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Original poster

How do you cope if your partner can't ever do nights...?

92 replies

violetanemone · 01/11/2021 05:13

Currently TTC our first, my partner has anaemia and chronic fatigue.

We have no family in the immediate area to help out. He won't be able to do nights, it will just do him in, so I will be pretty much doing it all, I know this. We both desperately want to be parents. Are we crazy?

How do you all cope with sleep deprivation with a baby, if you're a single parent or if you have a partner who can't be as involved for whatever reason?

Is it really as bad as they say or do you manage OK?

OP posts:
Original poster
violetanemone · 01/11/2021 11:09

@squee123

For those comparing a partner with extreme fatigue with a working partner, it really isn't the same thing. It is hard to understand the bone crushing inescapable exhaustion to someone that hasn't lived with it or experienced living with someone that has it. But there is genuinely no way my DH could do nights. His brain just wouldn't be able to function and he'd have to sleep all day to catch up. You can't just push through it. It is all consuming.

He also struggles to manage baby for a few hours on his own in the evening because he's so exhausted from just surviving the day that he doesn't have any mental capacity left by the evening to feel comfortable to safely look after a child.

It's shit, but for some people that is medical reality.

Exactly, I think my partner might be like this.

He works full time and ALSO has extreme fatigue due to complex medical issues. So for us it's not even a case of comparison, it's both.

I don't know if it will be possible to hand the baby to him when he gets home from work, because sometimes he gets home from work and crashes in bed for 2 hours. Then will get up for dinner and go back to bed.

That's not every night but also not all that rare.

Thank you for the understanding post x

OP posts:
Lemonlemon88 · 01/11/2021 11:11

I had a side sleeper and it was amazing. I also had baby in the cot in the room with us. I could wake up, feed baby, and put back to bed without a lot of disturbance. I wouldn't have coped if i had woken up properly going from room to room.

Original poster
violetanemone · 01/11/2021 11:14

@Didiusfalco

I did a lot of solo nights because dh worked away. I would seriously consider just the one dc in your situation, because I found that you can sleep in the day and go with the flow of that baby. It’s still bloody hard. No idea how people manage if there is a toddler thrown into the mix.
I think we will to be honest. Part of me likes the idea of two but I don't think it's going to be practical for us, but I'm making peace with that. If we can cope with one I'll be happy!
OP posts:
Original poster
violetanemone · 01/11/2021 11:20

[quote Innocenta]@squee123 Sure, but anaemia is treatable. I have multiple severely fatiguing conditions but I still feel much worse when very anaemic. Why wouldn't you treat what can be treated? [/quote]
Anaemia/ fatigue are a side effect of a more complex issue for us.

Obviously, if it could be treated, it would be being treated.

OP posts:
BunNcheese · 01/11/2021 14:11

I think it's doable. As single parents mange but it depends on your support network around you too as well as what type of baby you have.

Good/bad sleeper. Assuming you have a healthy baby which of course nobody knows and that could strike us all OP.

Just10moreminutesplease · 01/11/2021 14:21

I honestly don’t think I could do all the nights myself. I really really struggle to function when sleep deprived.

But based on this thread it seems like plenty of people cope OK… could you set an alarm to go off at multiple intervals as a kind of practice to see how you find it?

Or could your partner get up extra early so you can get a solid chunk of sleep in the mornings?

Good luck!

Thatsplentyjack · 01/11/2021 14:26

I've had three and none of mine have been terrible through the night. The first wasn't great for a little while, but the second and third basically just got up for a bottle and went back to sleep once during the night. The third still wakes up during the night sometimes but I don't give her milk anymore, and she's an early riser. Usually 5am every morning. It just depends on what type of baby you get. You will manage but your partner will have to give you a break at some point. Maybe he could get up with the baby in the morning and let you sleep in? Or let you go to bed much earlier at night?

Fancyties · 01/11/2021 14:28

my Oh does 7pm till 12/1am as that's when he goes bed. I do rest. Tbh though most the time she doesn't wake in that time now, I usually get raw end of deal after midnight when she's unsettled. I have managed, 8 months old now. I do all feeds, wakings. Sleep deprivation is a killer but I have and will surrived so far. Some days are better then others. You manage. I just make sure I eat and go bed and asleep by 9pm (early days I was asleep by 7pm 😂) and I was anemic until recently where my levels picked up. Most of it I was a zombie 🧟‍♂️ 😂

Thatsplentyjack · 01/11/2021 14:29

I think we will to be honest. Part of me likes the idea of two but I don't think it's going to be practical for us, but I'm making peace with that. If we can cope with one I'll be happy!

If you didn't want another, you could just leave a bigger age gap? There's 5 years between my first two and 7 years between the second and third. That worked out quite well.

Oblomov21 · 01/11/2021 14:32

Many women do, I did all nights with ds's because I was breastfeeding and Dh was working.

I went to bed every evening as soon as i had put them to bed at 6pm, so I was asleep by 8pm. I slept till the 10pm feed, then the 2am feed, then the 6am feed. But I was lucky because mine were naturally regimented and fed every 4 hours on the dot, like clockwork.

If your child is awake a lot or difficult, you will struggle. Dh could help at weekends? or pay for help during the day so you can sleep? I booked Ds1 into the gym crèche, for 4 hours. Instead of going to the gym I went home and slept for 4 hours!

Cameleongirl · 01/11/2021 14:42

Like some PP's, I chose to do all the nights, because I was studying and my DH had a job that I really didn't think he could do if he was over-tired. I asked him to sleep in the spare room for the first few weeks so he could sleep and I had the baby in a bassinet by the bed.

