Do i have to go to bed at 7pm??

[Blu3Bell]

Baby is turning 3 months soon, so I want to get in a good sleep routine. I know this means an earlier bedtime rather than 10/11pm which is what we do now.

My question is, if im putting baby to bed at 7pm ish and NHS guidelines state baby has to be in the same room as an adult for all day and nighttime sleep, does that mean I'm expected to be tucked up in bed at 7pm too for the foreseeable future? I can't see any wayy around it but surely not everyone is doing this?

Any advice/ideas appreciated x

Good thing we know more now aye... after all, their lives are precious.

I think if adults are alert and awake and monitoring through a baby monitor its fine for them to be in a room alone for naps and before you go to bed. I think the guidance is more for when you're asleep yourself and so not monitoring actively, and having them in the room means you will be alerted to their needs/any problems in a way you wouldn't if they were down the hall.

We put him upstairs in our bedroom and used a monitor and Owlet Smart Sock until we came up to bed (still used the sock throughout the night).

I really liked the sock because if the baby’s oxygen or heart rate goes outside the safe limits you’ll get a loud notification. It made me feel safe. They’re expensive but you can get them second hand.

It depends what you define as 'unsafe'.
Would you take a child out in a car? That's 2.5 times more 'unsafe'.
I'll leave that with you.

Ridiculous comparison but a common one with people that don't understand risk and science.

We have carseats to make the car safer.

Just like we have things to help reduce the risk of SIDS.

it's called risk elimination... making things as safe as possible.

I'll leave that with you.

Fuck that.

No you don't.

Presumably the figures (from Brake) include children in car seats so I am not sure what's ridiculous about the comparison?
Maybe if you do understand risk and science (unlike me presumably?) you can explain to me why parents risking their own mental health for a much less than 1% risk of something happening is proportionate?

How is it a ridiculous comparison? Every decision we make as parents is a series of risk assessments. No decision is isolated.
Which vehicle do we buy? Which car seat do we choose? How essential is this journey? What happens if we don't go in the car at all? How long do we rear face? How fast do we drive? Is it safe to go around that bus? We've reached our destination, now is it safe to cross the road?
I don't understand why some people act like infant sleep is somehow different than every other parenting choice.

We are talking about safe sleep here... what you are going on about is irrelevant and deterring away from the actual issue.

You do you boo.

50 years ago when we were having baby the doctor said that he recommended that "we sleep when the baby sleeps" but that nobody ever did.

These days a 700pm bed time sounds a dream!.

Best wishes for the tough time

Safe sleep vs safe travel... two separate things.

@Katypp I'm anxious about SIDS because my baby was born not breathing and the thought that he may stop and nobody will be there to help him this time, is terrifying.

My eldest is 12…..

I wasn’t told any of this?!? To be fair both my kids were in Neo NARS for months so that might be why. But even when we came home about the 6 month mark no one told me this and we even went to transitional!!! Which is where they teach you how to look after premature babies.

Yes, they are separate things. Obviously. But the methodology with which we make those choices is the same. Risk vs reward. As with every other choice parents make- feeding, medicine, childcare, toys, crossing the road... If you think sleep is somehow different, you'll have to justify why.

Hope you find a way through, and come to a decision that makes sense to you. That's a terrifying experience and I can 100% understand why you feel anxious.

I was anxious myself and had a normal birth.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs. And congratulations on your baby.

You'll get through this.

I think when you have a baby your life changes so dramatically that you can’t actually believe the expectations that are put on you as a parent.
I kept my eldest downstairs with me until they were about 4/5 months and then began putting her upstairs in the cot around 8pm and we went up about 11pm. I was also heavily influenced by my parents who had me in my own room from 6 weeks sleeping through the night so there was that too. I think because of this I felt entitled to my evenings back and couldn’t believe people were literally sat in the dark or keeping a baby downstairs all night.
then my second child was born who never slept so all my plans went out of the window

You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone. It's a valid concern.

If you are on Facebook there's some great resources and help.

