Newborn will only sleep when held. We have tried everything!

[Helpmeimtired]

Hello all

First time poster.

I am at my wits end and really starting to worry about the well-being of my family.

My 6 day old DS absolutely refuses to sleep anywhere other then my arms and occasionally my partners arms.

We have had no sleep at all for days now.

When DS wakes he has to be soothed by feeding which sends him straight off to sleep but within 5 mins (occasionally 20) of putting him down in his crib he awakes and instantly requires soothing in the form of a feed. Nothing else works.

To get some sleep me and my partner have attempted to share the load by holding him 3 hours at a time but most of the time this doesn’t work as he either wakes up 20 mins after passover to my partner from which the whole process is required to start again.

We have had very little success. For example he did sleep 3hrs in the crib one night but was only possible due to my partner staying awake and rocking the crib if DS became restless and putting his pacifier back in his mouth once he lost it.

He has napped maybe twice for 2 hours during the day in his crib, but always seems to have extremely light sleep and on the verge of waking up any second.

I am very concerned about the amount of sleep he is getting as well as us.

We are trying really hard to get him adjusted to his crib and feel like I have tried every trick in the book. Below is what I have already attempted.

1. white noise
2. raising one end of the crib
3. rocking (both in arms and the crib itself)
4. using my shirt as a sheet for scent comfort
5. dummy/pacifier
6. swaddling (if anything this seems to just agitate him)
7. pick up and put down technique
8. keeping hand on his head/stomach for comfort and walking away slowly after he drifts off
9. leaving the room
10. co sleeping (only works if he’s pressed against my chest which is totally unsafe, and wakes up if rolled over onto his back and a mere inch away from me)
11. partner supervising me attempting to sleep whilst DS is in my arms (totally unfeasible)

it’s worth noting I am exclusively breast feeding and believe my milk is only just coming in.

I appreciate this is very early days, but does this behaviour sound normal? Should he see a doctor?

The frequency of him wanting feeds is about once every hour for 45 mins.

Is there anything else we can try?

This way of life is completely unsustainable and we need help.

thank you

Totally normal. I was in your shoes. What saved me was reading the first chapter of Sweet Sleep by La Leche League for essential safety info, joining Cosleepers UK on Facebook for further practical safety info and getting an Owlet sock to monitor baby that insisted on sleeping touching me. Was life changing and I never liked back and wet from no sleep to plenty, albeit broken.

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What is he like if you take him out in the pram? Would he fall asleep? Or in the car?
It’s so hard but it will get better. Probably not a popular opinion but I would consider switching to formula if things don’t improve in a couple of weeks.

We're 12 weeks in with the second, and it is relentless and exhausting. I've been much more accepting this time round which has helped. Have you tried a sling? They've been a lifesaver for day time naps and keep baby close to you which is great for their development.

Best advice I was given was to do what it takes to survive and stay sane during those first six months.

We are thinking to do day feeds with formula so my partner can cover that whilst I sleep.

Does anyone know the disadvantages of doing this?

He hasn’t even been in his pram yet. We’ve only left the house once to go to our mid wife appointment. He fell asleep in the car seat immediately. I don’t know how long it would have lasted though as he had to be woken for his health checks.

Have you tried a swing chair ? Sounds as though he just needs a really good feed. You could top up with formula while your milk is coming in. Do a bit of both would be my advice

If you want to stop breastfeeding, it’s totally fine. It’s your decision. But breastfeeding doesn’t work like this - it’s a supply and demand system. At 6 days old, cutting out ~12 hours of feeding will cause your supply to stop. At 6 days old, really every feed needs to be directly from the breast, if your milk supply is going to fully establish. As the days turn into weeks, substituting the odd feed with formula is negligible. But at this crucial stage, it’ll cause how much milk you make too tank. I’m so sorry, I wish it was easier

It is tough, very tough, at the beginning, especially with your first.
Here are some unpopular opinions which worked for me and might help you.

1. top up with a little formula.

I totally support BF and did it with both of mine but, with the older one, I found a little bit of formula helped keep her full longer. My milk never really came in properly so I BF her as much as I could but topped up with formula. Lots of mums I knew quietly said the same. The pressure to BF is intense.

1. pram/car rides

If you have the energy, or your DH does, take baby out in the pram or the car. I found that what helped my DD sleep and nap best in the early days was going out in the pram. After I had fed her, I'd go for a walk with her in the pram. She would nod off and then I'd come home, leaving her in the pram to sleep. I think actually she was bored, sitting on the sofa with me and waiting for the milk that never came. She rarely napped in her cot. Also, she loved being with me and if I was around she would want to interact. Being in the pram or car seat was dull and thus relaxing so she would give up and fall asleep. a very unpopular opinion:

1. let your LO fuss a little by himself. No one likes to hear a baby cry but many of them do just before dropping off to sleep. Obviously, if he's crying full on you'll want to do something about that but if he's just 'talking' to himself maybe give him some space to do that.

good luck! it does get better!

Thank you for the advice. Would it stop my supply if I expressed instead?

It's brutal but very normal and it will pass.

Nurse had advised me that when baby falling asleep feeding try wake them a little (rub/blow cheeks, open top babygro to cool them ) this way they will feed some more then sleep better once they fall asleep.
Could be useful for you.

