Why kids no longer sleep in their own beds?!

[iwasgonnasay]

This seems like a new thing because when we were kids you just went to bed.. you didn't get cuddled to sleep. And you didn't wake up every night and go into your mum and dad's room! Occasional nightmares aside.
But it seems vastly common from what I've heard that kids just do not stay in their own rooms and I just don't get what's different? I didn't do anything my mum and dad didn't and I had no problem just going to bed and staying there but my son is 5 and constantly wakes up - every night without fail. When I was aware I would take him back repeatedly to his room. Sometimes he went straight back off and sometimes I had to repeat it a few times. But now he's like a night ninja he slips into my bed without me knowing and i wake to find him fast asleep between us! I have talked to him, we've done pompom jar incentives. He just isn't getting it and he's not sleeping great and neither are we, but what else can I do? He'll go to sleep fine but without fail will at some point get in with me and I'm unaware until I wake up at 4 or 5 with a knee in my back. And by then it's nearly time to get up anyway.

Talking to family and friends with young kids this seems so common and we can't find a common denominator. Someone suggested weighted blankets and duvets but we've tried different mattresses and pillows and duvets it doesn't seem to make a difference so I'm loathed to buy more bedding if that's not going to do anything.

Anyone able to share? Or have a winge of their own :/

I think it is partly a generational thing. My sister & I were chatting about our memories of waking up in the night but it very much wasn’t an option to sleep in our parents bed. My sister remembers being scared in the night & begging to sleep in with them. My DD started her life on a special care baby unit so (sadly) got used to sleeping on her own & seemed happy with this until she was about 1 when we started co-sleeping. We still do it now she’s 5. I sleep well with my DD & my DP has insomnia so it works fine. My DD also doesn’t like sleeping on her own. I have friends though that say they are very clear on the boundaries about returning their kids to bed but I suspect it’s a bit of a chicken & egg situation (e.g. if you have a child that sleeps better & is less anxious they’re more likely to adhere to those boundaries & stay in their own bed).

Me and my sister were always in and out of my mum & dads bed when we were young. If my dad was on a night shift we would go to bed with my mum. Nothing nicer than being cuddled with your most loved people.

Our son did the same, came in whenever he wanted!

Why does it affect you if my 5 year old sleeps in my bed if she feels she needs to?

There's nothing wrong with cosleeping. What better way to feel safe when small than to slip on between your parents.

It always baffles me the amount of people on here who wouldn't even consider sleeping apart from their partners for any reason, but expect small kids to sleep alone without complaint.

I did this as a kid! I had nightmares and climbed in next to my mum all the time. One of my kids almost never did, the other is a frequent visitor and I love it. He won't be little for long, and it feels so precious. But I say this with the caveat that we bought a massive bed when it became apparent he was averse to sleeping alone. He still manages to take up about 50% of the space though.

Maybe time for a lock on your door. Learning to sleep alone is very important.

My mum said I ended up in bed with her every night until about 5 so I'm not totally sure that it never happened.

Do you sleep alone? I think you’ll find lots of people don’t.

Quite sad to imagine teaching it like this though - so a small child wakes up, feels scared and lonely, gets up in the dark looking for comfort and finds a locked door? And then what, you just ignore them and think they'll go back to bed and that's a good lesson? Personally, I choose cuddles and suspect he won't still be coming in when he's a teenager - I'm pretty sure he will learn to sleep alone eventually. Childhood doesn't last that long.

I have memories of seeing with my mum (nightmares) and bedtime stories and bedtime cuddles.

i wouldn’t have dared getting in bed with my Dad. I remember knocking on his door when I was around 9 and felt sick and just got shouted at to go back to bed. I remember vomiting and crying in the bathroom for the majority of the night. My step mum eventually got up with me.

I know which memory is rather my kids have!

Similar situation here. I'd go through phases of being terrified in bed alone but I wasn't allowed in with my mum. I used to lie awake all night trying to calm down and it was a horrible time (it even happened when I was 10).
My boys will be allowed to sleep next to me for as long as they need. My 3 year old is a sensitive wee lad and still likes one of us there. We'll see how my ten month old develops.

