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Original poster

Ferber method?

92 replies

Strugglingmum2023 · 17/02/2023 15:18

Hi all. Please can those who have tried the Ferber method or any sleep training advice if it worked for them? My 6m old is contact napping during the day, does not sleep in his cot and wakes up hourly at night. He is fed to sleep at night and practically is on the boob all night. Please before judging I just want to hear people’s experience with sleep training. I am not sure if I will do it, I just want to see if anyone else has been in my position and or has any good experiences with this. My DS does not sleep in the cot during the day, mostly in my bed at night, does not sleep in the pushchair, or like the pushchair, does not sleep or like the car seat. I do not go anywhere, I am a first time mum and really starting to struggle.

Thank you.

OP posts:
jazzandh · 17/02/2023 15:29

This is not what you asked - but can your DS rollover? One of mine wouldn't sleep in the pram, car seat etc woke through the night - but once he rolled over he slept much better on his tummy. It seemed to explain why he never slept in the pushchair.

Original poster
Strugglingmum2023 · 17/02/2023 17:30

He rolled once, so I transitioned him from swaddle to sleeping bag about a month ago. But since, he hasn’t rolled. He does contact nap with his head in my arm crease, he covers his face and likes to be belly down on my belly. If I try and put him on his belly down in the cot during the day he just cries! He has good head control and lifts his head well but not interested in rolling just lifting his legs and smacking them down.

OP posts:
Nearlyamumoftwo · 17/02/2023 17:45

Hi @Strugglingmum2023 i did Ferber method at 6 months and best thing I ever did. I would say though that I did it because I did feel my DS was capable of coping and that it would actually work… he would be unsettled til 11pm most nights but then sleep through til 7am-ish, and only need rocking to sleep for naps then would stay in cot rather than having to contact nap the whole time. Here is my experience and what I did:

waited until 6 months and chose a Friday night and a weekend when we had no plans (so partner could help and If it was a disaster weekend wasn’t ruined). Made sure it coincided with a weekend he wasn’t ill. I wanted no reason to “question” why he was crying. I even took his temperature before we started! Made sure he wasn’t miserable with teeth. Made sure he was full, clean nappy and that he’d had a nice day. Basically made sure he was content. Put him in his cot “night darling, mummy loves you, ssssh ssssh. Kiss on forehead”. Then I walked out. Before I left the room he was wailing. Inconsolable. Stayed out the room for 2 mins, returned for 1 min to reassure. Did NOT pick him
up. He calmed down. Then repeated according to the intervals. 1st night took 45 mins to fall asleep and he slept through. 12 mins next night, next night 3 mins.

i didn’t do it for naps til about 8-9 months, but when I did it wasn’t that bad

BabyOnBoard90 · 17/02/2023 22:24

Best* *thing I ever did for the DC who was a terrible sleeper.

MooMaa83 · 12/04/2023 16:04

OP how did you get on? I'm in a similar boat with my 6mo and looking at options.

k80pie · 29/04/2023 01:58

Oh my gosh @Nearlyamumoftwo that has pretty much convinced me to try! Thank you for sharing in such detail. However my DD (6m) won't really be calmed down IN the cot when I've tried to settle her in it, she hollers and wants to be picked up - can I ask how you what you did to calm your DS down?

How are you going @Strugglingmum2023 ? And @MooMaa83 , did you give it a try?

k80pie · 29/04/2023 02:01

@Nearlyamumoftwo Also just curious if there is a reasoning behind starting with night, then waiting to do naps? I have started tentatively doing it for naps but doing the usual feed to sleep at bedtime. Maybe I should do bedtime first.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 29/04/2023 02:05

Nearlyamumoftwo · 17/02/2023 17:45

Hi @Strugglingmum2023 i did Ferber method at 6 months and best thing I ever did. I would say though that I did it because I did feel my DS was capable of coping and that it would actually work… he would be unsettled til 11pm most nights but then sleep through til 7am-ish, and only need rocking to sleep for naps then would stay in cot rather than having to contact nap the whole time. Here is my experience and what I did:

waited until 6 months and chose a Friday night and a weekend when we had no plans (so partner could help and If it was a disaster weekend wasn’t ruined). Made sure it coincided with a weekend he wasn’t ill. I wanted no reason to “question” why he was crying. I even took his temperature before we started! Made sure he wasn’t miserable with teeth. Made sure he was full, clean nappy and that he’d had a nice day. Basically made sure he was content. Put him in his cot “night darling, mummy loves you, ssssh ssssh. Kiss on forehead”. Then I walked out. Before I left the room he was wailing. Inconsolable. Stayed out the room for 2 mins, returned for 1 min to reassure. Did NOT pick him
up. He calmed down. Then repeated according to the intervals. 1st night took 45 mins to fall asleep and he slept through. 12 mins next night, next night 3 mins.

