Lack of sleep is ruining my life.

[numberthirtytwowindsorgardens]

My daughter has always been a rubbish sleeper. Now 10m, she's improved in that she no longer wakes every hour, but she wakes some time between three and four and doesn't go back to sleep. Bringing her into our bed doesn't work; she just screams. I've night weaned her; that didn't work either.

As a result of this, I no longer sleep. I go to bed around eight, wake some time between midnight and two, and that's me up for the day. I feel like shit all the time. My head hurts all the time, I cry at everything, I have no patience with my older child.

What do I do? I can't go on like this.

Morning. I don't have a child but I do have terrible problems sleeping. Is there any healthcare professional you could speak to? Good luck.

First two children slept at 4m so we got a shock at number 3 when it all went out the window. The biggest question is do you have any help? Can someone take over/help out even for a few hours every so often so you can get naps? I’ve no advice to get her sleeping (there are more amazing people than me who will and it happened at 2 for our son but our other son was even later), but you need to find a way to have some sleep and time to yourself including having showers and some form of a break with a book/ walk.

I went to the doctor. Her advice was to 'put on baby's favourite tune and dance to it'. You know, in case I wasn't tired enough on four hours' sleep a night.

I don't know what I'd ask for even if I went back to another doctor - I bought sleeping pills, but the baby comes into my bed almost every night so I can't take them, and I can't take most stuff anyway because I'm breastfeeding. I don't know- am I missing something?

I'm just worried that I'm permanently broken. I'm due back at work soon and I feel sick at the prospect.

Thank you for replying

I could have written this, except my baby is only 6 months but I’m struggling and my partner seems to think because he’s working he doesn’t need to help and I just need to go to bed earlier or nap in the day, which I don’t find easy. But I will breastfeed him around 12 and then he seem to be up from 2ish and then I end up just coming downstairs with him and then he sleeps and I don’t. It’s draining.

Is there anyone to watch her for a few hours a day whilst you catch up on sleep? If youre alone you could even pay someone

My sympathies OP 💐

My DS is age 5 and gets up at 3am or 4am latest, every day. I am knackered and I honestly think it's the reason behind me putting on 3 stone

Hi op. I went through this with my son who is now 2 and his awful sleep led me to developing insomnia. What helped were antidepressants and CBT for sleep.

Sorry @Nothin12 and @singlemanreadymealplan . It's grim, isn't it?

The thing is, she doesn't really like anyone other than me. She still feeds to sleep so if I left her with anyone she wouldn't nap (God knows what's going to happen when she starts at nursery- and that's another reason I'm reluctant to curtail the time we have together right now), and if I gave her to someone else I probably wouldn't sleep anyway - I just lie there getting more and more frustrated and upset that I'm not asleep and counting how much sleep I could get if I went to sleep now - and then, of course, don't.

Thank you for all the kind posts! I really do appreciate them.

Oh my gosh this sounds so tough I don't know how you're doing it.
My boy was an hourly waker for months.
I'm not sure how to combat the baby getting up so early. I would look to get a really good sleep consultant to solve that issue first off.
I used to get so anxious and angry when my baby woke and you come to expect it so never go back to sleep.
I feel like if you solve the baby problem you might sleep easier.
If baby takes a bottle or is almost weaned could you also take a break for a couple of days and nights in a hotel. Have a proper wind down before bed with a bath and a book maybe sleeping tablets and you might get yourself into a pattern of sleeping a bit longer.
Sending strength xxx

Thanks @Buttercupmoon - I was wondering about anti depressants, but I don't know whether they're appropriate? - I veer between 'I'm not depressed, I'm just really tired' and 'I get five hours' sleep a night, of course I'm depressed'!

The doctor did recommend CBT, but I don't see when I could do it - I go to sleep basically as soon as the kids do, because if I didn't I wouldn't sleep at all, which means I don't have any time in which I could do anything like that.

can you try stopping the feeding to sleep? If she learns to self settle she might go back to sleep once she’s woken at 3am. This happened to my DC, she used to be similar but when I went back to work when she was the same age yours is now, there was no way I could do it anymore. We did mild sleep training and she’s been a brilliant sleeper ever since.

😭 I know you're right, that's what I need to do - I just don't know how. She just howls appallingly if you put her down awake; we've done Ferber, but it doesn't change anything. She'll cry herself to sleep, but it doesn't make her more able to self settle the next day.

I think I've really fucked all this up but I don't know how to fix it.

Hi OP. You need help from a partner or other close family member to get the right help. CBT was really helpful and could be for you too. Someone needs to watch the kids once a week while you do this.