I expressed and got both mine used to a bottle around ten days. I was desperate not to have a bottle refuser. There were no problems and I continued to bf too.
I know it's not recommended though, this was twenty years ago and it enabled us to share the load.

Have you tried a swing chair ? Sounds as though he just needs a really good feed

This is just not true. If he is feeding frequently and gaining weight, that is NORMAL. He does not need to have his tummy overstuffed full of formula. There is nothing wrong with formula if chosen, but this sort of information just makes mothers doubt their perfectly normal breasts and babies. The constant feeding is probably in large part non-nutritive comfort feeding anyway, which is again normal.

OP, mixed feeding can be done really successfully, but if you go all day without emptying your breasts, your milk is going to dry up. You'd be better off pumping and offering a bottle, or just doing an occasional formula too-up if you want to try that route.

Totally normal- I personally wouldn’t top up with formula right when your milk is coming in, your little one will be cluster feeding to build supply. I know it’s not ideal but DD1 would only sleep on our chests for weeks

Expressing is a difficult one. Some people find it easy and build an ample supply via this method alone. Some people really struggle despite the baby removing adequate milk directly from the breast. You would need to be mimicking a newborn feeding pattern, so expressing every 1.5-2 or so hours, for a minimum of 30 minutes, round the clock. I’m not sure it would therefore actually give you much rest in comparison to directly feeding?

Totally normal, totally brutal!

We lived in shifts for the first couple of months. Once baby has had a feed, hand straight to your partner, send him out of the room and get some sleep. Your partner can wake you a couple of hours later when baby needs another feed. It does get easier as baby settles in to feeding, feeds become a little further apart, and there are clearer differences between awake time and asleep time.

sorry to say this is very normal, the main solution I have found is just to wait for the baby to grow up - not helpful when you’re sleep deprived I know. Other things that might help-

• feed lying down on the bed so when baby drifts off you can too. You can use your arm to create a cradle so you won’t roll on baby and they can feel your presence. If you’re anxious about doing this I would suggest starting with doing it in the daytime and asking your partner to keep an eye on you both
• getting baby used to sling and seeing if they’ll fall asleep in that (might take a few tries). Crucially if they will then get your partner to wear the baby and go for a walk while you have a nap. You can also try this with the pram
• it sounds like your milk is maybe a little slow to come in (I might be wrong if others correct but mine always came in by day 3) so it might be worth asking them to check again for tongue tie in case it was missed
• if you’re going to introduce formula I would do it for one specific feed (eg. Bedtime or first thing in the morning) and just stick to that so your supply isn’t affected. Pumping won’t stimulate your supply as efficiently as the baby so you do need to been regularly putting baby to breast if you want to maintain your supply (once they’re established then it’s easier to chop and change with formula)

Sending lots of strength. These days they will pass I promise. Get some good Netflix, good snacks, good friends to chat to and try to rest when you can

My gosh have some compassion - OP is a first time mum and is sleep-deprived. As far as I know, a baby doesn't come with a manual and no two babies are the same either! It might be clear as day to you, but not everyone else!

I despair at cold and callous people such as you. We as a family may not be so well informed as the majority of people here but we are completely in awe of our new baby boy.

Think before you post as you have no idea what our circumstances are.

Choose another thread where you can discuss the intricacies of baby development if this one isn’t cutting it for you.

I despair at cold and callous people such as you. We as a family may not be so well informed as the majority of people here but we are completely in awe of our new baby boy.

Think before you post as you have no idea what our circumstances are.

Choose another thread where you can discuss the intricacies of baby development if this one isn’t cutting it for you

OP I feel for you so much, reading your post took me back to those early days with DD who was exactly the same as your little boy.

I remember my mum saying they normally get better around 6 weeks and totally despairing as that just seemed like forever to live this way! We even got to the point where I slept sitting up holding the baby while my husband sat next to me awake watching to keep us safe. Far from ideal but we were desperate!

I'm sure you're feeling very emotional right now so I just wanted to leave you a message to say you are doing amazingly, try to relax, step away from googling in desperate hope of a solution, and not worry that you're doing something wrong. He will grow out of it, it will become a distant, funny, maybe even fond memory (although I'm sure that seems impossible to imagine right now!) and you will feel proud that you were always there for him while he needed you so much. You, like every woman who does this for their child, are an absolute hero, never forget it! 🌟

My last baby slept so well at night, in stretches of 3 hours at a time. When she was 4 weeks old, I learned that she had hardly gained any weight since leaving the hospital. I hadn't realised but me not breastfeeding at night had done a lot of damage to my milk supply. I ended up on an arduous schedule of pumping, feeding and topping up with formula around the clock. I had to set alarms for during the night to express. Eventually my supply came in and I was able to breastfeed exclusively but it was an incredibly stressful time as I really wanted to breastfeed.

It sounds like you are getting that very important groundwork established now and things will get easier from thereon in. I would not recommend pumping milk for your husband to give, but instead try to catch up on sleep during the day when you can.

Thank you so much. Those words really help.

ah bless you - this is what newborns are like -they are proper little jailers- just stop worrying and enjoy him.

Mine slept straight through the night last night, and I had very little response when I stuck my head around his door thinking he was awake half an hour ago. just a few grunts and half opened eyes. He is in his twenties though, but reading your description of life with a new born brought it all back - even with some nostalga!