Why kids no longer sleep in their own beds?!

[iwasgonnasay]

This seems like a new thing because when we were kids you just went to bed.. you didn't get cuddled to sleep. And you didn't wake up every night and go into your mum and dad's room! Occasional nightmares aside.
But it seems vastly common from what I've heard that kids just do not stay in their own rooms and I just don't get what's different? I didn't do anything my mum and dad didn't and I had no problem just going to bed and staying there but my son is 5 and constantly wakes up - every night without fail. When I was aware I would take him back repeatedly to his room. Sometimes he went straight back off and sometimes I had to repeat it a few times. But now he's like a night ninja he slips into my bed without me knowing and i wake to find him fast asleep between us! I have talked to him, we've done pompom jar incentives. He just isn't getting it and he's not sleeping great and neither are we, but what else can I do? He'll go to sleep fine but without fail will at some point get in with me and I'm unaware until I wake up at 4 or 5 with a knee in my back. And by then it's nearly time to get up anyway.

Talking to family and friends with young kids this seems so common and we can't find a common denominator. Someone suggested weighted blankets and duvets but we've tried different mattresses and pillows and duvets it doesn't seem to make a difference so I'm loathed to buy more bedding if that's not going to do anything.

Anyone able to share? Or have a winge of their own :/

not something i do with mine
or my siblings with theirs
or my closest friends with theirs

anyone else - i have bugger all idea about because we don’t talk about stuff like this

I mean… does it matter? If they need the comfort, that’s our job to provide it for as long as they need it, right? My eldest rarely comes in, but my youngest goes through phases.

Are you guys the ones that answer "no" when someone asks "any more questions?"
Because it's equally as helpful.

I've wondered if it's because it's recommended to have them in your bedroom with you to sleep for a much longer period as infants now and so they don't get used to sleeping alone and develop more fear and anxiety around sleep and especially sleeping alone. In the past I imagine it was more common to put the baby to bed in its own room either immediately or very quickly.

We might be softer as parents now -when we were young we wouldn't have asked or expected it, because different kind of relationship with parents. Have you tried reward chart with your son? Ie don't come in 7 nights in a row and then get a prize.

huh?

I used to like it. We'd joke about 'ten in a bed' like the nursery rhyme, because DH or I would end up sleeping in one of the kids' beds. One memorable occasion we woke up with both of us in the bunk beds and three little piggies in ours. That was in the 90s. I'd get in bed with my parents if I had a bad dream but generally stayed in my own otherwise.

You're probably right. I'm of the generation that was put in a pram at the end of the garden so our mothers couldn't hear us cry. When I had my first child we were in a one bedroom flat so we did through necessity what parents are told to do now.

20+ years ago I co-slept with both of mine, with the older one moving to a bed next to our bed when the younger one came along, then we grauated to a row of mattresses on the floor, then to the DCs having beds in their own room, probably aged about 3ish. We always sat with them till they were asleep.

Never had any problems with them staying asleep in their own beds, barring the odd nightmare or waking due to illness. They used to wake up early which was annoying, but we lived through it.

I would say being left alone and ignored when you cry is going to produce more anxiety and fear around sleeping.

I always think it is odd that sharing a bed with someone you love is frowned upon when it is a child, but not sharing a bed with someone you love is frowned up on when it is a partner.

I don’t think this is a new thing. I remember my DB (youngest of 4) got in my parents bed every single night until nearly 9. I can’t get worked up enough to get out of bed when mine come in as it’s not every night but I have noticed they go through phases of coming in a bit more and then stop again so your DS might just be in a phase at the moment of waking or needing more comfort.
I figure they won’t do this for ever and I enjoy the extra cuddles now and again. I think with all things in parenting I’d hope that if you don’t like it you can change it by consistently taking him back whenever you notice him in your bed. Eventually it will sink in!

I don’t know. My 32 year old daughter didn’t do it. I think advice has changed but she had a cot in her own bedroom from about 6 months and she wasn’t taken into our bed once she’d stopped breastfeeding at 7.5 months. We had a small antique double bed so even if we’d wanted to, there wouldn’t have been much space for three of us! Cots are like cages so she couldn’t just come in to our bedroom of her own accord. If she needed settling or woke up, we re-settled her in her bedroom. She very rarely needed it though.

