Why kids no longer sleep in their own beds?!

[iwasgonnasay]

This seems like a new thing because when we were kids you just went to bed.. you didn't get cuddled to sleep. And you didn't wake up every night and go into your mum and dad's room! Occasional nightmares aside.
But it seems vastly common from what I've heard that kids just do not stay in their own rooms and I just don't get what's different? I didn't do anything my mum and dad didn't and I had no problem just going to bed and staying there but my son is 5 and constantly wakes up - every night without fail. When I was aware I would take him back repeatedly to his room. Sometimes he went straight back off and sometimes I had to repeat it a few times. But now he's like a night ninja he slips into my bed without me knowing and i wake to find him fast asleep between us! I have talked to him, we've done pompom jar incentives. He just isn't getting it and he's not sleeping great and neither are we, but what else can I do? He'll go to sleep fine but without fail will at some point get in with me and I'm unaware until I wake up at 4 or 5 with a knee in my back. And by then it's nearly time to get up anyway.

Talking to family and friends with young kids this seems so common and we can't find a common denominator. Someone suggested weighted blankets and duvets but we've tried different mattresses and pillows and duvets it doesn't seem to make a difference so I'm loathed to buy more bedding if that's not going to do anything.

Anyone able to share? Or have a winge of their own :/

I think it might have happened more than we realised when we were younger.

I think a pp's suggestion that we were all put into our rooms from a much earlier age MIGHT also be relevant. I shared with my brother until I was about 7 so I wonder if that had an impact - I had that comfort of him being there? But we're just a year apart so we always had the same bedtime etc.

Re your DS creeping into bed - DH used to leave when this happened. And even now, occasionally DD will ask to sleep with me and on those nights, DH sleeps in her room. NO ONE gets any sleep if there are three of us in the bed - even in a kingsize bed - so this way worked better for us.

I’d argue that offering comfort when needed is the definition of parenting!

I went to my parents bed in the night ( pretty much every night ) until I was 12. So did my brother.

They never turned us away.

Both my brother and I suffer from insomnia. No idea if it's related.

My kids are 3 and 1 and I sleep with them every night. Not idea but it's the only way I can get half decent sleep.

My kids don't do this but the thing is, I wouldn't let them.

I've noticed many posters on here complain about kids getting up or coming in to their beds, but also say that it's fine, it won't be forever and they enjoy the cuddles. And that's all fine - but they are allowing the behaviour.

A big problem with kids is, once they are allowed to do something once, it becomes part of the routine forever.

For me, I just can't sleep if they are there. So I can't allow them to sleep in my bed ever, even once, no matter what. If I ever did, as a treat, if they were sick, or whatever, they'd be back the next night and the next for many years.

I didn't let them either. Until, after literally YEARS of getting up every single night to take DS back to bed/comfort him in the night etc, eventually I said, "fuck it, let him stay. DH go to his bed". And our lives miraculously improved becuase we all suddenly got some sleep.

I know it’s not specific to your situation but with mine I co-slept with both my children when they were babies and infants so bed sharing has always just been the norm from when they were born.

They have their own bedrooms now but when I put them to bed I lie with them for a good 20-30 minutes just for some downtime and some one-to-one time with them. They witter on about their day and share with me any random thoughts or nonsensical questions they have etc and it’s just a chance to connect. It’s really relaxing for them and I love just having that quiet time with them with no distractions.

Every few weeks we all have a sleepover in the living room together where we throw down mattresses and sofa cushions, pillows and blankets etc on the floor and we simply watch films and eat crap before falling asleep.

Sometimes we alternate weekends where they deep with me one at a time I.e one weekend the youngest sleeps with me in my room and the next weekend my eldest does. We do this maybe once every couple of months. Again we watch films and eat chocolate and I love it. I just love having them cuddle up to me as they fall asleep then and waking up next to them in the morning.

I just find it all really lovely and I imagine other parents do too which is why they allow it or don’t mind their kids sneaking in at some point overnight 🤷‍♀️

I think children used to be more afraid of imposing themselves on adult spaces. Parents bedrooms used to be private and you weren't allowed in there during the day. I remember waking up in the night a couple of times, going to my parents bedroom door and then feeling apprehensive about going in and waking them, so I just went back to bed. I knew even then that I wouldn't get in trouble, but it still felt like something I shouldn't do. It didn't do me any harm. I think there's less of that nowadays.

I do agree that kids will only do this if you let them. I was happy to let my dd co-sleep. She stopped doing it when she was developmentally ready to do so.

