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Sleep

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Original poster

P is going to leave me if I cannot stop DS from sharing our bed!

35 replies

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:19

Help please!

My DS is 14 months old, and from the time he started teething to now he wakes up around 2/3am and he comes into bed with me.

P has now told me that this is not acceptable, as he is too tired for work from being awoken from DS and also he avoids coming to bed because of it.

I need help really! DS would not sleep at all last night (he was really hot and sweaty and he had terrible nappy rash poor love) so we both slept on the settee in the living room, as I was too scared to come to bed.

What is the best thing to do? We share a room with DS as we live with my mum and there isnt any room.

I need help with a completely new routine I suppose, which is going to be hard!

Thank you for reading I will appreciate any advice at all!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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LadyTophamHatt · 30/09/2007 09:23

blimey...do you think he'd really leave you?

sounds extreme imo....and abit of an arse too.

sorry no advice

Original poster

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:25

He says that its because I promised to change the last time we had a fight over a year ago. He didn't really talk about it and it all came out when we were drunk on friday night for his birthday!

OP posts:

Desiderata · 30/09/2007 09:27

Your dp needs to sleep on the settee, if he can't cope.

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 09:27

Your partner is an adult. He needs to go to bed earlier if he is not getting enough sleep. It isn't your fault if your ds is teething and needs your attention during the night. If there was a simple cure to get babies and toddlers sleeping through without disturbing their parents then everyone would be doing it - it wouldn't be a secret! Children need parenting during the day and nighttime and your partner is being a selfish, immature arse. Tell him as ds's parents you need to be a team and that you need his help and support with this. If he thinks it is easy to get ds to stop waking in the night, suggest he takes over the night time parenting and see how easy he finds it is to stop ds waking up.

kama · 30/09/2007 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NappiesGalore · 30/09/2007 09:27

if he can leave you, as in move out of your mums, why cant he find a place for all of you? then you could sleep in a seperate room from your ds? which might give you a better chance of getting him to sleep on his own

elesbells · 30/09/2007 09:29

i agree with desi - make him kip on the sofa.

MegBusset · 30/09/2007 09:29

Does seem a bit unfair of him to issue an ultimatum like this. If DS stays in his cot, and thus wakes more, will he deal with his share of the wakings? Could your partner not sleep on the settee on nights when he needs more rest?

If YOU want to get DS out of your bed, perhaps you could try taking one side off his cot and having it right up against your bed? Alternatively is there any way you could get a bigger bed, and have the baby between you and a bed rail, so minimising disturbance to your partner?

NappiesGalore · 30/09/2007 09:30

tho what id prob do is say something along the lines of 'dont bang the door on your way out, and the csa will be in touch' and then have a lovely cosy bed and routine for ds and i, undisturbed by stroppy partner!

MegBusset · 30/09/2007 09:30

X-posted, I agree with F&Z!

Original poster

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:32

I sometimes wish he would leave!

I am going to be starting working overnights soon, so he will have to look after him.
I just have no idea how else to look after him. P says that he is too attached to me, which is a joke, cos whenever he is at home DS ignores me and does whatever P says! He even doesnt go through the gate to the kitchen if P tells him not to!

I feel like im at the end of my tether. We were out for his birthday and I went up to him for a hug and went 'im tired!' and he just told me to 'fuck off home then'.

And he said that about the sleep and stuff.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 09:35

At 14 months a baby is meant to be attached to you

your p doesn't seem to have a clue what looking after a child is about

Original poster

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:36

im just so confused!

I like DS in my bed, it just means i'm not waiting for him to wake up!

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 09:39

Yes it is how we are designed to sleep, so if it works for you, then don't change anything!

IMO the partner who is taking care of the night wakings chooses where they get to sleep and where ds gets to sleep. If the other P is disturbed by this then they have the option of a) putting up with it b) going to sleep elsewhere (ie sofa, floor NOT storming off and leaving)

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 09:41

sorry pressed post too soon

I know from long experience that sleep deprivation is horrible, but it is for a comparitively short time in the grand scheme of things

what is important is that you meet your child's needs for care. The two of you need to work together to do this as it is very hard when they are so little. If your P can't see this then he is being a shit dad, and a crap partner, and needs a boot up the arse. Sorry to be so blunt.

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 09:41

comparatively

agalch · 30/09/2007 09:42

Hi Koshka

Remember me? On the July thread?

You need to kick him out the bed and make him sleep elsewhere. DD2 still sleeps with me (as did ds's 1+2 and dd1)and dH sleeps on a single matress on our bedroom floor. He knows that the dc come first and puts up with it cos he is a grown-up.

Hope you get it sorted out anyway xxx

sfxmum · 30/09/2007 09:46

sorry but this sounds like excuses to me, he seems unsatisfied with his life and it would hardly be because of his child.
as his father his he not engaged? why is it up to you to 'sort things out'
is he not to be inconvenienced?

and why are you scared of him?
if that is so maybe there is more wrong in this relationship and it might be worth considering it.

also not having your own space I am sure adds to pressure.

Zog · 30/09/2007 09:48

At the risk of getting a kicking, I do think P has the right to an opinion though. Some people are badly affected by lack of sleep and just can't handle it as well as others. Yes, he's obviously brought it up in a bad way but I think he deserves to be listened to and not just called an "arse". If it's affecting how he can do his job, it's a problem, surely? Maybe he does need to go and sleep on the couch but it's something they should be sitting down together and working out, especially if the OP is going to be working nights soon.

MegBusset · 30/09/2007 09:48

Sounds like there are bigger issues here than where your DS sleeps, tbh.

Original poster

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:56

thank you everyone for your advice.

When we went out on Fri, he actually hugged his sister more than me. Then they had a row and he took it out on me.

I have P~ND and I think i might have to ask for a higher dose again!

OP posts:

Original poster

Koshka · 30/09/2007 09:59

anyway, better go.

Need to be a mum I suppose!
be back soon though so please leave me some messages x

OP posts:

beansprout · 30/09/2007 10:04

As others have said, I don't think this is about the co-sleeping. Is your partner struggling with the impact that having a child has had on your life?
Having a child in bed with you means that you lose the refuge of going to bed at the end of a long day, just the two of you, but he needs to talk to you, not threaten you.

FrannyandZooey · 30/09/2007 10:25

Zog, I don't think someone struggling to do their job after the difficult task of looking after a child at night is an arse

I do think a partner whose wife is suffering from PND who tells her to get their child to sleep at night or he is moving out, who makes her so scared about doing her job of looking after her son, that she dare not come to bed in case she wakes her p, is an arse.

NappiesGalore · 30/09/2007 10:53

ahhh, koshka. i think you sound lovely and that youre coping with a lot, under a lot of pressure... so give yoursefl a little treat today just for that.

you say youre going to be working nights soon? well, if him being the nighttime parent doesnt both educate your P and bond them too, i d be surprised, so maybe the situation will sort itself.

i think franny is right here too. you are doing your best and putting up with a lot. you need support, not dismissal, demands and emotional abuse.

btw - no person/partner is perfect, not even me!, so i dont want you to feel that people are utterly critical of your P, and by extension your choice of him - coz thats how it feels isnt it?

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