Newborn will only sleep when held. We have tried everything!

[Helpmeimtired]

Hello all

First time poster.

I am at my wits end and really starting to worry about the well-being of my family.

My 6 day old DS absolutely refuses to sleep anywhere other then my arms and occasionally my partners arms.

We have had no sleep at all for days now.

When DS wakes he has to be soothed by feeding which sends him straight off to sleep but within 5 mins (occasionally 20) of putting him down in his crib he awakes and instantly requires soothing in the form of a feed. Nothing else works.

To get some sleep me and my partner have attempted to share the load by holding him 3 hours at a time but most of the time this doesn’t work as he either wakes up 20 mins after passover to my partner from which the whole process is required to start again.

We have had very little success. For example he did sleep 3hrs in the crib one night but was only possible due to my partner staying awake and rocking the crib if DS became restless and putting his pacifier back in his mouth once he lost it.

He has napped maybe twice for 2 hours during the day in his crib, but always seems to have extremely light sleep and on the verge of waking up any second.

I am very concerned about the amount of sleep he is getting as well as us.

We are trying really hard to get him adjusted to his crib and feel like I have tried every trick in the book. Below is what I have already attempted.

1. white noise
2. raising one end of the crib
3. rocking (both in arms and the crib itself)
4. using my shirt as a sheet for scent comfort
5. dummy/pacifier
6. swaddling (if anything this seems to just agitate him)
7. pick up and put down technique
8. keeping hand on his head/stomach for comfort and walking away slowly after he drifts off
9. leaving the room
10. co sleeping (only works if he’s pressed against my chest which is totally unsafe, and wakes up if rolled over onto his back and a mere inch away from me)
11. partner supervising me attempting to sleep whilst DS is in my arms (totally unfeasible)

it’s worth noting I am exclusively breast feeding and believe my milk is only just coming in.

I appreciate this is very early days, but does this behaviour sound normal? Should he see a doctor?

The frequency of him wanting feeds is about once every hour for 45 mins.

Is there anything else we can try?

This way of life is completely unsustainable and we need help.

thank you

Op your baby is 6 days old!!! He doesn't know where he is, why he's suddenly in a cold, loud environment, why he is being left in a large empty space alone! He needs comfort, love, closeness. It's the 4th trimester and it lasts for a while so you will have to give in to it.

Take it in turns to hold the baby. Learn to safely co-sleep. Baby-wear. They get out of this stage eventually but you need to chill!

I spent most of the first 8 weeks of my babies life either on the sofa with him asleep on my chest, or with him in a sling. He loved the sling!

Could everyone please stop telling OP to chill. Safe sleep guidelines are there for a reason and it's incredibly stressful if your baby just. Won't. Follow. Them.

It's understandable the OP is stressed and upset if she's being forced into a situation that feels unsafe!

Early days are tough.

Please don’t wait 6 weeks to introduce a bottle if you want to do it now. The early days are really tough so do whatever you need to.

I combi fed from 4 days old and it was (and still is) a life saver. I also gave a dummy from day 1 and never had an issue with supply or latch. Never had bottle or bf refusal.

I pump for the feeds we give a bottle and use to freeze the breast milk so we had a supply but also introduced formula v early on.

I now have a hands free pump which means I can pump on the go and saves lots of time in comparison to the one I had previously.

A swaddle and dockatot for day naps worked for us and a sling. Try a rockit on the pram? I think you can get something similar for a cot but I can’t remember what it’s called.

My daughter is 10 days old and my first baby. The hospital told me I had to supplement with formula as a condition of release when she was 3 days old. They said she’d lost too much weight already.

(Honestly I think they were talking nonsense as she hadn’t even lost 10% and was starting to regain weight, but I gave some formula anyway because it’s hard to say no to a doctor. I was devastated about this and spent the first weekend feeling guilty, undermined angry etc. I was really worried it would sabotage my efforts to bf).

Anyway… I am epileptic and had a sleep deprivation and stress-induced seizure on day 4. I realized I couldn’t go on with no sleep and a 30 ml bottle after feeding seemed to knock her out for a 3-hour stretch. So for now that is what we are doing. I breastfeed all day and night on demand. I make sure to wake her and feed if she naps more than 2 hours in the day without a feed. But if I still can’t get her down at 3am, DP gives her a bottle and rocks her to sleep.

It’s not ideal but it hasn’t affected my supply I don’t think. The last couple of nights she’s been able to do 2 hour nighttime stretches with only breast milk, and I’m expressing using a haakaa during the day to have a backup bottle.

Stress and illness will affect your milk supply so if you need to mix feed to get through the first couple of weeks, I’d say do that.

Having a newborn is brutal and no one can really prepare you for it!

My 4th was the worst - she had to be held ALL the bloody time for the first 6 weeks!! She was in a sling in the day and slept on me at night - tummy down on my chest - this is most definitely NOT recommended but i propped my arms up so she couldn’t fall and my husband moved rooms for 6 weeks. I am not telling you to do this but I am saying that this is how some people make it through the first few weeks!

