Newborn will only sleep when held. We have tried everything!

[Helpmeimtired]

Hello all

First time poster.

I am at my wits end and really starting to worry about the well-being of my family.

My 6 day old DS absolutely refuses to sleep anywhere other then my arms and occasionally my partners arms.

We have had no sleep at all for days now.

When DS wakes he has to be soothed by feeding which sends him straight off to sleep but within 5 mins (occasionally 20) of putting him down in his crib he awakes and instantly requires soothing in the form of a feed. Nothing else works.

To get some sleep me and my partner have attempted to share the load by holding him 3 hours at a time but most of the time this doesn’t work as he either wakes up 20 mins after passover to my partner from which the whole process is required to start again.

We have had very little success. For example he did sleep 3hrs in the crib one night but was only possible due to my partner staying awake and rocking the crib if DS became restless and putting his pacifier back in his mouth once he lost it.

He has napped maybe twice for 2 hours during the day in his crib, but always seems to have extremely light sleep and on the verge of waking up any second.

I am very concerned about the amount of sleep he is getting as well as us.

We are trying really hard to get him adjusted to his crib and feel like I have tried every trick in the book. Below is what I have already attempted.

1. white noise
2. raising one end of the crib
3. rocking (both in arms and the crib itself)
4. using my shirt as a sheet for scent comfort
5. dummy/pacifier
6. swaddling (if anything this seems to just agitate him)
7. pick up and put down technique
8. keeping hand on his head/stomach for comfort and walking away slowly after he drifts off
9. leaving the room
10. co sleeping (only works if he’s pressed against my chest which is totally unsafe, and wakes up if rolled over onto his back and a mere inch away from me)
11. partner supervising me attempting to sleep whilst DS is in my arms (totally unfeasible)

it’s worth noting I am exclusively breast feeding and believe my milk is only just coming in.

I appreciate this is very early days, but does this behaviour sound normal? Should he see a doctor?

The frequency of him wanting feeds is about once every hour for 45 mins.

Is there anything else we can try?

This way of life is completely unsustainable and we need help.

thank you

It's totally normal but it doesn't last. I wouldnt recommend expressing or topping up with formula at this stage unless you want to stop breastfeeding (which is obviously fine if you do but won't necessarily lead to more sleep).

Sleep in shifts, call in any help you can for housework, food etc. It's survival mode at first but also the most magical, incredible time. With my third I bed shared right from the off as I was single with a teenager, toddler and newborn who wouldn't be put down ever, so I did what I had to do, but appreciate its not for everyone.

Good luck, it does get easier. This is very very early days

Totally normal. At this stage, he doesn’t understand that he is a separate person from you. Your body is all he has known and he’s only had 6 days of feeling sensations such as hunger, thirst, cold, hot, textures of nappies and clothing, bright lights, noises not being filtered through your belly and fluid, smells….you get the idea. Plus, babies which were content with being put down in caveman times were eaten by bears fairly quickly. It’s an evolutionary survival instinct not to want to be anywhere but in parents’ arms at this age.

It will pass. But in the meantime:

If you introduce formula there’s no guarantee of more sleep and you will harm your supply and probably stop breastfeeding at this age. If that’s not important to you, it’s worth a try, but personally I wouldn’t as there are mo guaranteed improvements. You can introduce formula if you wish in a few weeks when your supply is established but it’s too early now.

Sleep separately. You do the night shift with baby and put DH in a spare room so he gets a full night’s sleep. That way, in the day he can take baby for a walk in the pram (while you get sleep - doesn’t matter if baby cries a bit, it won’t harm him) and he does all nappies and housework. You literally just rest and feed. No point you both being up in the night.

Read up on cluster feeding and watch out for when your baby wants to do it. All babies do at some point in the day. My first baby fed constantly from 10pm-2am once he was about 10 days old, but would then sleep a bit longer. I got comfy with box sets and biscuits and just saw it as time to sit and do nothing but feed. Try to encourage baby staying at the breast for longer stretches of time, then he’s more likely to sleep for longer.

Try a sling. They are a godsend. A stretchy wrap is great for newborns and if you Google sling meets there’s hopefully a local one which can show you what to do.

Ask your health visitor about bf support groups in your area. It’s a huge help to meet other mums going through it and know you’re not alone.

