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Controlled crying yes or no?

114 replies

bigmamama · 25/01/2020 18:35

Hi , so basically my LO is about to turn 6 months this week and is rapidly outgrowing his snuzpod.
My struggle I'm having right now is that after the bedtime routine and his last bottle he's struggling well I'm struggling to get him completely settled to put him down and leave him as he screams! I'm finding myself rocking him and shushing him until he's asleep in my arms n then laying him down and I really need to get out this routine as I don't want him to rely on it to get him to sleep. I also have 3 year old so it's just not practical every night. So as well as transitioning to the cot which is in his own room, do I start to leave him to attempt to self soothe and cry it out ? Or is that just really mean?! Iv tried to use the Ewan the sheep, white noise, swaddling him, patting him but nothing seems to work other than being rocked ! Please help ?!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
BecauseReasons · 04/02/2020 20:11

BecauseReasons I’m guessing if your 2 year old is ever crying for a cake in the middle of a supermarket you would just buy it for em- god forbid you damage them irreparably by letting them cry!

Mine doesn't tend to do that, thankfully. When I say no, I always stick to it, but I don't say no unless I've a very good reason for it, so she minds me pretty well. But if she did, I'd explain why I'd said no, commiserate, 'I know, sometimes it's hard when we don't get our way' and then distract her.

There's no comparison between that and shutting an infant alone in a dark room for up to 12 hours at a time and ignoring their cries of fear and sadness until a time deemed convenient by the adult.

muddypuddles12 · 04/02/2020 21:48

@BecauseReasons "shutting an infant alone in a dark room for up to 12 hours at a time" So how does your toddler sleep if not in a dark room on her own? Your comments are becoming ridiculous now

muddypuddles12 · 04/02/2020 21:51

@bigmamama I really hate to sound like a broken record and I really do feel for you as sleep deprivation is gruelling, but without learning how to self soothe your baby will find it hard to link sleep cycles during the day as well. Once he learns how to settle himself to sleep, he should start to self soothe during naps and link sleep cycles together. That will help with longer day naps and less chance of overtiredness by bedtime. Hang in there, it will get better

2020vision10 · 04/02/2020 21:52

"There's no comparison between that and shutting an infant alone in a dark room for up to 12 hours at a time and ignoring their cries of fear and sadness"

Left out an important part of the quote....

2020vision10 · 04/02/2020 21:56

OP... Please do not fall into the myth regarding self settling. Unfortunately this sleep training culture has warped our view on normal baby/toddler sleep.

www.google.com/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2016/04/25/the-real-reasons-why-you-cannot-teach-babies-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/amp/

BecauseReasons · 04/02/2020 21:58

@muddypuddles12 are you deliberately being obtuse or do you just struggle with your reading comprehension? What I said was,

'shutting an infant alone in a dark room for up to 12 hours at a time and ignoring their cries of fear and sadness until a time deemed convenient by the adult.'

In case you need it spelling out, it's not the baby being alone in a dark room to sleep I disagree with, it's the baby being left alone crying and unconsoled for an extended period of time that I disagree with.

HTH

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/02/2020 11:56

shutting an infant alone in a dark room for up to 12 hours at a time and ignoring their cries of fear and sadness no one has advocated that. Rational people have said they have left their dry, healthy, fed, happy baby alone for 10mins at a time. So they don’t become reliant on a 2hr back rub to get to sleep. At the end of the day I have a healthy happy thriving toddler who 99% of the time will happily go to bed at 7pm without complaint. If she wakes in the night I tend to her. I have my evening and everyone is pretty well rested!

2020vision10 · 05/02/2020 12:38

Interestingly today my local NHS Maternity Facebook Page posted about how you should attend to your child's cries and not leave them as it could affect their development.

Just a quote from the post:

Who has heard the advice, “Stop holding the #baby so much — you’re going to spoil them”. And did it make you hesitate to do what your instincts directed, to calm your crying baby?

