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Sleep

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Original poster

Should husband get up for baby at night too if I'm a SAHM??

119 replies

bedtimestory · 23/01/2008 10:07

We have a dd (5) and dd (8 months). Older dd sleeps brilliantly but baby dd recently started waking 3/4 times a night wanting her dummy. Anyway this has been going on for a couple of weeks now and I am sooo tired. Burst into tears this morning and worry a bit about driving when so tired etc. Can't seem to sleep in day and although am SAHM I still have a fair bit to do in the day. My dh is a teacher and says he'd be knackered at work if he does the nights (it can be pretty stressful). He's great in all other ways 'dad-wise'. Am I being a bit selfish or justified in expecting him to do a few of them during the week? Am so tired think I've got a bit over emotional and illogical about it all! What do others think?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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hattyyellow · 23/01/2008 11:22

When our girls were small, I was a full time SAHM to them. DH was self-employed and had a tiring physical job, with a long commute.

When we brought our girls home (twins)I remember the midwife taking a deep breath and suggesting that I do the night shifts and DH do the day - no point us both being exhausted...

I sometimes really resented this but it did work well and we were heavily reliant on his income. I was also really really bad at sleeping during the day when the babes did but wish I had dropped the housework and just done so! Even if you put your feet up and have a rest in front of the TV you can recuperate a little..

Very little housework is essential, although looking after a child and earning an income is..I imagine as a teacher it's not the sort of job where you get much time sitting on MN or sloping off for a coffee!

Like other posters my DH has an amazing ability to sleep through the girls crying - so it does seem pointless me spending ages waking him up and then not getting back to sleep anyway! Even now I'm working part-time I'd rather just crawl out of bed, settle whoever is crying and crawl back into bed..

I think if you can put ear plugs in one night at the weekend and get him to listen for her - that should help a bit?

morningpaper · 23/01/2008 11:23

morningpaper - dh gets up 6.30ish which is usually when LO wakes but then he disappears off to shower etc for about 20 mins so i have to get up with her as she needs her bottle.

I do think he is a being a bit mean TBH - why doesn't he get up 20 minutes earlier and have a shower then, so he can get the children up when he's showered? Or why not shower AND deal with the children - it's what most of us do!

morningpaper · 23/01/2008 11:26

Have just read that she is waking 3/4 times a night at 8 months! That's really not so bad.

It sounds very manageable with a rest during the day for you and an early night - I know that this is an inevitable respoinse but I have been getting up that many times a night for two children for over 5 years and I'm still surviving!

Wisteria · 23/01/2008 11:28

I think the following

Sun - Thurs no, he has an important job to do which he needs to be on the ball for as he is responsible for others' children

Friday - Saturday, one or the other he should definitely and you should be able to lie in for as long as you want on that day. You have the choice to leave the ironing and rest on the sofa (even if you don't go to sleep) during the day.

Sorry - I know it's tough but it's just the deal when you're SAHM

Niecie · 23/01/2008 11:28

At 8 mths I was still feeding both my boys at night so DH never got up unless they wouldn't settle and I had been pacing the floor for an hour.

It does make you resentful as you end up having a competition about who is more tired and competitive tiredness is not a good thing.

I understand that the man has to go to work but I don't think working is any harder than staying at home. My DS1 also hardly slept for more than half an hour during the day so by the time you were sure he was asleep and you finally sat down, he was awake again (he got better after 12 mths) Of course, when DS2 came along I had DS1 so I never got to rest during the day at all.

As others have said just having a moment or two to yourself and not having to do everything with another person attached to you all day is a rest in itself for those who work. And they get the holy grail of going to the loo by themselves.

If I hadn't been breastfeeding I think I would negotiate maybe Friday night as a night off and then, to space it out a bit, maybe Monday night when your DH is still fairly fresh after the weekend and could cope. I don't think that is unreasonable.