And finally: you’ve just made a whole human with your body and your identity has shifted to become a mother. It’s the biggest change YOU will ever go through and it comes at a time when you’re hurting, leaking, bleeding and bruised. Give yourself time to adjust to how life has changed. You will get there. This is a really tough time but he’ll start to sleep longer and you will start to find it a bit easier.

The catch 22 is that I can’t catch up on sleep during the day as he will only sleep on me. And very occasionally with my partner.

That combined with 45min feeds every hour during the night, it’s a completely unfeasible situation.

I don’t see any other alternative to switching to formula, or expressing.

OP, ignore the other negative posts. I was a VERY prepared first time mother. I read everything, attended all the prenatal, parenting classes, I grew up oldest of 4, babysat loads, owned my own home and lived just blocks from very helpful parents. People would always say,"if anyone's cut out to be a mom, it's Delphinium."

DD1's colic and crying absolutely broke me. DH would come home and I, never a cryer, would be in tears at how hard it was. It was the most challenging thing I have ever gone through. Some babies are just more difficult than others. Yours sounds just like mine.

We got through it and DD1 is a very healthy human, plus a very good sleeper.

Keep breastfeeding on demand if you can and know it gets easier. Keep trying the white noise on high volume, the swing. Go find a midwife or nurse and have them show you a true swaddle.

You got this. It will get better.

This made me chuckle!

It all gets better once you get through the older teenage stage when you’re either lying awake waiting for them to come in after a night out, or they wake you up when they do come in!

Ah so brutal but normal. It does get better! Sounds like you have tried lots of things that we also tried. The only other thing which would maybe give us one hour of him in the crib was a hot water bottle so he felt cosy (put down for a while before he was in then remove and check not too hot, then carefully put him down whilst holding breath and feeling like a bomb was about to go off). And repeat! It’s so gruelling but eventually they do sleep a bit better.

Try a sling. Honestly. It cocoons them and makes them feel safe and the movement mimics being in the womb. Your partner can put him in it in the day. He also needs to try taking him out in the pram.

Expressing just won’t work. Sorry to be negative, but you’ll understand when you try. Even the best pump is rubbish at getting milk compared to a baby and you’ll spend hours pumping to get a few ounces so won’t gain any time, and you won’t pump enough to feed him and will end up switching to formula.

Sling, pram, trying to get him to cluster feed. Get him checked for tongue tie just in case that’s causing him issues.

Also I recommend the swaddle sleeping bags as they are much easier than a proper swaddle, they look so cute in them too like a little squishy burrito!

It's normal and it won't last forever.

I remember my Dd first slept in her Moses basket at 8 weeks old.

For the entire time prior to that she had been on me or DH. We coslept, she was feeding quite a lot.

It's really hard but worrying about it makes it even harder.

If you can kids give yourself over to it for the next few weeks, things will start to change as your baby grows.

The house will be chaos but all that can be sorted out later, this phase won't last forever.

Just hold him feed him watch tv drink cups of tea and lie down with him and sleep when you can. Get a sling and see if you can have a little walk outside each day?

Good luck!

I’ve tried the hot water bottle trick as well 😕

How lovely. I despair at posters sticking the boot in when totally exhausted new mothers come looking for advice. This would have really upset me 6 days after giving birth. I've had 3 kids and felt like more of a novice with each one!

I'm in the same situation OP. Newborn will only sleep on me or partner during the night. (he's fine in his cot during the day). We have been doing 2 hours shifts so we can take it in turns getting some sleep. The hardest part is resisting falling asleep when holding baby. As soon as I lay him down in his crib he cries. A lot.

@Helpmeimtired hey love, sending strength and support! I'm a midwife and even I wasn't fully appreciative of how hard it was going to be, so please ignore the unhelpful comments, though you've had some other great advice here.

Stopping night feeds will stop your supply. Your hormone levels are highest at night so if you want to continue to BF then you do need to keep feeding or pumping. Pumping, whilst also trying to settle a fractious baby who won't be away from you, will be tough but if you've got the energy to do so then go for it. But you may find that once you've fed, pumped, sterilised the equipment, put the bloody pump on charge, that you're missing out on more sleep than before!

