Newborn will only sleep when held. We have tried everything!

[Helpmeimtired]

Hello all

First time poster.

I am at my wits end and really starting to worry about the well-being of my family.

My 6 day old DS absolutely refuses to sleep anywhere other then my arms and occasionally my partners arms.

We have had no sleep at all for days now.

When DS wakes he has to be soothed by feeding which sends him straight off to sleep but within 5 mins (occasionally 20) of putting him down in his crib he awakes and instantly requires soothing in the form of a feed. Nothing else works.

To get some sleep me and my partner have attempted to share the load by holding him 3 hours at a time but most of the time this doesn’t work as he either wakes up 20 mins after passover to my partner from which the whole process is required to start again.

We have had very little success. For example he did sleep 3hrs in the crib one night but was only possible due to my partner staying awake and rocking the crib if DS became restless and putting his pacifier back in his mouth once he lost it.

He has napped maybe twice for 2 hours during the day in his crib, but always seems to have extremely light sleep and on the verge of waking up any second.

I am very concerned about the amount of sleep he is getting as well as us.

We are trying really hard to get him adjusted to his crib and feel like I have tried every trick in the book. Below is what I have already attempted.

1. white noise
2. raising one end of the crib
3. rocking (both in arms and the crib itself)
4. using my shirt as a sheet for scent comfort
5. dummy/pacifier
6. swaddling (if anything this seems to just agitate him)
7. pick up and put down technique
8. keeping hand on his head/stomach for comfort and walking away slowly after he drifts off
9. leaving the room
10. co sleeping (only works if he’s pressed against my chest which is totally unsafe, and wakes up if rolled over onto his back and a mere inch away from me)
11. partner supervising me attempting to sleep whilst DS is in my arms (totally unfeasible)

it’s worth noting I am exclusively breast feeding and believe my milk is only just coming in.

I appreciate this is very early days, but does this behaviour sound normal? Should he see a doctor?

The frequency of him wanting feeds is about once every hour for 45 mins.

Is there anything else we can try?

This way of life is completely unsustainable and we need help.

thank you

Nope just a normal baby!

This is totally normal and the reason I’m not keen on the newborn stage! It will get better OP, hang in there and congratulations.

DD1 has just gone through this, exactly the same at the start. Her baby is now 8 weeks old and things are much better. Baby will play on a mat awake and sleep in the crib for periods of time.

As others have said, it’s normal but so, so hard. My eldest was like this and we had a good few weeks of shift sleeping as she needed a human mattress. My other two needed that for shorter periods thankfully. But all of them took some time to simply be put in their Moses basket or pram and sleep. They preferred a human or a sling. And even without the wanting to sleep on you, cluster feeding in the early weeks of breastfeeding is hard and keeps you up into the small hours. A few thoughts for you to add to what you’ve heard.
I tried swaddling with my third and it seemed to help. I was shown how to do it and you put it on more tightly than you’d expect, which gives them the feeling they remember from being inside. I had thought I’d tried it and it was pointless with my previous two but I just hadn’t been doing it properly.
After a couple of punishing weeks I co slept with my first, which helped me get some level of sleep. I slept on my side and she probably did to a degree, kind of facing me, as she suckled so much, but we had the duvet round my waist etc.
A sling during the day can give you some respite. If you find that they’re a baby that needs constant movement then bouncing on a yoga or birthing ball with the baby in the sling can at least let you sit down but still give the baby the feeling of movement that they need.
Regarding whether to top up or introduce formula, advice is of course to avoid it, especially when you’re establishing your supply to exclusively breastfeed (if that’s what you’re aiming to do). I did that with my first two, but like a previous poster I’m also epileptic and third time round I was having a number of issues. We introduced one bottle of formula per night so that I could get an extra stretch of sleep. Perhaps we were lucky but it didn’t affect me establishing breastfeeding the baby at all. And as his stretches of sleep got longer some months in we phased it out. But if, as you say, the baby only wants to sleep on you anyway it might not help you because the baby would still want to be sleeping on you regardless of what it had to eat.
Good luck, those first few weeks with all my children are something I will never forget but you will get through it.

I ended up using a dummy with my boy as he was the same - just wanted constant holding and suckling for comfort. I really hadn’t imagined myself using a dummy at all, but like you I just wasn’t coping with the demand (because of lack of sleep and raw nipples!)

Bear in mind too that just because you’ve tried things once or twice and they haven’t worked doesn’t mean they won’t work again. At this age they are changing and growing constantly and getting used to the outside world, so keep trying different things and return to things that you’d ruled out before. Each day you’ll get to know your baby’s needs and preferences a bit more. And just as you think you have it all figured out they’ll change again!

Parenting is a huge lesson in learning to go with the flow and take each moment as it comes.

Sorry but where did I say pump his tummy full of formula ? I suggested topping up with formula to help him settle as the op sounded exhausted If you are going to quote me at least quote what I have actually said

Mine was like this for 5 weeks! We took the night in shifts to hold the baby whilst the other one tried to get some sleep with ear plugs in. Dad's sleep shift was a bit longer due to breastfeeding limitations, but I did get 4-5 hours most nights! I would be on baby duty until 3-4am and right after a feed would hand baby over to husband who would then around 6am give baby a bottle of either ready to feed formula (first couple weeks only) or breastmilk that I'd collected during the other night feeds (once I'd figured out a system), and he would then wake me up when the next feed was due usually around 8am. Those little bottles didn't affect my supply in any meaningful way, and 8 months later I'm still breastfeeding and haven't used formula since the very early weeks. After 5 weeks baby started being ok sleeping in a purflo nest for short periods and the handover would get stretched a bit later because I was able to get a bit of sleep earlier in the night too.