If your DD is waking looking for her dummy, would you consider dumping it completely so that it isn't the cause of the waking and she can go back to sleeping through and everybody will have a good night? It might be a bit stressful for a week whilst she is weaned off it but surely that is better than having her waking constantly?

brimfull · 23/01/2008 11:30

Generally I do all the night wakings as a sahm.

but

I think if you're completely knackered your dh could do friday and or sat night for you so you could atleast have one good nights sleep

muppetgirl · 23/01/2008 11:36

Niecie - I see your point of view but there are some jobs that are easier to do than others. My dh sits at a computer everyday and has a full hours lunch available to him to take if he wants -he used to go to the car and sleep when ds1 was little I was soooooo jealous!!. Being a teacher, as we all know, is a much more demanding job than my Dh's. (I was a teacher, I do know!) BUT you do have only 6-7 weeks of this until you have a wacking great big hoilday to recuperate in -not all couples get this. Know that this sleepless time will only effect you until dh is on hoilday -then he definately should help.

Original poster

bedtimestory · 23/01/2008 11:48

I did try leaving all the housework last week but then ended up having to do loads in one mad rush - run out of food for LO so had to cook and freeze loads, dh had no clean, let alone ironed shirts for work, hadn't sorted DD school things out etc. Think i feel a bit of a failure at the moment as I do see being a SAHM as my job and want to do it well but this constant weariness really gets me down. Your suggestions are really helpful though, thanks.

OP posts:

morningpaper · 23/01/2008 11:50

I think DH should be responsible for his own laundry and ironing!

muppetgirl · 23/01/2008 11:54

Morningpaper - Not looking for an argument just genuinely interested as to why he should do his own laundry?

hattyyellow · 23/01/2008 11:55

Can DH iron his own shirts? I only wear clothes that don't need ironing and DH always irons his own clothes for work...

With us both working and two toddlers, we also cheat by getting microwave meals(reasonably healthy) ones a couple of times a week to save cooking...

When the girls were little I'd take them out in the pram to get them to sleep and then park the pram in the kitchen and lie down myself...or I'd drive until they fell asleep and find a quiet place to park and lock the doors, often falling asleep myself!

Could you do one day on/one day off with housework? I find even now doing a wash every other day reduces time spent putting clothes away etc..

morningpaper · 23/01/2008 11:57

I don't see why I should be responsible for getting DH's work clothes laundered and ironed... he isn't 4! Why is that anyone's job but his?

BTS is at home with a baby! She has enough to do without being responsible for her husband's clean pants!

dejags · 23/01/2008 12:10

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the parent who works out of the home to get up at night during the week. I think the obvious solution would be for you to go to bed earlier in the week and for you and your DH to alternate weekend nights.

JodieG1 · 23/01/2008 12:22

I thank my lucky stars for my dh when I read some of these replies. My ds2 is now 12 months old and a chronic bad sleeper. He wakes 4-5 times a night on average but sometimes 10. Now I co-sleep with him in the spare room and am still bf so obviously I do the feeds but if ds2 wakes during the night and stays awake dh will get up with him.

He used to do this a lot but hardly ever does that now thankfully. He goes up in his cot until I go up which is usually when he wakes for the 3rd or 4th time during the evening. He never sleeps all through or even from when he goes to bed in the evenings until I go up.

Bedtimes are 7-9pm, whenever we manage to get him to sleep. Usually I have time to eat barely before he wakes for another feed.

I am constantly knackered and also have a 4 and 5 year old who are at school and pre-school.

Dh doesn't seem to need much sleep so I am really lucky, I was an 8/9 hour a night woman before children and now I'm lucky to get 4 hours broken sleep and have done for the past year.

If it wasn't for him I don't know how I would have coped.

He gets up in the morning with the baby and older children, anywhere from 5am but usually 6.30am ish. He does breakfast while I get some extra sleep and often irons school clothes too. I do dd's lunch the night before and make sure clothes are out ready to be ironed.

We work well together to get things done really. He also gets up every weekend morning. I don't stay in bed much past 8.30am though so we can get out and do something with the kids. Once the baby is sleeping through I'll be getting up weekends too while he lies in.

I'm a sahm and do pretty much everything around the house including dinners from scratch, all housework, washing etc so I do pull my weight.