Could your partner take baby out the house for a walk at the weekend? An hour out in the fresh air whilst you stick some earplugs in, shut the curtains and sleep? Our baby is 4months old and in the early weeks, (when baby still took a bottle!) maybe once or twice, my husband gave all formula feeds overnight so I could catch up, but my boobs woke me up and then I'd either feed or pump. A couple of one offs won't hurt but doing this regularly will affect your supply so worth bearing in mind. Now if it's a bit too much, he'll take him between feeds so I can sleep.

Maybe giving your partner your pj top/a muslin you've worn so it smells of you will help him calm?

Swaddling definitely worked for us, doesn't work for all babies but worth a go-we're only just ditching it now as he's starting to want to roll.

Otherwise it's important to note that your baby is displaying normal behaviour. If they're gaining weight, your latch isn't painful and there arr good wet and dirty nappies then keep at it, you're doing great.

It does get easier I promise, but Im pretty sure I cried about something or other every day 😂

Once, DD and and I fell asleep in rocking chair. She slid down my tummy, over my knees and onto my feet. Thank goodness it was a slow slide to a soft carpet, and I did wake up when she hit my feet.

Have you tried feeding lying down? It's not the easiest with a newborn but soon becomes more manageable. If they wake up you put a nipple back in, both of mine would suck a little bit more and go back to sleep if it was nighttime. Naps would be a little more variable understandably.

Just make sure you're following all the safe sleep guidelines. I wore a nursing bra with pjs so I could lift the top and a dressing gown. C shape around the baby. We'd be in the middle of the bed (DH in the spare for the most part). No duvets near the baby - they were either swaddled or in a sleeping bag. I think DS being my second just went straight into sleeping bags. Duvet up to my waist and tucked tightly under me on the baby side.

I got the most sleep be far doing this from the start with DS. With DD I faffed for months trying this and that with no success and reverting back to cosleeping. Wish I'd just accept that that's how my EBF babies were and gone with it from the start!

Sorry, OP. I had one of these. It's no good people saying "it doesn't last forever" when you're so tired. I nearly throttled someone who said it would only last 8 weeks - you can't live like this for two months.

I was starting to hallucinate and was so worried for mine and my baby's safety. Her dad wasn't much better. And sleeping ON you isn't safe co-sleeping whichever way you slice it. So you can't just lean into it or whatever.

Things we did:

• Dad took baby OUT of the flat while I slept a bit. Sling/carrier was better han pram for us, but we had to do it a couple of times before she'd accept it. She usually fell asleep after some (loud!) protest and I could sleep an hour or two without hearing her. Yes it's important to feed them frequently - but realistically them being outside without you for two hours is not going to make or break breastfeeding in any way.

• A willing friend or grandparent can also give this a go. Our baby's aunty was a big hit for some reason.

• Give everything multiple chances to work. Sounds like you've tried a lot in a short time, which makes sense! But try things more than once.

• For some reason, introducing new things always stuck better for us in the morning than at night.

• Try giving baby your little finger to suck if you want to work towards a dummy but they won't take one yet.

• Singing. SO much singing. Ours had favourite songs even at a few days old, so experiment.

• Breastfeeding is so hard if you're this tired. Your body is screaming at you to rest. Eat and drink much more than you think. Quick, nourishing things if at all possible. Again, a friend or grandparent could help.

Best of luck, you WILL get through this. I'll pop back if I remember anything else.

We tried breast feeding lying down. He took to it, but then wouldn’t settle on his back post feed.

Isnt that what the safe sleep guidelines propose? He would only stay asleep if his face was pushed against the breast and I didn’t feel comfortable allowing myself to fall asleep in that position.

Hi OP, my milk took about a week to come in too. With DC1 this was very hard. With DC2 I topped up with formula until my milk came in, this made the first week so much easier. (When my milk came in I had a massive oversupply which was another problem in itself). But everyone is different, just keep on trying different things and one may work. And it will improve as your milk supply stabilises and the baby grows. Congratulations OP!

Swapping BF for formula - if you want to drop BF that's fine but introducing formula/expressed milk can affect supply.

Newborns are frequently at the breast to stimulate and regulate your milk supply.

If you want to breastfeed try not to use formula before your milk supply is established around six weeks or you could end up with big supply problems. You could look at expressing milk for your partner to give. I'd highly recommend contacting La Leche League for free support with your decisions around this.