I suppose once she was old enough to either get out of her cot/ graduate to a toddler bed, she didn’t remember being in our bed. I’ve never had a TV in my bedroom so we don’t tend to hang about in there, I wonder if it’s more likely to happen if parents bring children in in the mornings or snuggle there in the evenings so they associate it with comfort? We’d be up before the children and in bed after they were asleep so it wasn’t a place they’d seek us and be able to languish with us.

As children, my brother and I never got into our parents bed. I don’t remember being prohibited but it just didn’t happen. I’m sure we’d have been gently taken back to our beds if we’d gone in to them though. I only slept in the same bed as my mother when we went to grandma’s because there weren’t enough beds. My parents, - well my mum, were very affectionate and warm so it wasn’t some ghastly Victorian frigidity.

@MagpiePi My son is three (tomorrow!) and, if he has a nightmare, myself or my husband will go into his room and comfort him until he says he's ok to go back to sleep. He doesn't come into our bed but that doesn't mean we ignore him if he's upset.

It took nights of me sleeping on their bedroom floor to break the cycle, I can imagine most (sane) people not wanting to do that

I really, really struggled to sleep when I was a kid. I spent so many nights lying awake crying. I hated being alone but I was expected to stay in bed and so I did. It was utterly miserable and incredibly lonely, and I've never quite managed to shake off the negative associations with going to bed.

I just wasn't prepared to make dd go through the same thing so I allowed her to co-sleep for as long as she wanted to.

The best advice I got from my Sil was a to get a king size bed before having children. I’d actually say a super king is better!

It depends on the child and the family dynamics how often a child wakes in the night. I also agree we are more child centred in our parenting these days.

When my Dd was about 3 we moved home and at the same time she moved from a cot to a bed. She often woke in the night and would come into bed with me. I could see that from her side, she was sleeping in a room by herself when we her parents weren’t. My only complaint was lack of sleep because I got squeezed into the middle, while husband and Dd slept fine.

I bought a cot mattress and left it at the side of my bed. She would come in the night, settle herself on the mattress, I would hold her hand, stroke her face. In 5 mins she was back asleep and so was I.

Mine have been told from a young age that if they are worried when they wake up they can either come into our bed, super king so massive and Dh (working) would switch to the child's bed or they can put a lamp on and have that on all night if needed.

The main thing for us was how to help them sleep, sometimes that meant in our bed, most of the time their bed. They have always slept in a blackout room which I feel helps. Dh and I do the same, we have 2 blinds and curtains. The landing has automatic sensor low level lights so they can get to the bathroom and the bathroom also has the same light. Never any pitch black to full brightness lights back to pitch black.

Re your door if you want to wake when it moves or is opened put some bells on it so you hear it. For us a child needing to be near us to sleep was just part and parcel of being a parent. I shared a room when I was a child, my sister was my best friend. They do grow out of it, 20 year old Ds has never crawled into our bed in the middle of the night and honestly once they stop you miss it.

I’m middle aged and I remember climbing into my parents bed. I remember being cuddled to sleep. It’s not a new thing.

I’m 59. Got in my parents bed every night until l was 6 or 7.

Imo because dps are afraid to parent these days... Dc have much less boundaries than in earlier years.. And dps have less time to parent too with working longer hours. Also where dc have 2 homes neither do wants to be the Bad Guy and set rules. Imo.

Maybe I'm unusual, but I'm nearly 50 and I did get cuddled to sleep by a parent when I was a child. So I think this did happen in previous generations.

Mine did it 50 years ago. I let them because I needed to be up for work the next morning and I'd rather sleep with a child than spend the night trying to get them into their own bed.

Maybe you're one of mine 😂

My parents were advised to get a double bed for my sister (now in her 40s) so they could climb in to cuddle her when she couldn’t sleep through. She was at infsnt school.

My ds went through a phase like that recently, I didn't do anything and he hasn't done it in ages now.

Same thing that he'd come in when I was fast asleep and I wouldn't know til I woke up. I still remember getting in with my mum when I was little. I don't think it's weird or unnatural.

like any phase if you can just ignore it then it'll most likely stop in good time.

Because sleep is undervalued in parenting today and seen as optional. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting them hop in if they’ve had a nightmare or if they’re unwell but this musical beds thing seems to be fairly recent. It’s my opinion that everyone hopping in and out of each others beds makes sleep worse overall even if it solves a problem in the moment but I wouldn’t say that to anyone or comment unless asked.