How do you cope if your partner can't ever do nights...?

[violetanemone]

Currently TTC our first, my partner has anaemia and chronic fatigue.

We have no family in the immediate area to help out. He won't be able to do nights, it will just do him in, so I will be pretty much doing it all, I know this. We both desperately want to be parents. Are we crazy?

How do you all cope with sleep deprivation with a baby, if you're a single parent or if you have a partner who can't be as involved for whatever reason?

Is it really as bad as they say or do you manage OK?

You get used to it. Then the hope is just as you’re about to break from the lack of sleep the baby goes longer without waking up
No family around for us either.

I do the nights here, but some nights I will try and sleep 9pm- 12am, DH has the baby. Then he goes to bed while I am ‘on duty’ with him. If I’m lucky I then get a couple of two to three hour stretches between the baby waking for feeds. DH comes in at 7am to take the baby for an hour so I can shower and get dressed, if he doesn’t do that I get pinned in my pjs under a napping baby all morning.

So I don’t ever get the big chunk of sleep, but I do ok. I don’t generally nap in the day as I like to get out in the buggy and the baby doesn’t really go down for long enough to make it worth it.

I drink a lot of coffee.

Would your partner be working every day? Would they be able to give you a solid nap at the weekend or have the baby in the evening while you sleep, as long as they are not ‘on’ all night?

If you breastfeed it’s tricky because it really is all on you whenever the baby needs a feed. I do mixed feeding, and express breast milk. But if you’re only using formula its even easier for your partner to do feeds while you sleep.

Weirdly even though the nights are long and I’m shattered, I sort of love being up with my little boy (he’s only 6 weeks old) when the rest of the world is sleeping! (But also really hoping he gives me longer to sleep at night soon!)

It's looking after a baby. Honestly, you aren't swimming the channel every night!! Single parents manage fine too, probably because they don't have a man to worry about!!
Good luck!

My partner refused point blank to do nights. Slightly different, I know, but I coped ok.

I had ds in a moses basket beside my bed, I bf so I didn't need to get up to prepare bottles, it wasn't easy to start with but I eventually got to the point I could feed ds without even opening my eyes.

I stopped doing most housework for the first few weeks, so I could nap whenever ds was asleep. And I was lucky that DS was a relatively easy baby, not croupy,

Don't worry yet. Some people cope fine. Wait and see how you get on. If you are struggling, you could reorganise your hours. Maybe your partner will cope with short periods to give you a break.

One of my friends had an old-fashioned 'mothers help', an older woman who came for a couple of hours twice a week, took the baby out for a walk and then tidied up or started supper, while friend had a siesta.

There are many single parents out there that cope just fine. I was one of them. It is a lot easier with the first because you can sleep during the day. And you definitely get used to it.

My DD was a terrible sleeper. I went back to work when she was 1 and she didn't sleep through until she was 3. With my DS I sleep trained and he has been sleeping through since 9 months. You can definitely make it work.

I found as long as I got one 3 hours chunk of sleep a night it was fine hopefully I got more sleep but it could be in smaller chunks

I do all nights as I breast feed and it’s not that bad but then it depends on your partner’s support otherwise and also your luck on what your baby is like.

Originally we were combine feeding and we’d take turns of doing alternative nights and to be honest I think that was actually harder for my body to cope with as I wasn’t in a pattern so would find it hard to sleep when baby would when it was my turn.

I’ve found the best way is to go to sleep when the baby does in the evening but we’re lucky that there’s a sleeping pattern where my son falls asleep between 7-9pm.

Also if I’ve had a bad night’s sleep my partner will look after him during the day/early evening while I have a nap. Before the baby had more of a sleeping pattern in the evening I’d go for a nap and get a few hours sleep so even if I was up a lot of the night I’d already slept for 3-4 hours and so didn’t need that many more to get 7 a reasonable overall total.

So yes it’s doable and not too bad!

I used to go to bed early, so I'd feed (bf) about 8pm, go to bed and get a good few hours leaving baby downstairs with him (I seemed to have babies that shuffled about a lot so I would be disturbed easily). He would try and hold off the next feed as long as possible but bring them up for the next one. I'd also catch up on sleep in the day when the had a nap.

We are in a similar situation and my husband has never done a night because of his medical issues.

What has saved me is breastfeeding and safely practiced cosleeping. I'd really recommend the book Sweet Sleep by La Leche League for information on this.

Using this approach even if baby wakes multiple times I'm still lying down cosy in bed and able to drift back to sleep quicker.

I have chronic fatigue. But if he’s anaemic, doesn’t the fatigue stem from that? What treatment is he on? Anaemia is fixable. Chronic fatigue is manageable. Just last night I was up for three hours throughout the night with my eldest. I managed because I went to bed at 6.30pm. And I will schedule in a sleep over lunchtime today.

I would suggest you not leave hospital until you have breastfeeding established. If you're doing everything every night alone this will be the easiest way. Demand any help needed to get a good latch. Read up on breastfeeding before you have the baby.

What does he do in the house now? And what will he do with a baby? Whats his week like now with work and hobbies? What will it look like with a baby? Whats he been advised to do to manage his conditions and does he do it.

My husband did 2-3 night shifts every week so I had a lot of solo nights with my Refluxy DD but the evenings he was there we tended to split the night.
It meant me going to bed between 7-8pm which was very early but I was shattered and so getting a good 3 or 4 hours sleep in by 11pm meant that I could deal with the nights.