Can you see if there is a local breastfeeding support group nearby? These are often peer to peer and offer great advice and support, also lending out slings etc.

The first 3 months of a baby's life if sometimes referred to as the 4th trimester. Human babies are born so unprepared for life they need to be cuddles and rocked like they're still in the womb. It's totally normal and very healthy for the baby to do this. I know it feels so hard right now, but it's only for a really short time.

6 days ago, he was inside you. This is normal

Our DD was the same. I was absolutely exhausted as she was more likely to sleep with me. But after research I realised it was going to be my norm for that time. So I did what I could do to get some rest.

I'm not going to lie though I was just exhausted for weeks. I remember reading so many comments to just enjoy it, it's the fourth trimester that I found patronizing as there was no practical help.

Things that I did to ease it, spent the days on sofa/in bed with her to establish feeding. DH did everything around house, all cooking/cleaning. I had to co-sleep as it was the only way I could get some sleep. Followed the co-sleeping guidelines but I did struggle to sleep well as I was too anxious about it. After giving baby a full feed in morning DH would take her so I could get more sleep. I also expressed milk as soon as I could and give her a bottle before night sleep which managed to get a longer stretch of sleep. This meant I was going to bed at like 8 but would usually get a good 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep.

I hope some of this helps. Even looking back on that stage, whilst I do not miss the exhaustion, I do miss DD being that cuddly and rested in my arms.

By the way, I found these video clips the other day and they’ve helped me understand what her feeding should look like. ibconline.ca/breastfeeding-videos-english/

I think at first my girl was mainly comfort-sucking and not swallowing enough milk. Maybe that’s just normal anyway after the first week of cluster feeding, but I think things have changed around for us a lot in the last week experimenting with latch and different bf positions, looking for that long swallow movement in her jaw. She seems to get more from shorter feeds now.

Good luck, I really hope you get some sleep soon xx

Not RTFT but you are being unreasonable. Welcome to the newborn stage!! Babies needs closeness to their mums, not a cot, or white noise or whatever remedies suggested so far. It is a few days old!

Screw those posters saying 'this is just what babies are like, what did you THINK would happen?!?!' they clearly did not have a baby like this.

I do! It's hell. You can't live like this, it's totally unmanageable and not to mention actually pretty callous to expect a new mother to go entirely without sleep because it's "what baby needs". What baby need is a mother who can function! You are trying to recover from one of the most physically challenging events a human body can go through. You need rest.

Co-sleeping doesn't work for us for exactly the reason you say - they're not on you. Bottle refusing. Didn't want to be put down.

What has helped - sling during the day. The Izmi is the best carrier I've found and it's only £40 or so, lots available secondhand on Vinted for £10. Hopefully dad can sling and take them out the house for a long 2hr nap while you sleep. I know you say baby only wants you, but if you keep trying hopefully it will happen.

As poster upthread mentioned, when at wits end I have propped myself up with pillows and had baby sleep on me. This is against SIDS advice. The idea of getting an Owlet sock for baby is a good one.

When trying to put baby down (if baby has had a good feed), dark room, loud white noise, swaddle, dummy. If all else fails, do you have any savings you could spend on a maternity nurse/night nurse? We're not supposed to raise families in isolated units. We're supposed to have extended family to help us, take the baby for a contact nap while mum rests, make food etc. No shame in paying someone to help you when this isn't available to you, it can make a world of difference if you can afford it - I know not everyone can.

In time it will get better but it is hell when you're in it.

Oh love. I have no useful advice as I’m one and done with a DS who is 9 but want to say what warriors all you mamas are! I couldn’t even bear the thought of breast feeding by the time he arrived as I was so broken from pregnancy and birth. Those bewildering days when they’re small, and the lack of sleep, is brutal. Ask for help, let your standards on housework disappear, talk & talk on here if you need to all of a sudden they’re a bit older, and the shock has worn off. It DOES get better.

If you can afford it, try a snoo. I had one and worked like magic for my baby from the day we used it. Not sure if it’s the rocking or the white noise ..
We bought it in one of their discount days and the price was high ( 670) but sold it after for 600 on eBay .. the best 70 quid I have ever spent
on a side note, if your milk is only just coming in, could he be waking because he’s hungry? What was his weight like at the 5 day weigh in.. was reading some stories about babies who were ebf and not getting milk therefore crying all the time

Best advice I ever had was from a colleague with lots of baby experience, who told me just to go with it for the first 3 months. It probably saved my sanity,because I was used to being in control and that kind of gave me permission to just go with the flow.

By 8 weeks, we were getting whole stretches of unbroken sleep. I won't mention what happened at 20 weeks😆

Iv never had this with my two daughters it sounds exhausting. I always just put them in the baby nest next to me and used a dummy if required. I bottlefed though. Hope you get some sleep soon.

