on a residential when he couldn't sleep? He'd be lucky not to get a black eye / expelled.

It's a little disturbing he doesn't recognise what should be quite a clear boundary between what's appropriate behaviour with parents and with a sibling.

You're not doing him any favours if you don't make it clear this is not a red line because it will disturb DD's sleep (though that's also the case) but because it's inappropriate and it's not your DD's job to help him when he's struggling to sleep. She is not his parent. That's your job.

It's just as - if not more- important for your DD that you make this boundary very clear or she's going to have terrible boundaries around abusive men who seek to use her in the future.

I hope you sort out his sleep issues, but the first and most important step is ensuring this very, very firm boundary around his behaviour with his sister is made crystal clear. There should be consequences if he tries this again.

"Would a baby monitor help?"

Really?! It's bad enough he's being infantilised with all the talk of "putting him down". A bloody baby monitor?!

A walkie talkie is the grown up version?
Mine liked chat shows. You will try anything!

Going back to my DD's experience, I think the fact that the school nurse didn't bat an eyelid when we described our problems and said to DD that she sees lots of kids with sleeping issues helped DD to feel that it wasn't just her. She would never have talked about it to her friends and I think it genuinely helped her to know that she wasn't the only one.

Just talking to a professional in a very matter of fact way, I think, made it less scary.

OP, nobody is accusing your son of sexually abusing his sister. What people are saying is that for two children who are approaching puberty, they both need to understand boundaries, privacy and your daughter needs to know that someone climbing into her bed at night is not normal.
You say that your son only strokes you and DH, with respect, you don’t know that given that you didn’t know he had gone into his sister.

I don’t believe you can spoil a child with affection, the more you put in, the more secure they feel

him going to just sisters bed just shows how desperate he is not to be alone. Shame on those suggesting this is weird of him, he is a child having a hard time and no doubt aware it’s unusual and he is always in the way at night. Poor lovely lad!

I absolutely agree with all of this OP! I think I’d try gradual retreat with him. Could you take a few days off work to do it, so you’re not so tired and can sleep in the day whip they’re at school?

Oh OP, feel for you and well done for being so supportive of your kid! I know how hard r is. Our 8 year old (also a boy) still cannot sleep by himself either most nights. He can’t fall asleep without me or DH lying next to him in his bed, and abo it half the time he comes to our bed during the night. He is even sharing a room with his sister (10) and still he can’t sleep through the night there regularly. DD is a great sleeper , always has been. DS was like that from birth, colicky and would cry for hours during the night as a baby and didn’t sleep through until around 3 years.

think kids are just so different. DS is a lot like me, on the anxious side, and I recall how I as a kid couldn’t sleep either and the nights sneaking through the house to my parents bedroom and trying to quietl get into their bed without them noticing, sometimes I laid at their feet just to be n their bed without them waking up! If they did wake up they always told me to go back to my own bd and so. Did and laid there awake and scared for hours. Don’t want that for DS. Because of my ow experience I’m not sure there is n easy solution. Yes, you can perhaps insist the kids stay in their own bed, but not be sure the kid feels ok.

what I would do is look at his life in general, are there reasons he may be anxious at night? If nothing obvious, then just keep working at it slowly and compassionately, making him feel safe in his own bed. Unless he has serious mental health issues, he will grow out of it. By 16, assure you he won’t be sleeping in your bed!

He isn't traumatised and anxious - if he was, he wouldn't be happy in his own bed for 5 nights when he had nits! You are encouraging and enabling this behaviour by being so soft!you aren't doing him any favours teaching him that his wants come before everyone else at night. Poor kid.