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Sleep

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Original poster

How do you cope if your partner can't ever do nights...?

92 replies

violetanemone · 01/11/2021 05:13

Currently TTC our first, my partner has anaemia and chronic fatigue.

We have no family in the immediate area to help out. He won't be able to do nights, it will just do him in, so I will be pretty much doing it all, I know this. We both desperately want to be parents. Are we crazy?

How do you all cope with sleep deprivation with a baby, if you're a single parent or if you have a partner who can't be as involved for whatever reason?

Is it really as bad as they say or do you manage OK?

OP posts:

user1471481356 · 08/11/2021 04:23

It’s fine. You just get on with it and do it. You’re permanently exhausted for 2-3 years and then it slowly gets better. He could let you have a sleep in, you could go to bed early and he could do any feeds before he goes to bed. It will be fine.

Recycledblonde · 08/11/2021 04:44

I always did the nights as I bf and there wasn’t much else to do, I only changed nappies if they were dirty which wasn’t often. DH left for work at 6.30 and got back at 8pm. I didn’t do any settling after a feed just latched them back on if they cried. I was lucky, none of mine had colic and they fell into a routine reasonably quickly. The 6pm -8pm was the worst until I decided to weld myself to the sofa with a book, food and the remote and assume I would be feeding solidly for two hours.
It was more difficult when I had a newborn and a 20 month old, weeknight bedtimes were down to me, I got very good at breastfeeding on the move and doing things one handed. Story tapes and picnic teas on my bed were my saviour,

Kona84 · 08/11/2021 05:00

I’m coping fine.
Baby is 3 weeks - the first week was hard I slept maybe 4 hours the whole week.
But now we are finding a routine.
Baby tends to have last feed around 11pm and then wakes at2am so I get 3 hrs sleep.
She will be back asleep by 3am and then will wake again around 5 so get another 2hrs
Then she will wake at around 7 and I start the day. Normally get between 5 and 6 broken hours of sleep but That is doing fine with me.
My partner is on medication that means he is very drowsy and sleeps the night away.
Through the day he pulls his weight with lots of baby holding, cleaning etc
I’m breast feeding anyway so not much he can do through night

MonicaGellerBing · 08/11/2021 05:54

I'd honestly have a long hard think about this OP. It's not just night wakings as a baby, if your husband is so ill he needs to go to bed after work and is not able to do much at weekend etc the whole of that child's life is going to be your sole responsibility. Toddlers are even more exhausting than babies and if you have a DH who needs to constantly rest you may find this difficult. You need to be prepared for years of managing alone not just night feeds

NatalieH2220 · 08/11/2021 06:08

It is of course hard at times but it doesn't last forever. If it's your first it's slightly better as you can nap during the day if it's that bad. Obviously not as much as others think as you still have to do various other chores that need doing but the option is there for the days you really really need it. We got into a routine fairly quickly and my body adjusted to the wake ups.

miltonj · 08/11/2021 06:09

I think it's different than being a single parent, because you do have a partner and even though he has reasons that you accept for being less hands on, he will be there doing less than you and whilst you are in the depth of sleep deprivation, resentment may grow. So you will need to put a plan of action in place now really to protect your marriage, really think about what other ways he can support you in this and how he can take the load off without affecting his health. He can certainly still be an engaged father and husband but he'll need to figure out his own ways of doing things.

Also (and I'm sure he already is) he really needs to be working on overcoming his cfs, at the risk of sounding extremely patronising as you are the family that are living with this, it doesn't have to be a lifelong condition. Best of luck whatever you decide... having kids is brilliant and I'm sure you'll do just fine, being a team imo is the most important thing, so as I say, so what you can to protect that.

AvocadoOrange · 08/11/2021 06:28

If you are breastfeeding then it's easier not to share nights in my opinion. Have the baby close and then you can breastfeed while sleeping (can take a while to get hang of this and doesn't work for everyone but I found it revolutionary for sleep).
However having a partner who is able to help and support you makes a big difference - changing nappies, making dinner, household stuff, taking baby for walk etc...do you have a support network?