The Beyond Sleep Training Project group
BASIS
Feed Sleep Bond

Personally, at that age I just kept baby with us downstairs until we were ready for bed ourselves, or we use to go up with her and then watch some bits on the laptop with headphones... there's so many ways to adhere to this guidance, don't let others put you off doing what's best for your baby.

You are important too and that doesn't need to come at the cost of what your baby needs, there's ways to do this. Please do seek some support/ideas, it's so overwhelming at first but you've got this!

So you can't tell me why it's ridiculous to compare two risks and wonder why the higher one is acceptable? OK.

We did split shifts with the baby: 7pm-11pm or midnight DH would take the baby and I would sleep. Then he went to bed and I did the rest of the night/early morning. Only works if your baby takes a bottle, though. And this was for us to get some sleep, not for baby safety reasons.

Well let's put this into another perspective.

I've known none to die in a car but a few sleeping alone...I think I know which risk/reward I'd prefer.

Reward - mental health Risk: SIDS

no, I'd rather take care of my mental health without putting them at risk because that's possible, harder maybe but worth it.

You can't compare baby sleep to travel when there's so many variables and they are 2 separate things... everyone sleeps yet not everyone drives.

But I'll bite.. we have car seats, road rules etc to make it safer. Just like we have "lay on back", "stay in same room" "nothing in cot" as precautions... you aren't really disputing my point tbh, you are just confirming it.

Yes everyone has to weigh up the risks, but personally I wouldn't risk something that I can control myself... and that includes being in the room to help regulate my child's breathing, something a monitor can't do.

Like a car, i would meet all the safety recommendations to minimise, so why wouldn't I do it for a baby and their sleep?

First off, you don't need a "good sleep routine" at 3 months, and there's no reason at all why it should be at 7pm. It's good for baby to go to bed at roughly the same time each night but that should be when it works for your family.

Second, a baby monitor is NOT the same thing, you are correct that an adult should be in the same room at all times.

You don't need to be asleep though. We used to either sit in bed with baby between us watching TV until we were ready to go to sleep, or keep her in the moses basket in the living room with us and then take the whole basket to the bedroom at bedtime.

https://www.basisonline.org.uk/room-sharing/#:~:text=Having%20your%20baby%20sleep%20near,advice%20given%20to%20new%20parents.

https://www.basisonline.org.uk/hcp-room-sharing/

Great evidence based research, this is why the OP is concerned. See a lot of Survivors Bias in these comments which is worrying.

For first 3/4 months I went to bed same time as baby so was in room. At 3ish months we started a routine to go to bed for 7ish. One of us was kind of in room with her either reading or listening to podcast. But at 4 months we used a video monitor for the couple of hours before I went to bed around 9ish.

I’ve had 4 and didn’t keep them in the sitting room till 10pm. The lights, tv and my 3 older children would have bothered them. To sleep through noise and low lighting is one thing and should be encouraged, but to sleep through the sounds of teens playing music, laughing hysterically, playing cards and arguing is not going to happen and I wasn’t prepared to have everyone on a hushed tones/calm voices mode when the baby was sleeping, it wouldn’t have been fair.
Put them down in our bedroom at 730ish and checked every 10 mins. The room was the right temperature, they were in light layers, gro bag, on a flat mattress (no bumpers and definitely no sleepyhead!), and breastfed exclusively. I was okay with that tbh! The high risk of SIDS is 8 weeks and after that it falls, and is even lower past 6 months. Breastfeeding is a massively important protective factor, and (quite rightly) no one would judge someone who chose not to breastfeed so not sure why people are being quite so judgy about this one. Everything is a balance and if it doesn’t really make a difference whether you have your baby with you all evening or not then I’d keep him/her with me.

Whaaa?? Mine (now 19 and 17) went to bed at 19:00, in their moses baskets which were in our bedroom until six months, pretty much from birth. Obviously they woke to feed during the night, but it never occurred to us, nor anyone I knew tbh, that we had to go to bed at 19:00 too! That's mad. We had a baby monitor and it was absolutely fine.