You mentioned he doesnt like going onto his back after a feed. Are you winding him thoroughly after each feed? When I had ds I didn't realise breastfed babies needed winding just as much as bottlefed babies, fortunately a midwife clued me in at the hospital. I also didn't realise how long it takes to properly wind a baby, I thought a couple of pats on the back was enough. My midwife must have rolled her eyes at my cluelessness, but she never showed it fortunately.

I remember the first two weeks with ds were literally hell. I was exhausted. He didn't sleep at all. He fed constantly, my nipples were shredded, every feed was excruciating and seemed endless. I had to get dh to cut food for me so I could eat one handed. I got a crash course in clusterfeeding, it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

At day 10, after I'd also had mastitis, been up all night feeding, and finally got to sleep at about 4.30, my dh couldn't stand watching me suffer any more, so when ds woke up again at 5am, he took him downstairs and gave him a bottle of formula. I got 4 hours uninterrupted sleep, and the whole situation seemed a lot easier after that. It was the right choice for all of us. It didn't magically get better in that moment, and to be honest it wasn't until ds was about 6 weeks that it really started to get better, when he started sleeping for longer than 90 minutes.

I went on to breastfed ds until he was one. He had the occasional bottle of formula in there, and some expressed milk too. My supply was fine and his daddy also got to give him feeds, which helped them bond too. One bottle of formula at this point isn't going to end your breastfeeding journey. But equally if you do want to switch to formula, then that is an option for you, and you shouldn't feel any guilt at taking it.

Also your child is so new to the world. A week ago he was cocooned in a warm dark world where he was constantly cuddled tight to you. His life has changed beyond measure and he's working through that, by seeking out that cocooning feeling again, to make him feel safe. Anything you try with him needs to be given time to work, and seen in that context. White noise might not work instantly, for example, but over time it might have an effect. Your baby needs to learn and develop, get used to the changes in his world, and that takes time.

Good luck lovely, it's hard, really really hard. The toughest thing I have ever done. But you will get through it, and it will get better. Ds is five now, and still loves cuddles from his mommy. Hang in there.

It’s so exhausting,I was in tears frequently especially with my first.

I mixed fed mine (I medically had to with my second).

I wouldn’t recommend expressing,it will be an extra hassle at the moment!

I also followed Dr Karp. Can you swaddle ds when he’s calm,and not already crying? It does make them feel more secure.
I had to do a tight swaddle,dummy and white noise BUT it had to be all 3!

Breast feeding is so hard,I found bottle feeding so much easier as at least I could rule out hunger. Very personal decision though. I was lucky and had lots of milk so expressing was easy for me. Breastfeeding is easier and more convenient long term though.

Completely normal. The first couple of months are really hard but you just have to get through it. Take it in turns, and each parent leaves the room with baby when it’s their turn. Your DH can take the baby downstairs to sleep on him whilst you get a few hours sleep in bed then switch and you do the same. We did this for the first two months then it started to get a bit better. In all honesty 6 days isn’t very long and you will get used to less sleep.

Totally NOT normal, these babies need sleep. Mine was like this and she had banging silent reflux. Doctor suggested carobel in every feed. Fixed it straight away, there are other thickeners and thickening formula but these can give baby terrible constipation. Also look out for cmpa or like in our case actually milk allergy which is rare but possible, shows up in different ways. Good luck, hope you get some sleep and settle in soon. My first baby was a dream and our second had a milk allergy and silent reflux and it was genuinely awful, i think unless people experience something like this then they have no concept or how frigging hard it is. Xx

Oh, and also keep an eye on how feeding is going, if you're worried then get a lactation consultant to check the latch. Get a tongue tie assessment. Look into silent reflux. Mine has issues with all of these and they all affect sleep

It is normal. I’m so sorry 🙈

Most babies want to be held while they sleep - it’s an evolutionary survival thing I guess. But many babies also learn to accept eg being put in cot. Sleep training such as pick up out down / gradual retreat etc is basically forcing the baby to accept sleeping alone.

BUT the hideous truth is that sleep training doesn’t work on very strong-willed children. I had one, perhaps you do too. Now he is older, his iron will is an asset. When he was a baby, it was not.

Hopefully things will get easier. Try to see this as a journey you are taking - a really difficult (but rewarding) journey, and not as a problem to solve. You can’t fix a baby, only wait for it to get older and become mad in a slightly different way.

You could try a cot that attaches to the bed so that you can put your arm
through the bars while you sleep and the angry yelling baby can at least feel you are there. This mught help you get some
sleep.

Again, I’m sorry. It’s so so hard.

I bf and used to nurse every 2 hours in night for the first 3-4 months. I also kept baby upright and sleeping against my chest/shoulder for half hour after a feed to help it settle. My husband slept in the spare room while I bedshared for about 18 months. Normal.

Clearly your baby had an issue, but as you can see from the rest of the comments, what the OP is experiencing really is very normal and common.

Six days old they still think they are part of you, it's the called the fourth trimester.