There are no reasons to think twice when cuddling with your upset infant, no matter what well-meaning advice you receive. It’s impossible to spoil them. J. Kevin Nugent, director of the Brazelton Institute at #Children’s Hospital in Boston and a child psychologist, says that a newborn baby learns from their interactions with their parents that the world is reliable, and can trust that their needs will be met. Responding to baby’s cries “isn’t a matter of spoiling,” he said. “It’s a matter of meeting the child’s needs.”

Notre Dame psychologist Darcia Narvaez led a research team that found children become healthier and happier adults when they have parents who treated them with #affection, #sensitivity, and #playfulness since birth. By surveying over 600 adults about affectionate touch, free #play and positive family time in their childhoods, it was found that adults with less anxiety and overall better mental wellbeing had positive childhoods.

Professor Narvaez encourages parents to respond to their baby’s cries, whether it means holding them, touching them, or rocking them; it’s all optimal. “What parents do in those early months and years are really affecting the way the #brain is going to grow the rest of their lives,” explains Narvaez, “so lots of holding, touching and rocking, that is what babies expect. They grow better that way. And keep them calm, because all sorts of systems are establishing the way they are going to work.

“If you let them cry a lot, those systems are going to be easily triggered into #stress. We can see that in adulthood — that people that are not cared for well, tend to be more stress reactive and they have a hard time self-calming.”

The researchers found that free play in and out of doors is vital for child development, as well as growing up in a positive, warm home environment. Narvaez believed that humans need these important things from the time they are born. Therefore, she recommends parents follow their instincts.

Although it places a large responsibility on parents to be responsive to their baby’s cries, she adds that we really didn’t evolve to parent alone. Our history is to have a community of caregivers to help, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends in the baby’s life. Professor Narvaez says, “We need to, as a community, support families so they can give children what they need.

theheartysoul.com/holding-your-crying-baby-isnt-spoiling-them/

www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-athletes-way/201304/the-neuroscience-calming-baby

www.researchgate.net/publication/236251169_Infant_Calming_Responses_during_Maternal_Carrying_in_Humans_and_Mice

2020vision10 · 05/02/2020 12:46

www.pinkymckay.com/why-cant-my-baby-be-like-that-envy-jealousy-despair-and-disappointment-by-carly-grubb/

A couple of my friends have found this article helpful... Also a Facebook group called The Beyond Sleep Training Project is very supportive of parents going through sleep depravity and has gentle advice. You're not alone.

bigmamama · 05/02/2020 13:21

@onlyFoolsnMothers I'm glad you are all well rested and that your child goes to bed at 7pm no complaints , kinda doesn't help me out though right now? I feel like your just bragging Confused.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/02/2020 14:34

bigmamama i wasnt bragging to you- im pointing out to the posters that are ramming it down our throats that controlled crying is awful, traumatic and we are awful parents for doing such a thing. Controlled crying saved my sanity!

muddypuddles12 · 05/02/2020 14:53

@bigmamama I don't think @OnlyFoolsnMothers meant it in that way. She was simply saying, she did CC and both she and her children are all well rested as a result.
You were obviously open to the idea otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. We're advocates for it, and both have children who sleep through the night. As things don't seem to be improving for you, I wonder what you hoped to gain from this thread if not to find some way to help your children sleep better?? You won't know unless you try

bigmamama · 05/02/2020 15:36

I am open to the idea and I intend to try it as soon as he's over this cold/flu/virus he seems to have had for the past few days.
He generally was a good sleeper at night and I say that in the sense that he normally sleeps 6/8 hours in one go. It's just actually getting him to sleep that's the problem coupled with a 3yo who goes to bed pretty well with no fuss but doesn't sleep through. Overall very draining for the whole household at the minute.

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Squeakybubbles26 · 10/02/2020 15:50

Omg @bigmamama it's like you have written my nighttime situation in your previous message.

Except my 3y likes to be reassured at bedtime and still wakes up during the night (at least once) to be reassured again!

And our 7m old who we done cc with now settles a dream however wakes up after 6/8 hours and then can't get back off and I'm like ah what do I do let them cry? Cuddle them? What if she wakes everyone else!

Sleep deprivation is hard!!! And every choice you make never seems right 😢

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