How do you cope if your partner can't ever do nights...?

[violetanemone]

Currently TTC our first, my partner has anaemia and chronic fatigue.

We have no family in the immediate area to help out. He won't be able to do nights, it will just do him in, so I will be pretty much doing it all, I know this. We both desperately want to be parents. Are we crazy?

How do you all cope with sleep deprivation with a baby, if you're a single parent or if you have a partner who can't be as involved for whatever reason?

Is it really as bad as they say or do you manage OK?

I was a single parent and I was pretty sleep deprived for the first couple of months but I also had a 5 year old so that made it more difficult. Had she been my first baby I probably would have found it a lot easier because I could have slept through the day. I was lucky that by 12 weeks she started to sleep 12+ hours I think someone was looking down on me I don't think if have coped so well had the night wakings gone on for longer!

Also agree with @Morred I had a a perfect prep in my bedroom for the night feeds that was a life saver! Plenty of single parents or people with useless partners manage so there's no reason why you won't. Especially if your partner is supportive and helps out through the day.

For those comparing a partner with extreme fatigue with a working partner, it really isn't the same thing. It is hard to understand the bone crushing inescapable exhaustion to someone that hasn't lived with it or experienced living with someone that has it. But there is genuinely no way my DH could do nights. His brain just wouldn't be able to function and he'd have to sleep all day to catch up. You can't just push through it. It is all consuming.

He also struggles to manage baby for a few hours on his own in the evening because he's so exhausted from just surviving the day that he doesn't have any mental capacity left by the evening to feel comfortable to safely look after a child.

It's shit, but for some people that is medical reality.

Also PP assuming that partner can help out during the day, unfortunately that also just isn't always possible with extreme fatigue.

I'm not trying to put OP off. Just saying it is safer to assume that she will have to do everything herself, everything around the house and for the baby. That she has made her decision based on worst case, and anything else is a bonus.

I breastfed so did all nights.

What my husband could do to help was take care of all household chores / toddler when he wasn't at work. That allowed me time in the day to put my feet up and rest.

He'd have cuddles with the baby in the afternoon so I could nap / shower.

It is hard for the first three months but then my two became quite predictable and most nights would wake at the same times for feeds. I got into that pattern of sleep and it was fine. I night weaned at 9 months and they slept through from then.

My youngest was also a bit a of a unicorn baby. She was EBF and slept from 10pm to 5am (basically my night) from about 8 weeks.

I've always done nights for both of mine because I breastfed and so it just made more sense. Whenever I had a terrible night, my dh would help more in the next day and try and let me get some extra sleep. Of course some days it's not possible and I've been really tired, sometimes even had a little cry about it (tiredness makes me emotional!) but it's been fine. You get used to disturbed sleep and then become weirdly grateful for 4 hour stretches when they come and then when they're finally sleeping all night, you feel like you've won some kind of sleep lottery!

You'll be fine, you adjust and plenty of people do this on their own. My husband hasn't done any nights as he is working and I am on mat leave (we agreed this and I am happy with our arrangement). It's not too bad and you get used to disrupted sleep. Your partner could always entertain the baby in the daytime/supervise their naps while you have a rest. If you are wanting to BF get started with expressing and bottle feeding early so he can do daytime feeds as well. Is he received support for his anaemia/CFS? If not, it might be worth him seeking this now. Good luck.

I’d start by considering what your partner can do - ie could he have baby 7pm to 10pm (or later?) and give a bottle of expressed or formula milk so you can sleep? Can he reduce his working days to give you a breather? What are his/your work patterns like? What about weekends? And what is he doing to address his anaemia? Do you have money to throw at making your life easier (ready meals, night nanny, cleaner)?

As PP said lots of single parents cope brilliantly but I think you need to be very careful in your circumstances to avoid resentment building up. My OH suffers from headaches/migraines exacerbated by sleep deprivation and it’s hard not to get into competitive tiredness, tbh.

I breastfed my second so did all the nights, you are tired and you get used to it. Good luck x

I did all of the nights for all 4 of mine because I bf. It's fine. Just make sure he pulls his weight with other things.

I did it as a single mum whilst working full time as a nurse, I only got 6 weeks off in those days.
You just get through it somehow. They are not babies for ever.

I was a single parent so never had any partner to help anyway, single from pregnancy, you just get on with it really, I was breastfeeding anyway so would have done them all anyway I was a single parent with a 6 year old 5 year old 3 year old and newborn my ex wasn’t around as he left me when I was pregnant. You really do just get on with it

It’s not that hard, and you eventually adjust. I breastfeed so have to do the nights anyway. By the time it gets to 6am ish my husband will do the nappy change and entertain baby if she is awake while I sleep in for a bit more. He’ll also do the bedtime routine a lot of the time, I won’t be napping then but I’ll just be on the sofa enjoying a bit of baby free time. I personally don’t really mind being tired in the day on maternity leave because although looking after a baby can be hard, it’s not like you need to use a lot of brain capacity like you would at work if that makes sense.

