At breaking point

[Motherhippo]

My 5 month old has got me at breaking point! She is keeping me up all night and is not sleeping through the day! I'm absolutely exhausted.
She fusses all night in pain unless I pop her over my shoulder. She's a very heavy baby and this is not comfortable for me. She sleep cries if I put her down. She is currently suffering from bad gas at night, as well as teething and a bad teething rash which is itchy for her. This means that she is unpleasant and fussy all day.
If I could get just a bit of sleep I could deal with her fussiness better but it's just isn't happening. I burp her after every feed. I try and keep her upright for 30 minutes each time but she fusses and wants to get going. So more often than not she is not upright for more than 5-10 minutes. Am going to try gripe water to see if that helps with the gas. She's been teething on and off since she was 3 months old and is yet to have any teeth come through. I give her calpol in the evenings to help with the discomfort so she can sleep. She's got no interest in teething rings/toys preferring her own finger. I've tried teething powder but it made no difference. Because of the teething she's dribbling a lot and constantly so she has developed a teething rash on her chin, neck (front and back) chest and back. I've been trying to treat it with Vaseline and keeping her as dry as possible. Chin is looking much better but chest and neck is red and angry looking. I know it's bothering her because she's trying to scratch it all the time (even in her sleep) I try to stop her from scratching but that just makes her cry. I've got no respite and I've reached the end of my tether. I guess I know there's nothing more I can do but I'm so exhausted I just need to sleep

Elbeagle Your partner sounds amazing!!
My dad was utterly useless and my mum ended up with PND because as far as he was concerned he went to work. Therefore everything else was up to my mum to do. I told my partner this when I was pregnant and that I didn't want to end up in the same situation. He assured me that wouldn't happen

It's a difficult one. He is being more helpful today ie changing nappies, housework etc. But I'm getting completely ignored. So I feel like I'm being punished emotionally, but can't say anything as he is helping out more with day to day stuff like I asked. Is it too much to ask to have someone help out more and not make me feel like shit. I've tried to talk to him and thanked him for all the extra help, and that I really appreciated it... he wouldn't even look at me

He's doing this to teach you not to ask again OP. Eventually you'll realise that it's easier to just do it all yourself than endure his sulking

Don't let him get away with this pathetic behaviour. Do you think a few sessions of marriage counselling would help to get you discussing it openly, rather than him shutting you down when you try to talk about it?

Just try to switch off from the emotional abuse. And that's what it is. Let him continue to do his share. Don't think of it as helping. It's not. He's doing his share.

Stop asking him if he's ok. Ignore the fact he is ignoring you. Be bright and breezy.

Get the sleep you need while you can.

A visit to your mum is a great idea.

He's been food shopping with his mum and dad. Come back and come into the bedroom and said I've got stuff for baby and snacky bits for you. I think this is his version of an apology  He's going out for lunch with LO and his parents. I'm don't feel up for being with him or his family so I'm staying behind.
@Trahira He's not much of a talker when he's happy let alone any other time. He wouldn't be one for counselling!!

Keep up the pressure on him to step up! Don't let him fob you off with treats.

When they go to lunch.... Straight to bed for you! Remember...no just emptying the dishwasher...no quick hoover... No bunging a load of laundry.

Straight to bed and rest at the very minimum

And keep pushing for him to do bedtime routine... In that time, you can unwind, watch TV, read, get ready for bed, whatever.
Then when you settle her for bed, he does washing up/hang laundry/etc

Then work on him settling her for the first part of the night, so you can either go straight to sleep, or have more 'baby free time' (like he gets every night)

Then you can work on him having sole responsibility all night on Saturday night for example.

Also send him out of the house with her like today. And get some more time to yourself either sleeping or doing a hobby or class etc

Keep up the expectations! Be strong for you (and ultimately your child!)

"I then kinda broke down but he didn't take a blind bit of notice".

What is 'kinda broke down'? A sniff, a sad look?

You need to pull out the full blown hysteria if needed! Snotty crying, the works.... let it all out. He needs to realise.

If he doesn't at the least get you a tissue or try and console you, then there's something wrong with him!

Go stay with your mum. Make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable and that you do have other options other than put up with it. Sleep deprivation is horrific. Do bear in mind that night nannies and post natal doulas are available to help if you have the money.

@00100001 'Kinda break down' = Cry. No he didn't offer me a tissue or console me. I don't actually think he said anything to me. I was mid cry when his parents turned up, so I hid in the kitchen until I got it together and then took LO for a feed and a nap! I think while I was crying and hugging my daughter he got me a drink. I just have no energy to fight. I never used to be such a wet lettuce, but with everything combined I just don't have the energy! I just want to spend time with my LO, I don't want to see him or his face right now! I might feel differently when things have settled down! It sounds really petty but I think I'm going to fight fire, with fire and just ignore him and focus on my LO. I have already told him that I am not willing to do everything all the time and that we both need to work together as a team! Going forward I'm just not going to do everything! Washing up will be left. No ironing will be done (it's only his stuff that needs ironing). Dinner won't get cooked. I have not got the energy to go at him head to head. So I'm going to crack on, do what I need to do to get by and just ignore him. If it's acceptable to ignore me then I'm going to reciprocate. It might be childish but it's all I've got in me right now

@puds11 Unfortunately we don't have the finances for that. His wage just about covers the bills and the mortgage. My maternity money pays for the shopping. I will be staying with my mum towards the end of the week when she's got some time off from work

Well, hopefully after a day or two of doing less, and /or going to your mum's, a bit of space and rest will help all round?

