@TradedAtlanta’s posts are always so thoughtful and well written. I completely agree with everything she’s said. It totally goes against your instincts to let your baby cry. It felt really wrong to me, too. I think it’s such a personal choice whether you want to continue or whether you decide it’s not right for you.
There are a couple of things that helped me. The first is possibly specific to my DD but where you mentioned feeding to sleep working less and him crying anyway, it reminded me of this. When my DD cries before sleep, I’ve found that she will stop as soon as I go to comfort her, but then she’ll start up again as, whilst soothing and comfort are nice, I haven’t actually made the tiredness stop. She’s not crying because she needs me, even though it’s nice that I’m there, she’s crying because she’s tired and frustrated. It was the same with the long night wakings as well. Nothing I did ever helped her, she eventually just got tired enough to go back to sleep.
Before a nap, she does go through phases of having a bit of a cry before she goes to sleep. Generally it’s brief and intermittent, but I can hear that it’s a tired cry, and actually there aren’t any tears, she’s just frustrated not to be asleep. For my DD (I totally realise not all babies are like this) the best thing I can do for her is leave her to it. If she starts to get upset, that’s when I would go in. But again, I can only comfort her, I can’t actually make her sleep. So even though I’m comforting and settling her, she still cries. I think when you’re worried about him crying, it’s important to take into account what kind of cry it is - is he actually upset, or is he cross and tired? If he’d be crying with you there anyway, and there’s actually nothing you can do to help him, then although it feels horrible you’re probably helping him more in the long run in showing him he can fall asleep by himself.
You’re probably worried having read that that my DD always cries before sleep and that your DS will, too. But that’s not the case at all. Bedtimes are absolutely lovely at the moment (they have been for a long time, but I always hold in mind that everything is a phase!). She just snuffles down and drifts off happily. Very often it’s the same for naps, but sometimes she just goes through these little phases. It’s so lovely that she goes to bed happily and I’m sure your DS will get there, too.
Speaking more broadly, there is a lot of fearmongering when it comes to sleep training. The research does show that it’s not appropriate for younger babies, but the idea that babies who are sleep trained learn that no one is coming for them so they stop crying at night simply isn’t supported by research (or common sense!). All babies cry in the night if they need something. If a baby doesn’t know how to get to sleep by themselves they will cry for help with that. If they know how, they won’t. But if they are in pain, cold, stuck with their arm through the bar of their cot, or anything else - your baby will cry for you! When people write on mumsnet (or anywhere else) about sleep training, the vast majority say that they sleep trained and after that their babies slept well.... except for teething/colds etc etc. Their babies don’t just lie there if something is wrong!
I believe this comes down to a misunderstanding of attachment theory. A baby’s ‘attachment’ style can be secure or insecure (there are different types of insecure attachment). Securely attached babies know their needs will be met by their mother (/main caregiver, but I will say mother just for simplicity). They experience lots of positive, loving interactions with their mother and family members every day. When they have a need, the mother recognises this, and meets their need. The relationship they have with their mother becomes the blueprint for how they see the world, and how their relationships with others tend to go. Securely attached babies grow up feeling that they are loved, they are important, they matter, their needs matter, the world is safe, and people are generally trustworthy. They tend to have better mental health in adulthood and their overall outcomes tend to be better.
One type of insecure attachment is referred to as ‘avoidant’ - this describes children who have learnt that no one is going to meet their needs. For this to happen, their mothers need to consistently fail to meet their needs. These children/babies don’t bother to cry, or seek comfort - they know there’s no point. They grow up feeling that they aren’t important, they aren’t loved. They learn that the world is not a safe place, and they can’t trust people. I have met lots of children like this, due to my work. It’s quite honestly heartbreaking. However, it’s at the extreme end of things.
When you are sleep training, you aren’t just leaving a baby to cry. You are reassuring them repeatedly. You are also doing this in the context of a very happy, secure overall life experience. Given that you are thinking so much about how this could impact your baby, I sure you are a very loving, nurturing, responsive, caring mum. Every single interaction you have with your baby, day after day after day, teaches him that he is loved and safe, that he can communicate his needs, that the world is a happy, safe, place, and that people are generally trustworthy. All that work you’ve put in, all the love you’ve poured into him, can’t be undone by a little bit of sleep training. Babies are simply more resilient than that!
All this is to say that you won’t be doing any harm if he’s left to cry for short periods while he is learning to fall asleep by himself. But, having said that, if it feels wrong to you and you don’t want to do it, then don’t. There’s nothing wrong with deciding something isn’t right for you.
@tradedatlanta - sorry to hear about DD’s cold. Typical! She’ll be back to sleeping well soon, I’m sure. It must be nice that the disrupted nights are the exception now, though. Hope you’re settling back into work okay.