At breaking point

[Motherhippo]

My 5 month old has got me at breaking point! She is keeping me up all night and is not sleeping through the day! I'm absolutely exhausted.
She fusses all night in pain unless I pop her over my shoulder. She's a very heavy baby and this is not comfortable for me. She sleep cries if I put her down. She is currently suffering from bad gas at night, as well as teething and a bad teething rash which is itchy for her. This means that she is unpleasant and fussy all day.
If I could get just a bit of sleep I could deal with her fussiness better but it's just isn't happening. I burp her after every feed. I try and keep her upright for 30 minutes each time but she fusses and wants to get going. So more often than not she is not upright for more than 5-10 minutes. Am going to try gripe water to see if that helps with the gas. She's been teething on and off since she was 3 months old and is yet to have any teeth come through. I give her calpol in the evenings to help with the discomfort so she can sleep. She's got no interest in teething rings/toys preferring her own finger. I've tried teething powder but it made no difference. Because of the teething she's dribbling a lot and constantly so she has developed a teething rash on her chin, neck (front and back) chest and back. I've been trying to treat it with Vaseline and keeping her as dry as possible. Chin is looking much better but chest and neck is red and angry looking. I know it's bothering her because she's trying to scratch it all the time (even in her sleep) I try to stop her from scratching but that just makes her cry. I've got no respite and I've reached the end of my tether. I guess I know there's nothing more I can do but I'm so exhausted I just need to sleep

How is she fed? Bottle or breast?

Is there anybody at all that could come and do at least part of one night for you to let you sleep? Babys father? Mum, dad,sister,brother,aunt, friend, cousin?

If you are BFing, can you express over a few days so they can feed her?

Agreed with PP, if you have any kind of support, now is the time to draw upon it. Your DD will be fine for a few hours while you get a few blocks of much-needed rest over a few days.

Baby is EBF. Partner works all week so needs his sleep to function at work. There's no one else near to provide support. LO struggles to settle with partner as I am the one who feeds, changes, bathes and puts her to bed. So potentially even if he did start trying to help it may just end up stressing her out more

A muslin tied loosely bandana style will help to catch all the dribbling. If you’ve got a silicone pastry brush, let your baby chew on on it. It is satisfying and too soft to make gums more sore

Have you tried occasionally expressing to see if she will take a bottle?
Then her dad could take a couple of days leave and take her out for a few hours so you can sleep

Anbesol liquid was the only thing that worked for all my children when they were teething.

Sorry I don’t have any tips for swimming Su baby but two of my were terrible sleepers as babies and one at 2 still is. It almost breaks you

Btw you need sleep to function as mother too

Oh I forgot Mum and a you face the day stick is great for teething and dribble rash. Just google it

Sorry, posted too soon. Your partner needs to put in a shift. He can take 8 pm to midnight for example. No worse than the odd late night he would have going to pub etc. DH used to drive DS in the car to get him to fall asleep, he could try that. Once DS was asleep DH went to the McD’s drive though then had dinner and Radio 4 in the car. Everybody wins.
Please don’t accept no help from your DU because of work. I work outside the home full time plus acommute and have done every night waking for over a decade!

I'm sure your partner could deal with one or two bad nights

You need to sleep to function too!

See if you can express enough milk for him to be able to do the night feeds - and it's not a bad idea for him to get used to the whole routine anyway. Please don't make yourself a martyr over this. You're the only one who will suffer in the end.

If you can't express, then a bottle of formula once or twice will not be the end of the world.

Partner presumably doesn't work 7 days a week and has annual leave.

You need sleep to function as well.

Is there any reason he doesn't do bath and bedtime routine? Even if he does everything up to settling her for the night to begin with?

You might at least get a break for a bit.

Also, I found that I had to just have to leave the vicinity, do Dad had to settle him. It was too easy for him to hand him back otherwise. Also, if DS could see me he'd want me.

Sounds like Dad needs to step up a bit. The odd bad sleep won't harm him. I'll bet he's been out late on a work night before for a party of whatever.

Have you tried cosleeping ? Or will the baby not lie down at all.

DH needs to take a shift. My DH used to take dd from 7-11. I went to bed and slept. He walked/rocked/drove baby. Big feed before you hand baby over. Express for a bottle so DH can give that if needed. (Mine never took it)

The night is so much more bareable if you've got a couple of hours sleep. Even 2 makes a difference.

Cosleeping was the only thing that worked for me to get any sleep. Baby latched on/off all night but at least there was some sleep.

If baby has reflux you might need to change meds with the gp.

Abensol liquid is amazing for teething.