FillyjonkisCALM · 23/01/2008 18:31

agree mp re the laundry (well most of it really)

The idea in particular of ironing a grown man's shirts for him makes me PMSL (I don't mind washing them, but he does enough of my laundry-the washing machine is on about 3 times a day here )

OriginalFlame · 23/01/2008 18:37

It has always been for us that I do night shift, and get lie in both days at the weekend. We have varied more since DD has been older and I am doing school runs etc so I can't just slob first thing.

OriginalFlame · 23/01/2008 18:41

Oh, our other agreement is that I am a SAHmum not a housekeeper - during night waking I am not to be expected to do any housework during the day unless I want to. That is to be ignored for two years a team effort in the evening

TellusMater · 23/01/2008 18:47

I did it all with dd, no problem. Because she only woke a two or three times in the night and it was fine.

But with DS it was dreadful, and I think if you are dropping with exhaustion and miserable, then sticking to a division of labour because of household roles is daft. My DH didn't want me to be exhausted and miserable. So when I was, he would get up.

muppetgirl · 23/01/2008 18:49

I guess it's just me. I'm happy with our arrangement though and he is very grateful when I do and always says thanks.We have pink jobs/blue jobs. I don't put out the rubbish, pick up the dog poo or earn the money so it's swings and roundabouts really...

tribpot · 23/01/2008 18:49

Haven't read all the posts but here's my take FWIW.

DH is a SAHD, I work full-time. However, he is also chronically ill (suffers - among other things - from chronic fatigue and sleep apnoea). As a result, ds has been either with a CM or now preschool for 3-4 mornings a week, dh has him in the afternoon.

It's varied. When I was off on ML we would take the night shifts in turn, him more than me as he finds it easier to sleep in the day than I do. Since I've been back at work - initially I would do early shifts during ds' many fabulous periods of waking up for the day at 4:30-5:30 as dh would typically not have got to sleep before about 2. Latterly his pain has got more under control and he has been treated for sleep apnoea, so often he will do it now and then go back to sleep when ds is out in the morning.

Basically, I would definitely not agree that being a SAHM means you have to do all the night work. Being knackered at work is part of being a parent. If he was a surgeon I could maybe sympathise! Which is not to say that, on days when I have a big meeting coming up or similar, I won't stamp my foot and demand the extra sleep, but it can't be every day, it's just not reasonable.

lillypie · 23/01/2008 18:51

My advice is ditch the dummy.I have just done this with dd(10 months)after she woke me 9 times in one night because she had lost it.

I cut the tops off all the dummys and put them in the bin(no going back)and honestly it was much less traumatic than I thought it would be.

The longest period she cried for was 15 mins and by day 3 it was like "what dummy?"

Dropdeadfred · 23/01/2008 19:05

I believe if you stay at home to look after the children then that is what you do. Cooking, cleaning and laundry etc would nee ddoing whether you BOTH worked or not so why would you suddenly get dumped with it all?

notnowbernard · 23/01/2008 19:10

I would expect a lie-in (or 2) at the weekend.

And a proper one at that, i.e dp up with both as soon as they wake up in the morning (none of this hanging around in the bedroom malarkey until all parties are wide awake), breakfast done and dds washed and dressed etc.

I would be expecting to get up at about, say, 10am at the earliest?

AIBU?

aGalChangedHerName · 23/01/2008 19:21

DH did get up with ds1 (16.5) as he helped with night feeds. My other 3 dc ( 12.5, 3.5 and 1.5) have been bf and settled by the boob mostly so i have done the nights with those dc all the time. I childmind full time and i know how it feels to be knackered,but dh works with cars and he needs a full night sleep more than me tbh.

If the dc would settle with him at night he would do the nights that he's off. The time is coming tho lol so i will def be getting a full night v soon!!!

Original poster

bedtimestory · 23/01/2008 19:38

lilypie - how did you go about getting baby back to sleep when you stopped with the dummies? Did you have to pick up, soothe etc? Think I may have to do this if I'm to get any sleep.

OP posts:

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