I was able to cope by going to bed really early with the baby. It sounds as if your DH can manage cooking dinner if he rests beforehand so perhaps you and the baby can sleep for as much of the evening as possible, don't try to stay awake to spend time with him if you're exhausted. That might sound selfish, but fingers crossed it'll only be for a few weeks. Both mine started sleeping for longer periods by four months and that changed everything for the better. Good luck. Flowers

TurnUpTurnip · 01/11/2021 14:43

You would cope with the nights if you had no choice and was a single Parent, people who say they couldn’t cope are lucky to have the choice and only say it because they aren’t forced into the situation, if you had no choice but To do it then you would find a way to cope. My ex didn’t see my daughter until she was 1 and I had no family help. What’s the alternative but to cope?

thefamous5 · 01/11/2021 14:43

My husband never did nights because I breastfeed so wouldn't be any point.

You just manage

TurnUpTurnip · 01/11/2021 14:44

Even then my ex has never had the children over night not once since we split 5 years ago and I am still up most the night (autistic children)

Beetlewing · 01/11/2021 14:46

It was torture. I'm still trying to catch up on sleep at mine are 8 and 10. Long term effects are massive. I used to wish for a car accident to happen so I could be in a coma for a few weeks JUST to claw back some sleep. If I'd have known it would be as bad as it was, and I'd have to give up all rest, relaxation and REM sleep I'd never have had children. Currently eldest at 31 is needing support often late into the night so it never ends

RoseAndGeranium · 01/11/2021 14:48

You really do get used to it. With our first I did all night feeds and changes and all early mornings until baby was 4 months (at which point my husband took over one early morning a week so I could have a lie in. I finally handed over some of the night time responsibilities once baby was fully weaned at around 15 months. It was tiring and I went to bed as early as I could but we managed.

Yogaandcocoa · 01/11/2021 14:49

My DH doesn't help with feeds or much else so I do days and nights and it's fine. Sometimes you feel tired but it's manageable.

Cameleongirl · 01/11/2021 14:52

@Beetlewing

It was torture. I'm still trying to catch up on sleep at mine are 8 and 10. Long term effects are massive. I used to wish for a car accident to happen so I could be in a coma for a few weeks JUST to claw back some sleep. If I'd have known it would be as bad as it was, and I'd have to give up all rest, relaxation and REM sleep I'd never have had children. Currently eldest at 31 is needing support often late into the night so it never ends
That sounds awful, @Beetlewing, but I don't think it's a typical experience. My two teenagers would happily sleep for 12 hours and have been like that for several years.

Personally, the sleep deprivation was largely gone by the time they were two to three, definitely by four. Perhaps that's unusual?

TreesoftheField · 01/11/2021 14:54

My partner has CFS.
I did all night feeds. It was OK.
What is more stressful is when he relapses and I get stressed about him staying in work. Without children we could manage on my salary but now it's more of a worry.
He is relapsing more now he's older and it makes me panic. I also feel resentful as he normally sleeps in till 11 at weekends to recover from working all week. It can be quite lonely. Also he always gets ill when I do and I have to keep going no matter how I feel.
I would think about the future as well as the night feeds.

HappyMeal564 · 01/11/2021 15:16

You find what works with you and you go with it. Honestly you'll be fine.

Brokenrecord3006 · 01/11/2021 16:01

My husband is brilliant but never did the nights when DS was little. There was no need. I was breastfeeding and home all day so it made sense that DH slept at night. Other parents I know were all the same so it seems to be quite a normal set up.

It is exhausting and feels like torture but you just do it because you don't have any other choice unless you go back in time and decide that it's crazy to have a child

again2020 · 05/11/2021 09:29

My partner never did nights really. I only have one and breastfed her but I know it I ever had a second it would be the same. What we did is sleep in shifts with a bottle of expressed milk. Luckily her taking a bottle wasn't a problem.
I'm a night owl so sat up with DD until 4am then woke partner up at 4am and then I slept until 8ish. I do recall DD sleeping on and off when I was up, but I found it hard to drop off until my 'shift' was over as had PPA/PND.
I do naturally need less sleep than my partner your body adjusts and you cope. 4 years later I'm fine on 5-6 hours. Mother's change more than father's, it's inevitable really.
A midwife said to me if you breastfed you sleep deeper, so the sleep you do get is good quality. I'm not sure if there's any truth in this.

The fact that you are thinking about this and are prepared stands you in very good stead. I think I got PND as I had no experience with babies and didn't think about anything past giving birth (which was fine!) so it was huge shock to me once she arrived. If I ever did had another child I would try to be more relaxed, each phase passes and they aren't small for long.
Coffee and fresh air and music always helped me too if I was very tired.
Good luck OP Brew

mawkthestork · 05/11/2021 09:38

You just do it I suppose, once you get into your own routine etc it isn't actually that bad.
DH worked away for the first few months of DD's life so it was just me and her, we got into a routine, I went to bed early when she went down and got a couple hours in before her first feed. I'd also nap in the day if we'd had a bad night. Don't get me wrong it was hard especially when she was going through sleep regression or wasn't well but you just go on auto pilot.
Just make sure you have everything you could need in the night close by then you won't have to get up and find stuff while your half asleep, I had everything set up for her feed and a change on our bedroom drawers so as soon as she stirred I could get up and make a bottle and didn't have to go all the way downstairs in the night.

lilu38 · 07/11/2021 22:23

@Dogsandbabies any tips on how to sleep train? I'm a single mum and my one year old is not sleeping through.. due to go back tk work next week! Starting to panic xxx

Dogsandbabies · 08/11/2021 04:18

@lilu38 I used the baby sleep solution book. It is a gentle training solution which suited me best as I am not willing to leave a crying baby alone. I did it at 8 months and it took 3 weeks or so but it did work very well! He is now 2 and a half and has been a champion sleeper ever since.

I am planning to do it again with my third when he is around the same age before I return to work. Good luck!