Try tummy sleeping

This probably sounds really pathetic but I had lots of mastitis at the beginning of my LO's life and I am scared that if I miss a feed that I will get it again. So I've been pretty militant in not allowing anyone to else to feed her. I do co sleep with little one and previously she's fuss to be fed, id feed her in her sleep and I could cope with that. But this all night fussing Is not the one! I have sort of snapped at hubby about helping out more. As on top of being mummy I also do the cooking, washing up, washing and ironing of his work stuff. So hopefully with the weekend here he might help out a little more

@00100001 There is no particular reason why he's not involved other than he doesn't want an early bed time. LO will not sleep on her own so her bedtime of 7pm is also mine. And the bath routine is down to tiredness from work. He's never said but I'm sure he thinks that being a stay at home mum is easy/ easier than his days at work.

Call him out on his 'tired' bullshit.
I'll bet he's not so tired he can't have a shower himself, or cook himself something or whatever.

Unless he's coming home and immediately going to bed and sleeping through until the morning, he's not too tired to give us daughter a bath and juis wife a much needed rest.
Tell him you NEED A BREAK. He can do bath and get her ready for bed at the very least.

What does he do of an evening? When you're in bed, what is he doing to contribute?

You're much less likely to get mastitis again now OP - it's much more common when the baby is tiny. Your DH needs to step up. Can't he see how broken you are? Doesn't he want you to feel more human?

@00100001 His evenings are spent in front of the tv/playing on his phone and/or Xbox.
In his defence he does help out probably more than I'm making out. At this moment in time he's putting together a table. He does play with her when he gets in from work so I can do dinner. He pulls his weight more at the weekends tidying up our very messy flat! He has a low tolerance of her crying though. If it gets to much he'll pick her up and hover near me that's code to hurry up with whatever I'm doing (cooking/washing up/having a bath)
I take on board all that's been said and I will have a chat with him about pulling his weight more with everything as I am struggling. Also going to send him to bed with daughter tonight so I can kip for a few hours on the sofa undisturbed

Oh well, if he's sat in his arse all evening he can definitely do bath and get ready for bed.
He's not that tired. Just is able to opt out.

What does he say when you tell him it's all too much for you and you're at breaking point?

Ask him why he gets 7 nights sound sleep and you don't? If he says "work" then call him out and say he has to help in Friday and Saturday nights. If he refuses then he must do more of an evening. Eg cooking, laundry etc so you can rest more in the day..

@00100001 Not much really other than "Being tired comes with having a baby, it's not her fault she's fussing" Maybe I'm not good at communicating or maybe he thinks I'm exaggerating but I don't think he understands just how wiped out I am

You could buy a cheap handheld pump and express one frees here and there for her. That will not cause mastitis and I know how painful it is but you would have to just stop breastfeeding completely and not just drop a feed for that to make a difference

You also need to be realistic about co sleeping I’m afraid.
Her dad will probably not settle her to sleep in bed unless you have fed her and then she will cry as you go.
I would personally suggest you try feeding her and then have everything ready for her dad to take her out in her pram or night in the late morning. At five months old she could have a little water or an ella’s kitchen fruit pouch if she wakes up when they’re out. Or express her a feed.

In my experience ebf co sleeping babies only want their mummy at bedtime.

You could have a bath and get a couple of hours sleep

Wow. Sounds like a charmer.

I'd be tempted to break down in front of him to be honest....

Call him out and ask him if he thinks it's ok if the woman he loves is being pushed to breaking point and all he can say is "it's to be expected"

ask him why he gets to sleep soundly and you don't? Push for him, saying that he's supposed to live you and he is letting you feel this bad and doing little to nothing to help you.

Why is he allowed to have a few hours sitting around each evening and you're not? Why is the woman he loves doing 90% if the work?

Push for an answer. Push for him doing more. Push for the answer to the question "is this how you treat the person you're supposed to love?"

Also go to the GP (get a female one!) and talk to them, get assessed for PND. There's help out there. There's no failure.

Call your lazy DH out!!!

And he can definitely definitely take her out for a walk on Saturday and Sunday for a good hour or so in a sling.
Feed her, get her in a sling/buggy (whatever you know she'll sleep in) with dad and send him out for a walk.
Tell dad not to come back for however long.

Then go to bed and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Don't be tempted to just do that one load of laundry or quickly empty the dishwasher or have a shower.

Just go to bed.

Make it clear that DH needs to leave you alone to sleep.

Ideally as PP said, he can go through to the next feed as well, and either give her expressed milk, formula or some sort of puree.

He needs to step up.

Agree with everything @00100001 has said.

You need to tell him, not just raise the issue with him! He's being hugely selfish, but you're also enabling this behaviour. Take charge. Tell him that tonight, he is doing the bathtime routine/putting her to bed, and you're going to have an early night while he looks after her.

Use a moses basket, or your car seat, or just let her settle on DH while you go and have a bath and go to bed on your own!