This was my exact reality with my son. Husband and I doing 2 hour shifts staying awake with him while the other slept, couldn't do more as I was breastfeeding and he wouldn't go longer than 2 hours maximum without feeding ever and would want feeding again straight away if you put him down. My midwife saw on a visit that we were really just unsafe tired, and said it's safer to sleep safely than to be run as ragged as we were. She showed me how to breastfeed lying down, and everything changed from there we co-slept safely (just me and my son in the bed) one arm out flat underneath him so I couldn't roll on to him, no pillows or duvets it wasn't overly comfortable but I was so exhausted it didn't matter. We slept on/off all night with him popping on/off the breast as he pleased, sometimes I woke sometimes I didn't but we slept and life became so much more bearable!

Oh OP my heart goes out to you as all mine were like this and despite knowing how it worked the 2nd and 3rd time it still floored me.

Sleep deprivation is completely awful. Truly soul destroying and all the helpful catch up on sleep in the day when the mother in law will hold the baby comments are entirely useless when you have a baby who needs mum.

It is normal and common but that doesn’t make it easier for you in the moment. So be kind to yourself and allow yourself to have a weep and say out loud this is bloody awful and not what I signed up for!!!

The big one thing I will tell you is that it is almost certainly going to get better and that might be fairly soon if you feel your milk isn’t fully in yet. At the moment your beautiful baby is suckling constantly to stimulate that supply and it’s a perfect little two way process between him and you- just as it has been for the last nine months. Only when previously you could go about your day now it’s altogether a lot harder but it’s very natural and your body knows what to do. You just have to give it the time it needs and try and get through it a day at a time . IMHO you cannot teach a newborn to behave in a way that isn’t natural to it. Some babies will sleep alone but an awful lot are just like your lovely DS and that’s ok and we just have to adapt to the baby we have.

If you interrupt that sensitive balance of suckling and closeness to your breasts with formula then it’s not wrong and it might be the best thing for you as a family but it will change that two way equilibrium and might mean breastfeeding never gets established properly. Only you know how important that is for you. But what is going on now is entirely normal and you aren’t doing anything wrong.

things that helped me were an automatic rocking crib/chair
-and slings. We had all the different types. Hated the hanging ones like baby born but the wrap types or pouch ones were a god send and the babies would even tolerate DH carrying them after the first couple of weeks! I ended up using them into the toddler years and all my photos from the first two years of the kids lives have me with one in a sling it seems!

In those first couple of weeks however we did have to treat sleep like a military operation- I would sleep with the baby on me or in my arms or next to me and have another adult keeping an eye if it didn’t feel safe or if I was too exhausted. That was sometimes DH or occasionally my mum or a friend. If needed they would hold the baby next to me and pat and shush if it started to wake and try to let me sleep as much as I could or let me feel safe to doze on and off whilst the baby was in my arms without the anxiety I would drop it.

I started co sleeping a bit later and had the duvet only up to my hip height then wore a thick hoodie on top and had the pillow behind my head so the baby was just in a a sleep sack away from all the covers etc. There is on line advice about how to do it safely. Temperature control of baby is vital.

You sound a wonderful loving mum and your little DS is just needing you as you are his person, the one he wants to be with more than anything else in the world. It’s a huge responsibility but you can do it with love and self compassion. We got you.

keep posting. Things will change so quickly over the next few weeks but few of us don’t remember the aching exhaustion so you have all our sympathy.

@Helpmeimtired In the kindest possible way, you've tried an awful lot in hai 6 short days. I completely get it - you want to find the magic answer and get you out of this! But it will take more time than this, whatever your method of feeding and settling.

If you want to keep BF and you're open to cosleeping and feeding lying down, the persevere. Even if sometimes he only sleeps whilst feeding - that might 20 or 30 mins of lying down and potentially even closing your eyes that you might not have had if you had fed sitting up.

It will get easier - I know it keeps being said! Try not to stress about finding the one fix, it's unlikely to happen. Easier said than done when you don't have a newborn I know but you also kind of have to figure out your baby and how you care for your baby. Deep breath. You're doing great!

Utterly normal, and like others have said this too shall pass. I went through this and it was an utter shock seeing as all the books/internet/my eternally "perfect" mother told me that "babies sleep through" within x amount of time etc, NO ONE ever talks about how it might not be that way! It does get better and won't always be like this, just hang in there op x