Someone said to us: you do sleep, just not in the way you’re used to. It’s interrupted, sure, but it’s fine. DH never does nights either, that’s our choice.

I've a 3 week old and am a single parent. I don't know any difference to be honest and you get used to it. It is my new normal. I will say lack of sleep in pregnancy prepared me a little more also. And your body gets used to falling back to sleep once baby does. That was a worry of mine as I am a light sleeper. Breastfeeding has helped in my opinion

The thing with breastfeeding as well when my ex was around he never did the nights, because I breastfed all of my children, unlike some couples I wouldn’t expect him to get up just for the sake of it if he couldn’t actually feed the baby.

I did all the nights because I couldn't cope with being sleep deprived AND having my DH moping around moaning about being sleep deprived too. I also bf so it was easier to just co sleep and then do all the wakings when DS was in his own cot.
To be honest though I am still resentful now and it's years later. He moaned about broken sleep anyway and he never understood just quite how horrific it feels to get a grand total of 2 hours sleep in 24 hours, post traumatic c section, for weeks and weeks and weeks on end.

@squee123 Sure, but anaemia is treatable. I have multiple severely fatiguing conditions but I still feel much worse when very anaemic. Why wouldn't you treat what can be treated?

Hmmm I have lupus, Addison’s, sjorgens, anaemia, asthma and a pituitary tumour. We have a child aged 9 who has autism who has never slept through. Ever. We both take turns to get up, me probably more than dh who works full time - I don’t work. You just middle through! Having health issues doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t get up in the night; you just have to adjust your expectations of what you can get done in the day depending on what sort of night you’ve had.

*muddle

Not all babies are bad sleepers- mine slept 7pm - 7am with just one very quick night feed .... from the day he came home from hospital. I was strict - we introduced a GF routine immediately and it worked (probably just luck) but I can honestly say I never had a disturbed night.

I do all nights as I breastfeed DD 5m. I'll be going back to work next week, and I'll still do nights. We've been co-sleeping till recently, so night feeds are pretty stress-free - she wriggles a bit, I wake up and plug her in, we both go back to sleep.

Also, as PPs have said, not all babies are bad sleepers (this is down to luck). DD woke up from the beginning at 2am and 4am, but has now pretty much dropped the 2am feed. And as I said, the waking time is minutes, with no fussing or crying.

You'll find the way that suits you, don't worry.

I think you need to consider what your partner CAN do, whether day or night. If you're on maternity leave with just one baby you can probably work it out because you're not tied to school run, work time etc. Can he do daytime nappy changes, winding after a feed, order an online shop etc? If he can do some housework that would help. Being able to take the baby for a morning/afternoon would be great of course if he can manage it. It's about what he can do to support you as a whole, not just nights. Also, many women get v tired during pregnancy too so you may need to make adjustments before baby arrives anyway. Good luck

Anaemia caused by iron deficiency is treatable. But there are other chronic forms.

Is your partner working? can he help during the day? I think these questions are key otherwise it may be too much for you and the relationship, especially if your husband does also require care due to his condition.

One thing I would say is that once a baby is around, mostly everybody copes (you have to, you can’t send the baby back) But that doesn’t mean necessarily it is going to be an easy life or a happy one. Babies put a lot of strain on your day, relationship and finances and you also need to factor in how your OH’s condition will evolve, so, It is only you who can decide whether adding a child to the question is doable for you, particularly for YOU as you will be the one providing most of the care but maybe, in due course, the main provider (you also need to factor in whether your OH will need to become the primary carer of the child and if he could manage that if at some point he is not able to work)

You are not committing to a “baby” here. Babies are babies only for a few months, it is the 18-21 year commitment that you should be considering.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

I would suggest you not leave hospital until you have breastfeeding established. If you're doing everything every night alone this will be the easiest way. Demand any help needed to get a good latch. Read up on breastfeeding before you have the baby.

What does he do in the house now? And what will he do with a baby? Whats his week like now with work and hobbies? What will it look like with a baby? Whats he been advised to do to manage his conditions and does he do it.

Thank you, that is helpful to know, I didn't know you could ask to stay in hospital to establish breastfeeding? I will read up on it.

My partner is great around the house, does a lot of cooking and cleaning. Things are equal in terms of daytime chores - possibly a little more him to be honest as he does like things clean and tidy.

He works full time in a position with a lot of responsibility.

It's just his health, combined with stressful job, means that there is no way he will be able to be awake in the night.

His condition is what it is and unfortunately is never going to change - medical intervention his whole life, etc. We do everything that can be done, but he still has fatigue.

It is reassuring what people are saying though and it seems it will be manageable :) (I hope!)