My baby's lack of sleep is ruining my life

[crispyeggs]

She is just a terrible sleeper and has been since day one. Had severe colic until 16 weeks and has always, ALWAYS needed rocking and feeding to sleep. She has never slept without this. She is six months old.

The last week, this is no longer working and she is screaming bloody murder from bedtime every night, all throughout the night and is sleeping only in 20 min intervals on one of us and is waking the moment we put her down. Have tried pain relief in case it's teething pain, nothing works.

Tried sleep training g but she doesn't tire - will just scream for hours unless held.

I honestly want to die. What do I do?

Have coolest tonight and she has slept for 2 hours but woke up doing this horrendous new painful scream. It is absolutely unbearable.

I've contacted a sleep consultant. Will try literally anything.

Honestly, I will cosleep but I really, really don't want to. I really really hate it, it makes me feel suffocated and though it is better in that she sleeps, it means I absolutely don't. I feel repulsed by her touch a lot of the time even though I'm not bf. I just need distance from her, so though I've done it tonight it is so unbearable to me that I want to chop my arms off.

I really do have a massive fear that she has ASD, which I know might seem silly for a child under one but I've had it since really early. It is like there is a tightly wound spring inside her and she just cannot cope with night times. During the day she makes eye contact, smiles, plays... but at night she is like a small demon, arching her back, kicking her arms and punching her legs, she actually ripped an earring from my ear earlier tonight in her distress.

I constantly just imagine being able to go back in time and stop myself getting pregnant. I can't explain how much I hate this.

Op - this was me with dd. Especially the screaming all night thing. Her naps were often just 7 minutes long. 7 minutes! We'd have to rock her and feed her for about half an hour before finally putting her down and then...7 minutes...she's screaming awake.

I noticed some of your responses say "but will she become dependent on xyz" [eg Co sleeping etc]

No. You do whatever you have to do to get you through this phase. There is no "rod for your own back" worse than the situation you are currently in.

Co sleep even for naps. Breastfeed to sleep if this is still an option. Lie in until noon with her (if you're still on mat leave).

I co slept with dd for every nap except the ones in the pram. She never napped at nursery. Until she reached 2yo and suddenly she just...was OK. Now age 3.5 she wakes once in the night and calls for one of us to climb in with her and that's it. She isn't breastfed any more. She has a double bed in her own room.

Ds (now age 4mo) sleeps fine.

So I have a different take on this.

I don’t think anyone is as acutely aware of what’s right for your baby as you are. From what you say about her needing to be kept upright to sleep, I think she does have digestive discomfort. Likely cause is an allergy, but that may not be it. I think you should ignore the professionals and take things into your own hands.

She’s 6mo and you’ve started weaning. She slept well after the first week. Eliminate dairy for two weeks entirely and see how her mood is. It may or may not impact her sleep, but you’ll know if something is different. Just do it. Two weeks without cow’s milk (but with a good quality substitute, or making up for it in other ways) won’t harm her. You may actually notice a result when you reintroduce it.

Secondly, I KNOW it doesn’t feel this way when you’re in it, but she’s not doing this TO you. It’s not personal. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. I guarantee she wants to sleep. She wants to be comfortable, at ease, not crying, happy. Something is stopping her. She doesn’t know what, she couldn’t tell you if she did, and nobody else knows either. It just sucks. This is sometimes how it is with babies and it’s AWFUL. But there’s no alternative. You just have to try this and that until you hit on what it is.

Once I accepted that this was the baby I had and that I needed to adjust my life to that, I did feel better. The fight went out of me, in the sense that I wasn’t counting the minutes and hours and days until my life went back to what it was. I accepted that wouldn’t happen for longer than I had anticipated. I gave in, and I think my baby felt it.

To this day I feel guilty about how much I hated my baby up to that point. It wasn’t his fault. But it wasn’t mine either and I was besides myself with exhaustion and despair and hormones and all the rest of it. It changed me, for sure. But I’m many years down the line now. It does end. Feels like an eon when you’re in it. With hindsight, it was a blip.