HalloweenScrooge · 08/11/2021 06:36

I think many mothers who breastfeed end up doing all of the nights solo. I certainly did. There was no point DH doing it because he didn’t have the milk, and even when they were bigger they still wanted me. I prioritised maximum sleep for all over an equitable split of nighttime parenting. Indeed, mine are 5&7 and I’m currently in the spare bed with both children as they have needed connection in the night.

Probably something that will be really important for you is separate beds when baby is small. If he’s in the same room as you and baby you will disturb him.

But I’m actually wondering about his underlying health condition. Will the introduction of a tiny plague spreader be a good idea?

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 08/11/2021 06:36

I was a single parent with DS2, he also couldn't suck properly, so was feeding constantly. Everything else goes to shit and you're just looking after the baby until they're sleeping through.

pregnantorkebab · 08/11/2021 06:46

I agree with a PP about protecting your marriage...sleep deprivation, when it feels one sided, can lead to resentment. It did in my case. If he needs to go to bed early, then he can get up early to give you a few solid hours in the morning, he will just have to, as harsh as it sounds. We have to after pregnancy, labour and birth.

Those few hours were enough to get me through the worst of it.

I don't want to sound doom and gloom but this is a sore topic for me...I had PND and a particularly terrible sleeper - those were literally the words of the health visitor once diagnosed, my DH and our families helped a lot more, but I honestly feel I wouldn't have got so ill if things hadn't been so bad with sleeping.

merrymouse · 08/11/2021 06:54

I agree with others - if you breastfeed there isn’t much point in sharing nights and you just get through it.

However, if you parent with somebody else this is usually balanced out by getting some support during the day.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/11/2021 07:04

I managed as a full time working single mum. I had a very sleepy baby though.

SeaToSki · 08/11/2021 07:18

Read the Contented Baby book by Gina Ford

Use a dummy and then sleep train, gently, when they can control their hands enough to suck on a thumb (def not before 4 months)

Start the baby on a bottle of expressed milk at 3 weeks and do one every evening so they dont forget how to drink from a bottle

DH comes home from work, goes straight to bed for 2 hrs. You have an early dinner while he is sleeping and and then you go to bed immediately after he wakes, leaving baby with DH (who does the housework and has his dinner) to do a dream feed as late as possible before he has to go to bed. You then do any wake ups after that.

Consider sleeping in separate rooms to maximize both your sleep.
Use a white board somewhere so you can leave notes for each other on when baby last fed etc
Get yourself bed socks (its ridiculous what a difference they make in being able to get back to sleep quickly after a middle of the night wake up)
Put the baby in its own room as soon as you are comfortable with it. They are noisy sleepers and often stir in the night which then wakes you..but if you leave them to it, they often settle back to sleep and dont need a feed

Indoctro · 08/11/2021 07:30

You get used to it

Simple as that. The body learns to cope

My son never slept more than 45 minutes for first 10 months of his life

Then he would have multiple wakings till he was 5 years old.
I had another baby with less than 2 years before then , so didn't get more than 3/4 hours sleep for 5 years

The result of that was many viruses and illnesses due to such a low immune system, and of course still having to deal with the kids even though I was really unwell

But you know what I survived, you just do

It wasn't pleasant and I'm very glad those days are behind me.

3WildOnes · 08/11/2021 07:57

Do you have any other family who can help out? You could have a traumatic birth with significant blood loss and not be physically able to do everything yourself. I have had a few friends who haven’t been able to look after their babies at first. One had a traumatic delivery, another had sepsis and another was admitted to hospital with mastitis. All of their husbands had to step in and take care of the babies for a few days.

IsabelHerna · 22/11/2021 22:07

Loooved this thread! I am in the process of trying to become a single mum by choice so I needed this!

I wish you good luck to you both and sending energetic & positive vibes to all you lovely ladies x

OldTinHat · 22/11/2021 22:14

You'll do it. That's it. You will. You can only rely on yourself after all.

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