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Original poster

11 year old won’t go to sleep alone

94 replies

Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 22:37

Ugh help.
DD’s never been a particularly good sleeper. I’ve been pretty sleep deprived for the last 11 years but now later bedtimes as she gets older means DH and I barely get any time alone in the evenings.

About 4 nights a week she desperately wants someone with her as she goes to sleep. She will take any punishment-removal of screens, etc. as a fair price to pay for having someone (mainly me) with her. I don’t mind staying in her room and reading for a bit or something most nights but if she doesn’t go to sleep fairly quickly the majority of the evening’s gone.

We have tried just asking her to stay in her room whether or not she’s asleep so that dh & I can watch a programme or something but then she gets panicked that she won’t be able to sleep until late and creates such a fuss that it’s not worth it.

Obv things are a bit different at the moment and there are elements of anxiety about virus, not having the same levels of activity and interaction in the day but I think it is more of a control thing.

Dh has got really cross/upset with her this evening and told her it seems that she doesn’t care about anyone except herself.

Really need a strategy. Have tried so many things over the years but feel like we’ve failed spectacularly!

OP posts:
KellyHall · 25/04/2020 22:42

I seem to remember a similar phase when I was about her age but my mum was a single parent so just gave me more attention. I still left home at 16 and was able to get myself to sleep, although 20 years later I still like to fall asleep with the tv on in the background.

Is it really that bad to stay with her? She'll leave home in a few years probably and you guys will still have the rest of your lives to watch whatever it is on tv you'd rather watch than help your anxious child go happily to sleep.

JellyBellies · 25/04/2020 22:44

My 11 year old DS is like this. We don't fight it. I am sure when he is ready he will sleep by himself.

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 22:46

I do mostly think you’re right Kelly and it’s not that I particularly want to watch tv but having virtually no time alone with dh isn’t great for our relationship! He works long hours and I don’t think an hour in the evening is too much to ask?

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Imknackeredzzz · 25/04/2020 22:46

If she’s feeling anxious just lie with her for goodness sake/ she’s a child. I’ve been through her exact sleep anxiety as an adult and it’s horrendous, wouldn’t wish it on m worst enemy.

If it helps her sleep just lie with her

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 22:47

We have been saying since she was born that surely she won’t still be doing this in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. When is it going to end?!

OP posts:
MrsEricBana · 25/04/2020 22:49

We had this with one of our DC. It was so difficult and I tried literally everything inc taking DC for counselling as it meant no sleepovers, school trips, cadet trips etc. It finally resolved on its own when they were 14ish. I'm sorry that this isn't helpful in the immediate term but I think just go with it for now.

Imknackeredzzz · 25/04/2020 22:51

If she’s suffering that join I would suggest take her to see a doctor maybe for a referral for her anxiety when all this madness is over. She’s probably suffering poor thing- if it has been going on that long and clearly not a phase

For now my view is that your role as a parent is to help her - if that is what she needs to keep her anxiety at bay, I’m a mother of two and I would just do it personally.

mrbob · 25/04/2020 22:51

Have you tried some kind of kid meditation? Might soothe her anxiety before sleeping

Badtasteflump · 25/04/2020 22:52

OP do you know what the root of the problem is? Is it anxiety? And if so does she struggle with anxiety generally or is it just at bedtimes? Just wondering if you need to try and tackle the cause rather than the symptoms - it must be hard on all of you, including her.

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 22:53

I’m grateful for your responses as I feel like less of a failure for going with it for as long as I have. I feel awful as sometimes I get cross with her and she’d still rather have me there and cross than not there Sad.

Maybe it’s DH I need a strategy for.

OP posts:
Badtasteflump · 25/04/2020 22:55

OP I don't think you're necessarily helping her in the long run by just 'being there', not if you're the band aid over the problem, so to speak.