@00100001 I wish I had your fire/tenacity right now! Can you come over and give him a good poke in the eye Just being able to vent has made me feel better, and I'll always keep going for my LO. He can go whistle!

I had the same thing with my DH basically.

Took me breaking down and just telling him what he has to do...!

He won't realise how much you have been doing, on top of looking after a breastfed baby, until he has to do it himself.
Stepping back is a great idea. Do the necessary for you and baby. St him take some responsibility.

Hopefully he'll realise just how much you have had on your plate.

I am so sorry you are having a bad time. I dont think its particularly helpful for everyone to pile in on your partner. I agree he is not being very helpful here but I imagine if he was posting here he would be fed up too. You are exhausted and in no state to sort out a not very helpful man. You need some help and support but he is not or cannot be a deal of use. This is MN so I will get called for this but I think you need to get your help elsewhere. How close is your Mum? Do you have a supportive relationship with her? a few days with her mey help ypu catch up with some sleep. What is your relationship like with your Health Visitor? A good Health Visitor can help eg refer t you to HomeStart which is a supportive organisation of mothers helping mothers. She can also help you address the issue of your baby not settling and in particular focus on the daytime settling. She can help you address any heath reasons your baby is fretful, eg itchy skin. You have said your baby has been teething since 3 months, whatever is going on its easy to call it teething but its not. No teeth have emerged. The dribbling and biting is a normal developmental stage. Toy will know when she is teething when a white tooth bud spilts the gum. This is not a critisism, just dont waste your time and energy chasing teething cures. You need some rest and trying to force your husband into being father of the year is going to stress you both out and worsen your relationship. It is difficult to ask for help. All mothers think it should come easier but it doesnt and you cannot think straight when you are exhausted. Please take a moment to decide who to ask for help and try not resnt the man who isnt doing it. Think about yourself and your baby for now. Shaking him up can come later

@NoMorePolitics You make some good points. I have a great relationship with mum and am looking to stay with her soon. But she's a nurse and works a lot of shifts so she won't be home much as she's just increased her hours. I don't have a relationship with any health visitor. I had my two mandatory visits when little one was first born both by two different health visitors. No other contact with them since. LO gets weighed at local children's centre and the one time I had a question to ask, the health visitor was utterly useless. I suppose I could call the generic line but I'd rather see someone face to face.
The main reason I believe LO to be teething is that she paws at her mouth as if in pain. The only other time I've seen that was in my cat when she was losing all her teeth. I know a cat and a baby aren't the same thing but pain is pain!

I agree with @NoMorePoliticsPlease it surely isn't teething if it's been going on for 2 months and nothing has emerged?

I'm saying this in the most helpful way that maybe there's something else that should be investigated. I think we often blame teething for everything when it could be something else that is being missed.

Hope things improve OP.

@Russell19 Do you think it'd be worth making an appointment with a Dr to discuss her discomfort? I don't want to waste anyone's (including my own) time

I would. A rash could be a sign of an allergy too. The uncomfy gas etc also is a sign of an allergy such as dairy or something.

Get her checked all over, temperature etc and speak to a different HV too and see what they think.

There is a sleep regression too at 4ish months so could it be that?

@Russell19 Called the doctors. 2 week wait for an appointment I live in a village and we have a walk gp service 3 times a week for one hour. Will take her to that and see what they say.

2 week wait for a baby who is in pain and displaying a rash? I'd ring back and say the pain is getting worse. What did you say on the phone? I must be lucky with my doctors as they have always given my baby an appointment on the day.

Always same day appointments for babies here, especially with a rash.

Cal 111 and they should be able to expedite this. As others have said a poorly baby gets seen ASAP that day at my doctors too.

If the rash is an allergy to something you might find it starts investigations into things and your daughter might settle as she isn’t agitated and upset / in pain.

I’m glad you’re going to see your mum.
Many of us know how hard it is with a new baby and the stress it can put on even heathy relationships, but you need to o it yourself first for a while now.

Perhaps he needs to see how empty his life is for a few days. How all of a sudden it’s not just Doing a bit of Ironing or cooking, putting a wash on etc it’s all on top of a long day at work.

One of the things I found and find hardest about being a mother to babies and young children is the loneliness you can sometimes feel even though you are rarely ever alone. My ex stopped bothering to see me as a person he barely looked at me when he came in and I felt used and unloved.
My life is hard at the minute but I am so relieved I don’t have to live with that ongoing feeling of being unloved in quite the same relentless way I used to. I am still unloved by him but I can physically and therefore metaphorically close the door on that in my own home and not feel like I am or have been disappointed.

Hope you feel a bit brighter today

Come back from our village walk in. Said the rash was eczema and we've got a prescription for some cream. After @Russell19 suggested LO might have an allergy, I started doing some research online. And a lot of the symptoms for CMPA my daughter is displaying including the rash, rubbing of the mouth in pain, excessive drool and pain with gas at night. I have dairy at least once a day so it makes sense that no amount of home treatments (teething poems, gripe water) have made a blind bit of difference. I suggested CMPA to the GP and he was really dismissive. Basically said he thought it was unlikely as LO is EBF but if I thought that was the case just to give up dairy. I'm going to give giving up dairy a go and fingers crossed I might eventually get to sleep through the night again 🤞