Fair enough to ban bed sharing if you don't want to co-sleep. Having had really miserable experiences myself as a child, I wouldn't have wanted to take that approach personally, but it obviously works very well for some families where the kids are quite happy to sleep independently.

I guess the people who moan about it but allow it anyway are the ones who really struggle to sleep with their kids but don't feel it's fair to the kids to insist on them sleeping alone. That might be because they have kids who particularly struggle with this.

I let my daughter do this when she was a baby, she's now 11 and will not sleep in her lovely bedroom. I'm a single parent - it's nearly always been just us; it felt cruel for her to be lonely and upset when I was in the next room.

Probably not the right thing to do, but it won't be forever.

Well my kids coming into my bed didn't last forever. Would be a bit odd now with them being in the 40s and 50s. Didn't even last into double figures, didn't even last till school age. I'd say it stopped between 2 and 3 but to be honest it wasn't that big a deal so I can't remember exactly. I think the youngest probably did it for the longest.

I've always had a strict rule of not coming into my bed and I've been blessed with two kids who sleep like logs.

That being said, both of them went through separation anxiety phases around 5-6 when they kept waking up in the night wanting me. So if it's a recent thing, it could just be age?

I think there's probably a few factors.

1. parents feel less judged if they say they cosleep than they did in the past so more of us admit we did it.
2. As a PP said, children now sleep in the same room as their parents for longer which means there's already a habit
3. children are more likely to have a room of their own from a young age these days. Would be an interesting study to see if that impacted sleep vs sharing a room.

I was scared of my parents. My kids are not scared of me at all! I think there's a middle line, I'm trying to find a balance between both (and get my kids back in their own beds haha!)

Humans have always slept together since the cave days - for warmth, comfort and safety. In the only recent past siblings would have shared beds. Children sleeping literally alone in a bed by themselves is a fairly new concept in humans really.

Children sleeping literally alone in a bed by themselves is a fairly new concept in humans really.

And it only happens in some cultures.

I agree with this. So much of the way we parent is very unnatural now. Has anyone mentioned the book Three In A Bed? It informed the way I brought up my children and its still available.

As a child I used to get into my parents' bed when I woke in the night. This was in the 80s. I think it was fairly common.
My two come into our bed and it is fairly common. However I think it is something that people don't admit unless someone else does. I definitely have friends who don't allow it and used to put a child gate on their kids' rooms to stop them coming through

Our DC sleep in their own beds an always have, but PIL like to tease 50yo BIL that he didn't sleep in his own bed until he was 17. Slight exaggeration I'm sure but I'm sure some kids have always preferred to be close to their parents.

My sister’s son occasionally crept into her bed until he was about 15 😂

We always tease him about it but only in light jest.

I think parents probably didn’t talk about it so much previously. I’m 33 and slept in my parents bed… they probably didn’t mention it to all their friends though.

This is exactly what I think

A big problem with kids is, once they are allowed to do something once, it becomes part of the routine forever

My ds is 29 and owns a house. He’d have to get in a car and drive to me in the middle of the night. So it’s not ‘forever!’

My parents lived in a tiny flat and I was a terrible sleeper as a baby. They were recommended to do cry it out with me one weekend when their neighbours were away. My mum says it was agonising but it worked. I slept alone after that.

Thing is I had a LOT of nightmares as a child. Vivid and terrifying. My father describes having to "killl" snakes in my room before I would go back to sleep , having woken screaming. I can remember surrounding myself with cuddly toys so monsters/burglars wouldn't know which of them was me.

I did get into my parents' bed sometimes and one of them would move into mine, but not often.

My kids have always come into our bed, either sleeping there from scratch or climbing in during the night. Neither have ever suffered from nightmares. I don't know if the two things are related, but I was not going to stop them until they were ready.

DD(14) probably stopped entirely round 8/9, maybe because DS was taking up the space, or she just grew out of it. DS (6) still comes in, and I will miss it when he stops quite honestly.

I don't see the problem. Unless it bothers you because you or they can't sleep properly, why is it an issue?

Fair enough, if it wasn't a big deal to you and you didn't mind, that's fine. I'm not saying it's bad to bed share, it's great if thats your thing.

But I wouldn't be able to sleep, and unfortunately I need to sleep. So I just can't do it and if that makes me a bad parent so be it.

Also if your kids didn't come in to your bed after the age of 2, that's not really what's being discussed here. Most kids aren't even out of their cot at that age, let alone in a bed that they can get out of.

Mine never did unless they were sick and then DH would be turfed out for space.

I never did with my parent but sister ended
Up in either mine or my parents bed every night for years. She just wouldn't sleep alone. Still doesn't want to sleep at home alone at 45.

All kids / people are different.