i didn’t do it for naps til about 8-9 months, but when I did it wasn’t that bad

This was exactly us with our 3 DCs. I never had to be the Mummy Martyr feeding my 3-year-old to sleep and being woken every hour until my kids were in uni, thank God hahaha

Ferbered the eldest two at 7 months and the youngest at 5 months. Full blessing from our paediatrician. It took 3 nights, plus sometimes some little resets after illness (fair enough!).

Best thing ever. We Breastfed until ~20 months, carried them everywhere, pretty “attachment parent-y”… but with sleep. I swear, my kids and I were all better with it. 10/10 recommend.

RoamSeeker · 29/04/2023 07:21

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers good to hear you weee successful doing this while breastfeeding, I did it with my first child but she was bottlefed and I’m now breastfeeding my second and wasn’t sure how it would work, don’t really understand how to night wean a breastfed baby (maybe because I’m only 5 weeks in)

k80pie · 29/04/2023 08:15

Hey @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers , just wondered if any if your three DCs were particularly spirited or strong willed? My DD is, and I’m just not sure if sleep training is going to work with her or not!

k80pie · 29/04/2023 08:29

Also - does your baby need to be night weaned to do this? Or can you still feed in the night if you feel they still need a feed?

MooMaa83 · 29/04/2023 08:37

k80pie · 29/04/2023 01:58

Oh my gosh @Nearlyamumoftwo that has pretty much convinced me to try! Thank you for sharing in such detail. However my DD (6m) won't really be calmed down IN the cot when I've tried to settle her in it, she hollers and wants to be picked up - can I ask how you what you did to calm your DS down?

How are you going @Strugglingmum2023 ? And @MooMaa83 , did you give it a try?

I'll be honest...things have gone from bad to worse. Dd is 7 months now and after a 3-4 hour stretch at the beginning of the night then wakes 2 hourly. Unfortunately she will no longer settle in bed with me co sleeping, which was our one saving grace. Having to get up, feed then settle her is killing me. The one thing putting me off Ferber is that, like yours, she will not be comforted in the cot. I try everything, but it seems to frustrate her even more and I end up picking her up. It feels like a have 2 choices....CIO (not willing to do this), or pick her up as I can't calm her any other way. Please please, if you or anyone has any thoughts/advice...I'm at breaking point.

MooMaa83 · 29/04/2023 08:39

Just to add...I have tried putting her back down when she is calm but before asleep and settle in cot....she goes nuclear. She can also keep this up for hours and I don't have the willpower!

k80pie · 29/04/2023 08:46

Oh no @MooMaa83 ! It sounds like we are in exactly the same boat. I went through all this five years ago with my DS but even though he was fairly strong willed, he took a dummy, and was able to be shush/patted. And I was five years younger and less exhausted so I had the energy to devote to it all. This just feels impossible! My partner and I sleep in shifts and have no life and are exhausted!

Hazelnuttella · 29/04/2023 08:54

Just wanted to add my experience of Ferber and answer a couple of questions @k80pie asked (haven’t RTfT though).

I did Ferber and it was life changing. I do recommend reading the book though (I downloaded the e book). It helped me to understand how sleep works and why I was doing what I was doing.

Starting at bed time is better than naps because it is easier to fall asleep - there is a biological urge to sleep at night that isn’t there in the day.

No you don’t have to night wean. We decided on set times for feeds. So if DS woke before that time, we would settle back without feeding. If he woke after the set time, we would feed.

We didn’t do a strictly hands off method, we did pick up to comfort. The key part really is that the baby is alone in their cot when they actually fall asleep. It’s fine to pick up etc when you do your check ins, but it should be brief.

Hope that helps.

MsCarrieBradshaw · 29/04/2023 08:57

Best thing I did, and both children are still great sleepers now they’re older. It’s life changing!

k80pie · 29/04/2023 10:03

Thank you so much @Hazelnuttella , yes that helps a lot!
Did it take the magical three nights for you, or did you find it was longer?

MooMaa83 · 29/04/2023 10:51

@k80pie I also have an older one (6 yo) and finding it so much harder!