It sucks but it's totally normal newborn behaviour!

I meant to ask,does your baby sleep better in the daytime? They do seem to come out nocturnal.

I struggled to breastfeed all 3 of mine and found the exact same. I ended up topping up with formula. Some will say that it will reduce supply (true) and that if you persist your supply will establish. The latter part is the bit I struggled with. I was permanently attached to mine for 10 days and I mean permanently and all that happened was they lost weight. I was too worried to stick it out. Once I topped up they started sleeping much better. With my third the midwife told me i was doing great and that my milk was more than enough because she had wet nappies and lots of poos. She was then admitted to hospital and put on formula as it turned out she had a milk allergy and had lost far too much weight. With my previous experience and by that point confident belief that breastfeeding was too hard for me she moved to prescription formula. I did express and breastfeed as much as I could and switched to a diary free diet myself.

I have learnt is that all you can do is your best. Being a new mum is a shock and we have no clue what we're doing and you make it up as you go along. Do what feels right and what makes YOU feel best and happiest. If that's formula please don't beat yourself up.

Why don't you do 1 formula feed and express between other breastfeeds to keep your supply going. See what happens after that 1 formula feed and then you'll know whether it makes a difference for you.

Haven't read all the responses OP but just to say my DD2 was exactly the same...I promise it does get easier. She also has never been able to settle on her back, even now she is 4 months old. I know this is not recommended but she has slept on her side co sleeping with me with a rolled towel behind her. We spent ages researching and weighing up the risks of this, but at the time it was either this or she slept on our chests, or we spent the whole night awake trying to settle her on her back. I was struggling to function and unsafe to drive and something had to change. At first she had to be pressed against me, but now i can shuffle away and she stays asleep. I can also just now sometimes remove the towel and gently roll her onto her back once she's in a deep sleep, but it's hit and miss. Sometimes you have to risk assess for an individual situation. I also breastfeeding, and the reason I have persevered is so I can continue co sleeping and feeding lying down as it's been the only way to get some rest. Good luck and you will get through this, even though it feels relentless at the time xxx

Hello everyone.

I wanted to circle back onto this thread as I was so lucky to have received so many responses full of help and guidance.

Thank you all for taking the time out to try and help me.

My DS’s sleep at night has improved ten fold.

Some people will be disappointed to here that the solution for us was to start combi feeding with formula.

I was not producing enough milk to fulfill his demand and I had a very hungry, stressed and agitated baby on my hands. With a bottle of formula before bed or expressed breast milk, my baby is settling in his crib, on his back, safely for the night, only waking for feeds as expected every 2/3 hours.

This has improved our quality of life to no-end.

I am continuing to breast feed for the majority of the time and so far I have had no issues around reduced supply.

Other things that have definitely improved my baby’s sleep are the 5 S’s from Dr Harvey Karp (as recommended by some of you on here). Especially swaddling (I bought the Harvey Karp SleepA swaddle suit) and swinging and shhshing to settle him if he stirs.

Me and my partner now also have a more robust system of taking 3 hour shifts to ensure we both get some sleep (we should of done this from the very beginning of course but we got ourselves into a bit of a sleep deprived prison where we could not think straight).

I am sure this will not last and there will be fresh challenges to deal with, but I now know I can handle it and everything is fixable and most probably a phase.

The next hurdle is trying to navigate my partner going back to work next week!

Thank you all for your help. This is an amazing community!

I am so happy things are better - good on you for powering through solutions while sleep deprived!

I'm one of the posters who swore by swaddling and that book. So happy it worked for you. Happy you've found a bunch of solutions that work for your family.

I'm pleased things are improving for you, OP. A book I found very interesting when I was pg (sorry I can't remember what it's called) was about how someone observed mothers in the Amazon - they sleep in hammocks and the babies are strapped to them, day and night, feeding at will. The babies never cried. Once I realised that over centuries and cultures, this is broadly what women have done, it made sense to me. (And other animals like primates too.) The babies are always with them. I had twins, and although I didn't have them in a sling I did feel as if I was feeding all the time, and they co-slept with us, often ending up wriggling up on the pillow in the morning! Having them next to me all night and being able to feed without fully waking up was bliss.

OP, there is no disappointment in combination feeding, you are giving your baby what he needs!

Totally normal I had this with dc2. I found it was possible to transfer my baby to a cot after a feed if I let them fall into a deep enough sleep, usually by holding for 20 mins first. You can tell when they’re in a deep sleep as they go floppy.

I think really going slow during the transfer to cot is key so you move so slowly and gently that you don’t trigger their startle reflex which wakes them up. Also make sure the cot / Moses basket isn’t cold as that can wake them up too.

It doesn’t always work, when my baby woke up I’d have to restart the process of settling and letting them fall into a deep enough sleep.

If you keep doing it, you’ll eventually succeed and the more they sleep in their Moses basket / next to you crib the more they’ll get used to it.

I absolutely disagree with you. My dd was in high dependency for the first few weeks and I exclusively expressed and bottle fed her. My milk supply was absolutely fine and I continued to BF until she was 18 months.

As other posters have said, it’s normal unfortunately! Have you tried the next to me crib? This really helped when my own both refused the Moses basket

Glad things have improved OP!

Disturbed sleep like you had is awful. Once you’ve had a bit more sleep everything is easier to cope with.

and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks re formula!