Things that helped me were being really prepared so I made sure I had everything upstairs I needed for me during night (water etc) and things set out in kitchen for bottle prep during night.
Bit daft but I also had my favourite mug ready to go in morning for nice hot drink and my favourite breakfast which was a good mood boost when tired and emotional in the morning. It helped me feel a bit cheerier.

Could that type of system work for your house? Definitely aim for what works for you all

My DH has never done the nights; firstly because I breastfed so there never seemed any point and now he has a massive commute so it doesn’t feel safe. What he does though is at the weekends will get up anywhere between 5/6am and I go back to bed for a few hours or during newborn days I’d go to bed at 8/9pm and he’d do until 11/12. Also at weekends or during paternity leave i would nap in the day while he was at home.

I think the really positive thing you are doing is being prepared, Perhaps he can do a little at the beginning of the night so within his usual waking pattern? So if he can do 8-10.30 or something for you just so you get a little block at the beginning of you have a wakeful baby, or if he can do 5am-8am in the morning so you can have a rest? On his days off though I would really prepare him that he's going to need to be able to give you a day time nap if you are doing the vast majority of the night time wake ups. Also I think him really concentrating on and prioritising getting his health into the best possible place for him before you try to conceive, because even day time parenting can be pretty exhausting, it really depends on temperament and needs of your baby whether the early months are a dream or not. Toddlers tho, or active babies once they can move are a while new energy ball game! Wonderful but really really worth doing what ever he can now to be in the best shape mentally and physically for this. Babies sleep patterns tend to change a lot so being prepared that you may get into a routine that works well be that there needs to be flexibility if this changes.
Definitely worth Thinking about some paid help if that's an option for you whether it's a cleaner or someone who can help with having the baby for a bit so you can rest.
Our family live far but with my second baby my mum came down for a week when my husband returned to work, it was a life saver whilst me and my eldest were adjusting, so if you have a lovely mum or brother or sister make use of them if they would travel for a week of help :)

I had twins, and we (bottle) fed a baby each. DH then travelled in to work at 8am each day, returning at 6am. It was a long day, but he stepped up.

Returning at 6pm! Now that would be a long day
Actually, to stay he stepped up isn't fair on anybody - he just did what's expected of a parent.

Tbh if you plan to breastfeed it's mostly on the woman anyway. I've done most of the nights myself with both children. You do cope. Could he get up early and give you a lie in after a bad night?

I ebf and both mine pretty much wanted feeding every wake up. DH helped where he could, but he couldn't breastfed them. With my second I co-slept for a while to avoid getting up and down.

To me the biggest issue is often the resentment. You have mum on her knees with exhaustion and dad seemingly not caring because his need for 8 solid hours before sitting at a desk all day is greater. If you can avoid that resentment it helps. Discuss what he can do e.g. can he do an hour in the mornings to let you lie in? Can he pay for a cleaner so you can rest when babu naps etc

It'll be fine. I EBF and co slept which helped a lot. You sleep in the day when you can - and your DH can have your DC in the day to help you get even longer of a nap in the day. Then as I've gone back to work it's actually not as intense so DD is awake once or twice in the night but is quick to get back to sleep and as long as I get a solid 3 or 4 hours to start the night I'm fine. Also infancy isn't forever!! Eventually they sleep through the night

Learn to breastfeed lying down while co sleeping. My life with DC1 got so much easier when I nailed this. Also, really remind yourself constantly that the sleep deprivation is only temporary.

I did a lot of solo nights because dh worked away. I would seriously consider just the one dc in your situation, because I found that you can sleep in the day and go with the flow of that baby. It’s still bloody hard. No idea how people manage if there is a toddler thrown into the mix.

If you both adjust your sleeping patterns he can help still, so he goes to bed earlier than usual and then can get up earlier to take the baby (or vice versa). Plus if he pulls his weight in the day when not at work that gives you chance to rest. As long as you both try to help each other as best you can you'll be OK because you won't resent it. Good to have these conversations now though!

You just crack on? I have twins. DH had never done a single night. You'll be surprised how much your body adapts. Have to admit I'm a bit 😳 when women say they can't/won't cope with it especially when they are on maternity leave?

How do you all cope with sleep deprivation with a baby, if you're a single parent or if you have a partner who can't be as involved for whatever reason?

TBH, you just get on with it to a certain extent. After you plough through the early weeks/months you get used to it and adapt.

Your DP can help in other ways.

As pp have said, many people cope as single parents so it's not impossible. It largely depends on what your baby is like imho - I've had two, the first was gruelling with colic, pacing at night and crying for ages, long periods of crying in the day etc whereas the second would stir for a feed then go straight back to sleep, barely cried at all.

I'd have a back up plan in case you need it - post natal doula, nanny, or as people said an old fashioned mother's help who could step in. I'm sure Finding an honourary granny wouldn't be that hard?! Finding a cleaner would also help. I underestimated how physical looking after a baby is, you are on your feet a lot jiggling and burping and going for walks, dealing with extra laundry etc. The disruption to routine and emotional fall out of realigning your relationship is also a lot to deal with.

Not impossible, but see what other support you could rely on if you need to!

If you end up not breastfeeding, get a perfect prep for night needs so you don’t need to mess about making up feeds. (Not everyone’s choice but I did all nights and it was a life-saver for me!)

The other thing that worked for us (my DP also has CFS) is to have one bedroom as “sleeping” and one “being with baby”. This meant whoever was off-shift with the baby got proper unbroken sleep. When I was really tired I’d sleep 7pm-12 and then take over so DP could sleep 12-6.30. But if baby slept 9-11, DP could lie down in the other bedroom and doze.