Good luck. Just know you’re not awful, you’re not a bad mother, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re feeling your way through a highly charged and difficult situation wearing a blindfold, on your knees, with little support and very lonely. It will end though. Promise.

im so sorry op, you sound touched out which must be exacerbated by the constant rocking back to sleep.

good luck with the sleep consultant, night doulas are also an option. They won’t necessarily fix the sleep issue but will do the night and bedtime hours/routine so you can get a break.

I would try all the allergy tests etc just to be sure. Can DH do the co sleep on the weekend so you get a touch break?

wishing luck to you

Also I know someone whose stomach acid used to irritate their oesophagus so they couldn’t sleep flat but slightly upright or they had a really constant cough.

the human body often just does anything weird.

I really do have a massive fear that she has ASD, which I know might seem silly for a child under one but I've had it since really early. It is like there is a tightly wound spring inside her and she just cannot cope with night times.

Play close attention to this, it’s very insightful. Seek help accordingly. If she is having the type and depth of impact on you that you describe, seek specialised help for both of your sakes. I was repelled by co-sleeping too, I just needed space and autonomy, some type of dignity (as I felt it at the time) and separation. But I found that ensuring he was safe and in his grobag, I could turn my back on him and reverse into him so he felt my body. Somehow, by the time I fell asleep, my DH would report that it was always on my back with my face facing him, he on his back with his face facing me. Try this, maybe it will work.

I think you need to tell your health visitor that you feel "repulsed by her touch"

You poor thing. I was the same about co sleeping btw, tried it once or twice and utterly hated it.

Speak to your GP about your mental health. It's not surprising you're struggling (and I had some similar thoughts tbh) but they might be able to help with that aspect at least.

I would try giving her solids much earlier in the day, or swapping the avocado/yogurt for something more bland.
with dd she used to have something like porridge/baby rice as a last meal and not after 6pm - it was noticeable that anything more exotic (!) seemed to unsettle her overnight. This was donkeys years though so may have changed.
the best sleep I had was with my third - who co-slept with us.

Can you hire a night nanny for maybe a week to see if they can get her sleep trained ? If you're feeling suicidal it's got to be worth a shot. If you can't afford it is there a family member that can have her for a few nights to let you sleep it's the sleep deprivation making you feel so low. Hugs to you.

Obviously prioritise the baby’s safety but after that you must come first. Do whatever it takes to save yourself. Pay a sleep consultant and go to a premier inn.

I didn’t have it nearly as bad as you but even that nearly broke me and I had done all nighters with my job and thought I could cope with anything. All of us who have had this are behind you xx

Ok I know this isn't what you want to hear but you do need to go to the gp and get some medicine to help you sleep. Could you get a babysitter for one night then just get one good night? You will be amazed at how much better you feel and might find a solution you've missed.
My son was an awful sleeper, we got a sleep consultant it's been life changing. I was crying 7 hours a day from the exhaustion. I was worried I was going to hurt myself. You can't go on like this.

We had a similar baby who is now 5! It was dire, as you're describing. He slept on my chest until he was 6 months old throughout the night (desperate times desperate measures!!) and then I managed to transfer him to sleep in the next to me' crib on his tummy from 6 months. I would feed to sleep/let him sleep on me for an hour and then transfer to his bed on his tummy followed by bum patting everytime he roused which meant for a while I watched him like a hawk through the night, every time he even moved, bum pat. I also read a book by Lucy Wolfe which helped me massively. It was hard work as I was functioning on 2 hours sleep a night but it worked. Sending lots of strength.

You have my upmost sympathy, this sounds unbearably hard. I am no expert but some of the things that stood out for me were:

1. You say she is on 5 x 7oz bottles. By 6 months mine were on 4 x 8 or 9oz bottles a day. I think spacing the bottles would give more time for solids to digest better and more time to space in naps.