So is meeting your children's emotional needs🙄

I don't know if it's a new thing, I just do what feels best for us and I love having my children in the bed!

I figure it as I don't like sleeping alone so why should I make them do it!

Youngest is 1 and she's on her own first half of the night then with me the second half, and my eldest is 4 and she generally sleeps in her own bed but will sometimes climb into ours about 2/3am and she's always welcome 😊

Im sure they'll grow out of it one day and not want to be anywhere near us so for now I'm glad of the little limbs flying everywhere and their tiny little space heater bodies 😂 does get warm in the summer though!!

I used to wake in the night as a child but I knew I was not allowed to go into my mums room so I just lay in bed scared and awake. I remember once having a nightmare and I just lay in bed terrified and staring at the wall for hours until it got light.

I was never cuddled, allowed in my mums bed, etc

I'm currently in therapy having to pick over the emotional neglect that I suffered as a child. Despite the fact me thinking this was totally normal human behaviour for years, it's not.

Of course some people "turned out fine", but a lot of people didn't. It's natural for kids to seek out their parents if they wake up.

Sleeping habits in the modern day are pretty awful generally. So many people I know get 6 hrs or less a night because of work/busy lives. Blue light from screens everywhere messing up natural rhythms. Less exercise generally and more sitting messes up sleep too. It's not just children. But probably explains why there is more disturbed sleep in children.

Myself and friends were talking about this before- only time would get into parents bed was storms, most of my friends co sleep but I like my space too much so I always walked them back in and sat with them until they fell asleep or were settled (this could be hours but I just weighed it up against zero sleep but I understand people co sleeping!)

All of mine have come into my bed at some point when they were little, I used to do it when I was a kid too so I don’t think it’s new. Doesn’t bother me. I always found it hard to justify why we should force small children to sleep alone when the parents are cosy in bed together.

I also think a lot more kids used to share a room with their siblings. There are far more children with their own room nowadays. Knowing your brother or sister was in the room with you probably afforded some level of security.

Each to there own but not for us

the only thing that irritates me is when they have there kids in there bed with them then do nothing but complain and bang on about disturbed nights and kids not sleeping

We were never cuddled to sleep. I certainly wasn't allowed to get into my parents bed. I remember waking from a nightmare and standing at my Mum's side of the bed staring at her, hoping she'd wake up but not dare disturbing her! She did wake up and years later said she thought I was a ghost 😂 but I was taken back to my own bed.

I did share a room with siblings so as a PP says maybe that makes a difference as you do have company.

I agree. I think siblings used to be closer in age and share rooms more.

I keep reading about everyone co sleeping with DC from babies to kids of 10 or more. I think it's odd really and draining. Surely those who do it must know it's a habit the kids will get into. Parents need a break from their kids too. All my DC slept in their own beds. Very occasionally if they had a nightmare I'd make them hot chocolate to distract them and sit next to them for 10 mins whilst they went back to sleep.

It's very easy to say you would never co-sleep if you have kids that sleep relatively well.

One of my children is almost 11 years old and from birth to present day has woken up at least once a night every night, but usually more. For us it's easier to co-sleep because the thought of having to get up and take him back to bed multiple times a night is exhausting. We tried this and it didn't get better. We tried leaving him to cry - he cried more. Sometimes people just have to do what is best for their personal situation.

It's not an active choice - we just do what we can to make sure everyone gets the best sleep possible.

This seems like a new thing because when we were kids you just went to bed.. you didn't get cuddled to sleep. And you didn't wake up every night and go into your mum and dad's room!

Speak for yourself.

I got cuddles and ended up going into my parents bed most nights. 5 decades ago.

Was happy to do the same with my own kids.

What's the problem with that?

Mine has always preferred his own space so far, he's very nearly 1 so I suppose it can still change.

He was generally chilled as a tiny baby unless you put him in a sling or baby carrier and he'd roar and roar.

I'm not a fan of co-sleeping so it's not something I'd encourage anyway.