JKScot4 · 25/04/2020 22:56

So what happens if you say no
just go to bed? She does it 4 nights per week but goes other nights?
Is she an anxious person or is it for attention/ jealous of you spending time with DH without her?
Tbf 11 is a bit old for this.

moveandmove · 25/04/2020 22:56

Could you leave music playing on a timer in her room so she doesn't feel alone? Does she need a nightlight or her bedroom door open?
I wouldn't be staying in her room at 11 but I'd be looking at things that would help (like suggestions above).
What's her reason for needing someone in her room?

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 22:57

Yes it is anxiety-currently about virus even though I’ve reassured her until I’m blue in the face. she is a massive worrier and will always find something to worry about. We’ve tried lots of things like having a set time to talk about worries, having a worry jar, meditation, exercise, loads of 1:1 time during the day. Worked through the ‘what to do when you worry too much’ book etc

OP posts:
Imknackeredzzz · 25/04/2020 22:57

It’s about getting to the route of the issue. She won’t be doing it for fun.

For now please both of you try not to get cross with her, she’s clearly very anxious and needs you.

I get that’s it irritating but you need to just be there until she can be assessed by someone more in the know about her anxiety

EnglishRose1320 · 25/04/2020 22:57

I'm having a similar thing with my ds who has just turned 10, although he use to be a really good sleeper who settled on his own. He's not been settling since he moved into year5 and coronavirus has only made things worse.
Our eldest ds took a long time to self settle and it was exhausting so this backwards step with ds2 feels really hard to deal with.

Some things that seem to be helping a bit- we've got him a new night light which is safe to be in his bed, it's a kind of squishy material shaped like a bear and you can charge it in the day with a usb.

I read him a chapter of his book and then put a meditation bedtime story for him to listen to.

Then I leave the room but anytime oh or I go past his bedroom door- nip to the loo etc we have agreed to pop in to check on him.

It's not anywhere as quick or easy as it use to be but it's much easier than sitting on his bedroom floor for ages- which I don't think actually helps, doesn't seem to make him anymore relaxed or fall asleep quicker.

JKScot4 · 25/04/2020 22:58

Why remove screens and then still stay in her room?
Sounds like she’s the boss in your house.

Lllot5 · 25/04/2020 22:58

Find out what it is that’s causing this. Is she worried about anything in particular or just generally anxious?

Imknackeredzzz · 25/04/2020 22:59

I speak from experience as I was that child - and still do suffer with exactly this froM time to time in adulthood

KellyHall · 25/04/2020 22:59

Why don't you and dh get up earier and have a nice breakfast together instead?

The amount of your life you get with your dh compared to the amount of life you get with your dc, it's a drop in the ocean really. Making a child feel guilty for wanting her parents to comfort her when she's anxious is just awful.

Nomorewineever · 25/04/2020 23:00

You say it’s 4 nights a week - what happens on the other nights? Does she go to sleep alone?

I had this (well, similar). As a teenager I had an awful anxiety that if I wasn’t asleep by 10.20 I wouldn’t be able to sleep all night. Of course it was bollocks but I’d convinced myself it was the case. But then I linked in one or other parent coming to bed as necessary to the process and I could neither sleep without one of them upstairs nor could I NOT be asleep before 10.20. The dichotomy drove me crazy. And I was an otherwise happy, stable, loved child. Something was ‘up’ but to this day I couldn’t tell you what...it resolved when other things in my life overtook it probably around 14/15.

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 23:00

If i say no, go to bed most of the time she will come downstairs and cry and beg me to come up. She is normally reasonably well behaved and will do as she’s told but at night she loses all sense of reason.

OP posts:
Imknackeredzzz · 25/04/2020 23:01

Poor thing , comfort her, bloody tv programmes can wait

JKScot4 · 25/04/2020 23:02

Have you ever just kept saying no, go back up or do you always give in to her?
I don’t see why you remove screens as a punishment then sit with her anyway.
Why is it only some nights? does she ever stay at friends or grans overnight?

Original poster
Slowyourboat · 25/04/2020 23:03

Other nights she will generally settle down after a cuddle, especially if we are pottering around.

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