1. I would really simply your night routine, I remember being told to keep it short and simple to help them wind down, anything long and complicated can just overstimulate them. We did bottle, bath or wash, story, bed. We didn't use white noise or red lights but I do know these are effective for some babies.

1. My son had CMPA and your post stood out for me. I'd still push for a prescription of dairy free milk. We had to use an amino acid one to see any improvement. I also found gaviscon really constipation and had much more success with omeprazole for reflux.

I'm not against co-sleeping at all but never did it either for the reasons you mentioned but I do even wonder in your position if it could be a very short term measure just to help you all get some more sleep to get back on track. I'd definitely be getting advice from a sleep consultant too. Wishing you all the best.

My friends non sleeper is now a lovely 19 year old who enjoys all night raves…

Something really strange happened. After she woke up crying around midnight, I put her down for a minute to go and get some space for her and she fell asleep and stayed asleep until 6am.

To clarify, she doesn't need to be upright to sleep. She can be zonked, totally horizontal on my lap but the minute I move her off she is awake. She needs a warm body but the intense reaction she is suddenly having is beyond me. She used to wake a lot but it was for feeds or a little.cuddle.or even to play - this new inconsolable crying is absolutely beyond me and I don't know where its coming from but it is so distressing for all of us. My marriage was so incredibly strong but we are hanging by a thread because I have such a short fuse. It's more than just sleep deprivation, I feel traumatised by the experience of living with her.

Thank god for that.
You're not mad. I'm still traumatised. My heart rate increases and I still haven't forgiven my partner (mine left it all to me until I had a nervous breakdown).
Please take even just one night off. You deserve it xx

Hey OP! Did you get 6 hrs last night then? I've been reading your posts with increasing alarm and I think the situational sleep deprivation has tipped you into some kind of post natal depression which is completely normal as you have several of the risk factors- a kid who doesn't sleep, no support and no sleep yourself! But its not just your daughter that needs help here. Please tell your GP and HV that you are feeling this and make some space to get some support. Your husband needs to step up or ask someone in your family to come stay with you. You need sleep yourself.

To describe yourself as traumatised from your experience of being a mother is very telling and insightful. Some of the other language around being replused and the distressing impact of her tones when screaming, sound like you are in serious distress. Good luck OP. This will get better and won't last forever but get some help!

She sounds like my second. She didn’t sleep until she was 3. It was hell but me and my husband essentially did shifts every night. I did 7-3am. He got up at 3 and took over. Yes he was working. Yes we were both exhausted but we had no other choice.
Kindly you say you don’t have mental health issues but your reactions are not normal. I would speak to your GP. Yes it was awful but I was never suicidal, I didn’t hate my baby or was repulsed by her. It may be situational but your situation isn’t changing so you need to get some help before you harm yourself or her.
Babies scream, they don’t sleep, sometimes there is a reason, sometimes not. It’s just what they do. My DD is fine now, no ASD, sleeps well. It’s just a phase that you have to ride out. My phase was 3 years, hopefully yours will be shorter

I bet the poor OP didn't get 6 hours sleep. She was probably wired and anxiously anticipating her baby screaming again! I know I was!

It's so difficult to switch off when they're like this.

Like I said OP, things can change in an instant. They can be horrendous and then BAM suddenly they sleep through. There's no bloody rhyme or reason to it a lot of the time.

That's something at least OP.

You've had so much advice on this thread I'm sure it's so hard to take it all in, but did you see my post yesterday about sleep development at this age? The fact that you left her and she slept makes me wonder if that is it. Both times, and especially with my eldest, I would never have believed the week before that my DC needed to be left in peace to sleep. It was a really weird, sudden development and all of a sudden our usual routines just weren't working.

Try the nap in the cot in the dark and see what happens.

KIndly, you say you know what MH looks like but please you are saying you feel traumatised by the experience.
Its very very hard having a little baby, one that won't sleep and cries and screams.
But please get some help from a GP.

Again, pleae put ASD out of your mind for now. Children change minute by minute.

Thank you so much 💗

I've had a night off and I feel better but then I immediately go back to square one.