@Hazelnuttella that does help....I thought it was strictly no picking up. Knowing I can do that makes it feel much more doable. Can I ask....when you do put back down, even if they cry you walk away and leave them until the alloted time to go back in? I do need to read the book....that will be baby sleep book number 5 I've read!

k80pie · 29/04/2023 12:31

@MooMaa83 Oh it is so much harder isn’t it - not to mention the problem of not wanting to wake the older kid when doing the training! (but the whole notion of it actually working in less than a week and being life changing and the fact that they would both have less exhausted, well rested parents really appeals!)

Hazelnuttella · 29/04/2023 12:34

It worked really quickly for us. First night took him 20 mins to go to sleep (did check ins after 1 min, 2 mins, then every 5 mins).

That first night he slept the longest stretch he’d ever slept (5hrs). literally like a miracle, he used to wake every hour.

Second night took 10 mins to go to sleep, every night after that just a couple of mins. He’s 2 now and still goes to sleep within seconds.

Yes, we would still walk away if he was crying. To be honest he used to cry so much when we rocked him to sleep because he was so tired anyway, so it wasn’t really “more” crying than we were used to.

We kept to quite short intervals, but if it sounded like he was starting to settle on his own we would wait a bit longer to give him a chance to settle.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 29/04/2023 12:45

We picked ours up for a quick hug plus to recite our mantra (night time is for sleeping. We love you very much, and we’ll see you in the morning.)

The second we put them down, they would protest. So yep, there was crying. We knew that they were crying because they weren’t getting their preference though, not because there was anything wrong. They were well fed, with clean nappies, lots of cuddles, no illness. The only disagreement was whether we’d let them fall asleep in our arms. They said yes (waaaaah!), we said no. We stuck to our guns and they slept through within three nights for the eldest and youngest, and within a week for our middle guy (“strong willed” definitely describes him!)

Re breastfeeding: I’d feed before our bedtime routine, and first thing in the morning. At night, during Ferber, my DH would go in to settle the babies instead of me, so that I wasn’t flaunting my milk in front of them… that felt like it would be a bit much hahaha

MooMaa83 · 29/04/2023 14:52

We have to do something...perhaps if we could co sleep I would try and ride it out but I feel we have no option. @k80pie what time intervals do you think you'll use? I wish other people weren't going through this....but it is helpful knowing we're not alone!

k80pie · 30/04/2023 09:37

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Thank you so much for sharing this!

@MooMaa83 I have no idea what time intervals or anything yet! I need to make a plan after doing a bit more reading. What about you?
I am co-sleeping for the second half of the night, she spends the first part in the cot (while my partner takes that shift until he can’t settle her any more and he wakes me to take over). I’m too exhausted to keep putting her in the cot the way things are…she sleeps slightly longer stretches next to me in the bed. I’m not a fan of co-sleeping though - for one thing, I miss my partner (he sleeps in the other room so she can have the other half of our bed!) How come you can’t co-sleep?

k80pie · 01/05/2023 13:53

Oops and thank you too @Hazelnuttella ! Yes DD cries a lot on me when I’m rocking her so I figure it wouldn’t be much more than that; if it leads to her being able to fall asleep more easily it will spare us a lot of future crying!

MooMaa83 · 01/05/2023 14:13

k80pie · 30/04/2023 09:37

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Thank you so much for sharing this!

@MooMaa83 I have no idea what time intervals or anything yet! I need to make a plan after doing a bit more reading. What about you?
I am co-sleeping for the second half of the night, she spends the first part in the cot (while my partner takes that shift until he can’t settle her any more and he wakes me to take over). I’m too exhausted to keep putting her in the cot the way things are…she sleeps slightly longer stretches next to me in the bed. I’m not a fan of co-sleeping though - for one thing, I miss my partner (he sleeps in the other room so she can have the other half of our bed!) How come you can’t co-sleep?

I'm thinking 1 mins, then 2mins then 5mins max (or longer if the crying isn't too distressed) but have ordered the book to have a read. With co sleeping now she just squirms/fusses, latches on and off and then cries....so I have to get up, rock her then back in the cot. We've just been away for a couple of nights and she has for the first time been able to self settle without us doing anything differently...First night she slept 7.30-2.30am, which is unbelievable. Second night awful again. So we might give it a couple more nights at home, then if still bad do the sleep training. I'm dreading it, but we can't carry on as we are. Keep me posted how you get on. Good luck!