Should husband get up for baby at night too if I'm a SAHM??

[bedtimestory]

We have a dd (5) and dd (8 months). Older dd sleeps brilliantly but baby dd recently started waking 3/4 times a night wanting her dummy. Anyway this has been going on for a couple of weeks now and I am sooo tired. Burst into tears this morning and worry a bit about driving when so tired etc. Can't seem to sleep in day and although am SAHM I still have a fair bit to do in the day. My dh is a teacher and says he'd be knackered at work if he does the nights (it can be pretty stressful). He's great in all other ways 'dad-wise'. Am I being a bit selfish or justified in expecting him to do a few of them during the week? Am so tired think I've got a bit over emotional and illogical about it all! What do others think?

I think in theory, yes he should. Just being a SAHM in and of itself does not mean you should get no sleep

In practice its more complex, of course.

For us it actually comes down to who has to drive that day. I really don't think its a good idea to drive while you are knackered.

I actually did do pretty much all of the night time stuff the first two times, simply because I didn't HAVE to drive (we live near where I worked) and dp actually can't really get to work unless he drives. It was my choice for him not to do the night stuff, as I REALLY didn't want him driving when knackered.

Oh and saying all that, we did actually sleep in shifts to an extent-I would go to bed at 7 and sleep til 12, while dp drove ds round and round and round. Then dp slept til 7 while I had him. And at weekends, he DID do nights.

This time round, if we get another crap sleeper (and my god we breed them chez filly ), it will be more difficult, as I do have days when I NEED to drive.

When I went back to work, incidentally, I still did the weekday night stuff, because of this driving thing. IME, there isn't much in it between working on no sleep and looking after kids on no sleep IMO. Both are hell. And while I wasn't a teacher, I did have the kind of job that required presentations, court appearances, etc, so its not like I could slink in and hide behind the coffee machine all day.

Also-people whose partners don't get up in the night-what about weekends? I can see the argument for workdays, especially if there is only one chidl (I think here its a no brainer that the dp should sort out the older kid, if thats possible) but weekends?

I used to get up with ours (and still do with dd2 ) HOWEVER dh was ordered asked to do one weekday and I got lie ins at weekend

mainly though I heard MUMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE at 3am and was summoned whether he was on duty or not

and he could sleep through a bomb so when he was on duty I would usually wake him up and say IT IS YOUR TURN and then seethe for an hour anyway

agree on doing NOTHING in the day, when baby rests, you must too

I'm a SAHM and mrpnut gets up every night with our LO. I haven't felt well for a while and I'm always exhausted so he gets up if she wakes and usually just brings her into our bed.

She did sleep through the night but since christmas has started getting up at least once and sometimes twice in the night. .

I am just about to give up work for SAHM-dom and have 2ds, 2.9 and 11mths. Currently we take turns at getting up in the night - possibly I do more, eg if there are 2 waking on his night I will do the second but doesn@t seem to happen the other way round. I expect that to continue when I give up work - although this thread has reminded me that we need to discuss!

My dh has a desk job and I know from my experience of being at home vs desk job that being at home with two small children is way more physically tiring than being at work, sometimes more mentally tiring too with a stroppy toddler.

I think the answer for you depends on what sort of a job your dh does and how old your dc are. Definitely with a baby you can sneek in the odd nap during the day but very difficult once they've stopped napping.

Amazed by this conversation. I work f/t and DP looks after my two children. I did 90% of the night time waking for DS1 and at least 50% of them for DS2 (now 18 months).

Honestly think men are having a laugh and it's tougher having no sleep then getting through a day of childcare, than it is for the vast majority to get through a days work. Obvious exceptions would be airtraffic controllers, surgeons, market traders and people who have life and death decisions to make.

When I go to work (even though I have a stressful and responsible job) I get to sit down, think, go to the loo on my own, make a cup of coffee etc.

Also I'd say that the men haven't spent the past 9 months carrying a baby and haven't recently gone through childbirth.

robin3 - you work full time and still did 90% of the night wakings? ! Yes, men are having a laugh.

agree robin

among my friends, I have to say I notice there is a difference in fathers attitudes between those whose partners have been WOHM (at least at some point, eg between baby#1 and baby#2) and those who have been SAHM from the beginning. I don't know what is cause and what is effect though!

Sadly dh gets up about the same time dd wakes so have to get up then anyway so sadly no lie in! He does offer to do night shift on Friday night but unfortunately he's a deep sleeper (lucky sod) so when dd wakes it wakes me and then I have to wake him which seems a bit barmy. By time I do that I think I might as well have got up anyway. Think the going to bed when kids do is a good idea, might try that. What would be fantastic would be to book myself into a hotel overnight hee! hee!

(drifts off into unrealistic flights of fancy...)

Belgo...same issue....my thinking that as the Mum I should do way more. Also I was still feeding my children in the night when I went back to work and felt I wanted to be there for them in the night. Went back after 12 weeks the first time and after 8 weeks the second time around.

Anyway the first time around DP was taking the mick looking back but there should be a lot more balance than there is.

I think it's a fine line. My dh does get up especially as i'm pregnant at the mo and like I say I do get lie ins at the weekend.

But DH has a very physical job and he works 6 days a week. He's self employed and feels the pressure of being the sole wage earner so he doesn't sit down for tea breaks as he's always thinking about money. I don't think it would be fair for him to be knackered all the time to boot.