Depression can go hand in hand with insomnia. My anxiety over sleep also kept me awake and this is a vicious cycle you need to break.

My 3rd was the similar up until about 1. She'd wake at 3am and would go back to sleep but only in my arms. If I moved even a fraction she'd be up for the day!

Like you I veered between wondering if I was depressed or just exhausted. I knew it was exhaustion because if I got sleep then I didn't feel like that. I had no one to help during the day and 2 other children so was pretty broken. Maybe take the anti depressants to help see you through, I think it would have done me a favour.

In my dd's case I realised she'd had her sleep and didn't need more. She was sleeping 6 or 7 through till 3 (and then 3-5 in my arms) and plenty of day naps. She was happy! I couldn't keep her up past 6 or 7 as she'd just fall asleep wherever she was, no input required. She's 4 now and still the same (less the 3am wake up)! Look at the overall sleep across 24 hours for a few weeks - keep a diary and see if you can spot any patterns that might help you to adjust timings.

Also, she has learnt to fall asleep by being fed to sleep. You've night weaned her and she wakes in the night and doesn't know how to get back to sleep. I had an amazing HV who told me that babies will expect the same behaviour every time. For example if they fall asleep in your arms and wake in a crib it will be confusing. If they are fed to sleep every time, they will expect that every time. Thinking back across my 3 children it was true. Consider breaking the feeding to sleep thing and maybe it will help. The trouble is, you're broken and sleep deprived so I know it feels impossible and too much - I've been there. Look at the gentle retreat, it could be an option. Then feed on waking and not before going to sleep.

The other thing that might be worth trying is giving a bowl of weetabix right before bed. I found this really helped mine sleep better at night and noticed it if I forgot.

Start really slowly and build it up each night. We made a plan and stuck to it, leaving her for just 10 seconds at first. It took about 5 nights but was so worth it. It is really hard and you have to stick to it to make it work but once she adapts you’ll get sleep again!

The other thing I would say and try to remind myself are a lot of these things are phases and before you know it something clicks. I have a 4 year old who didn’t sleep through until just after he turned 1 and he’s been a great sleeper ever since. Hope you find something that helps ❤️

You haven’t messed anything up, you’re just being the best mum you can be.
You would need to stop feeding to sleep as the others have said, and be 100% ruthlessly consistent with the sleep training. It will take two weeks but then it will be done

The thing is - and I realise I'm becoming one of those posters who says 'yes but' to every suggestion! - her sleep actually isn't that bad right now. It's a million times better than it has ever been - waking at about 4, eith perhaps one wakeup before that - that's fine. The problem is me: regardless of whether or not she sleeps, I don't. She slept through till 5am the other day, and I was awake from 1am. That's what really kills me. I don't mind being awake when the kids are - at least then I feel I'm doing something useful!

I’d be seeing a sleep consultant, this will be about sleep associations and habits. It can be undone.

Not sure if this is an option for you as it can be quite pricey, but we booked a pediatric sleep consultant to help us as we had similar issues. It has changed my life! My daughter (also 10m) used to wake 2 hourly for BF and would also end up co-sleeping at some point in the night but now sleeps right through.

The issue is not with her baby' s sleep. OP has insomnia and needs psychological support for this.

I second a sleep consultant - you can purchase online courses.

The difficulty is, with her feeding to sleep, she's not learning how to self settle, so when she wakes up, she can't get herself back to sleep without your help.

We did mild sleep training, not cry it out. We never left their side. But helped them to learn how to self settle. Paid about £40 I think. Best money I've ever spent!

Don't get me wrong, it will be a horrific couple of nights / week, but then will get better!

Try formula feed, give yourself a break. 10 months will be on some solids anyway, and chances are you won’t feel so exhausted, that you can’t sleep.

I'd try a sleep meditation app. I use calm and there's a meditation called 'gently back to sleep' that I use a lot. I also use sleep stories to drift off. Most have a free month that you can cancel if they don't work.

The concept is to stop trying to sleep, focus on your breathing and quiet your mind. You just accept you're awake and be in the moment and relax and weirdly you drift off again.

Hi OP,

I had this issue until recently. Your baby is waking up due to wanting some comfort and knowing you'll be there if she cries - ideally needs to learn to 'self-sooth' (an expression I don't love).

Once we'd trained our baby to go to sleep awake, including for nap times, he's gone from 5 wake ups a night to 10 hours straight. We too used the Ferber method but it took about 4 days of strictly sticking to it. We did this when he was 8 months after I felt I was going to go insan