He's very hands on in lots of ways, always does bath times and bedtimes, takes ds out so I can catch up on stuff.

Your DH can do things to make life easier for you and give you a break that doesn't necessarily mean him getting up in the night on weekdays.

I think there are a lot of variables actually and what is fair depends on the sort of people you are as well as what jobs you have.

DH gets the children up and ready every morning and then gets me up about an hour later, usually by making the children jump on me. That is probably a bit unfair on him but I'm knackered in the morning and he isn't!

With early night wakings I was breastfeeding and found it really easy to fall asleep afterwards, so the night-shift wasn't really a problem.

Sadly dh gets up about the same time dd wakes so have to get up then anyway so sadly no lie in!

I don't understand that - if they both wake up at the same time, why can't you lie in?

oh I do envy my dh being able to go to the toilet on his own

I was a WOHM full time for three months, and it was very very hard, on all of us. I'm so glad I'm a SAHM.

Dh got up in the night much more than I did even though I was at home. He finds it much easier to fall straight back to sleep whereas I end up awake for hours if I get up.

I agree with mp - it's just as important for your body to physically rest so do that even if you can't sleep. Sometimes when I lay down when I wasn't really tired and just told myself that lying down would be enough, I'd actually fall asleep.

Just read your post Oliveoil - exactly the same problem with the 'sleeping through a bomb' ability!

Why not? My DH was a SAHD and we rotated out getting up at night, especially with DD2 as he had to look after toddler DD1 during the day.

Or at least do Friday and Sat. nights and take over during the weekend.

Haven't read all the thread so sorry if repeating.

I would say instead of asking him to get up why don't you change your sleeping habbits just till this phase passes? What we did with ds 1 was when dh got home (then 6pm - oh, how I wish this was still the case!) I went to bed. I slept till 12 as dh did the 10pm feed. I had 6 hrs solid and felt I could cope with the days/nights from then on. It isn't fun but sometimes that's what you have to do to get through the day. You are right, driving while extremly tired is dangerous for you and your lo.

I am SAHM and we view my 'work' as importantly as we do dh's. We have a tidy house, children with clean clothes and freshly cooked food on the table because I 'work' in the house. We just had to jig our sleep times to try to suit us both.

With ds2 I used to go to bed around 8pm as dg got home 7.30-8pm. (Ds slept till 3am ish and dh gave him the 10pm feed) I didn't see him again but we knew it was only for a short amount of time.

I worked from the time my DCs were 3 or 4 months. And let me tell you that getting up for a baby several times a night, and getting yourself to work and trying to function as an intelligent human being is nigh on impossible. And I can't imagine how a teacher would manage.

I would say that in your position I would expect your DH to do the night shift sometimes, maybe at weekend, but the bulk would fall to you. Sorry.

morningpaper - dh gets up 6.30ish which is usually when LO wakes but then he disappears off to shower etc for about 20 mins so i have to get up with her as she needs her bottle.

that should read dh got home around 7.30-8pm!

Ds 1 now 3.8 and ds 2 now 11 weeks btw.

I think it's important to remember that being on ML or being a SAHM is not a holiday, it's a full-time job just that "the office" is your home. I've just gone back to work p/t after 12mo off and find it much less tiring being at work than playing with a 11mo old, whilst trying to get housework done, fit in all the feeds/meals, nappy changes etc. that we all do without thinking about it.

bedtimestory, our DS has been a crap sleeper since about 4mo and like you, I would find it impossible to sleep or rest in the day. I think you can follow the advice sleep when baby sleeps during the newborn phase, but eventually jobs have just got to be done, dishes won't wash themselves, clothes won't jump out of washing machine and hang themselves up to dry etc. Can your DH help out in other ways, like taking over when he gets home, doing some housework in the eve for you?

Personally I think the night shift should be split, nobody can cope with sleep deprivation and be expected to function long-term. Can he at least do a couple of nights in the week for you? If you can lie-in Sun so you can catch up, then he could maybe sleep in different room on sunday night so he can start the week off well rested, then maybe take a turn mon & wed or something?

Second the suggestion above of putting a few dummies around the cot, a friend' s baby had a dummy and she did this at night and it did help, if you can get DD used to looking round for one?

Don't forget, a baby who doesn't sleep very well is supposed to be extremely intelligent - am trying to take great comfort from this at 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am...

You could also go cold turkey on the dummy and be rid of it forever

I would expect to (and did) do most of the getting up if I had only 1 child at home during the day.

But yes, he should do it at the weekend. And he can do it over half-term!

Tbh if you are that tired after a couple of weeks of disturbed sleep, you really need to rest in the day or get to bed much earlier.

Myself, i wouldnt expect Dp to get up if he was working and i wasnt.

I really think(from experience) it doesnt matter how tired you feel the next day, its never as bad as if you have to go to work as well.

Im on maternity leave and ds is 17 wks and the only time Dp has got up in the night is twice when i had been out drinking(yeah!). He also works saTURDAY so i let him lie in on a Sunday, unless he is playing golf and then he miraculously wakes up early.

In your case though, with the weekends off, i dont think its unreasonable for your DH to get up one of the nights either Sat or Sun.

Personally, if i were fortuante to be able to afford to be a STAHM, id be overjoyed and i would much prefer this to the different tiredness you feel getting up for work. At least you do have the option for a little nap in the day.

Sorry mean SAHM